| [ | mood | | |  distressed | ] |
| [ | music | | | Showbread - Stabbing Art To Death | ] |
Well, I called Megan last night. I was walking around down near the hospital. It was beautiful out there. I told her a lot about how I felt, but it seems there is still nothing to come out of this relationship. I feel like I opened my heart to her, and was as honest as I could be, but it seems like she's still holding things back. She says that the reasons we broke up were all her problems, or something to do with her. But there's gotta be something to do with me. Why am I trying to turn this into an attack against her? She didn't do anything to me... well, I guess, yes she did. But ... Why am I so hurtful all the time? Why am I so selfish? Why am I so weak?
She may come to the Wednesday night bible study, but we aren't going to be bible studying. I think we're going out to dinner or something. Last night I was excited that Megan was going to try to come. But now... I'm not sure. I don't know if I want her there. There seems to be no hope of anything. Why is it that I do this? I create a mass stock-pile of hope in my heart and mind, and then I turn it into a giant spike and stab myself in the back with it, and get all depressed. At least my memories of her are all happy... mostly... I think...
Some people tell me I need a 'rebound girl.' Others say I need to stop seeing her. A lot of people tell me to stop thinking about her, and that I shouldn't miss her. Few people encourage my hope for love. A lot of people are sad that it didn't work out, but most tell me to just throw in the towel. I wish I knew what God was telling me to do. It seems He's on the side of hope, but not from Megan's point of view. So who is imagining their own God, and who is hearing from the real God?
wow, this is interesting... okay, I know it's not the work of a pro, but some of it rhymes...
Some people tell me
I need a 'rebound girl.'
Others say
I need to stop seeing her.
A lot of people tell me
to stop thinking about her,
and that I shouldn't miss her.
Few people
encourage my hope for love.
A lot of people are sad that it didn't work out,
but most tell me to just throw in the towel.
I wish I knew what God was telling me to do.
It seems He's on the side of hope, but not from Megan's point of view.
So who is imagining their own God,
and who is hearing from the real God?
And here's something I just wrote that may or may not have anything to do with this. I don't know. I think this is mostly about self... whatever that means.
Touch your lips to your finger tips
(And) Fling them out in every direction
Is this just a shattered kiss?
Or is this insurrection?
My heart is stabbing itself in the back
Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Who would've known
That True Love's greatest enemy
Was Hope
Hope! Hope! Hope! To live without
It's like the "happy" song you're crying (all) about
So here I've got the towel
To throw it in
Or hold it close
Paint Your Word
On my heart
Here it explodes
Burn! Burn! Burn! To ashes deeply
Oh my heart will cease its beating
I've grown to comfort with this pacing
So smile... Smile! Smile! Smile!
... And turn away
05/17/2005
Okay, I've got to go now. I've got to walk over to the Webb's. More walking... I'm enjoying this time to praise. Well, sorry about this entry, this is not at all what I wanted to say. I wanted to say more about what I talked to Megan about, but I guess that is best kept between us. I kind of wish I knew of a way to tell Megan that it can't all be her fault. I was in the relationship too. Oh well, I gotta go. I hope my car's ready soon.
With Love
M. Shane (Oh the Shame) E.
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