Tuesday, June 28, 2005

"Give Her Kisses"

Blog from when I was using LiveJournal.

[mood | School went well {::sigh::}]
[music |(Thinking of) mewithoutYou - 'Nice & Blue']

I just got to my mom's office after my first day back in school. My mom was on the phone, and my Aunt came from the back of the office bringing two cups of coffee. One was black, and one had the milky color from adding cream. My mom drinks black, so my aunt put the black coffee on my mom's coaster and then dropped two chocolates from her hand in the center of the desk. I had an inward chuckle at how my aunt brought my mom chocolates. As she was walking out of my mom's room (I was standing by the door) she spoke to me in a voice that I don't really know how to describe, but basically soft and excited. It reminded me of a little girl being so happy and sweet and innocent, enjoying the simple pleasures of life. My aunt said, "I give her kisses."
I had to write it down. I know you probably had to have been there, but that will be an awesome memory (for me at least). Sisterly love. Hadn't really paid any mind to the type of chocolate when my aunt had dropped them. I had only enjoyed the predictable love my mom and aunt share for sweets. But my aunt giving my mom kisses seemed to have a bigger impact than anyone could have ever thought.

With love... and if I could, kisses
Matthew Shane Eskuchen

Monday, June 27, 2005

Get Caught Up!!!

Blog from when I was using LiveJournal.

[mood | Logiclessness? Summer? School?]
[music |(I want to be listing to:) Copeland - 'No One Really Wins']

Well, I have been having trouble finding time to get into my mom's office to update this first of all. And second, I haven't wanted to deal with the task of documenting everything that I've missed. So I decided I wouldn't. I'm just going to start from here. For the most part. With a few comments on what you've missed.
Getaway was great. Thanks for the amazing time there. Next, thanks to everyone. This has been the best birthday I have ever had. First was the surprise party from my youth group on my actual birth date, the 15th. Then was the Swing Dancing party. Thanks to Jon and Jon for teaching me the backflip. Thanks to Brianna and her brother for helping me with it, and thanks to Megan for trusting me with it. And thanks to Lui for the great fun with it. "So, how's this work?!" I miss all you guys so much. I'm sorry to everyone at the party on the 15th. I don't think I seemed too surprised, and I didn't think I was, but when I got home that night, the shock wore off, and I realized that I had been in shock all day. I was really really surprised. Thank you guys so much. Oh, and Lauren, I claim more than one dance with you, since you were at Murray Hill an entire swing night and didn't dance with anyone. We WILL dance.
And now for the writings from this absent period.

I know some of these don't make any sense because they're so short and I'm not explaining them. I'm basically putting on here anything I wrote in my notepad... which really isn't much at all as you can tell by the spread out dates and the short writings. I've had a lot of ideas lately, I just need to 1, start writing them down, and 2, organize them. Looking at the bright side, I have still kept my writing absence under ten days. It was at nine the last I broke the silence (06/17 to 06/26).

These first three are from Getaway

06/02/05
Be my distraction

06/03/05
It obviously shows that I have some strength
Because I held onto you
Even if for the short time that it was
But in the end
You're just too strong to be held back for too long.
{and I'm going to add these next two lines to it right now, I wrote these on 04/09/05}
Spread your wings MNM
Their beautiful colors will bless this world

06/06/05
And oh the night we crawled in line
Our bellies down
And the sand in our eyes
I think they wanted our cries
"I can do all things through Christ"
'Beautiful Wet Paint'
They used to describe
That 'wretched' scent
That I actually liked (this line just added 06/27/05)
So start a fire in our hearts
Turn out stomachs at the height
Oh, the sight!
Rip our pedestals out from underneath us
Lay us on our faces
Where we should be in your graces
Why do we ask 'Why?'?
When we could be asking 'What?'
"What is it I can do to help me to serve you?"
When our hearts have been laid down to rest
And our bodies relieved
The organs we didn't need
Oh, when all I want is to want one thing
That could be the day
Oh that could be the day...
I'm freed

06/09/05 (15:18)
My heart looks whole with spider legs
But every breath I take it breaks

06/11/05
There comes a time
When we have to stop just knowing
Let's act our age
And not our shoe size
Let's start doing what we know is right

06/13/05
So what you say
"It's okay,
It's only human pride"
But what am I?
What am I?
Looking from my own eyes
I am nothing in myself
There is nothing I can do
On my own
On my own
I am far from you

06/17/05 (15:11) (funny that I wrote this in the middle of the day...)
I don't thing that I can sleep tonight
It doesn't matter
How tired I am
How tired I am!
Cause it's just me
And my lonely heart
I can't let go
The silent song of night
This static lullaby
Cause it's just me
And my lonely heart tonight
So I'll let go of life (love)
This haunting static lullaby
Keep me up tonight

06/26/05 (01:14)
Shh... Don't tell him that I love him
Don't whisper even now
He has ways of hearing voices
We must keep it a silent secret somehow

Ahh {gasp}... Girl you're gonna kill him
Can't you see his vigor fade
He would wait for you forever
But I guess, until you're both ready, you must wait

Ohh {sigh/scream}... I can't tell you what I'm seeing
I'm at a loss for words
Her expression is so moving
Why must these happy thoughts so hurt?

Shh... Don't let him hear us!
Ahh {gasp} What are you thinking?
Ohh {scream/sigh} Doesn't she realize
(All) This is so exasperating

06/26/05 (12:22)
My heart's in quicksand
I despair

When I wrote this I was reminded of a much better writing by... who other than... mewithoutYou. Four lines in the song 'Bullet to Binary' that are in French.
Je leverai les yeux à toi
J'ai change cent foi le nom
Je leverai les yeux à toi
Je n'ai pas le désespoir
Which translates to something similar to this
I raise eyes to you
I have changed my name 100 times
I raise eyes to you
I do not despair

I just found this wonderful review for mewithoutYou, and I think I'll share it. (from http://bbjean.blogspot.com/)
Je leverai les yeux a toi
excuse my french.. mirrored in english this phrase means 'i turn my eyes to you' ..bless meWITHOUTyou..the band that i adore..who cleverly spilt such a beauty in one of their melodies..their poetic passion hurts..it pierces you with every note..leaving you bleeding profusely with the same wounds that have cut them so deeply...they've stolen my heart and you've stolen mine too ..write me something pretty..

Okay, well that's about it. Oh, I signed up for school today... summer school. One class, four days a week, 11:30 to 3:00. I start uh... well, I missed the first class which was today (the 27th), so I will be starting tomorrow. It's an English class.
And speaking of English... isn't this a great word: logiclessness. I made it up. I think... basically... it is the same as illogical. I think they both mean 'to be without logic,' or something close to that. -ness means 'to be' right? -less means 'without' right? But properly that word would have il- which I think means 'not' and -al which I think means something like 'of' or 'relating to.' So we have 'to be without' and 'not of' or 'not relating to.' Whatever! I just like my made up word. Logiclessness.
Well, I really like they youth pastor here, and his wife, and the youth group is pretty cool too. Only problem. Yesterday was the youth pastor's last day. He's leaving the church. So I don't know what's going to happen. I'll figure out something. So, here's a poll to anyone reading. Should I come back for StudentVenture and Swing Dancing this weekend? Will anyone check this before this weekend comes? Will I even check for comments before this weekend comes? I think I've forgotten about myself... or... what??? I'm confused. I'll be signing off now.
Oh, by the way, I made it 'home' safely. I never really called to tell anyone. I miss you all. Thank you for the best birthday I've ever had. Seriously, I haven't really had any birthday parties since I was like 10 because I never had any friends, and then before that they were always joint parties with my sister at Chuck-E-Cheese's, and I think even then, most of the guests were her friends, and the people I hung out with were her friends' younger brothers. So really, thank you. Thank you so much. I wish I had more pictures to remember it all. Speaking of which thank you Lauren for the pictures (and possibly Erika too, I'm not sure if you donated as well) and Amanda for the scrapbook {el libro de recuerdos [twothirtyeight - 'El Libro de Recuerdos' 'scrapbook'(or, literally, 'book of records')]}. And Josiah and Jenny for the autograph book. And Austin for whatever he's planning, and also Lui for what he's got coming. Oh, and also Josiah and Jenny for all the awesome random stuff. That gift, as I said, was 'more random than I am.' It was awesome, I love it. I think I broke the kazoo from playing it too much though :-(. I'll have to buy some more. Ooh, the pig... Everyone must have one. Jenny I love the pig. Erika, the cd is awesome, I hope you are having fun golfing and witnessing. I hope I haven't forgotten anyone. Lauren, thank Mike for the posters. I'll thank Kathryn just because she's awesome, and she needs to know that she deserves to be mentioned and remembered. And she went to the beach with us on my birthday. Can you imagine that? Kathryn at the beach? I just don't imagine that too well, but she was there. Thanks to Megan for letting me flip her (if you're going to try to tell me I'm strong in many ways, you need to trust my strength I guess, thank you). Thanks to Erika and Austin for helping me with dancing on my hands, and Brianna for helping me out with other dance moves. Thanks to Tony and Lui for the spiritual support. Thanks to everyone who went to the beach and "succeeded" in surprising me. Thanks to everyone who went swing dancing. Thanks to the SV midnight Wendy's group. Thanks to everyone. I love you all (possibly more than you know).
I must be going now. I can't be late for school. I'm nervous. I haven't been waking up well lately. I've been having weird dreams. And oddly enough, a lot of you guys are in them. I wake up thinking about you guys.
With great amounts of love, love and more love
Matthew Shane Eskuchen
Am I really nineteen??? I don't feel too much different...




COMMENTS
SV
humble_love
2005-06-28 04:35 am UTC (link) DeleteFreezeScreenTrack this
If you want to, I think you should definitely come to Student Venture and swing dancing.....I don't think I will be able to make swing dancing but I'll be at SV....and your welcome for the scrapbook...I wanted to do it for you because you said you love pictures...so yeah. I'll talk to you later sometime.....and you'll do fine in your English class so don't worry about it

(Reply to this)


(Anonymous)
2005-06-28 06:11 pm UTC (link) DeleteFreezeScreenTrack this
"So, Matt...How's this work?" HAHAHAHA Yeah, that was priceless! Ah, the memories. :)

Any time for the spiritual support. I've got your back.;) That's what I do.

Whoa! 19! I still can't believe that I'm 18. I'll be 19, 20, 21, before I know it. It's crazy how the years just go by.

Love,
Lui

Wednesday, June 1, 2005

Back Home (Briefly), Black Hole... Thank You

Blog from when I was using LiveJournal.

[mood | Thankful and Cheerful]
[music |(in my head) He is Legend - I Am Hollywood]

I went back home for the Memorial Day Party at the Hart's house. That was so much fun. I love going over there. But from the beginning. First, I made a last minute decision to go. So I packed my stuff, and left around 22:30-23:00. I got to Jacksonville at about a quarter to 3 in the morning, parked in the cul de sac on the Webb's street, and slept in the back of the jeep (to save miles on the Mustang, I drove my dad's Jeep). I didn't sleep real well for two reasons. One was the space was kind of cramped, and not entirely comfortable. The second reason was that it felt like Christmas Eve. I kept waking up hoping it was morning so that I could get out of the uncomfortable sleeping position, and also so that I could see people. I kept waking up thinking 'Are people going to be up yet?' I was so excited when I finally got to see them. Jenny called me around noon I think, and I was curious if she knew I was in town or not, but she was calling to see how I was doing out in Marianna, and I told her "I hated it, so I came back home..." {pause}"but only for a day." Thanks for calling Jenny, and everyone else that calls, or thinks of calling, or talks to me online for that matter. Thank you guys for all your prayers and thoughts. Thank you.
We went to the Hart's house around 14:00, I got off to a crazy start, running around doing all sorts of flips and stuff. I nearly pulled off a backflip with a full twist which really surprised me, and possibly almost injured my, but I was just fine. I think all the jumping around irritated my ankle, but it was worth it. Then I went and sat back by the pool, just putting my legs in. We just hung out there a while. And then lunch... or dinner by that time, I guess... was served. Whatever beans I kept eating were really good and I also had a Turkey burger. Oh, by the way, I don't remember if I said it, and if I did, I'm sure I didn't say it enough, but thank you everyone for helping me out, and offering me food all the time. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I'm sorry for all the times I seem unappreciative.
While we were eating, it started to rain. It was crazy, two seconds outside and you were soaked. And it was just this instantaneous downpour. So Jonathan had run out to the treehouse before it had started raining, because we had the bright idea that we would go out there to eat. I didn't go, but he did, and then it started raining. The wind was blowing the rain so hard, and there was so much water falling that it looked like waves blowing over the vehicles out front, it was really a sight. After a few minutes, a couple of us decided it would be cool to run out to hang out with Jon, so we did, and got soaked. We stood in the treehouse for a few minutes before we thought it would be fun to get boogie boards and slide around in the water that was flooding the back yard. So Jon ran down and got the boogie boards. Austin and I joined him, and then most of the kids joined in. We all just ignored the rain and played. Jenny and Josiah started taking pictures, which I hope to get copies of. We all started getting really muddy. It was the dirtiest I ever remember being. I don't think I've ever played in the rain like that in my life. Then, after the rain stopped we played in the water before it quickly soaked into the ground, and then Austin, Jonathan, Kristin, Erika, and I had a brief mud fight. We hosed off and jumped in the pool. I think Hunter left while we were playing in the rain, but I don't know, cause he just disappeared, and I didn't get to say goodbye. "Goodbye Hunter."
Josiah had to leave, and soon after, we all got out of the pool. We started playing card games inside, and we played card games until people started leaving. When Kristin and I were hugging 'goodbye,' my ear ended up against her cheek and I could hear her chewing animal crackers and it was a really cool sound. Well, I drove Jenny home, and then I went to see Lui to fill out a form so I could go to Getaway, which I need to leave for soon, so quick ending here. I went back to the Webb's and slept on the couch I used to sleep on. And then we had breakfast in the morning, and I headed back here to the Black Hole of Florida. I missed all of you that I didn't get to see. I'm already missing all of you that I did see. Thank you for the wonderful time.
I think I'm gonna plan a birthday party at swing dancing Friday, June 17th. I'll be back in town, and I may even be able to get my 'blood-related' family to come, but I can't promise anything. Okay, well I'll work on that in a few days when I get back from Getaway. But I need to leave now.
So thank you all so much for such wonderful memories.

With great love and big hugs
Matthew (Mahi) Shane...





COMMENTS

Hey Matt!
humble_love
2005-06-05 06:09 pm UTC (link) DeleteFreezeScreenTrack this
Hey Matt!! I'm so incredibly sorry that I haven't talked to you in forever. You must be getting lonely but at least you get to see some people at Getaway. It stinks that I couldn't go so at least I could see you there. But I had a dance recital last night so that's why I couldn't go. Oh well. I hope to see you on June 17th, at your birthday party or something. And I am going to talk to you more. I hope you start enjoying Marianna more. I'll talk to you later, adios amigo!

- Amanda

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(Anonymous)
2005-06-11 04:59 pm UTC (link) DeleteFreezeScreenTrack this
Memories are made and that's the only thing that remains...Even after everyone has changed/moved on, the memories last forever.