Mental Capacity, Possible Overload (or under-slept)

Blog from when I was using MySpace.
Current mood: annoyed

Well, first with the poem that I force ended because (here come the complaints)... CAN YOU BELIEVE IT???? I forgot an awesome verse that I came up with while I was driving. It was something about my mind imploding.... but I forgot. Who can relate to that??? I better hear some complainin' otherwise you'll be hearing more complainin' from yer's truly. Well, I started this when I got to school this morning, and I've been randomly working on it all day. It's about lust. 08/30/05 Introductions made But I still don’t know your name Here is a place that I was never meant to be This should be private property But you’ve opened it to a godless society Stepping up to display your insides on the out This isn’t your heart on your sleeve These are your sharpened teeth Not hiding behind your glossy woolen lips And here we are Lined up to let your fangs sink into us Our skin; something you never wanted But your pains have driven you to devour what is offered So no one helps me put this knife in my back Carve the beast for the feast So good to say goodbye Say goodbye And oh what beautiful eyes All the better to hypnotize And oh what a smile All the better... But you’ll be old after a while Here's how it appears in my notepad Introductions made But I still don’t know your name Here is a place that I was never meant to be This should be private property But you’ve opened it to a godless society Stepping up to display your insides on the out This isn’t your heart on your sleeve These are your sharpened teeth Not hiding behind your glossy woolen lips And here we are Lined up to let your fangs sink into us Our skin; something you never wanted But your pains have driven you to devour what is offered So no one helps me put this knife in my back Carve the beast for the feast And oh what beautiful eyes you have All the better to hypnotize me And oh what a smile you have All the better to deny me with So good that Goodbyes are said And you still don't know my name Here in this place that I was never meant to be You can be sure it's not done yet... but it might take me a while to finish. Give it a couple years to incubate. Okay, so why is it that a girl can tell a guy that the hair on the back of his head looks like (sorry) "pubes," but a guy can't tell a girl that her hair looks good but he liked it better before she cut it. Now granted these are two different girls, but still. So is it natural to hear rock music when you're in the middle of nowhere and the house is completely silent except for a squeeky fan, the AC, and the hum of the computer. My mind imploded today. I woke up (after about four hours of restless sleep) I literally leaped out of bed and dove back across the bed so that I could see the clock (I wasn't wearing my glasses). Turns out I had 3 hours left before I had to go to school, so I lay back down and leaped out of bed 20 mins later doing the same thing. After that I got up and ate breakfast and sat down listening to music. Played Final Fantasy 7 to pass the time until I had to leave. I showered and got ready.... and played more FF7. And then it was time. So I went to school. First class was Orientation (which is just going to teach me about Finatial aide, scholarships, transfering to other schools, all the stuff new students want to know about college) Next I ran over to math. Somewhere in this class my mind imploded. It just collapsed and I didn't have a clue what was going on. The rest of the day I've kinda been flipping out. Even when I went out to look at the sunset. I did a backflip right there in my wet, grassy/muddy driveway type thing... that I rarely drive in. We usually just pull up through the yard, the driveway is at a bad angle. Well, I think that's all I wanted to blurt. Don't forget to complain, or you'll be hearing from me. Don't forget to wish all your friends a Happy September (We do it with new years, so why not new months?) Please complain, I'm serious. I'd really like some ideas about this poem. I'd really like to do something with it. So please complain. Feel free to vent. I'm like an aquaduct... whatever that is... but duct and vent seem to work together. "Your Face Here" upon my heart with love Matthew (Mahi) E. Currently listening : 91025 By He Is Legend Release date: By 01 June, 2004

He's On

Blog from when I was using MySpace.
Current mood: tired

Woot Woot!!! I have internet... It's dial up... it's slow... I might not be celebrating soon, but it seems to be working fast enough with MySpace and my email, and that's about all I use unless I need to look something up for school, so for the moment "Yay!" Here are some short ideas I've had lately 08/25/05 Give the dead my name I shall speak for them Give the dead a face I shall weap for them And this is something inspired from the movie Sin City, which was very artistic... a very interesting movie, worth seeing at least once. Watch out for gore, sexual scenes, and I don't think language was too bad, but can't hurt to warn. This is almost a direct quote from the movie, but it's such a great line if you look at it in perspective with God. Let me stay close Nothing can happen (to me) When I'm with you Please Let me stay close Well, sorry, that's all I've written "All I want is to want one thing" ~ mewitoutYou Oh, and here's my schedule for school (Notice that all of these times are Central Time) 08:00 - 08:50 PSY2012 (Psychology) Mon., Wed., Thur. 10:00 - 10:50 PSC1121 (Physical Science) Mon., Wed., Fri. 11:00 - 11:50 SLS1101 (Orientation) Tues., Wed., Thur. 12:00 - 12:50 MAC1105 (Algebra) Tues., Thur., Fri. 13:00 - 13:50 ENC1102 (English) Tues., Wed., Thur., Fri. "Your Face Here" upon my heart with love Matthew (Mahi) E. Currently listening : A to B: Life By Mewithoutyou Release date: By 18 June, 2002

King of Lions and Sloths

Blog from when I was using MySpace.
Current mood: cheerful

I wrote this a few days ago and quite liked it, but I forgot to post it, so here it is. 08/20/05 (05:59) (yes, that would be in the morning, I haven't been sleeping well) I'll be here where you left me On your bookstand A tale of epic proportion Telling of the rise and fall Of all the world you know Not just another fable: boring Oh not at all It was such a wonderful story And you've left me here behind Drowning in a poison To allow the maggots birthed inside Infection takes to rising As the Son here takes to setting And I'll just be waiting here Where you left me In your younger days You would join in hands with me You would fill these pages Brimming with your inspirations But now you've grown and turned away Bedding fools to cure the pain I'll be here where you left me On your bookstand A tale of epic proportion Telling of the rise and fall Of all the world you know Not just another fable: boring Oh not at all (not at all) It was such a wonderful story Let me know what you get out of it. I was writing it with two ideas in mind... First, how we often leave our Bibles and/or God on a bookstand... and Second, how I feel that my own story has been placed on my father's bookstand... Basically he doesn't seem too interested in what happens in my life... but that's nothing new really, and it's probably my fault. I've never opened up to my parents about anything in my life really. I received some homework today... so I guess it's timely to imitate Timon and say "It starts." and "This stinks!"... (without the love song following.) Pumba: "Sorry." T: "Not you! Them! I can see what's happening." P: "What?" T: "And they don't have a clue." P: "Who?!" T: "They'll fall in love and here's the bottom line; Our trio's down to two!" P: "Oh!" (You're singing it aren't you???) Well, for those of you that have been deprived... I'm sorry. "Your Face Here" upon my heart with love Matthew (Mahi) E. Currently listening : The Question By Emery Release date: By 02 August, 2005 3:42 PM

Rest Up for School

Blog from when I was using MySpace.

Current mood: content

So, yesterday I slept through church, got up around 12:30 and went to my parents house. I helped my cousins move some trees that my dad was cutting down. After that I went home and watched then second half of Gladiator. I had watched the first half the night before. I talked to Amanda at some point, before / during / after the movie. I then fell asleep on that tiny little couch that I have. I woke up very very sweaty. I'm not sure why, the AC was on, but I was soaking wet with sweat. I fell asleep again and woke up later, nocking my pillow off the couch onto a cup of orange juice. It didn't spill on my pillow but it did spill on the floor. I got up and got ready for bed, and then I called Lauren. We talked for about 13 minutes before she had to go. I then put myself down in my bed. ... ... ... ... .. ... ... ... After about thirty minutes I turned off the fan cause it was noisy and turned down the music so that I could hardly hear it. I still couldn't sleep. So I rolled around... I guess I fell asleep a couple times, but I kept remembering waking up. I woke up once and looked at my watch and then thought the alarm should be going off in a couple minutes, but when it didn't go off I looked at the clock and it was 4:30 ish... I looked at the clock again at 5:30ish and 6:30ish. I finally fell asleep just before my alarm was supposed to go off, and so I slept in and was late for school. I don't remember my alarm going off, but I do remember the alarm on my phone going off. That's what I heard. It was reminding me I needed to leave for school... not get up. School was okay. I was 20 mins. late to my first class, but that's mainly because I couldn't find a parking spot, and then had to walk for 5 minutes to get to my class cause I parked so far away. My second class today was fun. I very much enjoyed the teacher. I don't know that he was funny, but I was a huge fan of the mullet looking haircut. (I was tempted to ask to take a picture just cause it looks so great... It's not exactly a mullet, he's basically just bald, but ... I don't know, you have to see it to appreciate it.) But anyway... I loved the hair. And then I just loved the way he taught. I can't explain it... I just loved it. I'm off to call the phone people since the phone line isn't installed at my house yet and it should have been done BEFORE Friday. And this has been my day up until now, which is about 13:20. How was your day? And here's some advice from Katie on forgiveness: Matthew 18:21-22 "Your Face Here" upon my heart with love Matthew (Mahi) E. P.S. I really wish I could be listening to this at this moment, but this is what I was listening to in my car. I very much enjoy this cd. Currently listening : Son, I Loved You at Your... By As Cities Burn Release date: 21 June, 2005

Missing Holland

Blog from when I was using MySpace.
Current mood: peaceful

Hey guys... I'm back here... Still talking.
Well, how many of you rockers remember the band Holland?
I miss them.
They were on the farewell tour for Five Iron Frenzy.
I saw them at Cornerstone twice, and the last time I saw them at Cornerstone... like 2 years ago, I heard they were breaking up... that saddens me. Their cd is great.
I miss them.
Just thought I'd let you guys know.

Currently listening : Photographs & Tidalwaves By Holland Release date: By 11 February, 2003

Something Old, Something New, Something... LONG...

Blog from when I was using MySpace.
Current mood: lonely

I don't really feel like doing anything right now, and feeling as I do, this will never get done... so here I am to do it.
Here are the two poems I said I wrote and just needed to type up in my last entry. I don't know that I particularly like either of them... let me read them, think about it a minute, and type them up, and then I'll get back to you.

Always Loving, Love
You are the whisper
Heard through all the chaos of raging wars
You are the shadow
That moves behind the pitchest night
You are the love
Dominating every man's most lonely dreams
You are everything I dream
We men are wretched things
And yet you stay here beside me
You are the void I seek to fill
And you stay here always with me
I need you tonight
You are always here for me
I need you every time
You heal all the wounds my loves have birthed
You love me more
And I give my life to honor you
You love me more
After every time I fail
After all the nights I wandered sleepless
Bedding fools to try to cure it
But you were here
Waiting all along
And you love me more
Than any creature of this earth
And more than even the measure of my own self-worth
We men are wretched things
Even so
You've never stopped
And you my Love
Will never stop
Loving me
08/12/05 (23:09)

Well I guess just reading it straight through it's okay. I just remember writing it, and it was forced. I think I was trying to make it appear as if I had faith at a time when I felt faithless... if that makes sense. This next one is about the same. Forced and not from the heart. You can see how I was trying and retrying to combine ideas that I like, but I couldn't seem to nail them together...

08/12/05 (23:12 - 23:45)
There is constantly moving a dream
Creating itself in my head
I never have to be asleep
For to weave a tale of my mind's creation
A wild tale of love and death
Not possibly told by words
You and I were holding hands
In the only time existing: Forever
Here we are
Where our hearts meet the starts
Every beauty in eternity
Captivates all the world that I can see
Drifting in a colorless void
Your eyes are the only thing in front of me
And before you had found me
Seeking you by other means
I had loved a liar
You appeared to identify him as me
You are the whisper that I could hear
Through all the chaos of raging wars
Of all the glory and power that men fight for
I fight for love, and here you are
Creating the space where my heart meets the stars
Where every beauty in eternity
Exists only in your eyes
How could you offer yourself to me
Oh, we men are wretched things
Your eyes contain the beauty
Of all eternity
Don't blink or else I'll lose myself
You captivated me

Okay, well I won't say they suck... but I don't think they're too good. They have ideas that I like, but I can't find a way to say what I want to say in either of them. I don't know... I'm tired of caring about this life. If it has value to God he really needs to show it to me... I'm not getting anything done for him or myself or anyone else, and I seem to be living a pointless life. I want to come home you guys... I miss you. Well, just because I want to, and because I'm wearing a pink shirt, and hopefully doing this will help me feel a little bit better, I'm going to post some old poems that I enjoy. (that was a long sentence...) Some of these may actually be up here already, but I'm reposting them if they are. I'm going to put them in the order that I wrote them according to the date I put on them.

The Painting of a Broken Heart
Joyous and colorful - hippie fashion - was the statement long ago
Torn and broken, I now lay, in the center of this tattered home
Bathe the cracks in black tears, of my heart's own birth
The call the let the children come, evermore will go unheard
Mourning dawn below a sky of faded gray
Blackness reigns over all the colors
Dead was all the artist could say

In a colorless, black and faded room
Was the painting of a broken heart
Four walls reflecting the artist's sorrow
Corners jaded with the pain
Nothing but an endless sorrow
Hope taken by the shame

Set fire to your heart where the truth is pounding deep inside
Burn its so-called blasphemy and from the ashes mother your pride
The blaze was set to ease your pain, but I'm the one who's hurting
I see joy reflecting in your eyes, as I'm left slowly burning
Wounds, in time, will heal and scar, and bonds of sympathy will fade
But you won't acknowledge how I am saved, your eyes blinded by hate
You ignore the one, walking beside me through these flames
The artist cries a mournful tear
View of death, it seems, has hardly changed

In a colorless, black, and faded room
Was the painting of a broken heart
A naked boy appeared so real... A lie
Guilt would not set him free
Salvation left no time to hide
A dying friend was all the boy could see

You now live in your own painting, of a portrait I'll never see
But I know that I shall ne'er forget, the loneliness of a blackened sea
Haunted in my memories, I can still hear the screams
Of a colorless, black, and faded room, painted with shattered dreams
And so you're left alone there, crying silently in vain
Perhaps you aren't yet lost forever
But only faded with the pain

In a colorless, black, and faded room
Burned the painting of a broken heart
Four walls of sad, black sorrow
That once reflected the artist's pain
Burn away to reveal tomorrow
As colorful hope returns again
03/05/04

The Sinner's Lullaby
Now I lay me down to sleep
And I pray for peace this eve
For in the morning when I wake
I'll be deceived by yet another pretty face
And there they are haunting me
For they know I'll always be
A simple sinner saved by grace
Deceived by yet another pretty face
But please God let there be one out there
That's waiting just for me
A brilliant angel that forever
A brilliant angel that forever
Forever there she'll be
Just loving only me
And when I fall before I wake
My brilliant angel there will shake
The demons from my eyes
And I'll return yes I'll return
To this world of truth and lies
And I know she'll always be
Waiting at the door eyes all full of sleep
She'll be waiting just for me
As I stumble home drunk in my defeat
A simple sinner saved by grace
I love you my Guardian
And my God give me the strength
To walk home and face my love
Tell her the truth of my disgrace
Hidden behind my innocent face
And those who knew and did yet nothing
Forever I will hate
Because they knew and yet they let me
Fall back on my face
When I hated what I did
I hated all the sin
But now my angel is here waiting
Waiting to share my embrace
And so I thank you Lord for faith
Signed the Sinner Saved by Grace

(not sure of the date for this one... may actually have come before the final version of The Painting of a Broken Heart)

Here is a tribute to all of my wonderful friends
07/31/04 (12:53)
In the pitch of darkest night
You're my hope that is the moonlight
Reminding me the Son's still there
Burning brightly in my despair

New Life
Out of the ashes grow purple flowers
In a morning haze that I wish would last for hours
You can make beautiful everything I see
Bring forth new life, beauty, and Christ in me
Help me to keep the memory of that day at the beach
Never forgetting how she felt when the waves hit her feet
But please bless me to forget her enough
So that my injured heart won't be so painful to touch
So that I can love without having to hate
So that out of the ashes, new life you can make
(09/16/04)

10/03/04 (Sunday Morning)
A thimble full of grief
Drawn forth from a sea
Knock me flat
You should hit the deck
There's water there
At the very end of everything
Forgiving a life of sin
He'll die by his own hand
There were no words that made any sense
In that room lost in grief-filled silence
The sudden death of innocence
Seeds for the faithless, in a sense
Broken marrow deep within
Blood spill from the veins
Dripping from the skin
Pouring from the sky like rain
The bitter reminder
That this world is unforgiving

10/08/04
I'll turn a page every second
Since that's what time has called me to
But if I spend my life turning pages
What moments then are left for you?
You my love
My devotion
My sleepless night of dreams
And when I find the time
I'll keep turning pages
Haunted by worshipers' hollowed screams
Building the song
And brick by brick they build
The mortar, the tar is thick
And if I think about it
I could no sooner save myself
Breathing heavy air
Oh, my Lord,
I'm full of doubt

Slept So Long (The Days are Really Near the End)
I used to be able to see them clearly
And write them down so loudly
But now the words on my heart have begun to fade
Like a whisper in a distant field
Yours might be a voice I think I recognize
But I’ve lost the sight that opened my eyes
I’ve lost the pain that made the words shine bright
Like the words on the ring in the fairytale
Revealed by flame but they’ve begun to fade
And the time I’ve taken to rest
Has raised to life my discomfort in death
Slept so long, so long
So long, farewell
Burn into the heart the pain, the pain
I’m ready to bleed again
I’m ready to paint again
In the beat of the drums
The speed of the strums
They’re coming to fast
The warrior’s heart in the hunt
The time has passed
Marching to old battle tunes
Melodies made for memories
Where all that’s left is found in ruins
Thus I near the ending pages
Stories of my life scribbled down and dated
Ending with addresses, times, and directions for payment
Where will you carry me now?
A layman
You will take me to where blind men hear and deaf men see
I’ve slept so long
It was almost a dream
And your words, like a whisper in a distant field
The comforting hope of a voice I know I recognize
10/25/2004

And Of The Lower Beings
It's time that I found my reflection in the shadows
Of a time when I couldn't find who I was
In a time that it was so dark in the silence
We were all gods when we ignored the shadows from above
The shadows cast where flames now burns
The safety of our inevitably falsified feign
Ignorance loses bliss in the terrified screams
Set loose from the chaos of Hollywood's dreams
A god among insects
Though we were at the time
We've since then faded
To 'one notes' and worthless rhymes
Now here we are
At the completely opposite end
Nowhere near home
And yet home again
But even at home
We would have never seen this chance
We grasshoppers like to leave
The working to the ants
10/30/04

Pink Is My New Black (Hold Me Close And I'll Dance)
There was a time when we were all wearing black
Because our mood was set to that
But now that we've all joined the fad
We're wearing pink beside the fact
Like the plants outside the furniture store
We've all been dead since long before
Withered flowers were we all
But our pictures (framed as beauty) hung on the wall
And I'll lower my eyes
Just to avoid that glare before you walk away
And I'll turn around and around
While I avert my eyes…
(I love you)
We're staring at the ground
The meaning to that
Is hidden in the past
Where we wrote our letters back and back
There was a time when we were all wearing black
Because our mood was set to that
But now that we've all joined the fad
We're wearing pink beside the fact
(I love you)
It's cold out here tonight
Bathing in the moonlight
A Cheshire Cat smiling upon me
And the loneliness (I feel every night) you wouldn't believe
Hug me on your doorstep
Invite me in
So I can feel the pain of leaving
Hold me close and I'll dance with you till morning
Hold me close and I'll dance with you till morning
Hold me close and I'll dance
Because a smile's my new frown
A teardrop makes a sound
Like laughter on the playground
Pink is my new black
I'm glad my mood isn't set to that
12/13/2004 - 12/16/2004

Victoria Rose
Victoria Rose
Black silk petals
Blood stained thorns
Every new day offers many gifts
So untie the ribbons
Open up to life
Your eyes bleed in the color
Let rest our guards
Open our hearts to share
This gift that has been given us
Victory rose
From the ashes of defeat
I saw the payment
But forgot the memory
Let the assault of a deadly assassin
Help my unbelief
Remember we are dust
Drifting in the wind
Smoke from razing death
Child rise and live again
Look close and listen
For this is me
Biting my tongue until I’m bleeding
And I’m drowning from the liquid
Building up inside my lungs
Time stands still for raising tides
Water hits, I’ll close my eyes
Life will pause as past things die
Sleep will pass as life will rise
I think that now I’ve found it’s time
To break myself of this
My most self-destructing habit
Of holding back my words
Until they cut so deeply into me
That I’m left barely breathing
And I’m running out of blood for bleeding
Open your eyes
Start growing up inside
Maturity’s your lie
Oh, so much like mine
I can’t handle this
My veins are running dry
My pen ceases to write
But this place gives me new life
Silk rose petal ribbon
Tying back your hair
Let it down
Let’s not disguise
Our mistakes with good-byes
But instead open our hearts
And let down our guards
Not so open
That the wolves catch our scent
But just enough
To let ourselves in
Walking together
On a cold dark night
Silence all around
But then static in my ears
The sound of rushing water
Oh, so much more than our tears
A spark in the night
The tunnel’s end is near
1st Ending 2nd Ending
I'll keep you warm I’ll hold you tight
No matter how you try to fight I’ll keep you warm
We'll make it out together We’ll make it out together
You'll keep me alive Don’t fight your heart
Stop fighting your heart We’ll hold you tight
We're coming out We’re coming out alive
Alive and together Alive and together we are one
02/17/2005 - 02/18/2005
(I'm not particularly fond of either ending, I need to work on it)

Your Face Here (Have Your Way)
And this is all that we have left
I have given in to death
Disease and decay are quickly taking over me
And this is all that I have left
Memories from when I slept
Dreaming of you in my mind
It is working overtime
I need to sleep it off
As it is written black on pink
"Your Face Here" upon my heart
Oh, is this truly art?
Because I haven't found out yet
Why I'm sinking into death
But these words and these rhymes are filling up my head
And I am drowning
Drifting in artistic genius
Why won't these words ever fit this?
Oh my rhyming's never 'on'
And my timing's always 'off'
Oh, Lord, bring happiness
She is growing ever beautiful
And as always I'm a funeral
Buried deep inside
The mourning of unending lethal weaponry
Scream to get out
Stabbing myself in the back
This will be the death of me
And I'm never caring now
Of why I'm always fallen down
I am on my knees
Begging You for peace
And these weapons are impaling me
Cutting 'in'- to-'out'
And I am bleeding
Oh Father, Have your way in me
Father, have your way in me
I am fallen on my knees
Begging You for peace
As it is written, so
Shall it be done
"Your Face Here" upon my heart
Have Your way in me
05/16/05

Okay... That was long... Sorry... How many of you actually made it to this apology in one sitting??? I'm sorry for that... But reading the old has helped me to feel a little bit better.

"Your Face Here" upon my heart with love
Matthew (Mahi) E.

So... What do you get when???

Blog from when I was using MySpace.
Current mood: dirty

Okay 'peeps'... Just imagine...

1 shower

3 days of driving

2 nights of rock shows

Several awesomely ROCKING groups of friends

The Showdown

Showbread

Murray Hill Theatre

Blindside

one small freakin' stage in Orlando...
=
One SWEET Weekend
(And one really dirty, sweaty, salty, and probably stinky Matt)

Okay, sorry, I was centered on Ivory and then Matt and Mike jumped into the picture, so they aren't centered, but it's still sweet how it all worked out. These guys had some awesome tattoos.
Okay, now on to Orlando, I have lots more, but I want to get home and take a shower, so I'm rushing.

Some Super Hardcore Guy let me take a picture of him...

Look ^, there's that hardcore guy again... and my friends Jason and Mar-C


The tattoo on his left arm is of a graveyard / pumpkin patch... it's really cool. Thanks to Mar-C for the Showbread pics from Orlando

Just before the chaos ensued... Due to that it wasn't too safe to pull out the camera during this show, but I took a couple rushed shots, that didn't turn out too badly...

Thomas and Christian

Josh from Showbread sung along for this song (don't remember what it was though) The pics weren't too great... like I said, it wasn't safe for cameras to be out for extended periods of time. Both times I tried, but Christian managed to squirm his way out of the picture. Once by spinning, and the other time by just being at least a foot taller than Josh.

Well, that will be it for now. I have like 2 poems I wrote on the 12th I think, but I really need a shower, so I'll type them up tomorrow. I better see those of you who know who you are at Swing Dancing this Friday... or else. This could be my last visit for a while. School's a drag ain't it?

"Your Face Here" upon my heart with love
Matthew (Mahi) E.

P.S. Won't it rock when I can't "dial-up" at home and ROCK out to music while I'm doing this???

Umm.... Some More (FYE I Guess)

Blog from when I was using MySpace.
Current mood: hungry

Okay, I swear this is an actual song and I just accidentaly wrote it, but maybe that's just because it's been stuck in my head since I was singing it after I wrote it...
08/09/05 (21:30)
So
So alone
Someone whisper
Someone call to me
So
So alone
Drifting in the water
Can't tell up from down
In darkness all around
Under rocks I'm finding maps
They all point the same direction
And the "X"s are all red
And painted in the picture
With my own blood
So
So alone
Please won't someone
Whisper "home"
Keep on talking
It's your voice that
I've been following
Through a riddle
That I've written
Creating puzzles not meant to live in
Where we're all
All so alone...

I fell asleep after writing this, so yes that was at like 21:50 Eastern Time. I woke up around 02:30 and couldn't get back to sleep. Then I wrote this.

08/10/05 (02:41)
There is constantly moving a dream
Creating itself in my own head
I never have to be asleep
For my mind to weave a tale
Not possibly told in words
A wild tale of love and death
Where kisses always last forever
You and I were holding hands
Everything that I could see
Only ever pointed to forever
And so I hold you so close
As often as I can
Because this is not dream
And here in this story I could lose you like that
That being a "snap snap" from God's fingertips
And so I hold you close
As often as I can
...
...
Um... the ending needs work. I'll get back to you on this... maybe.
Basically this is describing a friendship and what I want to express in the ending is the friend doesn't want to risk losing the friendship by letting attraction cause complications. This is something I seem to be dealing with a lot lately, not really losing friendships, but having to draw a line for myself as strictly "friendship" and I'm really getting sick of being attracted to some of my best friends. It's really annoying.
Anyway... that's all for now.

"Your Face Here" upon my heart with love
Matthew (Mahi) E.

Currently listening : 91025 By He Is Legend Release date: 01 June, 2004

MySpace

Blog from when I was using LiveJournal.

[	mood	|	Really Really Hungry	]
[	music	|	He Is Legend - "The Fool" (song)	]

Sorry, but I've started using MySpace. Don't worry, I don't really know how it works either, but I try. Here's a link to the blog, and a link to my main page (I think). I guess if you're a member of my space you can check out the silly pictures I put up there.
http://blog.myspace.com/guardedlegacy
http://www.myspace.com/guardedlegacy

Here where I don't want to be... in more ways than one (How very Tori of me)

Blog from when I was using MySpace.

Current mood: annoyed

Two short poems. If I ever figure out how (which I'm sure I'll take the time to do) I may submit my recordings of these just to embarass myself.

Here Where I Don't Want to Be

Do you... Answer questions
Made with riddles
From my head
Do you... Think it's all right
That my madness
Is just a sane reaction
Oh you'll react the same
To an insane world
This is just... THE SANE THING TO DO
OH WHAT ARE WE TO DO?
Carry me (CARRY ME) away
Oh, I don't (I DON'T) WANT TO BE HERE

08/08/05 (20:36)

08/08/05 (20:43)
Oh, just imagine this feeling
Imagine the noise
And I've imagined this day
With the screaming of my voice
Oh I'm coming down there
I'm ringing in your ears
I Am and I
We're here for your hearts
Your tears, your fears, your indescribables
We're here
He's here to take us away
Away, away to safety
He's here to take us away

Well, I guess that's all. Yesterday was a bad day, but I liked the poems that came out of it. I talked to Kara for a while on the phone last night until more than one phone died, and then I fell asleep on the couch.

"Your Face Here" upon my heart with love
Matthew (Mahi) Eskuchen

On to MySpace... What about LiveJournal??? I will miss its simplicity

Blog from when I was using MySpace.
Current mood: accomplished

I guess now that I've finished copying everything from LiveJournal, I'll have to start new entries. Well, I still need to copy the comments from LJ. Anyway, here's what's new. Warped Tour was decently fun. I was with friends, so that was probably the good part about it. Austin and I started 2 mosh pits during Fall Out Boy. My wallet was stolen at some point... but after a short time I made myself continue to have fun despite the loss of my identity... And I had this to say about it.

08/04/05 (at Warped Tour before wallet theft)
It'll be everywhere tomorrow
The disaster that was today
08/04/05 (23:42 at home after Warped Tour and wallet theft)
I lost my mind
I lost myself
I lost my name
I lost my heart
I just want to hold you close
But when should we call this love
And when should we call it loneliness?
Why can't we stop subconsciously trying?
And when will we start consciously winning?

Okay, well here are some older notes. Did I ever enter these in one of my entries?

This was flashing on a sign as I was driving in the rain after I had just purchased the new Blindside and Emery CDs. You should buy them, they are awesome.
08/02/05
Some people feel the rain
Others just get wet

I wrote this just after my last entry's odd poem.
08/03/05 (04:54)
Dance with me oh World
Spin for me a web of lies

08/03/05 (somewhere around 12:30)
Here we are
Where our hearts meet the stars
In your eyes

And that's it so far... I'll have more later I'm sure... I'm feeling slightly poetic and crazy tonight.
Oh, I'd like to submit a poem I wrote a couple weeks ago. I don't think Megan will mind. It mentions almost every happy memory that I have from while we were going out, and I'm sure you had to be there to understand some of the references, but I like it and I want it to be seen. Get ready, it's long; very long. Probably my longest poem by far. I originally called it "Memories" but now I call it "Memories For Getting Over".

Memories For Getting Over

I was interested slightly
But not nearly so deeply
Then gradually over time
Your beauty intrigued me
*Few phone calls and Young Life
Pick up for the movies
Drive slowly, two studies
The park at the swing set
A concert, a day off
Going out, church, and a picnic
Samitch-N-OJ
My shirt said 'perspective'
I cuddled with you
It was not so expected
Puppy love, it was something
Neither you nor I want
Oh, if confidence could kill me

Yeah, I'm sure then I'd have some

Took a while to answer to Beautiful

Like Jello rolled off the tongue

Spelling names from shell candy

Fall asleep (in love) with your voice on the phone

I had work in the morning

You had school later on

Pick up from the airport

Start a job, skip the dancing

The Incredibles, and a Frosty

Playing a song, how you'll starve me

Cause you're planning a trip

And I miss you already

At some point you told someone of your boyfriend

It was weird to be called, and to refer to a girlfriend

I signed up for a test

Or you'd ground me, no run

It rained the next day

I don't remember, but here's what I wrote

The beautiful sight washed me clean

And it gave me great hope

Later that day, I wrote my mind was in chaos

It didn't make sense

So I guess I just gave up

We watched a Theory

Conspiring past midnight

Slept on my shoulder till one

Then we had to get laundry

The next morning you flew away to the west

Come back from CA

Florida's starved for your best

A week of almost silence

I think I broke down and cried

I wrote of how I'd be waiting

And how I'd try to "spend well our time"

We talked with Alex on AIM

A short email from school

The text was pink where you signed

When you got back you called me

And woke me at 3 o'clock

I remember the message

Cory joked, so tired you can't use the phone

I'll see you at Chapel

Then I'll take you to lunch

Drive you to gift shop

Then we got my hair cut

We went back to your house

And ate something with oranges

We stood in your driveway

No music was heard but we danced

Oh I had missed you

Can't say how I'd missed you so much

The next day was sad when you found out

You weren't accepted to college

You told me not to

But I had to visit you the same

You didn't say so

But maybe that was my mistake

Jess got her "threats" in

And I couldn't stop laughing

I couldn't stay long though

After we four had picked up the movies

You sent me home

As it became a girls' night

You seemed sad to tell me

But I didn't mind

The next day you were sick

I remember, I went to the fair

I nearly bought you a necklace

But time situations weren't fare

That day I wrote, and I don't recall why

"My life is tomorrow"

But it wasn't so right

I know tomorrow brought sorrow

It had been raining, you called

And you sounded quite blue

(I wonder if this sad part's turned funny

Since I'm rhyming like Dr. Seuss)

I remember meeting you

In the corner of Borders

It was cold and our hug

Made things seem much colder

That night I decided that I would move home

I don't know if you cared

But I felt you had left me alone

Over the next couple days

I wrote quite the mad poem

I was sorry for that

Because I never did like it

I went with my family

To celebrate going away

Before the part though

I drove for five days straight

I had gone searching for flowers

And came back with paused time

I should have remembered

The spell ended at midnight

Just in time, I Agree With...

Do I love you in vain?

But now I'm so tired

And this rhyme's such a pain

Goodnight fare lady

I hope your dreams are kept well

It's hard to believe I won't give up yet

I'm so sorry I yelled

But you took all the blame

And I think I just wanted my share of the guilt

**It wasn't your fault at all

I was mad at the pen

The rhyme was terrible

Just like this poem is

But I took it out on you

And I was oh so aggressive

I had been lonely that night

And missed you so much

I'm sorry dear Beauty

It wasn't your fault

It wasn't your fault

It wasn't your fault
...

Dates and Times of Writing:

07/12/05 (03:05)
*07/13/05 (00:15 to 03:40)
**07/13/05 (22:19)

"Your Face Here" upon my heart with love
Matthew (Mahi) Eskuchen

Umm... "So Matt, how's this work?"

Blog from when I was using MySpace.

Current mood: bored

Um... Okay, I don't know what I'm doing... so I'm gonna be silly and just copy everything from my live journal and put it here... Sorry if this is an annoyance... but it's what I'm doing.

Odd Night of Writing

Blog from when I was using LiveJournal.

Well, last night was a bit odd. I was in a poetic writing mood, but the poem didn't make much sense. It was basically just rambling. Here's what I wrote.

08/03/05 (04:44)
Time has come to look around
A clock says it's time to lay down
Lay down to rest?
In what way will I find myself
When the morning sun arises
Will I sleep so deeply I go on dreaming?
Or will I rise to spew the sickness from my lungs?
It's almost sad to think
But I'm glad for you, I'm sad
What happened to the logic?
What happened to the love?
Now it's every-one-another
I'd like to think I'm not alone
But this sense that I am making
Is confusing all the same
Running little circles
Like a wire in a frame
We all have our errands
We all have our dreams
We sing our own prayer songs
We damn our own beliefs
When I wake to find I'm dreaming
I try my best to sleep
Do what I can (to) remember
Create my own life story
For persons in my head
It's almost sad to think
I'm glad for you, I'm sad
But not in (the) sanest mindset
I'm coming here to rest
To where have you been running?
To what beat you strum your tune?
Have you found me to be rambling?
Do you think I'm rather crude?
Writing of a sickness
Dreaming of a cure
Painting broken hearts
And loving truly yours
It's almost sad to think
I'm glad for you, I'm sad
A time has come for waking
Finding dreams with credits all around
At the very basic story
A bloody field was found
Squeaking fan and burning daylight
Must rise for sleep to mourn
Raise a hand to wave goodbye
Wave fare well to "Cellar Door"
The end will wave goodbye
Happy sad the ending war
Cry for we... Cry for me...

I watched Donnie Darko last night, so blame that for this oddity. I wrote it to the tune of the song Mad World at the end of the movie. Since I kept trying to avoid following the same pattern as the song, I often lose all sense of any kind of rhyme, but oh well.
Gotta go now, see you at Warped Tour and Swing Dancing
"Your Face Here" upon my heart with love
Matthew (Mahi) Eskuchen

Happy August

Blog from when I was using LiveJournal.

[	mood	|	Sinuses killing head but Happy	]
[	music	|	LoveHateHero - Second Chance	]

Not much to say. I just wanted to update. I've only written 3 short entries in my little notepad.
First was a quote from my english book.
07/28/05 (01:05)
"Madness is actually a sane reaction to an insane world." ~Stephanie Ericsson

Next was this short thought.
07/28/05 (19:45)
I had loved a liar
I HAD LOVED MYSELF

And finally this short thought about Megan having another boyfriend.
07/30/05 (02:10)
It's almost sad to think that I'd be happy
But here I am smiling... uncontrollably
I'm glad for you
Take care

Yeah, I can't explain that at all. I'm happy for her, and I don't know why. But I am genuinely happy. It's weird, because a lot of other people seem to be upset. Oh well, I don't know the history between the two as well as other people do I guess. What matters is that I'm not angry. Being in Jacksonville was great, but getting back out here to Marianna I'm bored and kind of sick. My sinuses are killing my head, but I'm getting better. I don't really like it out here, there's nobody to visit or anything. You have no idea how much I miss all of you. But hey, I'll be back. Thursday is Warped Tour, Friday is Swing Dancing, and then the week after that, Saturday is Showbread and the Showdown.

Oh, and real quick before I go, I found a couple a lines from a song that are just awesome. See if you relate and let me know.
LoveHateHero - Second Chance
"All these faces,
See what you created.
They battle tears just to say,
'I'll miss your smile'"

Well, I have some emails to write, and a couple people to call. Happy August.

"Your Face Here" upon my heart with love
Matthew (Mahi) Eskuchen