| [ | mood | | |  Blah | ] |
| [ | music | | | Dead Poetic (Brought my MP3 player tonight) | ] |
Email to Lui
Man, I've really been thinking about Megan a lot since she sent me that email about the survey thing. She really did change who I was. I was a completely different person with her. Here by myself I'm depressed, and hating life. There's so much 'stuff' around me, but I'm not interested in it. Not movies or video games. I want friends. I want company. I want to live, not watch life being acted out on tv.I should go to the word, and go the the Lord, but I can't find the motivation to do so. I know that I should do it. I just don't want to do it. I feel too bored to read, which really makes no sense because you usually read when you're bored and have nothing else to do. Maybe that's the problem. There are other things to do. But I don't want to do them, and since I don't want to do them, I'm not bored enough to read...??? I'm confusing myself. I know what I mean, I just don't know how to write it. Man I hate this keyboard. I should just write letters and mail them. It seems more personal. But I don't have the money to buy stamps. Well, I do, or I could just use the stamp machine at my mom's office, but I don't know. Maybe I will.
I feel like I'm wasting away. Megan sent me that email trying to give me some worth, but all it did was degrade my worth, because I know I have all those things {gifts}, and here I am sitting here doing nothing with them. What a waste...
Here is an AIM conversation I just had.
HVW: ahoy!
GuardedLegacy: hey
HVW: how's it going?
GuardedLegacy: I'm not sure
HVW: why not?
GuardedLegacy: Well, I'm kinda hating life at the moment... I hate it here
HVW: mmm
GuardedLegacy: I am bored to death
GuardedLegacy: I'm sick of movies and video games
HVW: yeah
HVW: people ar e better
GuardedLegacy: I went for a walk today, that was okay, but yes... I need people
GuardedLegacy: and there just aren't any
HVW: mmm
HVW: i'm sorry
HVW: i hate being lonely
GuardedLegacy: I should be reading my bible or something, but I just have no motivation to do it
HVW: yeah
GuardedLegacy: I just don't want to do anything
HVW: yeah
GuardedLegacy: I just sit at home....
HVW: yeah
HVW: that's usually what i do
HVW: even if i can motivate myself to watch a movie or play a game it doesn't distract me for long
GuardedLegacy: If you're ever looking at a map, and you see a big black void in the panhandle of Florida, it's Marianna
HVW: hmm
HVW: is there no one your age there?
GuardedLegacy: There's like no one at all here
HVW: mmm
GuardedLegacy: well there are....
GuardedLegacy: but not where I live
GuardedLegacy: my house is about 20 miles from where I am now, and I'm at my mom's office right now
HVW: well, things will get better. sounds like they can't really get any worse, so the only way you can go is up
GuardedLegacy: Church tomorrow, the youth group has about 8 members, and half are Jr. High, and the older half are immature, not in a Sweendog way, but in a non-experienced way. Like they've never been or done anything in their lives
HVW: yeah
GuardedLegacy: I hope that's true... because I seem to be crashing to the bottom pretty fast
HVW: well, always remember that romans verse: "and we rejoice in our sufferings because suffering produces perseverance, perseverance character, and character hope."
This is something a friend of mine said...
"Oh i wish i wasn't so selfish. I feel bad. These livejournals are generally for selfish people who think that people care: when they don't."
I would like to support that comment in my current mood, but I just can't agree with it. Yes this does seem very selfish at times. But it is also a way to share what Is going on to everyone, without having to explain the same story 10 million times. People do care, My Friend. We do. Some people read and I'm sure they don't. But the people that read constantly are one of at least two things. One, they are interested and they sincerely care, or two, you have an interesting life, and reading about it keeps them entertained.
On to another subject; Mom Webb left a comment for me, and I was just thinking about my shirt for the band The Victim Of... Mr. Webb's right about me and that shirt. Because I do act like I am the victim of... (insert disaster here). It's almost like you name it, and I'll find a way to complain about it. It's sad. I truly am pathetic at times.
I'm sorry I have no poetry for you. I picked up my lastest notepad today, wanting to read through, and see if I could work on any incomplete poems I had, which I know I have a few. I skimmed a couple pages, and then tossed it across the room. I just want to see people. I was curled up in a ball this afternoon, listening to music. One song, that I haven't heard for a while came on my MP3 player (set on random) and I played it a couple times. It's called August Winterman by Dead Poetic, click here for the lyrics. Just reading the lyrics doesn't really do it. Hearing the song really expresses the emotion. The near whisper of the verses, and then the screech of the word PERFECT in the chorus. It really needs to be heard. But anyway, for nearly an hour, I just sat, curled up, half asleep in this ball, listening to music. This is no way to live.
I'm sorry...
There was an awesome sunset today. Some of the clouds were almost red. Not pink, but red. It was really cool. By the time I got to where I could take a good picture, they had become more of a pink, but it was still really cool. That was while I was driving, I had to drive around in a big circle to get back to where I fist saw the sunset to take the picture. Oh well. Earlier I went for a walk with my dog. I tried to take a picture of a rabbit, but it was too far away, and I couldn't get any closer without scaring it. I took some pictures of a little pond in the woods. I also tried taking a picture of the path leading back to the pond, but I don't think my camera has the focusing abilities to make it look the way it did in real life; like a tunnel of trees. It was cool.
This afternoon, my walk, and the sunset and, and my attitude toward this place. I really feel like just screaming. Someone please save me from this beautiful hell
Well, I'm tired, and I'm kind of tired of just blabbering on here. So I'm going to stop stealing your time with my 'victim of' attitude. This entry really does seem selfish.
With apologies
Matt
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