Made Up Like Mannequins

Blog from MySpace.

Current mood: Slightly better
Category: Slightly better Writing and Poetry

I've been traveling through a tough patch lately, so excuse a couple outbursts here.
And also, sorry I haven't checked my email or MySpace in forever... I just haven't cared to. I don't have enough energy to keep myself alive AND care about everybody else, and I'm sorry.
ummm most of these have ideas that I really LOVE, but they didn't come out well as a whole... but I like the ideas in a simplistic form... back to basics again...
Also, I track time in military time, so yes, anything that is written at 0X:XX is some time in the early morning... and usually I haven't gone to sleep yet... or I'm contemplating not sleeping.

Good Night, Good Knight
Gather together all your weapons
We've got ourselves a war (this afternoon)
We've drawn the line in the sand
By the merry-go-round
We'll have this place burned and black
Before the moon comes around
And with his silver eye
He'll fail to negotiate peace
They'll be on the run
We'll burn 'em out in the trees
And piece by piece we'll take them out

There was a storm
A wind of violence
A spray of ammunition
We seem to have lost our feet
(And our vision)
I heard a sound coming from the swing set
Jump out from behind your slide
Gun Ho, we'll catch 'em before we're out of time

Gather up all your weapons
We're running low
But we're not done yet
And don't forget that we've still got
The knives they buried in our backs

Wait!
Can you hear that?
It sounds something like silence
Wait!
We're (They're) not done yet
Leave your things and go
Don't look back
They've managed to outnumber us
The last time I counted
It was me versus you...
And your army of clones
Don't try to tell me that we're not alone
Cause I can see my shadow fall
Beneath the cold moon's light
He's been around some time
I trust he's not like you
He doesn't lie

We had started this day with a challenge
By noon we'd met to fight
By the time night fell
I was bleeding to death
I'm simply here to return your knife
Please bury me here in your sandbox
And don't forget my kiss goodbye
Don't look back
Don't regret
Don't apologize
Just say "Good night, good Knight"
06/22/06 (00:32)

06/25/06 (04:35)
I'll throw punches to hide that I'm tired
I'll smile to tell you I'm sad
I'll take you home and I won't say a word
Maybe you won't know that I'm hurt
I'll take a drive in the morning
I'll bust down the doors that aren't there
If tired and broken is all I can be
Than I'll laugh so loud no one can see

This is how it feels to know you're dead
This it how it feels to know
This is how I feel holding your hand
This is how
Loneliness is real
Take it from a ghost
This is how it feels to know

06/26/06 (04:08)
Invite me to the party
Leave me there with strangers
After five minutes gone
It's not like I was there to see only you
It's always good to see
Familiar faces that haven't been around recently
But hey, I guess she's with you
So if I wanted to visit with her,
Well screw that idea too
I've been locked inside a building
Made of a thin, thin glass
Well, getting out's impossible
And the scenery has all been black
I haven't found a reason
But living here
I might as well be dead
But I saw a girl today
Who's just like the doctor said
She's not a super model
But god, she stepped in fire
She's not too thin and not too hot
Oh god she's just a child
Well, I'll just wait around forever
Maybe my day will come
It's not like I'm impatient
But god, you are so fucking slow
And I am so fucking dumb
What light have I seen lately?
I've been in Hell for months
I just turned twenty and I feel like giving up
I'm tired
Don't tell me I'll be fine
I've heard it twenty years now
And this shit still isn't right
You better get your act together
I'm cutting all the lines
I'm hanging by your hair now
And I just can't wait to die

Made Up Like Mannequins
Can anybody give me something
To numb the pain that I don't feel
I spend half the night not sleeping
Cause I know the other half isn't real

Oh why can't I find hope
Why can't I find love
Why can't I find
The matter of fact that I want?
06/29/06 (02:10)

So, I'm feeling a bit better thanks to Amanda (and her family) showing up at Movie Gallery Wednesday. They were on their way back to Jacksonville, and stopped by. It was so great to see such a foreign familiar face.
Well, I'm off.
... you know, I don't think I've ever written a curse word in any one of my little memo pads that I carry around to write in... so, sorry that I started now.

Currently listening : We Don't Need to Whisper By Angels and Airwaves Release date: By 23 May, 2006

0 Comments - 0 Kudos

Thank You

Blog from MySpace.

Current mood: busy
Category: Life

Hey everybody

Thank you for commenting me for my Birthday.

Normally I'd probably reply to each of you, but I'm just a little busy lately... It's been five days since I checked my email (from my birthday to today) and it may be another five days before I get back again.
So if I find time, I will thank you guys, but please don't feel bad, like I don't care or something.
Thank you all so much.

Matt

Currently listening : Know Nothing Stays the Same By Copeland Release date: By 10 August, 2004

2 Comments - 2 Kudos

elyse

I hope you had a good birthday. Posted by elyse on Tuesday, June 20, 2006 at 10:11 AM

Patrick!?

happy birthday matt! Posted by Patrick!? on Thursday, June 22, 2006 at 11:45 PM

Burn This Nightmare Down (Happy Endings)

Blog from MySpace. Current mood: indifferent Category: Writing and Poetry 06/10/06 (02:26) Give me to Hollywood I'll burn it to the ground For every smile they make I'll show you How they project it upside down And every time it takes Too long to say All the thoughts I know I'll give you me Once the beast is shown And we'll burn this nightmare down 06/10/06 (02:34) This is mainly just a bunch of ideas flowing in circles. I was trying to find a way to word an idea or something like that, so don't read this expecting good poetry (not that you usually read my poetry expecting something good... I think most of it sucks... especially recently... sorry). I'm so tired But I'm not sleeping These "Happy Endings" are keeping me awake For fear of dreaming When you take second to no one And our chances are easily Infinitely against I'm betting that you miss me 'Cause it makes so perfect for the ending (I'll be so let down when this all goes wrong) But when my heart goes missing I'll never doubt which side I left it on 'Cause it takes a broken heart to know That it takes one to know one You took second to no one When you turned away And now I know That it takes one to know one It takes a moment like this To know a moment of bliss And it takes a moment of doubt To know forever without And it takes a heart just like yours Cocked and reloaded To blow mine away And so now I know this It takes one to know one When you take second to none 06/10/06 (04:50) When "hopeless" is All that you've got You're just glad to be romantic And when your dreams are Everything that you're not You know it's tough being a hopeless romantic We're all suckers For nights in armor And we're waiting for them Coming to save the day When the highest room In the tallest tower Seems an eternity away Try letting your hair down Try living it up Maybe life doesn't always have to be lonely We're all suckers For girls with problems Like evil relatives And godmothers with wings Just throw your head back We all wanna hear you sing Of all the impossible dreams Like princesses and knights and dragons Matthew Shane Eskuchen

Currently listening : Pretend You're Alive By Lovedrug Release date: By 27 July, 2004

3 Comments - 4 Kudos

	elyse	eh..nice! well done. Posted by elyse on Monday, June 12, 2006 at 12:37 AM

~Crystal~

I love it Matt! Your doing a great job with your writings! Love Yas! 2 Kudos BTW! Posted by ~Crystal~ on Monday, June 12, 2006 at 12:47 AM

Not Just Another Teenage Boy!

Blog from MySpace. Current mood:  tired Category: Writing and Poetry

I know my last blog lost focus. The ONLY thing I was supposed to post was this long grouping of words, but then I went off on a friend. If you read the last blog, you could probably see many contradictions in what I was saying... one second greatly respecting my friend, and the next second I was insulting the council that I so greatly respect. Well, this is what I wanted to have said. This is what I wanted to be seen. You know how you forget things that you don't want to remember? You don't let yourself remember something you did that was stupid or embarrassing... Well, remembering those moments can really help you. It can really lighten your load to accept that those things happened, and then move on, rather than trying to push out the memories and claim that it never happened. Embracing my mistakes has given much of the very little strength that I have. This next grouping of words is a bit.... revealing. Not just a bit, a lot. It has the simple ability to completely change the way you think about me. I am only offering the truth. This is not a poem. It is... simply not complete sentences. It is just... as it is. It just came out in these bursts of memories and thoughts, and that's how it is best communicated.

06/05/06 (05:37) Before you are young and immature, You are born When you are old, You die. I find myself approaching death, But not nearly the end of me. "Not just another teenage boy" I tried to make myself out to be But I've been just like all the others before. There was nothing about me that surpassed the air of mediocrity. In a short time, I will never be a teen again And the legacy that I left behind was one of ... Selfishness, Greed, Lust..... (Call it a drifting in faithless ungodliness if you like.) So, I didn't "sleep around" That doesn't mean I really am "Not just another" I wanted to. Physically touching a woman. Such a curious connection. I was in a deadly situation once. Had it not been for a foolish dream, Tribute to a fallen friend. I would have kissed her and lost control. I was laying on her bedroom floor, Her parents were out of town. Left with the empty house I didn't realize until I didn't know how to leave. Somehow... She was sitting on my hips The thought brings dragonflies to my stomach even now Not to be confused with butterflies. No, the air in my stomach fluttered, and I wasn't sure what to do, But my heart was heavy with colors that aren't beautiful Red, Yellow, Blue..... I held her hands And brought her face close to mine... I so wanted to kiss her Not out of love I just wanted to kiss... Anyone... But I held onto that dream Stolen from a friend who failed to keep his promises I save that first kiss still For the altar... But oh, I can't explain how deadly it is. I can't explain how dangerous The touch But I am not "Not just another." I am no more or less than any other Had it not been for an undead friend And the foolish dream I hold dear for him Had it not been for a desire to save the first kiss for last Our clothes would have left our skins And her brother's entrance would not have allowed for my escape. Had it not been for childish things like dreams His intrusion would have been nothing but encouragement "Use a condom" was all he had to say. Something his younger sister had seemingly randomly provided when I had arrived, Unaware of the guidance-less state of the house. But I had made a promise to keep a promise broken, And I fled It was two in the morning before I was home But I didn't care. I would explain everything. Because I fled It wasn't too late I fled And guided by angels I made it to my borrowed home I was a nervous wreck Oh how to explain...??? But I was home in that borrowed place And I am nothing but another... Sleazy, Shameless, Selfish......... Corpse of a teenage boy... But soon enough... I'll be dead forever.

Here are just a couple other things from that blog that I also wanted to post before I started typing all the extra stuff. 

06/05/06 (05:36) It's funny to find yourself as you're speeding to reach the place you ought to be, but you are not simply late to this meeting, you have missed it completely. Perhaps showing your face at the exit as the preacher passes gives the appearance that you were on time and attentive. Who knows why we speed to the empty church lot after all the meeters have gone to lunch.

5/26/06 (04:35) Run like Hell! You'll need a good head start for this one Run like Hell... Is burning up beneath your feet Run like Hell! Your fighting demons fighting angels Run like Hell... Is closing its gates while you're still on your way out I feel sick lately, like I can't explain. I feel like throwing up, but the words just won't come out. I want to pour myself onto the page, but I can't seem to open my heart. I feel abandoned, but not by God.

Ghost
"Hey, I'm a Ghost" (Sullivan's CD)
Taking Back Sunday ~ "'What's it feel like to be a ghost?' Louder, say it louder now... 'What's it feel like to be a ghost?'"
Lovedrug ~ "Your friends, now ghosts, are screaming." 

Well, that's it, I'm exhausted and I'm off to get some rest. "Your Face Here" Matthew Shane

Currently listening : The Best Worst-Case Scenario By Fair Release date: By 06 June, 2006

2 Comments - 4 Kudos

	~Crystal~	Awsome Blog and Kudos for your current listening while writing it! ;-D It's good to be honest about how you feel so that you can live life without secret convictions holding you back! Friendships are always tested but God knows the situation inside and out and knows your stance on your relationship with HIM and that's all that matters! Posted by ~Crystal~ on Thursday, June 08, 2006 at 2:43 AM

elyse

^she said it well. my thoughts exactly. Posted by elyse on Thursday, June 08, 2006 at 10:40 AM

"Who's your god?" . . .

Blog from MySpace. Current mood:  disappointed Category: Writing and Poetry 

"Well it's obviously video games...." (That was a terribly sarcastic response, but I think I have that right. If you read this, you don't know everything that I go through in my life, and I appreciate that you care for me and all, but missing a few weeks of church isn't killing me. I'm sorry, but that question hurt. You have no idea how badly I wanted to be there this past Sunday, and no idea how glad I am that I wasn't there... now that it has passed. It may have been a really good message... but what good is it if we're "just reading the lines they gave me from the pulpit.") Dead Poetic ~ "Glass In The Trees"

"When the time that's wasted comes back to haunt me And I'll deserve every bit, because I'm not spiritual yet. I'm just reading the lines they gave me from the pulpit."

Here are some thoughts I've taken from a letter I wrote to a friend last night.

I feel sick lately, like I can't explain. I feel like throwing up, but the words just won't come out. I want to pour myself onto the page, but I can't seem to open my heart. I seem to have locked myself away like I was locked away before I moved to Jacksonville. I feel abandoned, but not by God. I feel like I've abandoned myself, actually. Ghost "Hey, I'm a Ghost" (Sullivan's CD) Taking Back Sunday ~ "'What's it feel like to be a ghost?'" Louder, say it louder now... 'What's it feel like to be a ghost?'" Lovedrug ~ "Your friends, now ghosts, are screaming."

5/26/06 (04:35) Run like Hell! You'll need a good head start for this one Run like Hell... Is burning up beneath your feet Run like Hell! You're fighting demons fighting angels Run like Hell... Is closing its gates while you're still on your way out 

06/05/06 (05:36) It's funny to find yourself as you're speeding to reach the place you ought to be, but you are not simply late to this meeting, you have missed it completely. Perhaps showing your face at the exit as the preacher passes gives the appearance that you were on time and attentive. Who knows why we speed to the empty church lot after all the meeters have gone to lunch. 

This next grouping of words is a bit.... revealing. Not just a bit, a lot. It has the simple ability to completely change the way you think about me, so if you read, you have been warned. I was only offering the truth. 

06/05/06 (05:37) Before you are young and immature, You are born When you are old, You die. I find myself approaching death, But not nearly the end of me. "Not just another teenage boy" I tried to make myself out to be But I've been just like all the others before. There was nothing about me that surpassed the air of mediocrity. In a short time, I will never be a teen again And the legacy that I left behind was one of ... Selfishness, Greed, Lust..... (Call it a drifting in faithless ungodliness if you like.) So, I didn't "sleep around" That doesn't mean I really am "Not just another" I wanted to. Physically touching a woman. Such a curious connection. I was in a deadly situation once. Had it not been for a foolish dream, Tribute to a fallen friend. I would have kissed her and lost control. I was laying on her bedroom floor, Her parents were out of town. Left with the empty house I didn't realize until I didn't know how to leave. Somehow... She was sitting on my hips The thought brings dragonflies to my stomach even now Not to be confused with butterflies. No, the air in my stomach fluttered, and I wasn't sure what to do, But my heart was heavy with colors that aren't beautiful Red, Yellow, Blue..... I held her hands And brought her face close to mine... I so wanted to kiss her Not out of love I just wanted to kiss... Anyone... But I held onto that dream Stolen from a friend who failed to keep his promises I save that first kiss still For the altar... But oh, I can't explain how deadly it is. I can't explain how dangerous The touch But I am not "Not just another." I am no more or less than any other Had it not been for an undead friend And the foolish dream I hold dear for him Had it not been for a desire to save the first kiss for last Our clothes would have left our skins And her brother's entrance would not have allowed for my escape. Had it not been for childish things like dreams His intrusion would have been nothing but encouragement "Use a condom" was all he had to say. Something his younger sister had seemingly randomly provided when I had arrived, Unaware of the guidance-less state of the house. But I had made a promise to keep a promise broken, And I fled It was two in the morning before I was home But I didn't care. I would explain everything. Because I fled It wasn't too late I fled And guided by angels I made it to my borrowed home I was a nervous wreck Oh how to explain...??? But I was home in that borrowed place And I am nothing but another... Sleazy, Shameless, Selfish......... Corpse of a teenage boy... But soon enough... I'll be dead forever. 

So.... is that how well you know me? Is that the faith you have in me? "Who is your god?" My God is a God who gave me innocence when I was guilty... My God is a God who gave me a friend... who made a promise to save his first kiss for the altar. "What an idea" I thought. "I want to do that....." My God is a God who allowed this friend to decide he was gay My God is a God who gave me the strength to love him with tears in my heartbroken eyes. My God is a God who gave me naivety when I was so knowledgeable My God is a God who doesn't require that I appear at every church meeting My God is a God who loves me....

"How dare I call this love... and not bare my cross to the end 

How dare I! 

And how can I call this love 

When all that I am 

Is because 

Your love endures... ... 

My back to it. 

Your love endures......"

If the God I love isn't your God, please, let me know. I'd know where you stand. But don't ask me who my God is. My God has pulled me out of situations so .... Don't you dare ask... I understand it was an attempt to keep me in line. I miss a lot of church... I do. But I have nothing in my life worth living for without my God, and that includes church. Don't tell me I'm falling away from God because I sleep through a couple church services because I was up all night... playing video games or writing a letter, or simply staring at the ceiling thinking. Don't you dare judge the way I worship. So it's not like you, with my hands raised, standing on a platform for all to see. Is it so wrong that I seek a quiet, dark corner... where I can't see anyone. Where I have no distractions. Don't ask who my god is when I don't seek him the same way you do. I respect your advice, and I value your council.... But don't look down on me. You have no write to look down on me whether I'm just another teenage boy or not. You have no place to judge unless you walk every moment of your life in my shoes. "Your Face Here" upon my heart with love Matthew Shane Eskuchen Just another teenage boy

Currently listening : Pretend You're Alive By Lovedrug Release date: By 27 July, 2004

4 Comments - 6 Kudos

	elyse	RIGHT ON! I hate how judgemental certain Christians are towards one another. Some people can't get off on sundays because THEY HAVE TO WORK TO SUPPORT THEMSELVES! I was in that situation once. I wanted to be at church so badly, but I had to work a job where I was treated like crap. Thankfully I quit, and I have a wonderful job now that lets me have my sundays off. They work with me on my schedule and I love them so much. There are some places now that have later services. Like the church I go to has a service on Saturday night at 8. Maybe you could look into those if you're interested. DOn't let others get to you. Just keep serving God the way that you feel need to, not the hands lifted high for everyone to see what a good "christian" you are version. Posted by elyse on Tuesday, June 06, 2006 at 12:50 AM

	Kelly	I am very proud of you. Not every guy can say they have walked away from a situation like that. You should be proud of yourself and of your beliefs. I love you! Posted by Kelly on Wednesday, June 07, 2006 at 10:53 PM

	Let my love be a reflection of TRUE Love quig the joker	Okay, this blog had posted twice and you guys were commenting on two different blogs that were exactly the same. So I'm am just combining them and deleting the spare blog. Here's Quig's comment. you know the same question was asked to me no to long ago and I made a decision to get rid of a bunch of my cds becuase they were halting my relationship with christ Posted by quig the joker on Monday, June 05, 2006 at 9:59 PM Posted by Let my love be a reflection of TRUE Love on Thursday, June 08, 2006 at 1:12 AM

Jesus loves the HELL outta you!!

Dude, I feel so ashamed for not knowing you as well as a friend should. I just wanted to say, that while reading this i honestly cried. I was mourning for the souls of everyone as well as crying out of the joy I have in the LORD. You are a great person of GOD and I totally look up to you as an example of faith. It sucks that they will only let me put 2 kudos on this. LoL. But I can relate to you on the issues that you posted. I'm proud that I can call you friend, and hope you can say the same to me. Sometimes, I can get caught up in the "Christian Thing" and I know it. This blog has seriously opened my eyes to see alot of the truth in our actions. I commend you for standing up for your beliefs and faith in GOD with that "encounter". I could keep going, but I think I should post my own blog if I want to ramble on and on! I love you man! Posted by Jesus loves the HELL outta you!! on Friday, June 16, 2006 at 3:37 PM