Mysterious Disappearance

Dear Everyone (who probably isn't reading this...)

I need to be going right now, but soon I will be posting a blog explaining the details as to why I'm going to be disappearing in about two months for about two months.

You better come find me while you can... cause it has something to do with Basic Training.

Yes, I'll be joining the Air Force.

I'm excited, and I'll let you know more soon.

Currently listening: Only by the Night By: Kings of Leon Release date: 2008-09-23

Justification

Sit down and let me tell ya a little tale. Now ya see... It goes a little som'd'n like 'dis...

I was working one night at the Waffle House. It was your typical Friday night, drunks coming in an stirring things up, the regular outlaws. Then it slows down around 0130-0200. So I'm inside cleaning stuff, and the other servers and cooks are outside smoking. They come in laughing and talking about how this guy who had just pulled up peed himself in the parking lot. Not dropped his draws and peed, literally peed in his pants.
Well this group of people comes in shortly afterward and sits in my section. Three pretty attractive girls and a guy sitting in a booth.
Well, they all order their drinks and food, and then another guy comes in. Mister pee-his-pants himself. Doesn't pull up an extra chair, but sits down in the 4-seater booth (meaning 2-seater bench) and puts his arm around the most attractive girl at the table. Hands down the most attractive.
He's got wet stains running down his pant-legs, and she doesn't seemed phased by him at all.

And that's the end of my story.

Sure, there's more to it than that, but that's all I need to see everything I need to know about life, and justify several of my decisions and choices.

Lesson one. I choose to believe in the end of the world.
Why? Well, when an idiot can get so drunk he can piss himself in public and not only not be embarrassed himself, but go into a restaurant and have the attractive girl he's with not be embarrassed of him... Well that tells me the end is near.
Next...

With the end of the world so near and all, I feel perfectly justified in not seeking a romantic relationship.
Reasoning? Well, when you have to be a fun-loving guy to get a girl, and fun is clearly pissing yourself in public... I will never be a fun-loving guy, and I will never get the girl.

So now we all know why I'm single, pissed off about it, and perfectly justified in feeling this way.

No, this didn't happen this weekend. It happened a couple months ago, and I should've known to quit my job then. Yes, it really did happen. I'm so sick of dealing with drunks it's ridiculous!

Can the world end a little faster, please?

Humpty Dumpty's Broken Heart (and mine)

Let's see... New Blog Post? (now for a catchy title...)

I'm laying on a wall, at the bottom of the hill, just outside the dungeon. I've been meaning to post a blog for a couple weeks now, and I've just been so busy or so tired or so uninspired to write anything... So here I lie ("in the belly of a shark") at the bottom of the hill, laying on a wall outside the dungeon. Perhaps I'm waiting on someone, but possibly not.
I was going to post a blog entitled "So... I Met a Girl???" implying confusion toward the fact that I was unsure about the feelings I had about this meeting, or its eventual outcome. Well, it is that very female that is the subject that I may or may not be waiting on this very wall for.
I've wanted to write a poem lately, but the most I could think of to write was simply "this is dangerous" and that is already well placed in a song called Mindfields by The Prodigy. And so ends the story of sitting on a wall.

So now it's two days later, and... That's that.
So Monday afternoon I was laying on a wall, waiting on someone who never came. I met her parents that night at the Jazz Band concert. She plays the trumpet. A group of us tried going out to eat, but she was rear-ended on the highway, and that pretty much killed the plans to eat. I ate several hours later with one of her best friends. Oddly enough, I spend more time with her best friend and talk more with her best friend than I do with her.

Last night I went to see Twilight with her best friend and James. It was quite a 5th grade giggle-fest - the movie was. But it did inspire me to purchase the book.
I agree with my roommate that just about any two episodes of Smallville would make a better movie, but that doesn't mean that the movie was terrible... Rather... It was cheesy.

Anyway, today has been a tough day for me. I hate text messages and the relationships that they ruin.
So back to "her." We were texting this afternoon, and I was trying to apologize for things being the way they are, but I had no real way of explaining that. Well tonight, around midnight, I finally told her that there wouldn't be anything between us. I didn't tell her why, I just said there wouldn't.
I didn't want to hurt her by telling her that my reasoning for giving up on persuing a relationship with her was because she's not ready for a serious relationship. I couldn't ever have a serious conversation with her about "us." I think she was too caught up in a fascination that someone liked her that she didn't consider how she really felt about me. I know I've made similar mistakes, but... Now it makes me wonder.
This hurts... It hurts a lot.
It's a broken heart all over again, and it makes me realize that I let myself become way too attached to her. We weren't ever anything but friends, really.
Ironically, waiting on a wall at the bottom of a hill for someone who never arrives is the perfect parallel for this story. I was really excited, thinking there was something, but then it turns out that I have to tell her that it isn't going to work. Sad, really, that I had to tell her that it wasn't going to work. Sad because it's almost like waiting on a wall and then calling the person you're waiting on and telling them that they're not going to come meet you, and then they simply agree with you. It would be nice if people would call and let you know they weren't coming to meet you, rather than you pointing out to them that you've figured it out before they have that they're not coming.

I'm sorry I seem so frustrated by this. I am. I really really like this girl, and... This really hurts. We've been hanging out for nearly a month, knowing we both had feelings for each other, and having the intention of getting to the point where we would go out, but I was waiting to meet her parents, because the first thing I ever heard them say about me was that I was too old. She's 18 and in college, I'm 22. I knew if I met them that they wouldn't have any problems with me, and so I've been trying to find a chance to meet them so that then I could ask them if I could ask her out. Well, I finally met them, but didn't really get to talk to them or anything. It was more simply just "this is Mom, Dad, and so-on," and then they ran out to dinner.

I hate this so much. I had finally reached a place in life where I was perfectly content being single and living alone, and then in flies a wildcard. Why?
I'm not doing this again. No wonder I stayed single most of my life. See, we all think it's because I'm a nerd, and I'm quiet and shy, but in all subconscious truth it's because my heart doesn't want to be broken and it's just protecting itself. I'm not opening my heart again... It hurts too much. It's not worth opening. Even when it's not their intention, I'm the one who ends up hurt. I do everything I possibly can in an attempt to not hurt them, and in the end, it just breaks my heart again...
Well I'm not doing it again.

Good Morning. Happy Thanksgiving.
I'll now post this blog that I started typing on Monday, continued on Wednesday, and finished Thursday morning.
Thank you for reading my dull and pointless blog. I suppose now it's really nothing, but I thank you if you take the time to read it.
I'm thankful that I met Brittany, and her friends, Teena, and Rachel (I didn't mention Rachel in this blog). I'm thankful that I have a good roommate even though I'm not good to him as often as I should be. I think the reason I find it so difficult to live with someone is because I'm so selfish. I'm sorry that I'm so selfish. I work on it. I try not to be... But still, I am.
I'm thankful for my friend Chris and her mother who are helping me to apply to the University of West Florida. I'm thankful for the opportunity I've been given to play piano again. I'm even grateful that I have a job in there hard times. Even if I absolutely hate that job. I'm thankful to God for offering so many blessings that I don't deserve.
And last, I'm thankful for you. You are all blessings that I don't deserve. Thank you.

Liars and Thieves

I miss friends. You know... Those people who were always there.
Do you remember those days when he knew he'd be the best man at my wedding, no question? Those days when I actually believed I'd get married.
It doesn't matter now, I suppose. I guess it never really did. But that's what I'm tired of. All the things that don't matter. All that we waste our lives on.

Such as this blog. Mindless self-indulgence. Selfish squabble over why I did, or didn't get my way, and what can and can't be done about it.
Quickly, someone, fetch the straight jacket.

Marriage is meant for the faithful and love is made for the lovely. Both of which, I am not.
And who's to argue and to what point and purpose? "The Pearl is gone."

So, to be done with it all.
When I started typing this, it was the twenty-second of October. That just happened to be Melanie's birthday. Who remembers such things, and why?
Happy Birthday, by the way. To you and your sister both.
I've been asking myself as of late... How do I know if I've forgiven her? Is it ever possible? I don't care very much for the thought of carrying her around for the rest of my life. And then be raised the questions... Have I forgiven myself? Is it ever even possible? But again, to what point and purpose? "The Pearl is gone."

And so again, we move on. On to the friends... On to the liars and the thieves. On to the lasting darkness.
You see, I no longer have friends. There are plenty of people that I love in this life, but there is no time spent between them and me as to which I still hold claim to calling them friend. "It's so close, but we're so far away."
And all that remains are the liars and thieves. Those who steal and cheat away our time.
Leaving us in darkness. To them I give no more... I will waste no time on love and lust and lies. I will seek after no more friendships, whether they be old and forgotten or new and undefined. There is no value to it. "The Pearl is gone," as it were.

I shall become the ghost I always should've been. I once left the ghostly life... Grew a shadow and took physical form among people whom I called friends. But they've long forgotten me, and I can't replace them.

So what do you know of silence? I know that it is a language long forgotten and I've spoke too little as of late, but I'll embrace it's ways again. Because there is no one to talk to, and there is no desire to speak.

I once dreamt of holding comfort in my arms, just as I was held as comfort in hers, but I've come to see that it is not real. There is no comfort to be found in those arms that would not be needed if it were not for those arms being found in the first place. If stress from one life can be carried by one, then who needs the stress from two lives to share with a wife?

Remember me.
(or not... It makes little difference.) The Pearl is still gone.

Blinded, Gravity and a 64 hour weekend

Eyes closed... The silence is comforting.
The blog is blind. I am blind. I have closed my eyes and turned off the monitor.

Gravity.
I am drawn to people, places and things. Does anything or anyone gravitate toward me? I have little gravity.


Life is far too busy lately. I had to move down the street to my sister's old house. It's been a hard move because first it was very short notice, and second my roommate and I work opposite schedules. Unless it's one in the morning on a school night, we're generally not home at the same time.

I woke up around 10 Friday morning. I had felt sick the day before, but kept waking up every few hours. I couldn't sleep that night. I woke up around 5 and made tea, but fell asleep while it was steeping. I woke up at 8 to warm up the tea and drink half of it. Then, about 10, I woke up and got up. I was up all day. My dad showed me what to do with the pool at the new house, Shane needed help moving a tanning bed for my sister. I moved a couple things over to the new house. Amazing how that little bit of work burns up the daylight, isn't it?
I worked Friday night until Saturday morning. Then I went home and had to kick Chris out of bed, which didn't work, so I fell asleep. about an hour later my dad and brother showed up for no apparent reason. Just a surprise good morning. I woke Chris up again, and it took several hours to get him to help with moving my bed.
So the bed was in the new house, but not much else.
Well, then I moved more stuff, and took care of the pool.
I went to visit Amanda who was in town from New York.
Then I went to work for Saturday night--nine to seven.
So... I got off Sunday morning and met up with my brother for breakfast. He was leaving town, so we wanted to get some time to chat. Two hours later, I left to head home. I got home, tried to get some stuff together to go to the new house and make my bed, but ended up just falling asleep on the couch. I woke up three hours later when I missed a phone call from someone from work letting me know that she would switch shifts with me. She'd work my two o'clock shift and I'd work her five o'clock shift.
Well that was good, considering I hadn't set an alarm, I never would have made it to work at two considering she woke me up around 1.
I worked from five until nine and then went to Wal-mart for a short visit. Chris was waiting for me to get home so that we could move some stuff. After Wal-mart I stopped by Derek and Crystal's house just because I wanted to say hi. I hadn't seen them in a while, and last week I sent Derek a note written in the hand of my friend Bradley. They have a computer programming class together.
So I said hi, talked with Derek and Crystal for a little while, and then went home extremely frustrated and tired.
Chris was acting like a wife who's husband wasn't home on time.
He was mad a Derek for God only knows what. He keeps going on about how Derek hates him, but he's supposed to be his best friend. I was like "have you talked to him? Just go over and say Hey, that's what I did."
I moved some more of my stuff, but by the time Chris was ready to move furniture it was about two in the morning.
He let me go to sleep.

64 hours... maybe 5 hours of sleep... I slept in.

Now I have to go though. I have an economics test in a little over an hour, and I'd like to read over a few more terms.

Distant, Vacant, and Void
matthew shane

Good Medicine

Short And Sweet

I'll keep it simple and stick close to the exciting part.

I told her today. :-)

Well, technically, I... Well, here's what went down, in a nutshell.
I asked her "Can I ask you a somewhat stupid question?"
She agreed, and I asked, "Do people ever tell you you're gorgeous?"
She said "No, not really."
So I said, "Okay then, I will."
She said thanks, we both said have a good day, and see you tomorrow, and that's about it.

She's totally already planning our wedding in her subconscious mind. She doesn't even know it yet, but we're totally getting married.

Just kidding.
I really just want to get to know her as a friend. She is gorgeous, and seems like quite a fun person to know, but... I really... Still don't want a serious relationship yet.
The stress of it is just stupid and you miss out on so much fun you could be having by worrying and thinking too seriously about something that should just be fun.

We're all still just kids... Lets break down and act like it sometimes.
(this includes my adult readers)

Matthew Shane.

PS. Did anyone ever hear from the elusive Amanda? Cause I haven't... Oh well... Friends will be friends... And everyone else... Well... I hate to judge, but... It really is who she's been lately. (absorbed by her "serious" relationship, I'd wager)

Oh, and if any of you haven't heard the new Jonezetta album, Cruel to be Young... You really REALLY should check it out. It's simply amazing, and not at all what you might think. Definitely worth the (and multiple) listen(s).

For the Ever Elusive Amanda Marie...

I wish a good day to you, dearest Amanda Marie, where ever you find yourself today. I hope everything is wonderfully beautiful in your world and I hope you are fairing quite well in your adventures about SouthEastern.
I am enjoying my time back in school, very much.
I wrote some poems in the past couple weeks that I think and hope you will really enjoy. Check two blogs previous.
Lately I've been wanting to write another "nothing to write" poem. I remember you whenever I want to write those types of poems because I remember calling you once when I wrote one. I wanted to tell you something, but didn't...
That seems to be how it goes... When I have something I want to say, but can't find a way, I start writing poems with the line "nothing to write."
At least this time I have better nothings to write... Or not, whichever I decide.

So... Here is revealed the looming question... Why a blog and not a phone call or text to say all this rather pointless nonsense?
Just because I felt like it. :-)
And ironically, it has all been done on my phone.

Take care. Tell Danny-boy happy birthday.
Love you!

matthew shane (no caps.)

Jonezetta and Band Marino

Great guys! I gotta meet and hang out with three of them for a while. The venue was kinda crappy, but they still rocked anyway.
I asked, and they played the song Imagination for me. :-) Robert said this goes out to our friend who asked up to play it. :-)
I was so excited!
Band Marino rocked as well, and I talked to a couple of them, and asked about possibly touring with them as a merch guy and they gave me some contact info. So I'm stoked about that possible opportunity.
But more later. Right now I need to drive home. Goodnight.

A Great Desire

Hello everyone (who happens to read this)

I have really been wanting to post lately. Fill you in on life, tell of my adventures, express my great love and excitement to be back in school and my great dread of every day (night) I have to work.

I have no idea where to start though.

I have no desire to sit here at the computer typing up a message, and even less of a desire to type it up on my phone. So here I am.
It's all for you because I surely don't want to be here right now.

Although I really do have a great desire within me to share.

So...
School is awesome! I'm a lab assistant for the Physics professor who is also the first science teacher I had out here at Chipola. I don't know if you remember my blog from way back when... Fall of 2005. He's the one with the balding mullet... Very awesome!!!

Well, being the Doc's lab assistant got up to $900 of classes paid for. Originally I was just going to take a computer class, and two piano classes--all together they came to $400 exactly. I signed up for those three classes, and paid for them myself. Then that afternoon, I signed into being the lab assistant. The next day I went back up to the school to add two more classes.

The school wasn't happy with me. I have my AA, and I'm taking classes with no chosen major, so that just makes the school not like me.
So I decided I'd go ahead and just choose the business major. Chipola just started a four year business program, so I can still stay here.
The two classes I added were Economics and Accounting.
This gave me 11 credit hours for about $865. Since 12 hours is full time, and I can get a discount on my car insurance because of that, I added a Current Affairs class which is only worth one hour. My total bill was $935. I only had to pay $35 of that.

So, I love Economics. The teacher's just AWESOME and it's a really fun class.
It's almost sad that I love learning so much...
Anyway, there's also this really cute girl in my economics class. And that's a really poor description of her. She's GORGEOUS!!! And the sound of her voice is just great. And I've been trying to find a way to catch up with her (she peels rubber getting out of class... and I'm always the last to leave... I'm working on it). I really just want to talk with her and be her friend. Get to know her and see "who" she is. She seems like a really fun person though.

Enough about that though, I also LOVE my piano classes. I am so excited to be playing again. I wish I had never stopped, but I was forced to play when I was little, and my teacher was really a jerk because I always forgot to leave math class for my lessons. So I was interested in math all the way back in 8th grade.... Sorry.

The accounting class is okay. I'm not particularly fond of the professor. I don't think he does a particularly good job teaching. We had our first test today, and I got by half of it because of things I remembered learning in Economics class... so.... that doesn't seem too good.
There were things I didn't understand how to do, and reading the book didn't help because the professor does them differently, and it's all just... weird.
When he told us to read whatever chapters... it was in a tone of suggestion, as in "it really helps if you read the book." But really, I see now that we HAVE to read. Because he doen't cover everything that's on the test. And then on top of that... whatever we've learned in the book, we then have to relearn according to the way he prefers it. Which is really crappy, because he skips steps... Ever had trouble with a math problem, so you write out ALL the steps to make sure you don't miss anything? Well, he teaches with those steps cut out... so I don't know what's missing and what's not, and I don't know how to check... It's really annoying. I'm going to talk to him about it though. I was thoroughly enjoying the class until today when I realized he wasn't teaching all that we needed to know for the test.
It's almost like he's saying "read the book and I'll help explain the way I do what it says." It's not at all like he's actually teaching... it ticks me off.

Lastly is Current Affairs, which I'm VERY glad is only one day a week. The professer is an extremely opinionated Democrat. We're supposed to discuss what's going on in the news, but with the way she says things... I feel that I have no way to state my opinion, and that's my grade right out the window because it's based on participation.
I'm quite open and comfortable talking in any of my other classes, but that one... ugh... it's hard to get anything out.
She was going on about how Gov. Palin had called women dogs simply because she claimed the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull was lipstick. She is NOT calling women dogs. At it's worst, one could say she's calling Hockey moms dogs, but I don't think that at all. I believe she's saying that Hockey moms are simply tough and scary, and they need to be to put up with hockey players.
I saw an article about the "lipstick" comments in USA Today today, and I have the paper at home. I'm going to read it as soon as I finish posting this and get home.

Lastly (again) is my computer class. Not much to say there. I get to sit next to my friend Chris. She is yet another AWESOME person that I've met. We had Astronomy together over the summer. She's homeschooled and duel enrolled at the college, and she's VERY, VERY smart.
Her mom is awesome. Often times they take me out to lunch, which her mom keeps buying for me. I greatly appreciate it, but I feel bad about it. I'd like to be able to treat them every once in a while, but usually what happens is I suggest the place, and she buys the food.
I love them both. They super cool!!! (even though that sounds really lame).
Chris might read this, so just in case, she needs to know that I am immensly grateful for her help on the Science Club Poster, and I'm really sorry she got sick that day. And she's just plain spectacular and I'm really glad that I got to meet her.

Now before my battery dies I have just a little more to say.

First, if I haven't mentioned it, I have a new roommate. His name is Christopher, and he's another really great guy (I always seem to be surrounded by amazing people... isn't that amazing!!!).
I've been riding my bike at the park for the past three nights (at least...) and enjoying almost every minute of it (feeling the bugs pelt me all over and stick to my arms is not so enjoyable... but...).

I wrote this while riding at the park at sunset today. There are various strange references in it... so it probably doesn't make sense... but it comes from a conversation between Dr. Bodart (Physics Professor) and myself earlier this afternoon, before I went to the park. I explained the conversation... well, the mentionings of cities below the poem, but I like the mystery of it without understanding what it's talking about.

09-11-08 (18:58)
It's too hot
The sun beats down too hot
The cloud cover just temporary
Relief
September in St. Louis
It's just not the way it was
The way I remember
And we'll be hitting Houston
And I'm so scared
The sun is going down
And I'm so scared
Between the dim light and the shadows
I recall
A September in St. Louis
When I was young
And this just never is
The way it was
The way it was...
The way it was...
The moon sharing the sky with the sun
And I'm so scared...


Dr. Bodart's from St. Louis, and not used to it being this hot in September, and Hurricane Ike is supposed to hit Houston tomorrow (I think). So that's that. Wasn't it better with the Mystery to it?

Now this I wrote a couple days ago. It was strange inspiration, but it came from the thought that I will never produce anything new. Any poem that I ever write will always be something that has been within me since I was born. Ever watch a movie, and then watch it again, and see something totally different and new that you didn't see before. Well, that's what I was trying to express. I've also been feeling overwhelmingly inspired to write. Overwhelming because there is just so much I want to write that I can't focus on one simple thing to write. So... here it is.
"Hope you hate it." (Reese Roper)

09-07-08 (21:35)
I feel like a storm drain
Overflowed with debris
Trash and beauty found a way
To waste me away
And in my simplest state
I've come to see
I'm merely a painting
Everything ever "produced" has been within me from the start
Who now should we praise?
The sculptor or the art?

With Love
You're with Stupid
Matthew Shane

Did I mention the girl in my Economics class??? I'm going to talk to her. I will.

Long Lost...

08/11/08 (20:21)
Thinking I've been seeing people that I know
In a city that I don't
After three long years
I still feel like a ghost.

08/23/08 (18:03)
I'm no stranger to the unknown
But she's a stranger to me
I'm too old now
To not have a home
But if I did
I'd just wanna leave

I want outta this life
I want to be free
I'm no stranger to the unknown
Than a songbird that never sings
I want outta this life
I want to be free
I'm no stranger to the unknown
But she's a stranger to me

I've been writing letters with a ghost
I replies in simple terms
Never more than a desire to see the coast
But I've been land locked now, so long it hurts

08/28/08 (21:32)
Circling around
For just another glimpse of an angel
You're gorgeous
And I'll never have another chance to say so
You're beautiful
And after all the bridges have fallen down
This will still {always?} be your song
And I'll have sung it just for you
All along.



And... I think I'm going to step out and do something crazy... I'm going to ask her. Nothing serious. I'm simply going to ask her if (probably if she's single first... So as not to cause problems) but then I'll ask if she wants to hang out.

None of this was written about her... I just thought I'd share my plan anyway.

Matthew Shane

Currently Listening: Thriving Ivory By: Thriving Ivory Release date: 2008-08-26

Clear Mirrors On Dark Days

Some days, you can dance and sing, and make faces... You can convince yourself of just about anything. Some days you are fully confident in your ability to be an idiot.

You have no doubt what-so-ever that one day your idiocy could very well change the world...



Other days, you wish there weren't mirrors. Every time you walk past, your mood darkens as you realize what you're seeing when you're left with nothing to think but...

Gosh... What an idiot...



It seems strange to read I Corinthians 13:12. Some things we can't see so clearly... Sometimes we're seeing things through darkened glass, waiting for the day that things will clear up and we'll understand.

Am I merely a poor reflection, as seen in a mirror? It seems so clear and to the point.

I wish I could see... Who am I supposed to be? Why is everyone so far away?



Where am I???

(I ask peering into the mirror)

Where is me???

"My rage... My pain... I hate my darkest days." ~Stabbing Westward~



Clear Mirrors, Darkened Glass, and the Darkest of Days

Currently Listening: Darkest Days By: Stabbing Westward Release date: 1998-04-07

The Sound and The Silence

Some things are better left unsaid.
But I'll let the music I've been listening to speak for me.

Cover Your Eyes By: Sullivan Release date: 2007-06-05

"This paper posed as photographs, this promise snapped with time elapsed.
You think you do, but you don't know me at all."

Great White Whale By: Secret and Whisper Release date: 2008-02-12

1- Blonde Monster
"Sometimes evil eyes are comforting. Cast spells on our hearts, we don't mind."
2- You Are Familiar
"You're clear to me, despite my blurry vision.
You are familiar in ways that I'm looking for, a silent figure that looms beyond.
You're looking over me."
3- Vanishings
"I say never again to friends, and fads, and fitting in:
A phantom walks to the sea, fades and secretly drowns until his heart's appeased."
6- Spider Besider
"There's a mystical, ancient, and forgotten way.
Ia cho ku, I'm not as sweet as I've led you.
Ia cho ku, with spiders beside her.
Tradition meets with ocean eyes, and sea monsters are in the tides.
A spider beside her."
7- Looming Moon
"We are spending all our time away from one another.
Like wind behind the grass in sway, asleep at certain times of day.
May we all turn into the leaves that crack and break apart.
And I'm anxious to relieve my mind from desperate thoughts.
I hope you remember me always."
8- Attacker
"At night we hear you wandering, gently appearing softly, and cautiously.
There are glowing particles, and flashing bursts,
But let me tell you that the whispering is the worst.
Is he attacker or friend, with a message to send?
Or is it just loneliness?"
9- Anchors
"The ocean dwells in lonely life and storm
Give me this moment; I'll wade into the ocean.
Anchors drag me down to depths of sea, where creatures can watch me drown."
10- Werewolves
"Give in to ghost that haunt you. Accept the friends you want to.
I feel like I am barely on. A well with all the water drawn.
When I'm hard on life, I sleep in days and wander nights.
With legs too weak to carry on, we fall apart like falling stars."
11- Lovers
"Waiting all her life, you have been spending your days all alone, like a widow grieving.
You hold onto the promise you will see him again, like lovers in the evening.
For the open and great unknown, you're leaving your heart at home.
He regrets all his memories, and his soul is left to haunt the breeze alone."
12- Great White Whale
"I'm searching for the great white whale, strong and bold. Locked in a tower, he will sleep forever. I'll never be alone again.
Down by the alder, we were wishing our hearts together. Down by the alder, where you told me you'd never love another.
The animals are gathering to hunt me down. To take revenge for kidnapping your gentle sound. Return to the river, with the howling of all the animals that needed you.
In hunting and living, if you remember one thing, remember I needed you."

Until There's Nothing Left of Us By: Kill Hannah Release date: 2006-08-01

"Take this heart. It's ticking like a time bomb And I'm not running anymore!
I'll stand to face it all! I'll fight for every breath until there's nothing left of us!"

Beautiful Lie By: 30 Seconds To Mars Release date: 2007-02-27

"A revolution has begun today for me inside
The ultimate defense is to pretend
Revolve around yourself just like an ordinary man
The only other option to forget"

Define the Great Line By: Underoath Release date: 2006-06-20

1- In Regards To Myself
"There's got to be some stable ground left to walk on
So tear another page from the book
Are you asleep or just alone
Clear this room from your lungs
And pull yourself together man
Just what are you so afraid of
You're staring truth in the face, so come on down"
2- A Moment Suspended In Time
"There's nothing left for me here
No time to talk you know the drill
It's so funny how we see things so clear when we have no time left to live!"
3- There Could Be Nothing After This
"You want to see me disappear? Well, so do I
Such a quiet evaporation"
4- You're Ever So Inviting
"Don't make me feel so contradicting
I know why you never take your eyes off me
I've used my lungs for everything but breathing"
5- Sālmarnir
6- Returning Empty Handed
"You brought me here for this
I see nothing but disaster
Here again? This is getting old... This is getting old!!!"
7- Casting Such A Thin Shadow
"Speak up
My ears are growing weary
I can still stand if you lend the hand to brace me"
8- Moving For The Sake Of Motion
"I hate the me that I've become
This needy useless forgetting one"
9- Writing On The Walls
"Maybe we, Why don't we sit right here for half an hour
We'll speak of what a waste I am and how we missed your beat again"
10- Everyone Looks So Good From Here
"I have put myself here
I'm the culprit
I am the culprit
I swear I've slipped right through the cracks in the floor"
11- To Whom It May Concern
"At the end of the road you'll find what you've been longing for
I know cause my feet have the scars to show
I was lost with vague direction and no place to call home
Because in this place, we're all as good as dead
...end cycle...
It's not the end of the road for you"

They're Only Chasing Safety By: Underoath Release date: 2004-06-15

1- Young and Aspiring
"I fear that I am just an end //So you'll play the mistaken and I'll play the victim
In our screenplay of desire // And I'm still writing the letters I'll never send"
2- Boy Brushed Red Living In Black And White
"Can you feel your heart beat racing? // Can you taste the fear in her sweat?
We've done this wrong we're too far gone // These sheets tell of regret
Here is where we both go wrong
In this moment that we both ignore the truth
It's all over
I'm scared, you're scared, we're scared of this?
3- The Impact Of Reason
"Crack a smile just for the sake of it, This could take a while
A long while
Silence is golden especially in this case
No lights No signs I'm at a loss for words"
6- It's Dangerous Business Walking Out Your Front Door
"I've been up at this all night long // I've been drowning in my sleep
My knuckles have turned to white // There's no turning back tonight
So hold on tight"
7- Down, Set, Go
"I had the whole world in my hands // And I gave it away
Cracking a smile and wearing it all on my sleeve
What liars we can be"
8- I Don't Feel Very Receptive Today
"I haven't talked in days // And I'm really not too sure // What I sound like anymore
9- I'm Content With Losing*
"How does it feel to be on the receiving end of this one?
I'm half way there and it's all on me // This is what I get for wanting more
So I walk around with this rope in my hand
So I'll tie it around... and around... and around.
I'll tie me down
In your eyes you were the one that tried
This is the moment that we all live for
Are you ready? Are you ready?"
10- Some Will Seek Forgiveness, Others Escape
"I heard a voice through the discord // A deluge of passerby
I saw one gaze frozen in time // Watching me passing by
I swear I'll know your face in the crowd // And I'll hear your voice so loud
When you're whispering
Here's my kiss to betray // Desperate to touch the lips of grace
Do you feel hollow when you think of how I've lied?
O sweet angel of mercy // With your grace like the morning
Wrap your loving arms around me
Hey unfaithful I will teach you to be stronger
Hey ungrateful I will teach you to forgive one another
Hey unloving I will love you
And Jesus, I'm ready to come home
Hey unfaithful, Hey ungrateful, Hey unloving, I will love you
I will love you"

Son, I Loved You at Your Darkest By: As Cities Burn Release date: 2005-06-21

1- Thus from my lips, by yours, my sin is purged*
"I've got a will, but I want yours. I've got a growing heap of crosses and burdens. I've simply lost heart to shoulder, simply no strength to lift. I've always been a man in need 'cause I keep stepping in and out of the shadow, caught by the drift and pitch of whatever it is that keeps me coming back. I want out 'cause I'm getting sick, sick from all this swerving, Driver, sick from turning on you. Someone show me a hole in this cycle. Show me the way away and I'm coming back the way I came. No! I've seen this place before. Surely this is no place for the light of this world. Oh how sweet the sound! I know it saved, but is it changing a wretch like me? Oh my God, how sweet is the sound! I once was blind but now I just look away. My bride, I don't want to know what I'd be without forgiveness brushing these adulterous lips."
2- Love Jealous One, Love
"This is me at my darkest, looking down from my tower to heaven
Teacher, which of us will be the greatest?
Father, hide our hearts in you lest we steal them back and lay them at the feet of men.
I know now that glory has not a place near my hands, or any man."
3- Incomplete Is A Leech*
"Unless you can part my ribs like the sea and make stone beat, then there's no hope for me. Unless the east never meets the west, unless you set my sin between your shoulderblades and forget. Part my ribs like the sea and change me. 'Cause stone doesn't beat and rock hearts don't pump anything. But I've grown not to mind because at least stone doesn't sling blood, or spill like guts across the floor where the bloodsuckers want more, and more, and more."
5- Terrible! How Terrible For The Great City!
"Am I a monster when I sink my teeth into her when I don't love her?
This is what real men keep quiet:
It doesn't exist if you can hide it behind your teeth and sleep at night
I just feel as empty as the lungs of those waiting in the womb.
Do you feel as empty as the lungs of those waiting to come into this world where being beautiful means being used? How long will we blame the devils on our shoulders, and pose like angels on the outside when all I am is a monster?"
6- The Widow
"My God, what a world you love"
7- Wake Dead Man, Wake*
"Let the dead bury their own dead. Will you still love me in famine, as when love began at the harvest? Or would you gain the whole world? Son, I love you at your darkest. But what good is the whole world when I promise no tomorrow? I only promise your tomorrows will never take you past my palm. Love, what is love without trust? At my word, would you bring your Isaac? Son, I loved you at your darkest."
8- Admission : Regret
"So I hear there's a whole world out there, but I've grown to love this bed to much to leave it
'Cause all I've got is sleep against my fear of being swept away by the wind, the undertow and thought. I keep hearing about this world out there. Come untie me from this bed. Untie me from the wicked things I love. Awake! Awake in the company of men given something to say. Give me a servants heart and a tongue to obey. Awake! Come Wind. Awake! Come thought. Tired head, take up your mat and walk."
9- One : Twenty-Seven
"When will the weak shame the strong
When will we raise our flags past half-mast
I call this brave but how dare I call this love and not bear my cross to the end.
How can I call this love when all that I am is because your love endures my back to it?
Your love endures my back to it."
10- Of Wand And Misery : The Nothing That Kills
"I watched you float away on a wave of want and misery.
I watched you float away on whatever caught your eye.
Now I've got to find you 'cause I've got to keep your head above the water while the current pulls me under. I will hang my life in the space between the noose and your neck.
I won't let you die just yet.
I will love you even when you won't let me and you will kill me by doing nothing.
But I know it's not you, my dear, it's the nothing that kills.
I can't save you; Control is something out of my control
No, I can't save you but I will love you.

With Arrows With Poise By: Myriad Release date: 2008-05-13

9- Throwing Punches
"Is this what you meant by love? // To throw a punch with the comeback kids
You've given me desires // With a catch of hope and faith
Is this what you meant by love? // Crashing cars with the coolest kids
You've given me my one desire even though it's dangerous"
12- Stuck In A Glass Elevator*
"If we run we just might find that // There's a way to get out of this place
If we run we just might find that there's a way, that there's a way... to get out.
And in the end the glass will crumble // In the end it will burst and break
In the end, in the end... we'll get out.
Is it just me or is it getting hotter in this place
Is it just me or is it getting hotter... Let's get out.
Let's get out, Let's get out of this place!

(This is truly a beautiful song and you should really hear it. A very mellow rock piece with a beautiful piano.)

Currently undefined: The Sun And The Moon Complete [2 CD] By: The Bravery Release date: 2008-03-18

"We are liars like the summertime, like the spring we are such fools
Like fall we are false prophets, and like winter we are cruel
And I don't know where we belong // I think we grew under a bad sun
I know we're not like everyone // You and me we grew under a bad sun"

Viva La Vida By: Coldplay Release date: 2008-06-17

1- Cemeteries Of London
"The morning is for sleeping
Save the nighttime for your weeping
We go underneath the arches where the witches all will say
There are ghost towns in the ocean
God is in the houses and God is in my head, and all the cemeteries of London"
3- Lost
"Just because I'm losing, doesn't mean that I'm lost.
You might be a big fish in a little pond, doesn't mean you've won.
Oh, I'm just waiting 'til the shine wears off."
4- 42
"You thought you might be a ghost!
You didn't get to heaven but you made it close."

Seattle Sessions By: Classic Crime Release date: 2007-11-06

Currently Listening: Safety in the Sea By: Sever Your Ties Release date: 2008-07-08

Currently Listening: The Silver Cord By: The Classic Crime Release date: 2008-07-22

Currently Listening: This Is an Outrage! By: Capital Lights Release date: 2008-07-08

Most of these are just quotes, but I've tried to mark the few full songs with an *.
This blog started at 22:56 and finished... posted at 04:35

Music and Space

I came home just after 4 this morning. I had gone to the park to ride my bike, which I haven't done for quite a while. My bike's just been sitting in the back of my car since... Before May.
I didn't get to the park until maybe 1, and then my tires were pretty flat so I had to pump them up, but after that... I rode around the park... For a while.

In the past week or so, I've realized something rather big. Something that... I'm really not so sure I like. Because it just screams of missed opportunities and how much I've messed things up in my life. Not that the mess can't be cleaned, but the mess just kind of adds to the missed opportunities.

So, I've had plenty to think about...
And here's a short poems I wrote before going to the park last night...
I'll tell you about all the music tonight.

In the absence of color
I've been fading
In the absence of color
I've been lost
This is what a heart gets
Embraced by darkness
This is what I gather is the end
Poetic or not
Here it comes
And now begins the hurt

This is justice
Just as I deserve it
All my life
I seem to think that I'm so perfect
Well this is justice
Just as I deserve it
Come what may
God, don't let Love desert us

Here is born
The pain I've come to know
Love is death and silence
On this cold dark night
It's a wonder that we want it at all

Truly an Inconvenient Truth

I'm really up this morning because I just wrote a poem, and I wanted to post it, but I hadn't posted that picture yet, so I had to get that out of the way in order to keep you up to date.

7/20/08 (06:12)
It's rather depressing at times
The realization of some facts
All the evidence points to...
Now this
Is an inconvenient truth

The insanity plea
It's like closing your eyes and claiming you're blind
But then there comes that time
And everything around
Pointing to open eyes
You find yourself alone
It's the wrong place
The wrong time
Should've just spit it out two years ago
Maybe now...
Now it may be far too late
And so again
It's rather depressing
To wake up with open eyes
Look back and clearly see
All the wrong turns you made
Despite all the signs
But you wake up to find a desire
It's been planted there all along
But feared... even shunned
"She flirts with danger,
But takes home the good boy"
And my children will also pray
"Our father made so many mistakes
May we forgive him
And forgive ourselves"

Simple as can be
I woke with a longing to love
But the time to enter in
Will it ever come again?

Oh, be forgiven for my sins...

The Ending Requires Some Telling

I beat the game the other night. Not long after my last blog. I went all the way and got the good ending.
The happy ending.
The moving ending.

In the game, there are 108 characters whom you can recruit to aid you in a war. They are called the 108 stars of destiny. The Suikoden story goes...
You start off in a castle waiting with your father to meet with the emperor. Your father, Teo, is a heroic general who helped the emperor bring peace to the empire seven years prior. You meet with the emperor and your father is needed in the north to defend the border. You enlist in the military, but you're not going with your father.
The next day your Teo leaves, and you get your first assignment - errand work. Your best friend, Ted, a servant who practically raised you, Gremio, and two other servants, Pahn and Cleo, go with you. You visit a lady named Leknaat for star charts, and when she delivers them, she also enigmatically predicts your destiny to you. Your next assignment is to collect taxes from a town and you're followed by a cowardly little officer who is really there to keep an eye on your party. Clearly, the man in charge of the town is keeping the taxes for himself, but blames it on a band of bandits in the nearby mountains. So you hunt down the bandits who attack you simply because you're part of the imperial army, and you're accusing them of stealing taxes, and because the sniveling officer provokes them and then hides behind you.
You capture the bandits and return them to the town where you are reward with a bunch of money that the officer takes from you, but on the way, you're attacked.
It's a big bug, and your party can't defeat it, so Ted says he's going to try something. He uses some magic from a rune which catches the officer's attention.
Finally, when you head back home, the officer asks Ted to join him briefly for the debriefing. Dinner finished, and a storm raging, you wonder where your best friend is when suddenly you hear the door, and you find him injured and unconscious just inside the door. When he wakes up he explains that his rune is a very powerful and cursed rune called the Soul Eater that the emperor's sorceress, Windy, has been hunting for 300 years, and Ted has been running from her for that long.
He apologizer for the burden, but must transfer the rune to you to keep it protected. He passes out again saying that he can finally sleep peacefully.
Pahn had run to report this all in an attempt to keep your name from being soiled and soon after Soldiers arrive at the door and since you try to defend Ted, you have to confront the soldiers. Ted surrenders to them allowing you the chance to escape, since they still think he still has the Soul Eater.
You run out into the rain and go to the inn in town. The soldiers come looking for you and a big man named Victor uses the confrontation to skip out on the bill for his food. He gets you out of the town, and introduces you to Odessa, who is leading a rebellion against the empire which seems to have become corrupt in the seven years since your father had helped unite it.
A man shows up telling this woman about the bandits you guys captured, and you head out to rescue them since it was your fault they were being tortured. Next you head out with Odessa on a mission to deliver some secret blueprints crucial to the rebellion. The whole time it's this constant thing that you can't be helping rebels, and Cleo and Gremio are trying to keep you from helping the rebels so that you can clear your name, but they follow you no matter what you choose. It also keeps becoming more apparent that there are problems with the empire... So...
Upon returning from the mission, the rebel hideout has been raided and Odessa is killed. She gives you her earring asking you to find her brother Mathui (pronounced Matthew, I think). When you find Mathui he joins you and you end up becoming the leader of the rebellion. Thus begins the search to recruit people to help you... Thus, the 108 stars of Destiny. It's not required to recruit them all... But...
Because of the nature of the Soul Eater Rune, it's curse is that it's bearer will suffer greatly because it takes the souls of those closest the the bearer. During the game, you have to fight and kill your father. He dies happy and very proud of you though.
But the other person who the rune takes is Gremio... Who basically raised you while your father was at war when you were little. Well, he's always trying to protect you, and ends up sacrificing himself to save you about halfway through the game. If you collect all the characters by a certain time in the game, Windy's sister, Leknaat -- who really shows up randomly and helps you out the whole game -- but she appears and brings Gremio back to life with the power of all the stars of destiny gathered together.
Anyway, that's how you get the good ending. Which I have the picture of. Gremio has the green cape and blonde hair on the right while you, the hero, have the green bandanna on the left. But at the end of the game, after saving the empire, you sneak off to live a quiet life. If you gathered all the 108 stars, Gremio is alive and goes with you, but if you didn't, you just go by yourself.

All that said...

Greetings Programs ... End Of Line.

Greetings Programs!

So it's been one of those nights... Again... :-)

I had typed this up on my phone a week or so ago... I'm not one hundred percent on when I wrote it... Saturday night... July 5-6. It was definitely after midnight, which would have made it the 6th. Anyway... Here's what I had to say that night before I fell asleep typing on my phone.

I came home and put in a movie (300) and gathered some chips and dip to snack on. I then flop down on the couch and it takes over me.
I'm too tired to move. The chips are inches away, but it seems like miles. I am completely exhausted.

I just finished the movie, and I've enjoyed quite a few chips. I looked up the actor who played the character who was also the narrator. I now must restrain myself from watching Van Helsing (which he was also in, before 300). Well, as it stands, if I watched Van Helsing, that would lead to a desire to watch Underworld. Which would lead to Underworld Revolution...
I still want to watch Spiderman 3 as well.

END

So tonight... I have more to tell you. I suppose it may be best to say I'm too lazy to try to offer my computer the patience it requires in order for me to get online and blog, so I'm simply texting my blog from my phone.
It seems to be the was I do everything lately. Email, MySpace, FaceBook... I even look stuff up, like that actor from 300.
The downside is that typing on the phone is slow. So I tend to fall asleep while doing it. Generally, I'm laying on the couch in the dark, so it's really quite simple to sleep.

Today I was thinking.
We've lost so much.
I don't remember much from when I was young. I don't know why, but I seem to have blocked out and forgotten many of my memories. Maybe I just have a bad memory and there wasn't much there that I deemed worthy of remembering.
Whatever the reason, I don't remember much.
Anyway, that's going too deep into what I thought. What I really thought of, was children.

We've lost so much since childhood. Kids run out wearing clothes that are too small, and strange colors that would never match, even in the most bizarre sci-fi movie. They don't fill there hair with gunk to keep it looking the same all day long. They don't worry that their hair's blowing in the wind and a complete mess.
I showered today, and didn't do anything with my hair afterward. I like it all soft and fluffy. I didn't dress up fancy when I went to school... Sandals and jeans... My Hawk Nelson is my friend shirt. I had no statement to make. Last week when I went to class I didn't even bother with jeans. I wore those warm up pants... That wind breaker stuff that goes "swish" all the time when you're walking, or just moving. But that was last week... Thursday.
To continue with today, I ate a honey-nut and banana sandwich. The bread is a little stale so I toasted it. The banana was brown and mushy and brown, but not bad on a sandwich looking to satisfy someone who's just trying to fuel the tank.
I really want a hotdog... Cooked on an actual grill, over a flame. I bought some tonight. I've wanted some more hotdogs since I finished the leftovers from my birthday. So I finally got some. Now I just need to go cook 'em on the grill. I tried the microwave tonight... It's okay, but not good enough.

I've had so much on my mind lately. So much that I want to say, but I don't want to write it. I want to speak. Like a narrative. I want to just speak out. I don't want people to be able to interrupt, or inject their comments or opinions. Perhaps if I could record something and post an audio or video blog... I've heard about the video blogs. But how do you do one of those? Especially when you hardly ever get on a computer. I go on my computer about once or twice a month now... Mainly to get bills paid. My computer starts overheating or something before too long. It starts freezing. The only thing I can guess is heat.
I think I want to go into computers. I just finished watching Tron. :-) Really enjoyable movie.
But's as far as school goes, I think I'll focus myself toward computers for now. I also want to get back into playing the piano and learning more music theory. I want a keyboard too.
I wrote a short... I guess it could be called a verse to a song or something. It's about a minute long. I wrote it and recorded myself singing it a couple hours ago. I also have one I did a few weeks back. I'd like to write music.
I truly no longer have much of a desire to write poetry if I'm writing it without a tune. I want to express myself. I want to get it out. I'm probably not a great singer, but I don't care. It's what I desire. I want to break myself out of this prison.

Well, the sun's coming up again.
I have a strange desire to listen to KJ-52 (it's pronounced "five two" after a small boy offering all he had to Jesus, as in five loaves and two 'fishes') He's very good. You should check him out. Think of Eminem, but mixed with a message of love, silliness, cartoons and a bright outlook on life rather than anger and hate. He wrote two songs... Letters... to Eminem - Dear Slim and Dear Slim (part 2)

Well, I've listened to the songs I wanted to hear... Those two, Cartoon Network, and a bonus track called Gimme Dat which is a silly song about Mountain Dew anonymous and being addicted to Mountain Dew.

I've been working on a video game the past couple days. I'm going to go finish it now. It's an old game, but one of my favorites. It's called Suikoden. The second one is the best, but I think the series is up to 5 now. Roman numeral V. I only have up to III. I'd like to try out the others though.
Anyway. I love you guys. Sorry I disappeared.
Just... Some crazy things...
I've only told a couple of you, but my Dad had a heart attack the last Thursday of June. It could've been really bad, but they took care of him so fast... They really did save his life. Anyway, he's doing really well. At least... I'm pretty sure he is. I'm not sure if he's dying of boredom yet, not being allowed to work and all... So he's still tinkering with stuff around the house. Just nothing strenuous. Simple stuff like mounting pictures and stuff. Changing lawn mower belts. Reading about stuff on his computer. I don't even think he's using his tractor or anything... But anyway, he's okay.

I love you guys. All of you. And I hope to see you soon.

Matthew Shane

End of line

Definitely, Maybe

I found these entertaining and felt like sharing:

Dictionary.com- Word of the Day:
forlorn: sad and lonely because deserted, abandoned, or lost.

QuotationsPage.com- Quotes of the Day:
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
- Aldous Huxley

... and on to my blog.

I just finished watching a movie... yes, at 04:45 in the morning. It was a wonderful movie. The perfect amount of political fun poking without being offensive or supportive to either party. The perfect amount of ramance for a single 22 year old to watch by himself without falling into a depression about being alone. I couldn't think of a better actor to have played the part, and the wonderful thing about that... I HATE this actor... :-) but he's finally learning how to act. The mature role suites him very well. The only other movie I liked him in was so wrong and dirty and foul that it just suited his immaturity, but he really shows some growth in this one.

But anyway, I loved this movie. I suppose perhaps I should mention the title... Would you like to know?
Well, I might tell you... Definitely, maybe
Definitely, Maybe...

It was a wonderful comedy romance, and I will probably live that life... 11 year old daughter... three gorgeous women that I'm trapped without... One who loves someone else, one who loves herself (or more... Loves me when it suits her, which is clearly not forever), and one who is always "in love" with someone else at the moments that I realize how much I truly love her. Although the story seems rather predictable, you'll be surprised.
The story goes... It starts off with him getting served divorce papers at work. He then tells of a perfect song (Everyday People), which he listens to as he walks the streets of New York to pick up his daughter from school (I believe she's about 10 or 11). Well, turns out there's a mob of upset parents at the school because they had "sex ed" that day without the parents knowing... (I would've been pissed too).
Surrounded by children screaming at their mothers "Do you still have sex with Daddy? You do don't you? I hate you! I hate you!" he finds his daughter who immediately says "We need to talk." On the walk home she's explaining what was said, and when they get to their building, he has to ask her to stop saying "penis" and "thrusting" at which point she decides to yell out penis several times just to see the reactions. :-) (always a fun game).
Well, she pesters him all night to tell her about why him and her mother were in love. Finally... getting tucked in for bed, he turns off the lights and she hooks him. So there's where the story starts.
I still might name the movie for you... Maybe... Definitely, maybe... and then... maybe not.

Before watching that, I watched "Be Kind Rewind" with Jack Black and Mos Def. Excellent movie as well. Very funny. Very moving. And one of the most wonderful things about it is that it isn't necessarily a true story, but the events by which they made the film... The true events behind the making the movie closely resemble what was going on in the movie. It is VERY much worth watching.

I cooked chicken tonight. Chicken and rice (cooked separately, but eaten together). I was halfway through cooking when I decided, "Oh my!!! I think I'll throw in some pineapple." And so I did. I tossed in some chunks of pineapple. Both with the chicken and the rice. I'd never done that before, or seen it done (I've seen chicken and rice come out with pineapple, but I've never seen how it was cooked).
I enjoyed it thoroughly.

PS. I love having a giant dictionary nearby. :-) Just in case I'm not sure how to spell something. I always thought that it was stupid to look up a word in the dictionary to check the spelling. Don't you need to have a general idea of how to spell the word to be able to look it up? Well, I suppose I'm just that smart!

Yesterday--which I'm still trying to call today, since I haven't gone to sleep yet-- but yesterday I spoke with a man about a job. He handed me a 21 page application packet, on the front of which reads in big bold letters: Non-Career Hiring Package.
The best part about that is the understanding for their employees. It's a job where I'd be on call... whatever day someone decided to call in. The nice thing about that is that I'd get a call into work every morning, giving me about an hour's notice that I'll be working. But at least they call me. :-)
But if one day... say... I happen to be working my other job, or in school...
They simply call me back and tell me they don't need me anymore. At all.

Go figure. :-)
And you know, it makes sense. It's a job working for the government. And we know how it's their way or the highway. The word revolves around them. :-)
They expect that their self-titled "Non-Career" job better be your no. 1 priority.
Well, I'm going to be applying to be a Temporary Relief Carrier for the Grand Ridge Post Office. Grand Ridge isn't too far from Marianna, and Marianna didn't have any more need for Temp carriers (which I've been wanting to do for a while). It's a "foot in the door" type of job.
Prove that you'll let them run your life, and they'll give you a real job. :-)

Well, my back was REALLY hurting last night... I could hardly walk or move... so I slept on the floor. I felt better today (yesterday), but just to be safe, I'm headed back to the floor. :-)

Talk to you all later!
With Love, Goodnight (day)
Matthew Shane!

Just Finished: Definitely, Maybe (Widescreen) Release date: 2008-06-24

Miserable and Plenty To Say

Miserable

You have everything you need
you could part the open seas
I would peel off all my skin to keep you warm at night.

Blood is running through my eyes
and mixed with tears that you've inspired
While out drinking with your friends
a boy's been robbed of life

And do you ever think of losing sleep?
Well I know you will
I know you will
and have you ever dreamed of facing me?
Well I know you will
I know you will
and I'll finally say,
"you're miserable"

{lyrics by Brooks Paschal for Surprises}

I'll Have Plenty To Say When You're Dead

You told me I'd amount to nothing
like drunkards in your lake front town
That you would always support me
like orphans at the lost and found
but now that I am finally found

I'm standing up for myself now darling
I'm breaking off and it hurts like hell
I'll have plenty to say when you're dead
cause I can't help myself.

I dream of making doctor's appointments
where I can steal the nurse's meds
So you can make a quick recovery
from all the shit that I've been fed
and I would never leave my bed

I'm standing up for myself now darling
I'm breaking off and it hurts like hell
I'll have plenty to say when you're dead
cause I can't help myself
No, I can't help myself.

It never should have gone this far
but if it did I let you down.

I'm standing up for myself now darling
I'm breaking off cause it hurts like hell
but I'll have plenty to say when you're dead
cause I can't help myself.
I'm standing up for myself now darling
I'm breaking off and it hurts like hell
I'll have plenty to say when you're dead
cause I can't help my...
I'm standing up for myself now darling
I'm breaking off and it hurts like hell
I'll have plenty to say when you're dead
cause I can't help myself
No, I can't help myself.

No, I can't help myself.

{lyrics by Brooks Paschal for Surprises}

I think I'm officially a stripper, And I can't say I dislike it

"We have put our hope in the living God, who is the Savior of all men, and especially of those who believe. Command and teach these things. Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity."
~~I Timothy 4: 12(ish)~~


So, I've been listening to the two Sullivan cds the past couple days.
Quite enjoying it.
Sad that they broke up.
But I've been seeing a pattern in life... Heathe Ledger, Dead Poetic, Sullivan, Cassie Bernall...
Death it striking early...

Today- well, yesterday- was my first day on outside of training at Waffle House. It's still only my fourth day though. I trained two days, and one day I washed dishes. So I'm still trying to learn a lot, but at least it was really slow.
I made 35 dollars. Well, $37.45... 30 ones, 1 five, and some change...

Well, I got online about four hours ago, planning on posting this. And I spent four hours clearing out emails, reading blogs, downloading some music... that type of stuff, and finally I'm getting to this blog.

Has anyone else's computer recently installed some updates and insist that it needs to restart now, but continue to pester you as you keep telling it that you'll do it later? I mean... it gives you the option of later... so stop asking, right? I only turn my computer on like once a week anyway... so... It will restart/shut down soon enough... let me finish what I'm working on!

I was playing Guitar Hero III yesterday, and rocking out, and I was just loving it!
I was jumping around my living room. I had to move the couch... (one of them...) because I needed more room. And I was singing and mashing buttons... (simultaneously when I could...)
I rock!!! I'm telling you.

But, So, Anyway...
(The ultimate transition... to be used when implying, "Change the subject, NOW!!!")

I was wanting to post this blog to say this:
I've been disappointed recently.
It struck me today (after I've recovered... of course). I have been frustrated not knowing who is going to make it to my birthday party. I found myself wanting to just call it off.
If no one cares to come, or has the time... I'll just not bother putting any energy into it.

This has been my thinking.
I've been thinking the same about this blog...
My poetry...
My heart... (but, not so much...)

I recently read, by C.S. Lewis, The Great Divorce. I LOVED it. Toward the end (I believe) there is an artist who turns down going to heaven because he wants to paint for recognition, rather than just paint for the love of painting.

This keeps coming to mind.

I've been thinking lately that if no one wants to read my blog, or poetry... why should I bother? If no one wants to come to a friendly gathering (which just happens to be around my birthday)... why should I bother? My heart... I lay it out for you, but no one has time anymore

But at least I've found something recently... I've found home. I've found that place where I've opened my heart to the Lord.
So I don't feel entirely wasted.
But I still... I don't write much anymore... I'm overflowing with ideas, but... God knows them all... so what's the point in my writing them out? No one seems to care to read them anymore.

I hate being depressed! What can I do about it though? I just smile and walk on. I have nothing else... Isn't it terrible that I have friends, whom I love to death, but I don' t like hanging out with? I feel alienated and alone with them... I feel like... I feel I'm not free to be myself with them. Especially because I can't tell them about how I feel.
I love them so much... but... How do you make it make sense?
"I love you, but I just don't want to be around you..."

I asked to meet with the pastor of the church recently... Mainly because I want to do something. I want to praise God, but I'm not sure where to start, anymore. After about a week the youth pastor called me and told me that Pastor was busy, and Pastor had asked if the youth pastor would speak with me because he knew me better.
I tried to not let it get to me... but I honestly expected it. Before Pastor David had even called me (and I don't mind talking to him). I was hopeful at first, but then I began to think... did they forget about me? Is Pastor too busy for me? Is my search for advice on seeking Christ less important than building a bigger church?

I hate to let these things bother me. And I try not to let them. Recently I've been doing so well...

But...
I mean... Who's going to bother reading all this anyway.
I write this here... I write as if I was writing an email to a friend. Only, I'm writing an email to multiple friends... only problem is, it's not getting to anyone.
I write a blog to contact all of you at once. An update on my life. Just for you.
I ask questions... but they remain unanswered... Because no one is getting them.
So perhaps I will forward this message to you... The ones I really want to read it.

We all have so little time these days...
Why do we even bother with friends? I hardly ever see any... because I always have to GO see them... who ever comes to see me? I'm always here...
Austin is coming... Josiah is coming...

I Timothy 4:12 has been my favorite Bible verse for a long time. I just opened my Bible last night, and ended up at I Tim. 1, so I read chapter 1. Tonight when starting this, I wanted to say something from what I read, but looking back, no simple verse spoke to me, so I jumped a couple chapters to 4:12. And when I wrote it, and I was writing this blog, they didn't seem to fit together, but now I'm starting to see something.

I'm not being looked down on... I'm simply being overlooked... So many things to get done, who has time to bother with...

I HATE FEELING THIS WAY!!!!!

But this is what I was posting this blog about.

I noticed this. That I had been discouraged. I hit a bump... I've been walking so... It hasn't been great, but I've been able to hurdle every hurdle, I've been able to stand up after being knocked down by a wave, and I smiled. But I'm finally finding that I'm tired of it...

I'm tired of it being a "nice day" for an umbrella!
Who the... Who carries an umbrella on a nice day??? (excluding Florida weather where it rains on nice days...)

Well, anyway... Back to smiling.
I have something to do... somewhere to go... a life to live, and I can't sit here crying about it...
But aren't we allowed to do that from time to time?
I once told someone I wanted to throw a birthday party, but I felt selfish... She told me "it's your birthday, you're ALLOWED to be selfish."
But does that apply in every part of our lives? Is it selfish of me to say "hey, you've been too busy with your life, would you mind sparing a moment? I'm feeling very ignored!" Is that so selfish to say every once in a while?

Is it really so bad to let me tell a story about my life every once in a while? Or should I just sit, silently listening to every one for all of my life? Why do I feel neglected? Why do I feel overlooked? Is that selfish of me?

I had a friend who created a MySpace account for close friends ONLY, and then deleted her old account. She then deleted the new account. Then she created another new one just the other day, and invited me to be her friend... I considered denying her... but I accepted, and sure enough... within a day, she's deleted the account.

I'm SICK of Drama!!! It's not her, it's everywhere. It's... I refuse to put up with it. REFUSE!!!
I'm done with it!
I had enough drama in the first month of this year to last me a lifetime.

Am I a bad, and lazy friend because I post one blog and see it as a letter to all of you?
Am I asking too much that you take a moment to read my useless ramblings?
Yes, this one takes more than a moment, but... I have something to say.
LISTEN TO ME!!!!???
Should I write all of you individually? Would that make me less lazy? Would that make me a better friend?
I don't have time to write a long letter like this to all of you individually. I'm sorry, I hardly ever get on the computer. So you know what I do? I type up little messages on my phone, and post them here to my blog. Just little updates for you to know what's going on.
I sometimes include pictures.

I take the time to read your blogs when I get online... it took me 4 hours to get to even writing my blog because I was catching up on emails and blogs...

I'm going now... It's unlikely many, if any of you will reach this point without skipping some section of this...
Except for perhaps those of you that I email it to specifically...

Sincerely
Matthew.

Well, I was...

Currently watching: Cutthroat Island Release date: 2007-05-22

But now I'm...

Currently listening to: Fall and Winter By: Jon Foreman Release date: 2008-01-15

Which is responsible for the increasingly depressing and questioning tone of this blog... I hope Spring and Summer are more.... less depressing?.... So now I'm back to...

Currently listening to: With Arrows With Poise By: The Myriad Release date: 2008-05-13