Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Definitely, Maybe

I found these entertaining and felt like sharing:

Dictionary.com- Word of the Day:
forlorn: sad and lonely because deserted, abandoned, or lost.

QuotationsPage.com- Quotes of the Day:
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
- Aldous Huxley

... and on to my blog.

I just finished watching a movie... yes, at 04:45 in the morning. It was a wonderful movie. The perfect amount of political fun poking without being offensive or supportive to either party. The perfect amount of ramance for a single 22 year old to watch by himself without falling into a depression about being alone. I couldn't think of a better actor to have played the part, and the wonderful thing about that... I HATE this actor... :-) but he's finally learning how to act. The mature role suites him very well. The only other movie I liked him in was so wrong and dirty and foul that it just suited his immaturity, but he really shows some growth in this one.

But anyway, I loved this movie. I suppose perhaps I should mention the title... Would you like to know?
Well, I might tell you... Definitely, maybe
Definitely, Maybe...

It was a wonderful comedy romance, and I will probably live that life... 11 year old daughter... three gorgeous women that I'm trapped without... One who loves someone else, one who loves herself (or more... Loves me when it suits her, which is clearly not forever), and one who is always "in love" with someone else at the moments that I realize how much I truly love her. Although the story seems rather predictable, you'll be surprised.
The story goes... It starts off with him getting served divorce papers at work. He then tells of a perfect song (Everyday People), which he listens to as he walks the streets of New York to pick up his daughter from school (I believe she's about 10 or 11). Well, turns out there's a mob of upset parents at the school because they had "sex ed" that day without the parents knowing... (I would've been pissed too).
Surrounded by children screaming at their mothers "Do you still have sex with Daddy? You do don't you? I hate you! I hate you!" he finds his daughter who immediately says "We need to talk." On the walk home she's explaining what was said, and when they get to their building, he has to ask her to stop saying "penis" and "thrusting" at which point she decides to yell out penis several times just to see the reactions. :-) (always a fun game).
Well, she pesters him all night to tell her about why him and her mother were in love. Finally... getting tucked in for bed, he turns off the lights and she hooks him. So there's where the story starts.
I still might name the movie for you... Maybe... Definitely, maybe... and then... maybe not.

Before watching that, I watched "Be Kind Rewind" with Jack Black and Mos Def. Excellent movie as well. Very funny. Very moving. And one of the most wonderful things about it is that it isn't necessarily a true story, but the events by which they made the film... The true events behind the making the movie closely resemble what was going on in the movie. It is VERY much worth watching.

I cooked chicken tonight. Chicken and rice (cooked separately, but eaten together). I was halfway through cooking when I decided, "Oh my!!! I think I'll throw in some pineapple." And so I did. I tossed in some chunks of pineapple. Both with the chicken and the rice. I'd never done that before, or seen it done (I've seen chicken and rice come out with pineapple, but I've never seen how it was cooked).
I enjoyed it thoroughly.

PS. I love having a giant dictionary nearby. :-) Just in case I'm not sure how to spell something. I always thought that it was stupid to look up a word in the dictionary to check the spelling. Don't you need to have a general idea of how to spell the word to be able to look it up? Well, I suppose I'm just that smart!

Yesterday--which I'm still trying to call today, since I haven't gone to sleep yet-- but yesterday I spoke with a man about a job. He handed me a 21 page application packet, on the front of which reads in big bold letters: Non-Career Hiring Package.
The best part about that is the understanding for their employees. It's a job where I'd be on call... whatever day someone decided to call in. The nice thing about that is that I'd get a call into work every morning, giving me about an hour's notice that I'll be working. But at least they call me. :-)
But if one day... say... I happen to be working my other job, or in school...
They simply call me back and tell me they don't need me anymore. At all.

Go figure. :-)
And you know, it makes sense. It's a job working for the government. And we know how it's their way or the highway. The word revolves around them. :-)
They expect that their self-titled "Non-Career" job better be your no. 1 priority.
Well, I'm going to be applying to be a Temporary Relief Carrier for the Grand Ridge Post Office. Grand Ridge isn't too far from Marianna, and Marianna didn't have any more need for Temp carriers (which I've been wanting to do for a while). It's a "foot in the door" type of job.
Prove that you'll let them run your life, and they'll give you a real job. :-)

Well, my back was REALLY hurting last night... I could hardly walk or move... so I slept on the floor. I felt better today (yesterday), but just to be safe, I'm headed back to the floor. :-)

Talk to you all later!
With Love, Goodnight (day)
Matthew Shane!

Just Finished:
Definitely, Maybe (Widescreen)
Release date: 2008-06-24

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Miserable and Plenty To Say

Miserable

You have everything you need
you could part the open seas
I would peel off all my skin to keep you warm at night.

Blood is running through my eyes
and mixed with tears that you've inspired
While out drinking with your friends
a boy's been robbed of life

And do you ever think of losing sleep?
Well I know you will
I know you will
and have you ever dreamed of facing me?
Well I know you will
I know you will
and I'll finally say,
"you're miserable"

{lyrics by Brooks Paschal for Surprises}

I'll Have Plenty To Say When You're Dead

You told me I'd amount to nothing
like drunkards in your lake front town
That you would always support me
like orphans at the lost and found
but now that I am finally found

I'm standing up for myself now darling
I'm breaking off and it hurts like hell
I'll have plenty to say when you're dead
cause I can't help myself.

I dream of making doctor's appointments
where I can steal the nurse's meds
So you can make a quick recovery
from all the shit that I've been fed
and I would never leave my bed

I'm standing up for myself now darling
I'm breaking off and it hurts like hell
I'll have plenty to say when you're dead
cause I can't help myself
No, I can't help myself.

It never should have gone this far
but if it did I let you down.

I'm standing up for myself now darling
I'm breaking off cause it hurts like hell
but I'll have plenty to say when you're dead
cause I can't help myself.
I'm standing up for myself now darling
I'm breaking off and it hurts like hell
I'll have plenty to say when you're dead
cause I can't help my...
I'm standing up for myself now darling
I'm breaking off and it hurts like hell
I'll have plenty to say when you're dead
cause I can't help myself
No, I can't help myself.

No, I can't help myself.

{lyrics by Brooks Paschal for Surprises}

I think I'm officially a stripper, And I can't say I dislike it

"We have put our hope in the living God, who is the Savior of all men, and especially of those who believe. Command and teach these things. Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity."
~~I Timothy 4: 12(ish)~~


So, I've been listening to the two Sullivan cds the past couple days.
Quite enjoying it.
Sad that they broke up.
But I've been seeing a pattern in life... Heathe Ledger, Dead Poetic, Sullivan, Cassie Bernall...
Death it striking early...

Today- well, yesterday- was my first day on outside of training at Waffle House. It's still only my fourth day though. I trained two days, and one day I washed dishes. So I'm still trying to learn a lot, but at least it was really slow.
I made 35 dollars. Well, $37.45... 30 ones, 1 five, and some change...

Well, I got online about four hours ago, planning on posting this. And I spent four hours clearing out emails, reading blogs, downloading some music... that type of stuff, and finally I'm getting to this blog.

Has anyone else's computer recently installed some updates and insist that it needs to restart now, but continue to pester you as you keep telling it that you'll do it later? I mean... it gives you the option of later... so stop asking, right? I only turn my computer on like once a week anyway... so... It will restart/shut down soon enough... let me finish what I'm working on!

I was playing Guitar Hero III yesterday, and rocking out, and I was just loving it!
I was jumping around my living room. I had to move the couch... (one of them...) because I needed more room. And I was singing and mashing buttons... (simultaneously when I could...)
I rock!!! I'm telling you.

But, So, Anyway...
(The ultimate transition... to be used when implying, "Change the subject, NOW!!!")

I was wanting to post this blog to say this:
I've been disappointed recently.
It struck me today (after I've recovered... of course). I have been frustrated not knowing who is going to make it to my birthday party. I found myself wanting to just call it off.
If no one cares to come, or has the time... I'll just not bother putting any energy into it.

This has been my thinking.
I've been thinking the same about this blog...
My poetry...
My heart... (but, not so much...)

I recently read, by C.S. Lewis, The Great Divorce. I LOVED it. Toward the end (I believe) there is an artist who turns down going to heaven because he wants to paint for recognition, rather than just paint for the love of painting.

This keeps coming to mind.

I've been thinking lately that if no one wants to read my blog, or poetry... why should I bother? If no one wants to come to a friendly gathering (which just happens to be around my birthday)... why should I bother? My heart... I lay it out for you, but no one has time anymore

But at least I've found something recently... I've found home. I've found that place where I've opened my heart to the Lord.
So I don't feel entirely wasted.
But I still... I don't write much anymore... I'm overflowing with ideas, but... God knows them all... so what's the point in my writing them out? No one seems to care to read them anymore.

I hate being depressed! What can I do about it though? I just smile and walk on. I have nothing else... Isn't it terrible that I have friends, whom I love to death, but I don' t like hanging out with? I feel alienated and alone with them... I feel like... I feel I'm not free to be myself with them. Especially because I can't tell them about how I feel.
I love them so much... but... How do you make it make sense?
"I love you, but I just don't want to be around you..."

I asked to meet with the pastor of the church recently... Mainly because I want to do something. I want to praise God, but I'm not sure where to start, anymore. After about a week the youth pastor called me and told me that Pastor was busy, and Pastor had asked if the youth pastor would speak with me because he knew me better.
I tried to not let it get to me... but I honestly expected it. Before Pastor David had even called me (and I don't mind talking to him). I was hopeful at first, but then I began to think... did they forget about me? Is Pastor too busy for me? Is my search for advice on seeking Christ less important than building a bigger church?

I hate to let these things bother me. And I try not to let them. Recently I've been doing so well...

But...
I mean... Who's going to bother reading all this anyway.
I write this here... I write as if I was writing an email to a friend. Only, I'm writing an email to multiple friends... only problem is, it's not getting to anyone.
I write a blog to contact all of you at once. An update on my life. Just for you.
I ask questions... but they remain unanswered... Because no one is getting them.
So perhaps I will forward this message to you... The ones I really want to read it.

We all have so little time these days...
Why do we even bother with friends? I hardly ever see any... because I always have to GO see them... who ever comes to see me? I'm always here...
Austin is coming... Josiah is coming...

I Timothy 4:12 has been my favorite Bible verse for a long time. I just opened my Bible last night, and ended up at I Tim. 1, so I read chapter 1. Tonight when starting this, I wanted to say something from what I read, but looking back, no simple verse spoke to me, so I jumped a couple chapters to 4:12. And when I wrote it, and I was writing this blog, they didn't seem to fit together, but now I'm starting to see something.

I'm not being looked down on... I'm simply being overlooked... So many things to get done, who has time to bother with...

I HATE FEELING THIS WAY!!!!!

But this is what I was posting this blog about.

I noticed this. That I had been discouraged. I hit a bump... I've been walking so... It hasn't been great, but I've been able to hurdle every hurdle, I've been able to stand up after being knocked down by a wave, and I smiled. But I'm finally finding that I'm tired of it...

I'm tired of it being a "nice day" for an umbrella!
Who the... Who carries an umbrella on a nice day??? (excluding Florida weather where it rains on nice days...)

Well, anyway... Back to smiling.
I have something to do... somewhere to go... a life to live, and I can't sit here crying about it...
But aren't we allowed to do that from time to time?
I once told someone I wanted to throw a birthday party, but I felt selfish... She told me "it's your birthday, you're ALLOWED to be selfish."
But does that apply in every part of our lives? Is it selfish of me to say "hey, you've been too busy with your life, would you mind sparing a moment? I'm feeling very ignored!" Is that so selfish to say every once in a while?

Is it really so bad to let me tell a story about my life every once in a while? Or should I just sit, silently listening to every one for all of my life? Why do I feel neglected? Why do I feel overlooked? Is that selfish of me?

I had a friend who created a MySpace account for close friends ONLY, and then deleted her old account. She then deleted the new account. Then she created another new one just the other day, and invited me to be her friend... I considered denying her... but I accepted, and sure enough... within a day, she's deleted the account.

I'm SICK of Drama!!! It's not her, it's everywhere. It's... I refuse to put up with it. REFUSE!!!
I'm done with it!
I had enough drama in the first month of this year to last me a lifetime.

Am I a bad, and lazy friend because I post one blog and see it as a letter to all of you?
Am I asking too much that you take a moment to read my useless ramblings?
Yes, this one takes more than a moment, but... I have something to say.
LISTEN TO ME!!!!???
Should I write all of you individually? Would that make me less lazy? Would that make me a better friend?
I don't have time to write a long letter like this to all of you individually. I'm sorry, I hardly ever get on the computer. So you know what I do? I type up little messages on my phone, and post them here to my blog. Just little updates for you to know what's going on.
I sometimes include pictures.

I take the time to read your blogs when I get online... it took me 4 hours to get to even writing my blog because I was catching up on emails and blogs...

I'm going now... It's unlikely many, if any of you will reach this point without skipping some section of this...
Except for perhaps those of you that I email it to specifically...

Sincerely
Matthew.

Well, I was...
Currently watching:
Cutthroat Island
Release date: 2007-05-22
But now I'm...
Currently listening to:
Fall and Winter
By: Jon Foreman
Release date: 2008-01-15
Which is responsible for the increasingly depressing and questioning tone of this blog... I hope Spring and Summer are more.... less depressing?.... So now I'm back to...
Currently listening to:
With Arrows With Poise
By: The Myriad
Release date: 2008-05-13

Monday, June 9, 2008

The "Little" Things

So here are just several little things I've been thinking about.
I've wanted to blog each, but I don't like posting a bunch of small pointless blogs. So here I'll post one medium sized, slightly pointless blog.

First... I keep thinking...

My friend Lauren is getting Married... I was so surprised!!! I'm happy for her. It's just funny thinking that we're old enough for that... I mean, I've dreamed of being married for as long as I can remember. But now it's getting to the point where my friends are actually getting married... It's just a shock. My friend Amanda is in a steady going relationship... I'm happy for her too.
I thought I had that relationship. The serious one that was leading to marriage... I keep wondering if Melanie's okay. I keep thinking of when we met, and when we dated... When I sit and think about it, she really did hurt me. Usually, I just kind of laugh it off... it's been so long ago, truly. I think it's like hitting your funny bone.
So I guess my heart has a funny bone too...

I keep thinking of clever little one liners for poems, or just a couple lines, but I haven't really written too many full poems lately.

Sometimes... Well... Anyway. I'm thinking lately, that... Well, I don't want to be single, but the people I'm interested in are either... Well, there's one girl, but she's in a relationship... So I won't even go there... I've been that stupid before, and I'm not doing it again. Then there's another girl... She's... well... I suppose there's nothing wrong with being attracted to her, but I just... Maybe I... You know how you just have that feeling that if you wait, something will pass by? Well, I just feel like I don't know her all that well, and it seems she still has some growing up to do (but then, don't we all?). It's weird being interested in someone younger than you are. I feel... I mean, she's 4(ish) years younger than me... but still, I feel awkward about that. I don't know... And then... Well, you'd figure a church would be a great place to meet a girl, well... I think-- not so much! Sure, they're all nice and fun and beautiful. But there are... I don't know how to put it. I mean I'm at church for God... If a girl there catches my eye... is that bad??? How does that work? {I think of mewithoutYou-- "(Besides, how else could I confess? When I looked down like if to pray, well I was looking down her dress...) Good God, Please! Catch for us the foxes in the vineyard"} Not that that's what I'm doing... but I still feel like there's something wrong about meeting a girl in church... Like... "Catch for us the foxes... that ruin our vineyards... our vineyards that are in bloom." I'm there for God. So if something just happens... it happens, but I shouldn't be looking for it, or trying to help it along... right?
There seem to be so many unwritten rules... but maybe these rules I keep thinking aren't really there... I don't know. Do you?

I'm really glad to be getting back to church. I'd really hate to mess it up by... messing up again (mutter: "stupid melanie"). I like having God as my focus.

WOMEN!!!! (who needs 'em?)

Well... I guess the last thing I've been thinking about is this party...
I guess all I can say is I hope people come. I guess it's rather selfish of me to think "What if these people come, but not those?" To prefer some people being there over others...???
But isn't that natural... Wanting your closest friends to be there, but kind of worrying that it will just be a bunch of people you don't really know too well...
Ehh... I'm not going to worry about it.

That's what I've been telling myself. Each time I wanted to post one of these blogs... I'm not going to worry about it.

I did write something this morning. It's not really what I wrote that mattered, but what I was thinking.
Because I was thinking: I've been writing poetry for a while... nearly six years now, I guess. Well, what have I really been though in those six years? Up until just recently, I haven't really known any real pain, have I? But after being hit by the pain, all my views and writings changed. I'm not so depressed about things now... I'm always smiling. I don't let myself get depressed now... or at least I try not to. But why?
What's so different from now and then?
Why is it that now that I've felt pain that I can't write about it?

That's all.

Matthew Shane E.

Currently undefined:
With Arrows With Poise
By: Myriad
Release date: 2008-05-13

Coming Along (the party update)

I just wanted to let everyone know...
I've been working my tail off cleaning for this party on the 19 and 20, so you'd better come!!! With that said... I have a few updates.

Starting with times... You can show up any time you'd like. I'm actually hoping Austin will make it on Wednesday night (18th). Hopefully some others among you will be willing to spend the night as well. As you can see, I have plenty of couches, two of which fold out into beds. I have lots of blankets, and if you'd like to stay up all night, I don't mind that either. I have two other bedrooms, one bed other than my own. And I will sleep on the floor if enough people come out and spend the night, but I'm thinking that's unlikely... (I hope I'm in for a good surprise though).

Next... The morning of the 20th. I want to make waffles. Not because I work at Waffle House, but because I have a waffle maker that I never get to use. So be there for that!!!

Smashball... Well... We'll carpool to Graceville. It will rock. That's about all I can predict for that... This is a great game for both guys and girls. You don't have to be extremely athletic to enjoy it. You'll love it. That's all I can promise. :-)

And finally... A new addition to the party... I've decided to end day 2 at Meet Me At Luigi's. A dinner and a show fund raiser for Ignite, the youth group of the church I go to.

I'm going to see if I can borrow my sister's tv for a day, just to have a bigger tv, but if not, no problem, mine will do fine.
Also, the pool at her house is up, so bring you swim suits.

So... That's about it for now... I really need to get to sleep now.
Feel free to contact me for directions. I live on Larkspur Circle, Marianna, FL, 32446. It's the first house on the left. Very VERY easy to find. :-)

Please, please, PLEASE come!!! Even if you can't stay long, just come to say hi. I'll be happy. I really have been working really hard to clean and organize and prepare for this, so please come. I'm doing this for all of you, so I really hope you'll come. I still have more work to do, but I'll be ready, and we'll have a blast! I promise! :-)

Matthew Shane E.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

A Quick re-Organization

So... I know this is rather unbelievable, but I was fired Saturday morning.

:-)
Isn't that great?!?!?!

I don't know if my alarm went off or not, but I accidentally slept in and was about an hour late for work. So... To everyone's great disappointment, I was fired.
No biggie... I was hired today. :-)

It's a long story to try to explain, and my computer is starting to freak out... I can only run it for so long before it starts freezing every few seconds... :-(

But I'll try.
I feel like God was opening a door for me.

I had been asking for night shifts... I wasn't getting many of them... I had been asking for Sunday mornings off... I wasn't getting it...
The job was good enough. I was content. But now I see that that was my problem. I was only content. I needed to get moving on something bigger, and I wasn't doing it.
So... Now I've got that start of motion.

Waffle House isn't necessarily a step up, but it's an improvement. Ruby Tuesday was a bad influence on me, and I went into it with my heart in the wrong place. Now I'm trying to make sure I have my heart in the right place. Waffle House will be harder work, but I'm looking forward to it. I'm excited. I applied for nights. I'll have Sunday Mornings and Wednesday nights off. I will be making an effort to get involved with my church. I've already arranged to set up a meeting with the pastor. I'm not sure why... it was just on my heart Sunday, to talk to him, and maybe get some direction, or something.

And on top of all of this... I've had a cd for over a month now, and I just listened to it for the first time Saturday night. It was PERFECT!!!!!

It is the Theme Song to my starting over.

The Afters - "Never Going Back to OK"

It's not the end
But it feels like it is
I'm waking up
Like I'm back from the dead
I'm stepping out
And I feel so afraid
But as long as I'm moving it's all right

I feel alive
And it hurts for a change
And looking back and it's hard to believe
That I was cool
With the days that I wasted complacent and tasteless and bored but
That was yesterday

We're never going back to OK
We're never going back to easy
We're never going back to the way it was
We’re never going back to OK

This discontent
Like a slap in the face
Of mediocre
I've had enough of this place
This party's over
And I'm moving away from the frills of you Beverly Hills but that was yesterday

We're never going back to OK
We're never going back to easy
We're never going back to the way it was
We’re never going back to OK

We're here to stay
This is our time
Our only life
Our chance to live

We're never going back to OK
We're never going back to easy
We're never going back to the way it was
We’re never going back to OK
Currently Listening:
Never Going Back to OK
By: The Afters
Release date: 2008-02-26