It may be stupid...

but I want to fall in love...

Currently watching: Atlantis - The Lost Empire Release date: 29 January, 2002

Well, that was going to be all... but...
Isn't this sad... I just read this on someone's MySpace blog, and...

I thought of when I left Orlando last Spring. It was Melanie's Spring Break, and she was down at Disney for spring training. I skipped two days of school to go down there, and I was lucky I got to see or hang out with her at all, but...
The last time I saw her... The last time I touched her. Well, that whole day I kept randomly hugging her and holding her tight and close for as long as I thought she'd allow...
But that night, when it came time for me to drive home... I kissed her on the forehead and held her as tightly as I could... because that was Goodbye in a way that I never imagined...

What a kiss means...

~Kiss on the Forehead ="I hope we're together forever"
~Kiss on the Ear = "You're my everything"
~Kiss on the Cheek = "We're friends"
~Kiss on the Hand = "I adore you"
~Kiss on the Neck = "We belong together"
~Kiss on the Shoulder = "I want you"
~Kiss on the Lips = I like you"

****************************************************

What the gesture means...

~Holding Hands = "we definitely like each other"
~Slap on the Butt = "That's mine"
~Holding on tight = "I don't want to let go"
~Looking into each other's Eyes = "I just plain like you"
~Playing with Hair = "Tell me you love me"
~Arms around the Waist = "I like you too much to let go"
~Laughing while Kissing = "I am completely comfortable with you"

****************************************************
--Advice--

Dont ask for a kiss, take one.
If you were thinking about someone while reading this, you're definitely in Love.

****************************************************

Citizen's "Lake"

Check out these pictures in the middle of the night, and then the next afternoon.
I didn't take any of them out, so some may be blurry, Sorry.
At least the water level went down a little over night.

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"Your Face Here" with love
Matthew Shane

Currently listening: You Can't Trust a Ladder By: The Myriad Release date: 14 June, 2005

Wishing... (Lessons from the past)

I wish...
I wish I understood things better...
I wish I had gone with my instincts and never chosen to love Melanie...
It was a choice... not a feeling... certainly not my first instinct... But I believe that love is a choice... on top of a feeling... because there will be seasons that the feeling isn't there...

But anyway, to start, I had really liked her... she was really cool, but she wasn't the girl I really wanted... I was actually interested in two other girls when Melanie and I first started hanging out...
But I asked Melanie out anyway, because... I don't know... I did really like her... I did think she was really cool... I didn't want to be alone... peer pressure from our roommates (who were dating each other)... any one or more of a number of reasons... I asked her out...
But for three or four weeks... it just didn't go the way I wanted at all...

I want to be able to go to church with my wife, and love God and my wife... but with Melanie... I kept skipping church, and spending time with her or going to church late... I put her before God...
I was frustrated...
I had promised myself I'd save my first kiss for marriage... but I kissed her... because... I don't know... I really wanted to... I really liked her... I really wanted to know what it was like... I've wanted to know all my life.
But I always felt so guilty...
I guess because I really didn't think she was right... even though I did like her...
I felt like I was just using her because I wanted someone to cuddle with, and someone to kiss... because I didn't want to be alone.

But then this other girl I was interested in... whom I saw every Thursday in a prayer group at school... I started talking to her... She was VERY VERY friendly... She was on fire for God... and that's what I really wanted in my life... God... (looking back, I mistakenly interpreted my desire for God as a desire for this girl, and I eventually noticed that mistake)

Anyway, I talked to her about how I was feeling about Melanie, and we agreed that if my heart wasn't in it, that I needed to back out to keep from hurting Melanie.
So... I talked to Melanie... told her that I really wasn't sure about how I felt about her... which since we had started going out, I hadn't been sure... and she knew that and admits to having known that.

Well, I broke up with her, and then we really became good friends...
We hung out... and I didn't feel guilty... But I had broken her heart... and I didn't know it... I kept trying to make sure she was okay, because I didn't want her to hurt... but she always said she was fine.

So I started talking to this other girl and we both liked each other... for about 3 days... Eventually I realized that she is just a big flirt and every few days she'd meet a guy and be like "could this be the guy God has for me?"... but I was still really hoping for something, so I followed her around for about a month and a half... I was also still attracted to her because I saw her chasing after God...
She had started telling me that she really thought I should go back to Melanie, and I kept saying that I really didn't think there was anything there... That I really honestly believed that God had someone better for me.

I had distanced myself from Melanie because I had started seeing that she was hurting, and I couldn't do anything... and because we would still kiss and make-out sometimes... and I was really trying to follow God... So I distanced myself from her because it was hurting me as well.


Eventually, when the other girl I had been talking to started to drive me nuts... when she went overboard with her public praying... when I wanted to pray in corners and she wanted to yell out over a courtyard all her problems... I started to see that she wanted attention... and I couldn't stand it...
I went back to Melanie, who was a true and honest friend. I started talking to her more... I missed her... I missed her as a friend.
She really was a great friend.
So I stopped talking to this other girl, because I realized she wasn't what I thought she was, and I started hanging out with Melanie again. Not as a romantic interest... just as friends...

But then it hit me...
I could love her... I wanted to love her...
So I told myself that I did... I chose to love her...
I didn't ever tell her though...
I waited until I was up in Ohio for Christmas with her family...
I freaked out... I thought I was going to lose her forever... and it all just came out...

I loved her, and I couldn't lose her... and I was the biggest fool for ever having left her.
I still wasn't fully convinced myself that she was really right for me... but I kept telling myself that I loved her...
I had made that choice and I wanted to stick with it.

So all year long... with this long distance... there was a pattern... in the early part of the year, she tried to break it off because I was too clingy, and she was too busy with softball... But I somehow convinced her to stay...
But then from about April or May on (about the time I bought her a cell phone)... I was the one trying to say it's over... and she kept convincing me to stay... all year long... If you look at what little poetry I wrote over the year, there is a constant pattern of one poem where it's like "she loves me" and then three poems of "it's over." Because she was always so distant... and would never talk to me until I got tired of it and just tried to can the whole thing... then we'd talk for a day or two... text for a week... then she'd be silent for a few days and I'd freak out again... It was an ongoing two or three week cycle for most of the year.

So toward the end of the year... the pattern had broken... I thought everything was going to work... finally!!!
We were talking more... We had planned that I was going to drive up there, in the first or second week of January, and she was going to come down here with me... move down here... I was so excited, and she seemed to be too.

But then... she got distant... looking back, I realize now that that's when she was hanging out with Jess... although they weren't "together" until after she broke up with me... (so she claims that she never "cheated")

Anyway, when she chose Jess and it was absolutely final... I wasn't broken hearted at losing her... I was broken hearted because, at first, she was mad at me, and I felt like I had lost a friend... my best friend... really, one of my only friends...
I had never felt closer to anyone else, and I had pushed a lot of people away over the year because they criticized me for staying with her.

Now I'm broken hearted because of what I see of her and Jess. Jess is manipulative and controlling and I have emails to prove it... but Melanie can't see it because she's the one being manipulated...
Things Melanie always told me she didn't like or things she hated... she does these things with Jess, or for Jess...
Of course... she also told me that she had experimented with girls before, and she ALWAYS kept telling me she didn't like it and it wasn't for her...

But... I'm just broken hearted now... as a friend... because I can see her on a road to getting hurt... and she won't listen to me... and the more I say, the more I try to warn her, the more she runs toward what I know will hurt her.
I really can't explain how I know she'll get hurt... I just...
I know she's doing things that she never wanted to do... things she always hated... and... I can't explain it... but...
I just feel it in my heart.

I don't want her back... but... I want her happy...
And I know her well enough to be able to tell that she isn't.
Like the first week in January she went to a doctor and ended up back on Depression medicine... when she was claiming to be so happy with her decision...
So there's the best example I can come up with right now... there are so many others though... just little things... but...

It's her life I suppose... Her mistakes to make...

I really do love her... As a friend... the way that I always should have loved her.
But I don't know why I chose to give her my heart... I don't know why I convinced myself that it would work...
I don't know why I convinced myself that she we were meant for each other... when I always dreamed of someone better...
I guess it's because I see such great potential in her... She is capable of such great things... if she would only let God work with her... She has... had?? such a great, and caring heart.
But now... it seems so dark and so cold...

Jess has stolen her heart... and Jess is selfish... and... mean... and hurtful... and leaves way too much information in comments on Melanie's page about what she's going to do to Mel the next time she sees her... How she's going to bite... and scratch... and.... ... ... yeah... anyway... there's just too much info...

It used to be Melanie's joy to say that our relationship wasn't a physical one... She said it like that's what she wanted...
But I guess maybe it wasn't... I don't know...

Anyway...
Sorry... I guess you didn't need all that...
I need to stop thinking about her... It's her life... right???
As a friend... is it wrong of me to let her go... if she won't listen to my warnings...
If a friend was going to drive into a brick wall... and you warned them... and they still wanted to do it... would you sit there to watch... or... turn away??? What's worse???

I keep coming back to a Proverb... I think it's 17:6 or something... but it says "Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses." and that fits perfectly in this situation... in my eyes... because... it seems to hurt her whenever I try to warn her... but... Jess just keeps getting more and more physical...

I don't know...

Proverbs 27:6... I just looked it up.
But then... I suppose 27:7 applies to my tendency to rush decisions in my loneliness... "He who is full loathes honey, but to the hungry even what is bitter tastes sweet."

Well... to explain why this is up here...
I can send people here when they want to know the story.
I really, honestly, don't like talking about it... because then I start getting frustrated with Melanie... and I start wanting to say that she's stupid and that I hate her...
When I know it's not true... My heart wouldn't be broken if it were true.
And she isn't stupid... maybe a little foolish... but she is very smart when she isn't holding herself down...

But I am ready to move on with my life.
But I am also wanting to be very cautions right now... because I know I don't want to feel alone, but I also don't want to rush into something.
I want to make some good friends right now.
Which I'm trying to do... but it's not working so well...

Oddly enough, I have met or become friends with quite a few people named Jess or Jessica recently... So I tend to call Melanie's Jess, "Less"... because Less is the first word chosen by my phone's predictive text, and I like that word better... then I can say that Melanie left me for Less :-) And I know it's true

Currently listening: There Came a Lion By: Ivoryline Release date: 05 February, 2008

One Day

You'll see...
I'll show you all...

Someday...
Someday I'll matter.

Someday I'll matter to someone.

Playing the Wii (02-21)

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Currently listening: Great White Whale By: Secret and Whisper Release date: 12 February, 2008

"The Bubbles Make Everything Better"

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Currently listening: You Can't Trust a Ladder By: The Myriad Release date: 14 June, 2005

Ranting and Raving, Mr. Sun.

02/16/08 (17:00)
It's not my place to say
But it's standing out so plain
You've been running
Running away
You're so... Paranoid

Back to You (Black & Blue)
2/19/08 (03:28)
I can't go back to you
I keep coming back
I can't keep turning black & blue
I've gotta keep myself from you
You don't know what you do
But you turn me black & blue
I just can't keep
coming back to you!
My love is worthy of
Such a better prize
My heart is guilty of
Such a haughty pride
But you're worse than what I do myself...

Ranting and Raving (So many names... The same)
02/19/08 (03:38)
It doesn't even make sense
Alphabetically, it doesn't even go there
So how did it end up in my hands?
It should have just stayed where it belonged.
Stupid sounds
No one cares what I think anyway...
So maybe they all like it
How did I end up with it?
I'm just tired of feeling
And they say it...
Right there in the title.
It's true... And it sucks
And maybe Jess is right
I wouldn't mind the padded walls, you know.
Maybe I'd finally find rest...
Peace... Calm...
The still quiet.
Perhaps she's right.
Jess could study that
I should have just kept my mouth shut.
Nothing to say.
That's the best thing...
But she boasts it so proudly
And she looks terrible...
I just can't believe... ("me and my Jess!")
I'm so selfish...
Because... I guess...
I boils down to...
I just can't believe she's happy without me.
But then again...
She's being medicated for depression...
And she claims to be happy.
She still wants me around in secret...
And she claims to be so happy...
So is it logical?
Or is it really blind, selfish pride...?
That I just can't believe...
That she's happy

02/20/08 (07:24)
Oh hey look:
Good morning, Mr. Sun
Did you shine bright to blind?
Or just to show us where to hide?
I think I found a trap door
It leads up to the basement
But how...? If up is down
"This life needs a face-lift"
Cause every day I move along
Like it's an assembly line
Like a big, old, dusty factory
Yeah, this is making life
All the parts and pieces fit
But something appears to be amiss
And why is it that I return?
Every evening... I need fixed
And so again "Good morning"
Might this perhaps be the day
The long awaited hour
Or might she be fast asleep
Just like that
A quick hand slap
And it's back to the same
The love of ideal lovers
While there are simply none to claim.
(07:38)

Currently listening: Great White Whale By: Secret and Whisper Release date: 12 February, 2008

Selfishness

So I've been thinking.

I felt selfish for so long, but...
Don't we have the right to be.
Even if it's just every once in a while.

Like on my birthday... Aren't I entitled to desire that I be surrounded by all the people that I love most?
Isn't that my right?
I don't care if they get me something. I just want them there.
I just want them to all sign a card or a note... like a yearbook.
All the stupid things we've done in the past year.
How they think we'll grow up in the coming year.
What they hope I'll accomplish.

I WANT that!!! Is it not my right to be selfish and desire that for myself?

Or when they overwork me at work, and I want a day off.
Is it not my right to get upset and frustrated when they continually walk all over me and ask me to cover other people's shifts while I get nothing, and the person I'm covering for gets a day off.
Don't I deserve that day off every once in a while?
I DO!!!

Or when someone, anyone, walks on you simply because you're nice.
Don't we at some point have the right to stand up and say "NO!"?
Are we not allowed to think of ourselves?
I AM SELFISH!!!
But not in an evil sense of the word.
I am a very caring and giving person...
But I will only let so much be taken from me.
If it is a healthy relationship.
If we are both giving and receiving, whether we realize it or not. It is healthy. It is worth keeping.
But if someone is simply hanging onto me because I am kind and giving, they are a leech.
I do not give, and expect to receive. But I do give and expect that what I give will be well appreciated.
If you don't appreciate what I give you, you just take it because I'm offering.
Then you are SELFISH in all the evilness of the word.
But I am not.
I AM selfish.
But I am nothing like you leeches... you parasites.
You simply bleed the life out of those of us that have hearts until we feel no more... and then we become like you... because we no longer care...
Well, I'm standing up, and I'm stopping it here!
I DO CARE!!!

And so here it is!
I'm taking it.
All these dreams, they were my dreams.
And all these wishes were my wishes.
I'm taking them back!
I'm taking them all back!

Currently listening : Something to Be By Rob Thomas Release date: April 19, 2005

ifindmyself

I find myself awake, and slightly unable or perhaps unwilling to sleep.
The sun just came up and I have to work a double again...

I'm almost positive I'll be feeling sick within a few days.
I haven't been getting much sleep lately, and I've been working like crazy. I haven't had any days off since January 26 and I'll be lucky if I get the two days I requested off next week for my brother's birthday. And if I do get those days off, I will have worked every day for nearly a month straight... because I requested off the 23 and 24.

So... that just about equates to being the month of February.

I hate complaining about work... I love it there, and I should be grateful that I have a job and that they schedule me so much... but... I'm tired... I need friends... my heart needs a little lifting.
I want a day off to go to Dothan or PC. I want to just hang out and laugh, and not think about work...

I have a lot on my mind right now, but it's actually really blank.
I took a bunch of random pictures the other day. I'll get them up on my Picasa page (like PhotoBucket) and set up a link from my main blog page... maybe I'll do that now. So look for it. On the right side of the page I'm going to set up a link to go view pictures. Picasa is another Google tool, just like Blogger and Gmail and FeedBurner... so they're all linked. It's great!!!
I love it.

Love to you
Matthew Shane

Currently listening: Bone Palace Ballet By: Chiodos Release date: 04 September, 2007

"Come Now Sleep" and "Silence"

Here's a new thing... Newest to older... how's that???
Don't forget... the clock is in eastern time, and 24 hour format... so 02 is 2 in the morning.

02/12/08 (11:42)
She may one day say
That I was too silent
Never communicating my dreams
"Had I only known back then..."
She was straining to hear a voice
But my words were careful by choice
And written so as to say
"You're not listening to me"
Because if you had been
You'd have known exactly where my heart was...
And who I desire to be.


02/08/08 (05:58)
Tearing down what was built
So as to remember the ruins
I wear a watch
But never actually use it to check the time
So when it died
It's no wonder I wasn't surprised

Lost & Found
01/30/08 (10:15)
In a desert of sound
The only silence
Rising from the bones in the ground
A pause for respect would only slow us down.

So taken in an image form
We carried our moment of silence
Words written and signed in love
No folded back on themselves
For use on the day we pause
To remember those we've forgotten and lost.

01/16/08
Doesn't someone out there
sleep like me?
Where it's just easier to say
you don't.
Doesn't anyone know
how it feels
to be alone?

Feel the Same (Move and Sleep)
01/16/08
Doesn't anyone here feel the same?
Knowing that you're meant for more than this...
But it keeps coming back to haunt me
That I'm not important
That I'm rather worthless.

Don't you see how bright the future is?
Keep running the race
It's just over the horizon
It's so bright there
Where the sun sets on my dreams every night
It's so beautiful
On the edge of the world
Where I can never be.

Doesn't anyone sleep like me?
Keep writing and moving
Hold my head up until I'm dreaming
Just keep saying and believing
Someday maybe things 'll change.
One day, maybe
You'll be here with me
Wrapped in my arms
Telling me it's safe to sleep
I don't have to wait the whole night
To collapse upon the day
But you'll hold me close and tell me
You'll never go away.

Doesn't anyone feel the same?
Like you're drowning in the sea?
Like you're falling without hope?
Won't you fall right here with me?
Our lungs have filled with fluid
Just keep locked
Your eyes to mine.

The Silent Memo
01/16/08
What good is it to be Prince Charming
When no princess will stand beside me
No friend
No foe
No stable girl
I suspect you've all received the memo...
"He's distressed
He's tired
He's in need of true friends
. . .
He's selfish
He's cruel
What he deserves is
Dead Silence."

So here I am abandoned
Love left for a stranger
I've grown so weak and weary
Faking to be who I am
But if no one will openly accept me
Maybe we're all better off
Without a Prince.
Ever slightly so Charming.


And now... I think I'm going to go work on something...
A poem I wrote Jan. 10th called Write, and a poem I wrote August 27th called Affairs of the State. I want to look at them both together, side by side and see if I can combine them... and write a new poem in a different state about the madness of insanity...

Currently listening: Seattle Sessions By: Classic Crime Release date: 06 November, 2007

Just Writing. :-) (The unfamiliar feeling of freedom)

Just writing again.

Don't get me wrong about what I said in my blog last night.
I love Melanie.
But...

Anyway.
I quit. There are times you have to step on.
I KNOW she deserves MUCH better than what she's chosen, and she will see that.
I don't wish any hurt on her, but she will get hurt... :-(
I wish her all the happiness in the world.
I love her.

But, it is time.
We spent the past year not communicating, and we've fallen apart.
I won't point any fingers at her or myself.
A relationship can only fail or succeed based on the actions of both parties involved.
So both our actions brought it to it's close.
But...

I can't explain it, exactly. But I felt a great peace flood over me when it ended.
The moment it was final...

I felt God.
And although I had been reaching for the past year, I haven't been able to reach God.
I was very saddened by this...
All year long I was saddened because I didn't know what was wrong.
And then on Jan. 2 I was saddened because I realized that I was holding myself back from God because I was trying to hold onto what He was urging me to outgrow.

I wanted to grow in God with her.
But I merely sat down with her, and didn't do anything useful at all.
I feel like I've wasted so much time.

But, it's in the past, and all I can do is dance with joy at feeling God's touch once again.
I can't change anything that happened. Simply move on, knowing God knows best.

On MySpace last night, I started a new page to add bands to.
I added a bunch of bands, and then, in the wee hours of the morning, I started looking for friends.
New people to meet.
I started searching through pages of Chipola students and adding interesting ones as friends... or trying to add. It's really their call.

Well, a lot of pages are set to private now, so all I was really going by on a lot of them were Names and Headlines.

I found one.

A friend I know is worth keeping.

I'm very excited.

I know it was God's doing that I chose to add her. It was so random, and so odd that ANYONE would add me, a complete stranger looking for a few new friends.

Anyway... this one's a keeper, and we'll see what God does.
How's that???
oh... and don't forget... :-) EAT YOU SOME!!!!

Well,
I just heard from my new friend, so I'm going to reply, and hopefully I will eventually get tried and fall asleep, but right now I'm too excited.

I final feel free to say it honestly again...

"Your Face Here" upon my heart with love
Matthew Shane

Oh, and Matt;
I love this so much better than MySpace. Anyone can comment without logging into anything. It's just so much more freedom.
And I love you bro!!! You really need to move back down here. I got a whole half a house waiting on you...
And then I'll finally have someone to play the Wii with without having to fight with schedules or transport it to another house.

Currently listening: Something to Say By: Matthew West Release date: 15 January, 2008

"Happy Wife => Happy Life" ~ (comedian: Jeff Allen)

Five Iron Frenzy
"Vultures"

Watching Mrs. Brady prime the brand new Kenmore washer
see the brilliant gleam of the automatic tooth flosser
Beautiful the china, what a lovely cup and saucer
yeah I saw your Rolex, but I think it’s an impostor
Wave to the pretty ladies
with your brand new hairpiece, baby
Ahh, the smell of cash, it’s good to be alive
I’m going to spend some dough like it’s 1985
Rip the tags off mattresses
you’ll buy more anyway
Is the paint on that SUV
some brand new type of gray?

Chorus:
Believe in anything
Vultures circling
Open, swallow, you’re so hollow
Yeah.

My teeth are getting yellow from the mocha I just drank
I need to bleach them out, but my breath will still be rank
Did you you see the new computers,
aren’t they oh so obsolete?
And that shade of black you wear,
it’s so Tuesday of last week
You need a better life
Have you tried another wife?
I used to be an amateur but now I’m going pro
It once was Mile High but you sold it to Invesco
The empire grows
you can see it’s massive span
beneath the golden arches
somewhere in Japan.

And the vultures circle
they’ve paved the way
They’ve bit and clawed their paths to top floors in L.A.
And beneath the brazen windows
you can hear the sound
they say the word on the street is “something’s going down”...
When the revolution comes... when the revolution comes... when the revolution comes
When the revolution comes!!!!

Believe in anything
Vultures circling
Open, swallow, you’re so hollow
Yeah.



So... I've been thinking...
And I think it's about that time...

The Great Disappearing Act...
Yes....
Let's see who notices... and if they know where to find me... ^_^
:-)

Blog... (Understanding and Forgiving)

Well.

I'm posting a blog.
I haven't written a blog in a while... a very long time.
Sure, I post poetry and such, but to actually write something.
Here goes.

I'm here typing because I'm trying to NOT talk to Melanie. I've gone nearly two whole days now... Isn't that sad. She's chosen who she wants and it's not me, so I'm going to move past it.
I don't want to pursue a friendship with her. I love her to death, yes, but I don't want to be her friend right now.
She wants to come down and visit, and she wants to talk to me and be my friend...
All this IN SPITE of the fact that it will piss off the person she's now dating...
Doesn't make sense to me... sounds like she just wanted a physical touch...
Because there is no relationship, no person that she could ever find, who will treat her as well as I would have. And there is nothing in the relationship that she left me for that I couldn't do for her except for what she wants physically... and it being a physical relationship... it'll fail.
But she wanted to give up on "us" when she was going to be moving down here in January... :-) (chuckle...) just thought of an old cd... called "Drowning With Land in Sight."
But she gave up... so that's that. Her mistake, I just have to live with it.
Anyway...
She can't even be my MySpace or facebook friend. It ticks off the person she's with... But... she wants to talk to me... and come visit... all the while not telling "Mystery Date" that she's talking to me...
Sounds... well... whatever...

I love her. Just because she's willing to submit and let someone control her life doesn't mean I have to. I LOVE HER!!!
I know.... I'm sure all my friends are sick of me talking about her, and trying to explain how I can't just let her go because it's love and all...
I'm sure everyone's tired of hearing me talk about her, but in my heart... I can't explain it... I know you all say I deserve better.... but what you don't see... is her potential... to be that better person. I will never love anyone as much as I love her.
But I know you're sick of hearing about it... but the sooner I stop talking to her and move on... the sooner you'll hear less about her... so just bear with me, please.
I really do believe God has something amazing planned... anyway.... it'll take a miracle now... which he just happens to carry around... Always prepared for anything, he is... that God, fellow...

She may want to be my friend, and come visit me because I'm "a good friend." But the fact remains that she's not being my friend... she's torturing me. And I can't survive that... I can't sit here and let my heart continue bleeding... I need to cut my losses and salvage what I can.

But just to show you how she tortures me...
Since she broke up with me... well, she never really did... she just told me she didn't love me and she loved someone else... but anyway.
We talk... we probably communicated more in any week of January than we did in any month of the past year (while she claimed to love me). I'll even go as far to say that we probably communicated more recently than in several months from 2007 combined...
She let me call her... even more, she WANTED me to call her... and even more than that... she let me call her while she had a headache and we talked for two hours, while she had a head ache...
When we were "together," I could NEVER call when she had a headache... not even to say goodnight...
When we were together... She never said anything on Valentine's day, or my birthday.... She didn't say thank you for what I sent her on Valentine's Day or her Birthday...
Her biggest and only issue with me was that I was selfish and asked too much... but what did I ask for??? I bought, and I've paid for the service for a cell phone for nearly a year... just so that we could communicate.... two of those bills were up near $400. How was I selfish... How did I ask too much???

My vote says that she's talking to me now because she's crying out for what she threw away. Her heart knows what my heart knows... That God had/has an amazing plan...
But... she won't ever admit it.
She'll just keep saying that I'm a good friend and she doesn't want to lose that.
When I'm in a long distant relationship with friends... most of them can vouch for it... it disappears... sure, I love getting to see them again... but it's a different relationship... we're different people...
So you know what, Melanie... I don't want to be your "second choice" when this other fling doesn't work out... I don't want to try hanging around as a friend... it was hard enough to hang around the past year as a lover!!!
LOVE IS A CHOICE!!!!
You can't just fall in love and then when the feeling's gone just find someone else to fall for and ever expect to find a lasting love. But that's what she wants. She wants to have that falling feeling... She wants to "fall hopelessly," in love... Well she's got it... and she'll find she also gets all the hurt that comes with it when she hits the bottom...
All I ever wanted for love was hope... but she seems to want her love to have no hope... She wants it to be hopeless. Pity....

Married couples don't stay together because they're always happy and always feel butterflies... They stay together because they CHOSE to love and CHOSE to make a commitment.
ANY relationship that stays together. LOVE IS A CHOICE, plain and simple.
I'm not saying that it isn't a feeling. I'm simply pointing out that it is first a choice.

If Jessica Alba showed up on my doorstep and wanted to go out with me...
Heck yeah, I'd fall in love... but... there is a choice... Is it what this world calls love (better known to me as LUST) or do I truly lover her...
Will it last???
Do I know her at all? How can I love her??? I don't know her...
So yeah... Love is a feeling... But TRUE love is a choice.

God is love, and the best example of choosing love I can give is His.
God created us, and lets us do whatever we want... And he LOVES us. ALWAYS!!! No questions. But he doesn't force us to love him. He lets us hate him and betray him. He lets us do whatever we want... It is our CHOICE to love him. And God IS love!!! So if you TRULY claim to love someone, then you have two choices...

Either you want them physically, and that's it... or God IS involved.
Because without God there could be no love.

So Melanie... if you truly believe it's love.... then God's involved...
And I guess, in the end, that's why we failed... because 1. You were never ready for God to be involved... and 2. We had nothing physical over this long distance...

So no wonder you don't care about losing me... In either sense of the what the term love might be used for... (God or physical Lust) We didn't have it... so that's why...
Sure... I love you... I want to show you love... The power of Love... I'm not God, and I can't love you the way that God can, but I can show you the love that he put within me...
I would've loved you the way that you had always dreamed... I would have been your knight.
But alas...

Anyway

That's my blog... (good thing she doesn't bother reading it Huh???)
Well who knows... maybe one day she'll realize what she left behind and this will be the only thing she has to tell her what happened...
How stupid will she feel then...
You'll regret this for the rest of your life.
I'm sorry... I really do love you, and that's why I won't talk to you... because I'd say something mean and hateful.
I can only control myself so much before my broken heart explodes out and starts cursing you...

Matthew means "gift from God" and Melanie's truly going to miss her gift...

So... here I go... gone. Done.
As I once wrote in a poem... "fin--Cut, Done, Over, Finished, The End ... Start again..."

Start over from scratch...
I had my heart... my whole life... I was protecting it and saving it from the world to give it to someone who would care for it... and make it better and stronger... Well... Seems I made a mistake...
And now it's gone... because Melanie had it... and then handed it over to her new lover....
And so I have to go back to God... and start building another heart... building another love...
Peace by Piece...

Goodnight. I'm going to go play Zelda now. :-)

LEAVE ME COMMENTS, Okay???
I want to know who's subscribed to my blog and who's reading.
I'm sorry this is a crappy blog... but... It's what I've got...

It's not humanly possible for my to not hate Melanie for what she's done... and even though I know God wants me to love her... I can only hold in my humanity for so long... I'm not perfect... I'm human, trying to be Christ-like... and so... I fail... pretty often, actually.
But that's why God teaches us to forgive, and love.
True love is understanding and forgiving... and at the core; the stripped down center of love... that is ALL that love is: Understanding and Forgiving.

And that is all I have...

Currently playing: Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess Release date: 17 November, 2006

Currently listening: The End Is Here By: Five Iron Frenzy Release date: 20 April, 2004

Jozalyn Bailey