As the Serpent Sheds Its Skin

Blog from when I was using LiveJournal

[	mood	|	Artistic	]
[	music	|	He Is Legend - China White	]

As the Serpent Sheds Its Skin

She'll touch down
Where her feet can rest
This perch, her nest
It's all the same (to me)
The Catbird Seat
Set upon her throne a queen
So to have direction
In a way you've found a ruler
A tyrant, don't you realize you can't ruler her

IN THIS STATE
I haven't found my name
I have not the right to ask my queen
If she's to be seated right beneath me
What truth can she give me
TAKE CARE
Watch over her for me

I'll return and I'll bring with me
USE YOUR ARMY
But you can't overthrow me
I'm stronger than I think

And I can't walk this water on my own
Oh won't you please
Won't you come to take me home
I'm begging strength from you
To overthrow my noose
She's got a grip so tight (on me)
And she won't step down
My heart, Your throne, Her Prize
A tyrant don't you realize...

IN THIS STATE
I'm finding out my name
Soon I'll (start a) quest to find my queen
If she'll lay (in) this vacancy beside me
And make whole
A truth that only we can know
so TAKE CARE
Watch over her for me

WHEN I RETURN
LEADING YOUR ARMY
I'M STRONGER THAN I THINK
Oh won't you please
Come to take me home

07/24/05 (15:41)

"Your Face Here" upon my heart with love
Matthew (Mahi) Eskuchen

COMMENTS

Homie (Anonymous) 2005-07-26 01:54 am UTC (link) Select

Hey mAtT! It is mICHAEL here homeslice!!! I stopped by to read your awesomeness! i liked it! right on! thanks for alerting of the update of your site! hey! you going to see showbread blindside the showdown??? right on!!! same here!!! but it is the oine in orlando!!!! just got my ticket today!! had to drive all the way up there since the tickets online where sold out!! it is going to be the best show ever! the three greatest live shows I have ever seen!!! right on!!! you going to orlando or jacksonville show??? I sure can't wait!! how you is!?? what ye up to?? eh eh eh??? muahahahaha!!!! peace out homie!! (Reply to this)(Thread)

Re: Homie guardedlegacy 2005-07-26 05:34 pm UTC (link) Select

Mike, how's it going. Good to hear from you. Thanks for the Hope email, I enjoyed it. I'll be going to the Orlando show as well, so we'll have to meet up. I'm also going to see The Showdown and Showbread in Jax the day before. Blindside won't be there though. Well, gotta get back to class now. Started taking classes over the summer out here in the middle of nowhere. I hope I get to see you in Orlando. "Your Face Here" upon my heart with love Matthew (Mahi) Eskuchen

Love and Support (Your Face Here)

Blog from when I was using LiveJournal.

[	mood	|	Wow! that's a cool hat!	]
[	music	|	LoveHateHero - "Just Breathe" (This album's art is amazing)	]

07/18/05 (20:08)

Oh, I here, stare out the window and pray
That it rains as a handle to hold to
Become so twisted in opening
Oh, starting, ending, finishing, beginning
Contemplating a mathematical calculation
Seeking logic in science and finding silence at a social occasion

07/19/05 (For Jeff)

I know that nothing I can say will change you
You'll have to do that on your own
When you open your eyes and realize
That you hate this place in life
So I'll introduce a 'Modest Proposal'
To cure us all of our lovely disease
We'll eat the children whole
And raise the wolves as our own

Random joke on a stick:
What did the painter name his son?

Art

God has been teaching me a lot of things lately. I'll have to tell you about it all sometime. But not tonight, sorry.
Um, a few days ago I submitted a poem by my cousin Frank. I would really appreciate it (and I'm sure he would too) if you guys could leave him some encouraging comments. He's going through a tough time right now, and can really use the support. It's hard when you're in a place in life and you feel like God isn't there.
In the book, Wild at Heart, John Eldredge says, "This is a very dangerous moment, when God seems set against everything that has meant life to us. Satan spies his opportunity and leaps to accuse God in our hearts. You see, he says, God is angry with you. He's disappointed in you. If he loved you he would make things smoother. He's not out for your best, you know. The Enemy always tempts us back toward control, to recover and rebuild the false self. We must remember that it is out of love that God thwarts our imposter. As Hebrews reminds us, it is the son whom God disciplines, therefore do not lose heart (12:5-6) (pg. 111-112).
This is taken from its context, which is speaking about having a false version of ourselves that we show the world, and even ourselves. To be completely devoted to God we must discard this 'false self'. And when we start realizing that, and start trying to remove the false self from our lives, that's when Satan attacks, because we are losing "everything that has meant life to us" (111).
It's a great book. Thank you guys for your love and support and prayers.

'Your face here' upon my heart with love
Mahi

Fishing in a Field of Wheat

Blog from when I was using LiveJournal.

[	mood	|	Dizzy	]
[	music	|	Eisley - Laughing City EP	]

Okay, this is my sermon, so I hope you don't mind me preaching.
Fishing in a Field of Wheat
This is what God will let us do when we stray from His will. We're trying to get what "we" want, so God simply says, "Go for it. You want a fish, here's a rod, go fishing." So God stands back and smiles as we're like "Cool, God's gonna let us try to get what we want for once." The only thing we don't realize is that we are casting our line out into a field of wheat. When we do realize though, God raises an eyebrow and asks, "Have I proven my point?" And then he says in such a loving way, "Follow me, I'll get you what you're looking for."
07/16/05 (01:09)

07/16/05 (03:45)

Writing for a time
When you would have recognized
But now everything sounds the same
And everything changed remains
I'd try to win you back if I could
But that would be too wrong of me
How then would you share God's love with this world?
Spread your wings MNM
You've shown me that even I have some strength
I should always offer my thanks
Your wings are a rainbow filled blessing
I was fishing in a field of wheat
And by chance you shown up next to me
I failed to see your beauty in the moment
But now I see and know
And struggle with letting you go
(07/18/05 (00:35))
But I found you in a field
Where I wasn't s'posed to be
So now after I leave
I long for you to flutter after me
But I flail goodbye
And fare thee well with tears in my eyes

07/17/05 (14:32)

My eyes glazed over
I might as well lay down
My weapons and swords
There was once strength within these words
But I caged it away
In the box that they gave me
And in such a place
I found that all I had gained
Was their pleasure in making me
Into another cliche
And this haze in my eyes
As I slowly over time
Grew into faded conformity

07/18/05 (00:03)

I miss people...
I miss dancing...
I miss bible studies...
I'm sitting out here spinning in a chair
And staring out the window because there's just nothing to do
I have no desire to sleep
I don't want to watch TV or read
I already wrote my essay for school
And I didn't want to do that either
I want to see faces
And hear laughter dance across a room
I long to deliver flowers, to someone I dearly love
I desire a conversation without my own voice on the phone
I want to take a picture of something nowhere near a mirror
My faces could be funny but I'm tired of all my eyes
All the masks are keeping my heart hidden
And a cage is closing in around me
I'm slipping from this cliff-face
And I feel like giving in
I feel like taking all the drugs
And dancing with the moon
Or calling out to sanity
Just to find I've lost the proof
I feel like learning all the answers
And forgetting all the questions
I feel like staring into strangers' eyes
And kissing this world's tears goodbye
I feel like dying
I feel like living
And I feel like drifting
Into no particular face
Or simply writing random words
While I try to avoid sleep

Sorry, I was just writing
I don't know what I've written
But it seems bad enough though
Well, I guess I'm gonna go now
And I want to go home…
In many more ways than one
And I want to stop rhyming
And I want to stop wanting
And I want to go eat something
But I know that I'm not hungry

I think maybe that I'm crazy
But I'm hearing lights are singing
They're bright and shining from my eyes
My pillows tired and my head is long deprived
This has gotten me almost nowhere...
This wasn't what I meant to write
I wanted to write something about my sister
And some other stuff I think
Maybe a comment or two in relation to you
But I'm dizzy from spinning on this chair
Thee I well fare


Joke from a stick: Why did the driver throw money in the street?
So 'she' could stop on a dime

Or, just for kicks, If you're Lui, Josiah, or me: Why did the driver throw my heart in the street?
So 'she' could run over it and make sure it was broken and had ceased beating.

It's okay, that's just a Joke. Someone and I have actually talked things through, and I guess that's that. I guess.

With Love, (and a broken heart dying to live)
Matt

Does anybody even read this anymore?

COMMENTS

mystagnantheart
2005-07-18 07:22 pm UTC (link)

Select

I still read... And, if it means anything, I never stopped loving you. You're my big bro! It may not seem like it, but I'm still here. I'll always be here. Don't forget that. Always, The Cripple

Since I'm Not Writing Much, I Thought I'd Share This

Blog from when I was using LiveJournal.

[	mood	|	Worried, Fearful, Lost...	]
[	music	|	Fall Out Boy and Taking Back Sunday	]

My cousin emailed me the other day. I emailed him back telling him how awesome the song/poem he had emailed me was. He responded saying that it was just a letter about how he was feeling. I structured it, added a couple words here or there, just to help it flow a little better, and now it IS the awesome poem that I read when he first emailed me. This encompasses how we are both feeling at the moment, so prayer for us is much appreciated. I'm leaving this for him to title as he chooses. So written by Frank Yates, this is awesome and I thought you guys might like seeing it since I'm not writing anything too great lately.

With Love
Matt


Come to, and I just don’t know what to think
I’m sitting here in the dark and I try to open my eyes
But I find that they are, and have been open
I’m sitting in the dark of what I’m pondering
So what, I ask again,
Eternal Darkness?
I reach out my hand
Waiting for someone to grab
In time my fingers feel only air
I think the dirt road ends
Only when the pavement begins

Sorry if I have left you wondering
Why I have written that which I wrote
But it’s what and who I am right now
I’m so confused and I don’t know which way to go
There’s a fork in the road
With the hundreds of branches laid out before me
And I’m just trying to think of what will happen
In the future
But I can’t deal, and this is how I’m feeling

Blankly staring to the sky
Imagining what could be
I try to think of what will happen
But it won’t come to me
So now I’m here looking
Know I’m here looking
For no apparent reason
But all the reasons in one
I’m hoping and praying
That I will find the answer soon
But I fear what I have feared all along

Emptiness...




COMMENTS

Comment for Frank on his poem (Anonymous) 2005-07-24 11:24 pm UTC (link) Select

Hey! This is Jenny Rowland from Grace Youth Group! I'd have to agree with Matt on your poem, very very awesome! I don't know the story behind your poem or why you're feeling this way, but if you feel lost and empty, just simply call out to God and he will fill you up. If you'd ever like to chat about it, I would and I'm sure Matt would be willing to talk to you. My email address is singingchic@bellsouth.net. Also, be sure to keep in touch with me since I haven't talked to you in a long time. Have alot of fun on junior high trip! -Jenny Rowland (Reply to this)

	(Anonymous) 2005-07-26 01:56 am UTC (link) Select
	RIght on!

Holding Back Screams... And More It Seems

Blog from when I was using LiveJournal.

[	mood	|	Regret filled, apologetic	]
[	music	|	GooGoo Dolls - Iris & Vertical Horizon - Everything You Want	]

This is mine:
Holding Back Screams

I'm sorry, I had myself deceived
I guess I wasn't storing apologies
I was saving up anger
I was holding back screams
Then when my lungs finally exploded
I had ceased to care
And blew it all out of proportion
Not that apologies matter now
You're too far away to hear something I'd whisper
My mind's too far gone to comprehend anything sister
So I plead to be guilty
Claimed a villain so sinister
Perhaps you'd say,
"My brother, my friend"
But I...
"...just wish I could have loved her"
I'd cry silent tears
But I seem too much an infant
So selfish and helpless
Cold and dependent
A pillow offering no comfort
To my head long deprived
And no writing I'll find
Could bring hope to these eyes

07/10/05

And this is not:

The Pale Pacific ~
"You are the girl
With the smiles and gravity
And gravity gets things done"

FM Static ~
"One she makes me feel not
Two much like anything
That’s three times more
Than I've ever felt before
And its one AM
And I'm two sucked in
Cuz it's three days later
I can't stop thinking about you"

Dashboard Confessional ~
"I'm dying to know
Do you do you like dreaming of things so impossible
Or only the practical or ever the wild
Or waiting through all your bad bad days
Just to end them with
Someone you care about"

Emery~
"We will map the stars tonight
They help to find a way when all is said
Words can breathe more life than death

The innocence that people share
When touching on secrets and letting down hair"

Dashboard Confessional ~
"Breathe in for luck
Breathe in so deep
This air is blessed
You share with me
... ... ... ... ... ... ...
My heart is yours to fill or burst
To break or bury
Or wear as jewelry
Whichever you prefer"

Showbread ~
"The light in your eyes reflects and I see myself
And all I want to be
For you I'll give everything,
Just to linger on your lips and feel your fingertips
You are an angel"

Copeland ~
"I won't mind if you monopolize all of my time
I won't say a thing at all
I won't say a word"

Copeland ~
"You could take everything I have
Just don't leave my side now, don't leave my side"

Emery ~
"I know if you stay
This will
Be ours to take
I feel so go
I want you for all my days"

Showbread ~
"Yet I see true art, I see her, and I see You
Father, You inspire me to sing to You
You inspire me to sing to You"

Mae ~
"The red light's on, it's over.
To give up now doesn't make much sense
So this is my goodbye, surprised?
Because I thought I could walk you home tonight
But you're leaving me here on the defense"

Dashboard Confessional ~
"We are, we are, intriguing
We are, we are, invisible
Oh how we've shouted, how we've screamed
Take notice, take interest, take me with you
... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...
We are, we are, intriguing
We are, we are, desirable"

Vertical Horizon ~
"But I mean nothing to you
And I don't know why"

Dashboard Confessional ~
"And the picture frames are facing down
And the ringing from this empty sound
Is deafening and keeping you from sleep"

Relient K ~
"I've thrown away the hope I had in friendships
I've thrown away so many things
That could have been much more
I've thrown away the secret to find an end to this
And I just pray my problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works
No that's not the way it works"

Funeral for a Friend ~
"I'm sick and I'm tired
Of always being the good guy"

GooGoo Dolls ~
"And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive"

He Is Legend ~
"I've got to find the princess
She's in another castle
I'm dancing with the Capulet
We're so 'crazy in love'
Juliet..."

He Is Legend ~
"I've been collecting stones that I think I'll throw at you
I can't forget your face
I'm sorry dear but that's my cue
..."

He Is Legend ~
"Is there a place that we can go
To teach the children not to grow?
Where lovers don't remember where they met
And heartbreak is easy to forget?"

Sanctus Real ~
"We can't take back words we've spoken
But I'm hoping you'll forgive me"

Relient K ~
"And You said, 'I know that this will hurt,
but if I don't break your heart, things will just get worse.
If the burden seems too much to bear, remember...
The end will justify the pain it took to get us there.'"

Relient K ~
"I'm sorry for the person I became
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
Cause who I am hates who I've been"


This started out as just a couple of quotes that could explain how I am currently feeling, but after about two hours it had become a collage of word images filling in the gaps of a certain relationship. After another hour or so, it was organized and almost flowing in places, but still incomplete.
Due to the time, and the fact that I have school in the morning... Well, I just gotta get going. I'll be back to work on it again though.

With renewed vigor, refreshed hope, and revitalized love
Matt

{mostly} Not My Own

Blog from when I was using LiveJournal

[

mood

|

Cynical

]

This is mine:

To Sleep With The Demons
Smear my blood across your chest
Mark yourself with this
Let loose your howling
Battle cry
Avenge my fallen cowardice

Oh Darling, who are you fighting?
My blood is on your hands
Oh Darling, why are you crying?
Hold me close and I'll dance
07/06/05 [Not finished yet (hopefully)]

This is not:

Emery - "Disguising Mistakes With Good-byes"

Just take it back // They are only words // We hold the tethers // We are here together // We paint the night // Only to find // It's cracked and peeling // Each face revealing // What we don't say
(I feel your hair through my fingers every silk strand takes my breath away)

Let's take these lines and draw ourselves out of here // This shipwreck from set-sail // We will map the stars tonight they help to find a way when all is said, words can breathe more life than death // The innocence that people share when touching on secrets and letting down hair

Over and over let's not forget last time // I've kept the best parts and play them in my mind // This is tomorrow so take it or leave it

Empty diaries we have nothing to say // And we will take the right steps to keep these pages clean // You want the answers and I see them on your face // You need to know this is where the promise breaks

I can give you my answer

I know (I know)
If you stay (If you stay)
This will be (This will)
Ours to take (Be ours to take)

Inside I (I feel)
Am overwhelmed (So good)
From holding back (I want)
But know that this (You for all my days)
Won't be forever

I can't stay here / You can't ask me / Just so you would know

He Is Legend - "The Creature Walks"

Can you find my angel? // She crawled under the bed // I thought I saw her breathing // But found out she was dead // It's too late, it's over

Can't you feel these dreams (it's over) // Message to the queen (it's over) // The baby stops breathing (it's over) // Can't you feel these dreams? // It's over

Could you call a doctor // Who could stop by at nine? // I had planned this day for dying // But now I'm feeling fine // It's too late, it's over

Can't you feel these dreams (it's over) // Message to the queen (it's over) // The Baby stops breathing (it's over) // Can't you feel these dreams? // It's over

The Creature is walking // The Creature is...

I've got to find a new passage way (cause) // I've got to get home by Saturday // Queen to Castle, Church to Nun // What a wicked web I've spun
I've go to get home by Saturday (so) // I have to find a new passage way // I've got a car with no place to go // "How bout a little fire scarecrow?"

WAKE YOURSELF UP // You've been dreaming // About having new friends in a ghost town
Wake yourself up // You've been dreaming again // About having new friends // IN A GHOST TOWN

Can't you feel these dreams (it's over) // The Baby stops breathing (it's over) // Message to the Queen (it's over) // Can't you feel these dreams // It's over It's over It's over It's over

He Is Legend - "Dinner With A Gypsy"

Is there a place that we can go // To teach the children not to grow? // Where lovers don't remember where they met // And heartbreak is easy to forget?

Is there no love to speak of?

I'm looking for a place, looking for a place // I gotta find a new place to call home

There has to be a closer country // Where love can live near me // I've got to find it because right now // I'm not seeing clearly // There's someone knocking on my door // No one lives here anymore

Don't I know you? // You've got to believe me // We met yesterday
Don't I know you? // I don't believe this bar is closed sir
Don't I know you? (I guess I never did) // Don't I know you?

Is there a place that we can go? (Is there a place that we can go)?
To teach the children not to grow (To teach the children not to grow)
Where lovers do not remember where they met // And heartbreak is so EASY TO FORGET

There has to be a closer country // Where love can live near me // I've got to find it because right now // I'm not seeing clearly
There is someone knocking on my door // No one lives here anymore

There is no love

Poetic Night... Am I Feeling Artistic, or Do I Want To Shoot Myself In The Head With My Pen?

Blog from when I was using LiveJournal.

[	mood	|	Artistic	]
[	music	|	(in my head) Taking Back Sunday - Error Operator	]

I have about an hour of free time at school right now, so I thought I'd visit.
I had quite the poetic night last night. I don't think it was too good though. I kept getting mad. All my poetry seemed to constantly be following a similar rhyme pattern and it was driving me crazy. Here are the 'creatures.'

07/05/05
I don't have any power
I can't save anyone
I'm not worth the forever you'd wait
Because my heavy heart is weighing me down
Holding back a spring-loaded silence
Is something I've never done well
And if she sees me with someone else
Well then you'd figure
Well, I guess she'd be relieved (or proud)
Because there's someone that's right there in front of you
I'm sure his waiting is almost up
And just like me
You'd make him wait it on out
Saying "Sorry you're not the one"

07/06/05 (just after midnight) (I'm gonna title this after the time it was written)
Just After Midnight

So I'll let the silence rack up
Save it all to apologize
For a time when you'll say
"It was never your fault anyway"
But there was nothing I did
No word I should've saved
I'd spend forever alone with the taste
All for your kiss to the grave
Though you'd never give it that lightly
Oh how can you simply say
"We should just be friends"
And then how stupid I'd look
Holding out for your hands
I should have let my heart scream
The pain is what you deserve
And yet you go right on smiling
So I must do the same
In time I should hate you
For making my heart have to change
For making me smile
When all I want
Are the bitter burns of each tear
Oh I'd contemplate silence
To keep a memory so dear
I hate the stupid rhyme
Keeping up?
Well good
I figured you might turn your eye from me
Notice the hurt that you cause
NO THIS ISN'T MY FAULT
If you hate me for hurting
Hate yourself for the fall
But then you'll ignore me
A mirror
Perhaps I'll do the same
A bitter grave buried
Where the bones would have happily laid

07/06/05

Sorry that this is all so angry. I was flipping out last night. I was lucky my writing didn't go 'R' rated. It almost did. Words were almost flying.
Well, I guess I'll go now, gotta get back to class soon. I miss having you guys around.

I don't know that there's much love coming from this, but I'm sure there's much desperation.
Matt