Liars and Thieves

I miss friends. You know... Those people who were always there.
Do you remember those days when he knew he'd be the best man at my wedding, no question? Those days when I actually believed I'd get married.
It doesn't matter now, I suppose. I guess it never really did. But that's what I'm tired of. All the things that don't matter. All that we waste our lives on.

Such as this blog. Mindless self-indulgence. Selfish squabble over why I did, or didn't get my way, and what can and can't be done about it.
Quickly, someone, fetch the straight jacket.

Marriage is meant for the faithful and love is made for the lovely. Both of which, I am not.
And who's to argue and to what point and purpose? "The Pearl is gone."

So, to be done with it all.
When I started typing this, it was the twenty-second of October. That just happened to be Melanie's birthday. Who remembers such things, and why?
Happy Birthday, by the way. To you and your sister both.
I've been asking myself as of late... How do I know if I've forgiven her? Is it ever possible? I don't care very much for the thought of carrying her around for the rest of my life. And then be raised the questions... Have I forgiven myself? Is it ever even possible? But again, to what point and purpose? "The Pearl is gone."

And so again, we move on. On to the friends... On to the liars and the thieves. On to the lasting darkness.
You see, I no longer have friends. There are plenty of people that I love in this life, but there is no time spent between them and me as to which I still hold claim to calling them friend. "It's so close, but we're so far away."
And all that remains are the liars and thieves. Those who steal and cheat away our time.
Leaving us in darkness. To them I give no more... I will waste no time on love and lust and lies. I will seek after no more friendships, whether they be old and forgotten or new and undefined. There is no value to it. "The Pearl is gone," as it were.

I shall become the ghost I always should've been. I once left the ghostly life... Grew a shadow and took physical form among people whom I called friends. But they've long forgotten me, and I can't replace them.

So what do you know of silence? I know that it is a language long forgotten and I've spoke too little as of late, but I'll embrace it's ways again. Because there is no one to talk to, and there is no desire to speak.

I once dreamt of holding comfort in my arms, just as I was held as comfort in hers, but I've come to see that it is not real. There is no comfort to be found in those arms that would not be needed if it were not for those arms being found in the first place. If stress from one life can be carried by one, then who needs the stress from two lives to share with a wife?

Remember me.
(or not... It makes little difference.) The Pearl is still gone.

Blinded, Gravity and a 64 hour weekend

Eyes closed... The silence is comforting.
The blog is blind. I am blind. I have closed my eyes and turned off the monitor.

Gravity.
I am drawn to people, places and things. Does anything or anyone gravitate toward me? I have little gravity.


Life is far too busy lately. I had to move down the street to my sister's old house. It's been a hard move because first it was very short notice, and second my roommate and I work opposite schedules. Unless it's one in the morning on a school night, we're generally not home at the same time.

I woke up around 10 Friday morning. I had felt sick the day before, but kept waking up every few hours. I couldn't sleep that night. I woke up around 5 and made tea, but fell asleep while it was steeping. I woke up at 8 to warm up the tea and drink half of it. Then, about 10, I woke up and got up. I was up all day. My dad showed me what to do with the pool at the new house, Shane needed help moving a tanning bed for my sister. I moved a couple things over to the new house. Amazing how that little bit of work burns up the daylight, isn't it?
I worked Friday night until Saturday morning. Then I went home and had to kick Chris out of bed, which didn't work, so I fell asleep. about an hour later my dad and brother showed up for no apparent reason. Just a surprise good morning. I woke Chris up again, and it took several hours to get him to help with moving my bed.
So the bed was in the new house, but not much else.
Well, then I moved more stuff, and took care of the pool.
I went to visit Amanda who was in town from New York.
Then I went to work for Saturday night--nine to seven.
So... I got off Sunday morning and met up with my brother for breakfast. He was leaving town, so we wanted to get some time to chat. Two hours later, I left to head home. I got home, tried to get some stuff together to go to the new house and make my bed, but ended up just falling asleep on the couch. I woke up three hours later when I missed a phone call from someone from work letting me know that she would switch shifts with me. She'd work my two o'clock shift and I'd work her five o'clock shift.
Well that was good, considering I hadn't set an alarm, I never would have made it to work at two considering she woke me up around 1.
I worked from five until nine and then went to Wal-mart for a short visit. Chris was waiting for me to get home so that we could move some stuff. After Wal-mart I stopped by Derek and Crystal's house just because I wanted to say hi. I hadn't seen them in a while, and last week I sent Derek a note written in the hand of my friend Bradley. They have a computer programming class together.
So I said hi, talked with Derek and Crystal for a little while, and then went home extremely frustrated and tired.
Chris was acting like a wife who's husband wasn't home on time.
He was mad a Derek for God only knows what. He keeps going on about how Derek hates him, but he's supposed to be his best friend. I was like "have you talked to him? Just go over and say Hey, that's what I did."
I moved some more of my stuff, but by the time Chris was ready to move furniture it was about two in the morning.
He let me go to sleep.

64 hours... maybe 5 hours of sleep... I slept in.

Now I have to go though. I have an economics test in a little over an hour, and I'd like to read over a few more terms.

Distant, Vacant, and Void
matthew shane