Current mood:
sleepyCategory: Friends
Okay, well I wrote a friend the other day, and in rereading the message, I have decided that with a couple changes, it would make a very nice blog. So here it is. And this is now not only an invitation to the friend I sent it to, but to all of my friends. Although at the moment I might not be the best person to give advice, but I've never been good at giving advice. But I am very good at listening, and sometimes that is most of what people need.
"Your Face Here"
Matt
(Listening to Mae, "(Destination: B-Sides)" since the music search isn't working....)
PS. I warned her to read with an open mind... so maybe I should warn you the same way. There may be different ways of seeing and understanding some of what I'm saying, so please, just read with an open mind.
Dear Friends
I don't know exactly what is going on, but I think I know how you feel (and hey, so does everybody else, so that doesn't make me special or anything I know...).
Well I feel helpless.... because I'm not there, and I can't prove to you that some people really do care...
But I live out here all alone... (seriously, it's about a mile before there's another house, and I don't even know those people) I don't get phone reception inside the house (and oddly enough, or maybe it's irony, but I feel like I'm throwing myself to the wolves and / or coyotes if I go outside)
So right now, I need to be doing homework, but I find myself here, letting you know that you can email me or call me (or try to call me) any time you feel lonely or feel.... anything.... whenever you feel in colors and not words.
That's how I feel lately. I can't express anything in words anymore. I used to write so much poetry, but now all I have are colors or feelings without words.... (does that make sense?)
Lately I feel like my friends are all against me, and that God is hardly there for me... but I know it's a lie... it's gotta be.
No matter how much I want the things of this world, they will never satisfy me, and I'm really having a hard time accepting that. Not like drugs or things like that, but the social things of this world. I can't explain to you how hard it is to not just jump out and try to kiss random girls that I know.... and it's not cause I have special feelings for them... it's because 1, I've never kissed and I'm curious.... and 2 because the devil wants to take everything that I have.
Yeah, so I don't have problems with drugs or lying or stealing or swearing....... Loneliness is my problem... I simply want to be able to hold someone close.... and lately I've been feeling like I don't care who it is....but I know that I do care...
I wrote this the other day (one of the few, short attempts at writing recently)
"If you let me,
I will take a hold of you
But know that when this heat has passed
We'll be nothing but an awkward silence"
I didn't write it about anyone in particular.... I just wrote it about .... well, the feeling I have about half the girls I walk past.... .... I just have sudden impulses to slightly move and end up forcing someone to walk straight into a kiss.... really stupid, and probably nearly impossible, I know, but that's how I've been feeling, and that's one urge I've been having to fight lately.
The other day, I wasn't really paying attention, and I was just sitting there staring at someone. I can't explain it, I was just fascinated by the way she moved, rocking back and forth.... it was.... (a color... I don't really have any words to describe) but whatever it was, it was beautiful and graceful and wonderfully magnificent, but then when I realized that I was just staring at her.... I felt convicted.... like it was something I shouldn't have been doing, and then my mind started fighting my heart .... my human nature vs. my spiritual guidance..... There was a part of me that found beauty in it.... and there is a part of me.... an animal somewhere in me that finds...... I don't have words again... but something.... terrible....something evil..... (I'm ashamed to say)
And that's how I know that God hasn't turned away from me.....
There wouldn't be such a powerful evil fighting for us if there wasn't a good fighting for us as well. (logically, in a battle with no enemy, there will be no conflict)
I'm human.... and I guess that's the best way to explain it.... but recently I've been a little odd....I've been I don't know.... it seems my human nature has been beating out my spiritual guidance lately.
One of my greatest gifts from God is an ability to see beauty.... in everything and in everyone..... and often times, seeing it makes me so sad because it isn't seen. It isn't noticed, and I have no way to tell people that it's there... I see girls, who people might call "sluts" or "freaks" or whatever people want to call them.... the girls that are so-called "undesirable" but I see such beauty in them... through their eyes. I can see their hearts.... and I feel so sad because they don't appreciate the beauty that they have... they might not even know they have it.
But it always seems that these girls turn to guys to feel good. They cling to guys who might find them attractive, or maybe just guys who are using them for sexual purposes.... I hate those guys, and it kills me to think that I am simply a touch away from becoming that animal..... I am so evil.... and so powerless against it..... and lately, because I felt like God was giving up on me, I started giving up on him, and now I know that I really don't have any power to fight this evil....
I feel like I could cure the world..... like I could just hold every girl close and tell her that she's beautiful, and worth more than the world.... but I can't cure anything.... and odd thing is.... I don't think people want to be cured of their helplessness.... it seems that they want to wallow in their feelings of ugliness and worthlessness.... and draw attention to themselves.... and so my showing true care for them would .......
... I don't know, but I guess I'm rambling now....
I'm sorry.... I just started typing and wow.... I guess I had a lot to spill... I haven't really "talked" to anyone in a long time.... I haven't told anyone what's going on.
Anyway, I feel like I'm this dream guy, that any girl should want to die to be with.... but I guess most girls don't give guys like me a second thought. And the girls who know me know that I'm a great guy, but for some reason they don't want to be close....
And so, yeah, girls are angels from God, but I swear God made them out of 2% Adam, 3% earth dust, and 95% ash from the deepest reaches of Hell where even Satan doesn't dare venture.... and yet I still can't escape my admiration for them (btw, that was a joke).... Yeah, just kidding, I love girls... If I could, all my friends would be girls, and I would hang out with girls all the time (I'm emotional, and tend to relate to girls better than guys)... but I can't seem to do that.... (especially out here.... in Jacksonville I had like, girl to guy friends, probably 2 or 3 to 1, out here it's probably like 1 to 4)
Anyway, rambling again..... So I'm gonna go get to my homework and stop wasting your time. But seriously, I'm always available to listen and read (or at least my heart is willing, I can't escape school and work and stuff, but if I had my choice, people would take priority) but feel free to email me or call any time, day or night...
A friend who truly cares (and doesn't have the ability to not care about others)
Matt
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