I'm laying on a wall, at the bottom of the hill, just outside the dungeon. I've been meaning to post a blog for a couple weeks now, and I've just been so busy or so tired or so uninspired to write anything... So here I lie ("in the belly of a shark") at the bottom of the hill, laying on a wall outside the dungeon. Perhaps I'm waiting on someone, but possibly not.
I was going to post a blog entitled "So... I Met a Girl???" implying confusion toward the fact that I was unsure about the feelings I had about this meeting, or its eventual outcome. Well, it is that very female that is the subject that I may or may not be waiting on this very wall for.
I've wanted to write a poem lately, but the most I could think of to write was simply "this is dangerous" and that is already well placed in a song called Mindfields by The Prodigy. And so ends the story of sitting on a wall.
So now it's two days later, and... That's that.
So Monday afternoon I was laying on a wall, waiting on someone who never came. I met her parents that night at the Jazz Band concert. She plays the trumpet. A group of us tried going out to eat, but she was rear-ended on the highway, and that pretty much killed the plans to eat. I ate several hours later with one of her best friends. Oddly enough, I spend more time with her best friend and talk more with her best friend than I do with her.
Last night I went to see Twilight with her best friend and James. It was quite a 5th grade giggle-fest - the movie was. But it did inspire me to purchase the book.
I agree with my roommate that just about any two episodes of Smallville would make a better movie, but that doesn't mean that the movie was terrible... Rather... It was cheesy.
Anyway, today has been a tough day for me. I hate text messages and the relationships that they ruin.
So back to "her." We were texting this afternoon, and I was trying to apologize for things being the way they are, but I had no real way of explaining that. Well tonight, around midnight, I finally told her that there wouldn't be anything between us. I didn't tell her why, I just said there wouldn't.
I didn't want to hurt her by telling her that my reasoning for giving up on persuing a relationship with her was because she's not ready for a serious relationship. I couldn't ever have a serious conversation with her about "us." I think she was too caught up in a fascination that someone liked her that she didn't consider how she really felt about me. I know I've made similar mistakes, but... Now it makes me wonder.
This hurts... It hurts a lot.
It's a broken heart all over again, and it makes me realize that I let myself become way too attached to her. We weren't ever anything but friends, really.
Ironically, waiting on a wall at the bottom of a hill for someone who never arrives is the perfect parallel for this story. I was really excited, thinking there was something, but then it turns out that I have to tell her that it isn't going to work. Sad, really, that I had to tell her that it wasn't going to work. Sad because it's almost like waiting on a wall and then calling the person you're waiting on and telling them that they're not going to come meet you, and then they simply agree with you. It would be nice if people would call and let you know they weren't coming to meet you, rather than you pointing out to them that you've figured it out before they have that they're not coming.
I'm sorry I seem so frustrated by this. I am. I really really like this girl, and... This really hurts. We've been hanging out for nearly a month, knowing we both had feelings for each other, and having the intention of getting to the point where we would go out, but I was waiting to meet her parents, because the first thing I ever heard them say about me was that I was too old. She's 18 and in college, I'm 22. I knew if I met them that they wouldn't have any problems with me, and so I've been trying to find a chance to meet them so that then I could ask them if I could ask her out. Well, I finally met them, but didn't really get to talk to them or anything. It was more simply just "this is Mom, Dad, and so-on," and then they ran out to dinner.
I hate this so much. I had finally reached a place in life where I was perfectly content being single and living alone, and then in flies a wildcard. Why?
I'm not doing this again. No wonder I stayed single most of my life. See, we all think it's because I'm a nerd, and I'm quiet and shy, but in all subconscious truth it's because my heart doesn't want to be broken and it's just protecting itself. I'm not opening my heart again... It hurts too much. It's not worth opening. Even when it's not their intention, I'm the one who ends up hurt. I do everything I possibly can in an attempt to not hurt them, and in the end, it just breaks my heart again...
Well I'm not doing it again.
Good Morning. Happy Thanksgiving.
I'll now post this blog that I started typing on Monday, continued on Wednesday, and finished Thursday morning.
Thank you for reading my dull and pointless blog. I suppose now it's really nothing, but I thank you if you take the time to read it.
I'm thankful that I met Brittany, and her friends, Teena, and Rachel (I didn't mention Rachel in this blog). I'm thankful that I have a good roommate even though I'm not good to him as often as I should be. I think the reason I find it so difficult to live with someone is because I'm so selfish. I'm sorry that I'm so selfish. I work on it. I try not to be... But still, I am.
I'm thankful for my friend Chris and her mother who are helping me to apply to the University of West Florida. I'm thankful for the opportunity I've been given to play piano again. I'm even grateful that I have a job in there hard times. Even if I absolutely hate that job. I'm thankful to God for offering so many blessings that I don't deserve.
And last, I'm thankful for you. You are all blessings that I don't deserve. Thank you.
