Well, I was thinking a little while ago that I wasn't going to blog today, after all. I was tired and trying to get to sleep and really didn't have much to say. But then I found there was too much on my mind to sleep and so I prayed and then got up to talk to a friend. And so this blog is for her. She's studying, and so to save her from interruptions, I decide I'd write this, and then I wouldn't be disturbing her but I'd be clearing my mind.
I guess it's times when my mind is troubled that I start thinking about mistakes I've made.
One person always comes to mind and it's nice to know it's not who you'd expect.
She comes to mind for two reasons... And I can't exactly just state those reasons. They go hand in hand. She's that best friend whom I always wish to talk to when I'm troubled and it seems that some mistakes I've made have actually been talking to her.
Not to say that it was bad to talk to her, I just know that I've spoken with her and what I had to say concerning my mistakes threw her for an emotional loop. She's told me that she was glad that I spoke with her, but it just caught her off guard and she didn't know how to handle it.
So I guess after explaining that I can state my two reasons as first, she's the first person I always think to call and I can confide in her when I'm troubled, and second, she is one of those mistakes that I've made, and yet she still does her best to be there for me.
There's a part of me that really wishes I didn't have feelings for her. I know she knows that I have feelings for her, but I hate for her to be burdened with it, if that makes sense. She just seems to smile and say "that's what friends are for."
I say seems because I've never actually seen her response, and I actually haven't seen her period for nearly a year. I just assume that that's her reaction. She's the soft smile type of person.
Another reason I wish I didn't have feelings for her is because whenever I meet a girl... No matter how interested or hopeful I am, there always seems to be a part of me holding out, hoping for a miracle to work out with my friend.
I could never deserve her. But she knows all my mistakes and flaws... And she still loves me (as a friend). I think she thinks of me more as a big brother, anyway.
She's always encouraging me though. Telling me about the girl that God is raising for me in His time. I'm always wishing that it could be her... And I feel like that's wrong of me. I don't deserve her.
I guess I wait. I don't need to be worrying about it now anyway. I have other priorities now. And as the Bible says, we can't serve two masters. So I need to keep my focus forward now so that I can focus on a "her" in the future and take good care of her.
I really need to get to sleep. I have to be up and headed out of the room by 0400.
I've been listening to a couple cds pretty regularly in this time before leaving.
mewithoutYou's Brother, Sister and Catch For Us The Foxes, but less than Brother, Sister.
Jonezetta's Cruel To Be Young
As Cities Burn's new cd Hell or High Water.
And don't forget to pick up and enjoy mewithoutYou's new cd "It's all Crazy! It's all False! It's all a Dream! It's Alright." You have to pick it up for me on May 19 since I'll be in Basic Training (assuming I wake up in the morning). So you have to promise to get it and enjoy it for me. Okay?!
Goodbye for now.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Picture
Picture
20090422 (20:40)
I write a thousand words, a thousand words
Just tryin' to find
Just tryin' to find you
This is me when I am blind
And I'm just tryin' to
Tryin' to find
Slowly seized by fear
The sea and the land are drawing near
This is it for
Is it for us
We are Disasters
Stranded all alone
I just wanna get away
I'm going home
Don't you see that this is it for
Is it for us
We are Disasters!
I never, never ran, ran for cover from the rain
I only, only ever, ever let my spirits soar
If this was, this was never, never going to end
Then it shouldn't shouldn't be crashing
I wrote a thousand words, a thousand words
Just tryin' to, tryin' to reach you
But you were never
You were never there
And this is me without my eyes
Just tryin' to, tryin' to reach...
Slowly gripped by terror with the ocean down
The shore is just around the corner now
Slowly, slowly gripped by terror
The ocean just around the corner
And this is it for, this is it for
Is it for you
We are Disasters!
I never, never ran for cover from the rain
I only ever saw you in the softest, softest light
I remember every, every time I write a thousand words
I could only never, never find
This is it for
Is it for us
This is it for
Is it for
Write a thousand words
Write a thousand words
(Three diverge to four)
Right a thousand words
Right a thousand words
(Two are merging to one)
Ev'rything's just addition
Ev'rything's just addition
And in it all I'm a subtraction
Write a thousand words!
This is it for, is...
I never, never ran, ran for cover!
Now it's time for you to understand
I wrote a thousand words, a thousand words
And everything is, everything is always, always faded here
And so I'm gone
Gone
Gone
This is blame and I am
Gone
Gone
Gone
We are still disasters.
Technically... it's only 342 words, but I wasn't speaking literally about writing 1000 words. I thought about it though. It would've been a nice touch of irony.
I can't exactly explain what it's about.
I can, I guess.
The girl I mentioned who was ignoring me last weekend. Well she ignored me this weekend too. Then I dropped a book and a cd off at her house as a gift because I honestly didn't expect to see her again before I left for the Air Force. Later that night I finally heard from her. She said thank you.
After very little conversation that night and the next morning, the last thing I heard from her was basically saying that She said what it was in the beginning and that since I wasn't going to keep it that way, she distanced herself from me.
So, rather than fighting with her about the fact that it's all my fault and she didn't make any mistakes, lead me on, or allow me to believe that we were actually working together and looking forward to something that we couldn't see or comprehend yet, I just haven't spoken to her since.
I can't say I have no desire to speak with her, because that's a lie...
But I'm not going to speak with her.
I'm in a very bad mood lately.
I care about very little.
Mainly, I care about finding a way to see the Webbs before I leave, and leaving itself. A few other things, or people on my mind are two Amandas-One a "Marie" and the other a "Kay," Josiah, and leaving.
Yes, I just want to leave.
This poem is not about being in the Air Force and wanting to leave and come home. The line saying "I'm going home" is actually referring to how I want out of where I am and I want to find MY home.
Anyway, take it anyway you'd like.
I'll probably write one more blog on my way up to MEPS Monday and that'll be all you get.
Not that there are very many of you reading my crappy drama anyway.
Hopefully I'll get back to writing more poetry and less stupid stories about how some amazing girl finds a way to hurt me.
I was really excited about this one... She seemed... We seemed to go so well together when we weren't quarreling over something stupid. And the way we apologized and forgave each other for the stupid fights was amazing too. It really seemed... She... I was really excited about it.
But now I'm really excited about this poem and leaving.
20090422 (20:40)
I write a thousand words, a thousand words
Just tryin' to find
Just tryin' to find you
This is me when I am blind
And I'm just tryin' to
Tryin' to find
Slowly seized by fear
The sea and the land are drawing near
This is it for
Is it for us
We are Disasters
Stranded all alone
I just wanna get away
I'm going home
Don't you see that this is it for
Is it for us
We are Disasters!
I never, never ran, ran for cover from the rain
I only, only ever, ever let my spirits soar
If this was, this was never, never going to end
Then it shouldn't shouldn't be crashing
I wrote a thousand words, a thousand words
Just tryin' to, tryin' to reach you
But you were never
You were never there
And this is me without my eyes
Just tryin' to, tryin' to reach...
Slowly gripped by terror with the ocean down
The shore is just around the corner now
Slowly, slowly gripped by terror
The ocean just around the corner
And this is it for, this is it for
Is it for you
We are Disasters!
I never, never ran for cover from the rain
I only ever saw you in the softest, softest light
I remember every, every time I write a thousand words
I could only never, never find
This is it for
Is it for us
This is it for
Is it for
Write a thousand words
Write a thousand words
(Three diverge to four)
Right a thousand words
Right a thousand words
(Two are merging to one)
Ev'rything's just addition
Ev'rything's just addition
And in it all I'm a subtraction
Write a thousand words!
This is it for, is...
I never, never ran, ran for cover!
Now it's time for you to understand
I wrote a thousand words, a thousand words
And everything is, everything is always, always faded here
And so I'm gone
Gone
Gone
This is blame and I am
Gone
Gone
Gone
We are still disasters.
Technically... it's only 342 words, but I wasn't speaking literally about writing 1000 words. I thought about it though. It would've been a nice touch of irony.
I can't exactly explain what it's about.
I can, I guess.
The girl I mentioned who was ignoring me last weekend. Well she ignored me this weekend too. Then I dropped a book and a cd off at her house as a gift because I honestly didn't expect to see her again before I left for the Air Force. Later that night I finally heard from her. She said thank you.
After very little conversation that night and the next morning, the last thing I heard from her was basically saying that She said what it was in the beginning and that since I wasn't going to keep it that way, she distanced herself from me.
So, rather than fighting with her about the fact that it's all my fault and she didn't make any mistakes, lead me on, or allow me to believe that we were actually working together and looking forward to something that we couldn't see or comprehend yet, I just haven't spoken to her since.
I can't say I have no desire to speak with her, because that's a lie...
But I'm not going to speak with her.
I'm in a very bad mood lately.
I care about very little.
Mainly, I care about finding a way to see the Webbs before I leave, and leaving itself. A few other things, or people on my mind are two Amandas-One a "Marie" and the other a "Kay," Josiah, and leaving.
Yes, I just want to leave.
This poem is not about being in the Air Force and wanting to leave and come home. The line saying "I'm going home" is actually referring to how I want out of where I am and I want to find MY home.
Anyway, take it anyway you'd like.
I'll probably write one more blog on my way up to MEPS Monday and that'll be all you get.
Not that there are very many of you reading my crappy drama anyway.
Hopefully I'll get back to writing more poetry and less stupid stories about how some amazing girl finds a way to hurt me.
I was really excited about this one... She seemed... We seemed to go so well together when we weren't quarreling over something stupid. And the way we apologized and forgave each other for the stupid fights was amazing too. It really seemed... She... I was really excited about it.
But now I'm really excited about this poem and leaving.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
***!!!!Address Book Crunch Time!!!!***
Okay everyone.
I can't guarantee that I'll be able to keep in touch very well while in Basic, but I still need contact information. The only call I know for a fact that I can make is to call my parents the first Sunday I'm there to tell them my address. Other than that, I know I can send letters... but I don't know how much time I'll have to write them. So please be aware that I may not keep in contact well, and I apologize.
If I'm able, I will find a way to get my address posted somewhere so that you can write me. I'm looking forward to receiving letters while I'm in Basic Training. I have eight weeks of it. So even if I can't write back right away, please know that I do want to hear from you.
But now is the time to get me your address so that I can keep them in my notepad which will become my "address book" for the time being.
You know how to contact me.
I leave on the 27th.
So you have a deadline, and it's coming up FAST!!!
I can't guarantee that I'll be able to keep in touch very well while in Basic, but I still need contact information. The only call I know for a fact that I can make is to call my parents the first Sunday I'm there to tell them my address. Other than that, I know I can send letters... but I don't know how much time I'll have to write them. So please be aware that I may not keep in contact well, and I apologize.
If I'm able, I will find a way to get my address posted somewhere so that you can write me. I'm looking forward to receiving letters while I'm in Basic Training. I have eight weeks of it. So even if I can't write back right away, please know that I do want to hear from you.
But now is the time to get me your address so that I can keep them in my notepad which will become my "address book" for the time being.
You know how to contact me.
I leave on the 27th.
So you have a deadline, and it's coming up FAST!!!
Sunday, April 12, 2009
God's Success in My Disasterous Disappoinments
Today started out to find a very depressed me.
I was invited to go to a concert with some friends, but it wasn't the concert I wanted to go to.
I was invited to go see Lecrae and Lincoln Brewster at a free concert. A Christian rapper and a worship artist. I WANTED to go see Hollywood Undead and Framing Hanley. Hollywood Undead is a hardcore rap group who all wear masks and the main focus of all of their songs cover three main topic... Sex, Drugs and... Yeah... Alcohol... and money I guess... Extremely crude, but a lot of their music is quite catchy... and I generally hate rap. Framing Hanley is a punk/rock/emo type band I was really interested in seeing. They named themselves in honor of a friend who had died in a car accident.
I wanted to go to the free concert, but I was far more interested in the other.
I was depressed...
Ha...
I was depressed this morning because of exactly what I said in the last blog. :-)
Pathetic.
The girl mentioned in the last bog was going to the Hollywood/Hanley show. She told me Friday as she was headed to pick up tickets. I asked if I could join her and I haven't heard from her since. Anyway... I was pretty upset. I didn't feel I was imposing on her. I told her to feel free to say no. I wanted to go, but I didn't want to feel like I was following her, so I wanted to ask her if it was okay.
Anyway, as I said... I still haven't heard from her.
Well, this morning... as well as yesterday... I woke up with a Terrible sinus headache. I was depressed because I hadn't heard back from her... let's call her Rose, just to give her a name and keep her (mostly) anonymous. So I hadn't heard from her, I was extremely disappointed... my head hurt... My friend Amanda, who was supposed to call me last night, but didn't, called me this morning. I talked to her and told her very breifly about Rose. She said that I should just talk to Rose... which... although a good idea, was a fatally flawed idea in that... I still have yet to hear from Rose. "Oh well."
I wasn't feeling much better after getting off the phone with Amanda, but I was a bit more encouraged to join some other friends at this free concert. A very TINY bit... not really enought to get me out of bed.
All I wanted to do was curl up in my covers and be depressed.
I called my friend Quig who had invited me and told him how I felt and that I wanted to go, but just didn't think I'd make it... but... I might. If for some reason I changed my mind in the next five minutes, I'd have time to jump out of bed and make it to the meeting place to car pool.
I looked for all the excuses I could to make myself get up and go...
I just wanted out of the house and away from my "lonely" head. Honestly... I wanted to isolate myself and curl up in bed and do nothing. But I knew that that isn't what I truly wanted. I wanted to enjoy the little bit of time I had without focusing on being ignored by some girl.
I popped in Family Force 5's "Dance or Die" cd and got my myself a bit more up-beat. The plans weren't in stone, so I huridly grabbed a bag and tossed in my swimsuit, a towel, shoes, a sweater, a hat... We might go to the beach, we might go to the mall... it was up in the air. I quickly got ready and bolted out the door.
Gotta LOVE Dancin' or Dyin'.
They called me as I was pulling out of the driveway with a final check on my status. I was late and they were about ready to get going. Luckily, I live right around the corner from the church were we were meeting. I rushed over there... waited on several stupid drivers... and finally parked.
We were on the road.
My mind was still disappointed and hurt by Rose, and I really kinda hoped that she'd just lost her phone... or something.
Well, we listened to music and I read a couple pages in Twilight on the way down to Panama City. When we reached the mall, Quig and I went toward FYE and Family Christian Store, while the other two from the car went their own way. They're dating, and not a huge part of the story today, so I won't list their names. I'll just cover details as they're needed.
Not too much of interest in FYE, but there was a great Easter Sale going on at Family Christian Store and I picked up a few things. Mainly, great deals (like $6.99 or $8.99) on just about every cd in my now listening list below as I've listened through just about ever cd while typing this blog. I also picked up a Jeff Allen DVD. Testimony and comedy act. He is amazingly hilarious and has such a wonderful testimony. I believe his wife also shows up on the DVD, and since his testimony includes him destroying his family to the point where she moved out and they were 10 minutes from finalizing their divorce before things turned around on the long hard road of recovery. You'll enjoy him, I promise. Jeff Allen. Check him out.
We ate lunch there at the mall... I've been eating TONS of food lately. I've kind of been forcing myself, but still. From Chick-fil-A, I ate a 3 piece chicken strip meal, a bacon and cheese chicken sandwich, and half the box of fries.
We found our way to the amphatheatre where the concert would be and we met up with the others who left as I was arriving at the meeting place this morning. I sat there reading Twilight for a while, and then five of us went to walk around Pier Park.
It was fun.
Coming back to the concert, I soon realized that there was no Lincoln Brewster. It was completely a rap concert. I wasn't really too into that, but watched anyway. I separated myself from everyone else and moved back behind the crowd. It was plenty loud enough.
Lecrae was GREAT!!! He touched my heart and surprised me in a great way. His cd I bought there, after the concert.
Right as he started, he explained the title for his newest cd, "Rebel." He explained that typically this is a negative word, and I'll try my best to repeat his explaination as to how it became his album title.
Lecrae said a rebel is 'one who refuses allegiance to, resists, or rises against control or tradition. One who participates in organized resistance.' He was reading about the Israelites in the desert with Moses and read how they rebelled against God. But it wasn't that they hated God... that wasn't the rebellion. They didn't hate God, they loved sin. So they rebelled. They turned their backs on and resisted God and chased after what they loved and desired.
So then he explained that he was reading in the Psalms and David says "Goodness and mercy shall pursue me all of my days" (emphasis added). Lecrae said "Wai wai wai wai wai... Wait. Pursue? Now isn't pursue typically a negative word as well, as in something being hunted down?" So he decided that if David could flip around some words, surely he could as well.
So he said would rebel and become a rebel. If rebelling was simply turning your back and resisting while chasing after something you loved and desired...
Then he would chase after God and turn his back on sin. Redefining a repel as 'one who lives a lifestyle unashamed of Jesus Christ, no longer conforming to the patterns of this world.'
He then started with the performance of a song called Rebel Intro and a line caught my ear right there at the start. A VERY powerful line which I did my best to jot down. It was something close to:
"Jesus is the Truth, so one of us is VERY Wrong!"
It was amazing. The whole show he put on. Although he is a talented performer, I still didn't particulary enjoy the rap... but I absolutely LOVED the message he was offering. One song titled "Don't Waste Your Life" described how so many of us live our lives to make a paycheck or to reach a status, just seeking the approval of this world and to be rewarded with worldly things. The chorus was simply, and yet amazing. Simply repeating the title or some variation of it.
Although, what I've heard of the cd so far is quite well produced, his voice live was very rough and raw and probably just what I needed to hear.
Another message he gave between songs was that we are all in a 'hell', whether it be "fat people hell, boredom hell,..." those are the only two specifics I remember. They were the first two he listed. But he said we're all seeking... loking for that 10 minute wait loss magazine cover, or pills to lose weight, or alcohol or drugs or clubs to save us from our boredom. We are all seeking a "Functional Savior." Something that works as a temporary distraction.
I was nearly in tears at several points during his show.
He told a story about his family. He lived with two women; his wife, and his daughter of four months. Then he moved on to his one year-old son. He said his son was pathetic. He couldn't feed himself, change himself, move himself... He was just pathetic. Makes a mess of everything he tries to do on his own. But he was Great, 'positionally'. He had a Father who fed him, changed him, moved him in the right direction... So, opperationally, he was pathetic, but positionally he was set.
And so are we, pathetic. We can't do ANYTHING!!! But luckily... Positionally, we have a Father who knows everything we need and will take care of our every need.
How true, and how amazing.
I knew I wanted to go to that concert. I didn't know what forced me to make myself go... after debating with myself for a couple hours. I knew there was something I didn't want to miss.
There's more left on my heart to say, but I'll end simply with Happy Easter.
I shall return.
I was invited to go to a concert with some friends, but it wasn't the concert I wanted to go to.
I was invited to go see Lecrae and Lincoln Brewster at a free concert. A Christian rapper and a worship artist. I WANTED to go see Hollywood Undead and Framing Hanley. Hollywood Undead is a hardcore rap group who all wear masks and the main focus of all of their songs cover three main topic... Sex, Drugs and... Yeah... Alcohol... and money I guess... Extremely crude, but a lot of their music is quite catchy... and I generally hate rap. Framing Hanley is a punk/rock/emo type band I was really interested in seeing. They named themselves in honor of a friend who had died in a car accident.
I wanted to go to the free concert, but I was far more interested in the other.
I was depressed...
Ha...
I was depressed this morning because of exactly what I said in the last blog. :-)
Pathetic.
The girl mentioned in the last bog was going to the Hollywood/Hanley show. She told me Friday as she was headed to pick up tickets. I asked if I could join her and I haven't heard from her since. Anyway... I was pretty upset. I didn't feel I was imposing on her. I told her to feel free to say no. I wanted to go, but I didn't want to feel like I was following her, so I wanted to ask her if it was okay.
Anyway, as I said... I still haven't heard from her.
Well, this morning... as well as yesterday... I woke up with a Terrible sinus headache. I was depressed because I hadn't heard back from her... let's call her Rose, just to give her a name and keep her (mostly) anonymous. So I hadn't heard from her, I was extremely disappointed... my head hurt... My friend Amanda, who was supposed to call me last night, but didn't, called me this morning. I talked to her and told her very breifly about Rose. She said that I should just talk to Rose... which... although a good idea, was a fatally flawed idea in that... I still have yet to hear from Rose. "Oh well."
I wasn't feeling much better after getting off the phone with Amanda, but I was a bit more encouraged to join some other friends at this free concert. A very TINY bit... not really enought to get me out of bed.
All I wanted to do was curl up in my covers and be depressed.
I called my friend Quig who had invited me and told him how I felt and that I wanted to go, but just didn't think I'd make it... but... I might. If for some reason I changed my mind in the next five minutes, I'd have time to jump out of bed and make it to the meeting place to car pool.
I looked for all the excuses I could to make myself get up and go...
I just wanted out of the house and away from my "lonely" head. Honestly... I wanted to isolate myself and curl up in bed and do nothing. But I knew that that isn't what I truly wanted. I wanted to enjoy the little bit of time I had without focusing on being ignored by some girl.
I popped in Family Force 5's "Dance or Die" cd and got my myself a bit more up-beat. The plans weren't in stone, so I huridly grabbed a bag and tossed in my swimsuit, a towel, shoes, a sweater, a hat... We might go to the beach, we might go to the mall... it was up in the air. I quickly got ready and bolted out the door.
Gotta LOVE Dancin' or Dyin'.
They called me as I was pulling out of the driveway with a final check on my status. I was late and they were about ready to get going. Luckily, I live right around the corner from the church were we were meeting. I rushed over there... waited on several stupid drivers... and finally parked.
We were on the road.
My mind was still disappointed and hurt by Rose, and I really kinda hoped that she'd just lost her phone... or something.
Well, we listened to music and I read a couple pages in Twilight on the way down to Panama City. When we reached the mall, Quig and I went toward FYE and Family Christian Store, while the other two from the car went their own way. They're dating, and not a huge part of the story today, so I won't list their names. I'll just cover details as they're needed.
Not too much of interest in FYE, but there was a great Easter Sale going on at Family Christian Store and I picked up a few things. Mainly, great deals (like $6.99 or $8.99) on just about every cd in my now listening list below as I've listened through just about ever cd while typing this blog. I also picked up a Jeff Allen DVD. Testimony and comedy act. He is amazingly hilarious and has such a wonderful testimony. I believe his wife also shows up on the DVD, and since his testimony includes him destroying his family to the point where she moved out and they were 10 minutes from finalizing their divorce before things turned around on the long hard road of recovery. You'll enjoy him, I promise. Jeff Allen. Check him out.
We ate lunch there at the mall... I've been eating TONS of food lately. I've kind of been forcing myself, but still. From Chick-fil-A, I ate a 3 piece chicken strip meal, a bacon and cheese chicken sandwich, and half the box of fries.
We found our way to the amphatheatre where the concert would be and we met up with the others who left as I was arriving at the meeting place this morning. I sat there reading Twilight for a while, and then five of us went to walk around Pier Park.
It was fun.
Coming back to the concert, I soon realized that there was no Lincoln Brewster. It was completely a rap concert. I wasn't really too into that, but watched anyway. I separated myself from everyone else and moved back behind the crowd. It was plenty loud enough.
Lecrae was GREAT!!! He touched my heart and surprised me in a great way. His cd I bought there, after the concert.
Right as he started, he explained the title for his newest cd, "Rebel." He explained that typically this is a negative word, and I'll try my best to repeat his explaination as to how it became his album title.
Lecrae said a rebel is 'one who refuses allegiance to, resists, or rises against control or tradition. One who participates in organized resistance.' He was reading about the Israelites in the desert with Moses and read how they rebelled against God. But it wasn't that they hated God... that wasn't the rebellion. They didn't hate God, they loved sin. So they rebelled. They turned their backs on and resisted God and chased after what they loved and desired.
So then he explained that he was reading in the Psalms and David says "Goodness and mercy shall pursue me all of my days" (emphasis added). Lecrae said "Wai wai wai wai wai... Wait. Pursue? Now isn't pursue typically a negative word as well, as in something being hunted down?" So he decided that if David could flip around some words, surely he could as well.
So he said would rebel and become a rebel. If rebelling was simply turning your back and resisting while chasing after something you loved and desired...
Then he would chase after God and turn his back on sin. Redefining a repel as 'one who lives a lifestyle unashamed of Jesus Christ, no longer conforming to the patterns of this world.'
He then started with the performance of a song called Rebel Intro and a line caught my ear right there at the start. A VERY powerful line which I did my best to jot down. It was something close to:
"Jesus is the Truth, so one of us is VERY Wrong!"
It was amazing. The whole show he put on. Although he is a talented performer, I still didn't particulary enjoy the rap... but I absolutely LOVED the message he was offering. One song titled "Don't Waste Your Life" described how so many of us live our lives to make a paycheck or to reach a status, just seeking the approval of this world and to be rewarded with worldly things. The chorus was simply, and yet amazing. Simply repeating the title or some variation of it.
Although, what I've heard of the cd so far is quite well produced, his voice live was very rough and raw and probably just what I needed to hear.
Another message he gave between songs was that we are all in a 'hell', whether it be "fat people hell, boredom hell,..." those are the only two specifics I remember. They were the first two he listed. But he said we're all seeking... loking for that 10 minute wait loss magazine cover, or pills to lose weight, or alcohol or drugs or clubs to save us from our boredom. We are all seeking a "Functional Savior." Something that works as a temporary distraction.
I was nearly in tears at several points during his show.
He told a story about his family. He lived with two women; his wife, and his daughter of four months. Then he moved on to his one year-old son. He said his son was pathetic. He couldn't feed himself, change himself, move himself... He was just pathetic. Makes a mess of everything he tries to do on his own. But he was Great, 'positionally'. He had a Father who fed him, changed him, moved him in the right direction... So, opperationally, he was pathetic, but positionally he was set.
And so are we, pathetic. We can't do ANYTHING!!! But luckily... Positionally, we have a Father who knows everything we need and will take care of our every need.
How true, and how amazing.
I knew I wanted to go to that concert. I didn't know what forced me to make myself go... after debating with myself for a couple hours. I knew there was something I didn't want to miss.
There's more left on my heart to say, but I'll end simply with Happy Easter.
I shall return.
 | Currently listening: My Paper Heart By: Francesca Battistelli Release date: 2008-07-22 |
| Currently listening: Canvas Tears By: The Contact Release date: 2007-09-25 |
 | Currently listening: The End Is Not the End By: House Of Heroes Release date: 2009-03-03 |
 | Currently listening: Rebel By: Lecrae Release date: 2008-07-08 |
 | Currently listening: In the Making... By: Nevertheless Release date: 2008-09-16 |
 | Currently listening: Vota By: Vota Release date: 2009-02-10 |
Friday, April 10, 2009
The Undefined Opposite of InfinitelyMany
There are those times when you just want to be around someone. It doesn't matter if you're watching Stupid Reality TV or watching her wash dishes or prepare dinner. I'm scared to write about her in this way. It makes it real to the world, I suppose. I'm not worried about... I don't know... :-) But, how about this...
You know how sometimes you want to say "this is..." And then you realize what you're trying to say is a word that you're not sure exists. Tonight I was going to say to a small dog, meet... (the big dog). I could say to the big dog "Ranger, meet dinner." But how do you tell the small dog "Pebbles, meet 'the opposite of dinner'" What's the opposite of dinner?
So... I can't tell you what I'm not worried about it. I know what I'm not worried about, but it's the implied, but undefined opposite of my worries. :-)
Ineffable! It was just on tv, and I think it's the perfect word. I could be wrong though. I don't have my dictionary and can't look it up right now.
Anyway, I AM worried about having feelings for her and admitting them. I mean, she knows, and some friends know, but it's just strange making it real to everyone else. I don't want people to get excited for me, and then it doesn't work out. I don't want to hurt any friends who might not like the idea of me liking someone. But I want to be honest, and I want it to be known. But then again, let me clarify right now that it's been made very clear that we are just friends because I'm leaving for the Air Force so soon.
Everything with Melanie ended in disaster and I'm just... I know this won't end up that way, but I just worry about... I just need to stop worrying.
I just thought of the scene from The Village when Ivy Walker (the blind female main character) goes out onto her porch in the middle of the night because Lucious is sitting out there and when she asks why he is on that porch he answers that he worries for her safety above all things (in... So many words). I'm sitting out on a rocking chair on her porch and I wouldn't mind sitting out here all night.
It's not for the same reasons, but I'd be content to sit out here just knowing that I was near. I'd protect her if there was anything to protect her from, but I think the worst thing I'll have to protect her from is myself.
I have a lot of things to deal with and a lot of growing to do. And I'm going away for a Long time.
I hope things work out. I really like her.
"Goodnight." I went home and went to bed, before I could finish, but now I'm finishing this blog.
In other news, Tiger Lily officially uses the doggie door to go outside. I hope she doesn't run away.
My friend Bradley brought a strange circumstance to my attention yesterday. Zero, the quantity, is plural.
You can have one goose, two geese, or zero geese.
One jump, two jumps, or zero jumps.
Two Tylers, one Tyler, or zero Tylers.
Isn't that strange? Just thought I'd share. We're still contemplating why this is, but maybe zero is simply where infinity and negative infinity meet, and as such, zero is plural due to the fact that it's not refering to just one object, but infinite many objects that you simply have none of.
And I feel rather proud of that description.
I am very excited to be on page 152 in Twilight. I am quite enjoying the book. I picked it up because--I'm not sure if I said it in a previous blog, but I think I did. The movie seemed to have good roots, but it seemed to be lacking quite a bit, so it inspired me to pick up the book, and I am enjoying it.
That's all for now.
~16.67 days left.
I'm sorry Jacksonville... I don't think I'm going to make it over there. Also, I'm sorry to Jupiter... I was down there and didn't visit anyone but family.
I'm going to the park, which is finally not under water anymore, and I'm going to ride my bike. Maybe I'll go by my old house and leap in the pool if it's still hot outside and not raining yet.
Meeting up with Quig tonight to hang out.
Love ya! (well... Most of you anyway.) ;-)
Matthew
You know how sometimes you want to say "this is..." And then you realize what you're trying to say is a word that you're not sure exists. Tonight I was going to say to a small dog, meet... (the big dog). I could say to the big dog "Ranger, meet dinner." But how do you tell the small dog "Pebbles, meet 'the opposite of dinner'" What's the opposite of dinner?
So... I can't tell you what I'm not worried about it. I know what I'm not worried about, but it's the implied, but undefined opposite of my worries. :-)
Ineffable! It was just on tv, and I think it's the perfect word. I could be wrong though. I don't have my dictionary and can't look it up right now.
Anyway, I AM worried about having feelings for her and admitting them. I mean, she knows, and some friends know, but it's just strange making it real to everyone else. I don't want people to get excited for me, and then it doesn't work out. I don't want to hurt any friends who might not like the idea of me liking someone. But I want to be honest, and I want it to be known. But then again, let me clarify right now that it's been made very clear that we are just friends because I'm leaving for the Air Force so soon.
Everything with Melanie ended in disaster and I'm just... I know this won't end up that way, but I just worry about... I just need to stop worrying.
I just thought of the scene from The Village when Ivy Walker (the blind female main character) goes out onto her porch in the middle of the night because Lucious is sitting out there and when she asks why he is on that porch he answers that he worries for her safety above all things (in... So many words). I'm sitting out on a rocking chair on her porch and I wouldn't mind sitting out here all night.
It's not for the same reasons, but I'd be content to sit out here just knowing that I was near. I'd protect her if there was anything to protect her from, but I think the worst thing I'll have to protect her from is myself.
I have a lot of things to deal with and a lot of growing to do. And I'm going away for a Long time.
I hope things work out. I really like her.
"Goodnight." I went home and went to bed, before I could finish, but now I'm finishing this blog.
In other news, Tiger Lily officially uses the doggie door to go outside. I hope she doesn't run away.
My friend Bradley brought a strange circumstance to my attention yesterday. Zero, the quantity, is plural.
You can have one goose, two geese, or zero geese.
One jump, two jumps, or zero jumps.
Two Tylers, one Tyler, or zero Tylers.
Isn't that strange? Just thought I'd share. We're still contemplating why this is, but maybe zero is simply where infinity and negative infinity meet, and as such, zero is plural due to the fact that it's not refering to just one object, but infinite many objects that you simply have none of.
And I feel rather proud of that description.
I am very excited to be on page 152 in Twilight. I am quite enjoying the book. I picked it up because--I'm not sure if I said it in a previous blog, but I think I did. The movie seemed to have good roots, but it seemed to be lacking quite a bit, so it inspired me to pick up the book, and I am enjoying it.
That's all for now.
~16.67 days left.
I'm sorry Jacksonville... I don't think I'm going to make it over there. Also, I'm sorry to Jupiter... I was down there and didn't visit anyone but family.
I'm going to the park, which is finally not under water anymore, and I'm going to ride my bike. Maybe I'll go by my old house and leap in the pool if it's still hot outside and not raining yet.
Meeting up with Quig tonight to hang out.
Love ya! (well... Most of you anyway.) ;-)
Matthew
Sunday, April 5, 2009
A Broken Mind Cracked Wide Open
An old poem I found while packing. It was written on sticky notes in 2004
Parchment floating in the wind
Basking in the somber resplendence of the moonlight
Hazy shadows cast down by a star's reflection
Could I hold it as hope in these dark times?
Can I be comforted by there dark rhymes?
The idea of love,
As scribbled on the floating pages
The shadows they cast on this moonlit, sandy night
The loneliness passed down through the ages
As a scar from the angels we were never meant to love
Now I set this free to glide among the others
The words I wrote to tell of love
Failing only when it hurts the most
At the very least,
I have to be high to fall hard
So maybe I should stop climbing
Before I break my heart
How battered and torn the shrivelled shards
Held together only by Your love
And each new time I take the dive
I give less back to You to piece together
Pouring out a nearly empty box at Your feet
I beg you sew and forge and keep
Mend the pieces of me
But when courage will fade in the deep cold dark
I know the bravest I can be is remembering hope
For in these dark times of dark rhymes and giant halls
We sing songs of hope to save us before we fall.
20090327 (23:42)
I want to write you a song
But all I have are these words
There's nothing I can do
Nothing I can say to you
That you haven't heard before
20090328 (02:09)
The empty pages seem so long
Filled with all the thoughts they don't tell
It's like a song in itself
Thinking it'd be best with no sound
And all I wanna hear is your voice
Singing soft
Singing loud
Won't you always make sound?
Even when you aren't around
The pages go slow
Maybe I should rip them out
Tossed away with all the thoughts they don't tell
Drifting slow 'til I hear the sound
All the words I could think
And still they all escape me
Ink runs low and it scribbles out
Singing soft
Singing loud
Singing as if without sound
It's a dance in the dark
No partner
Only steps to which time doesn't count
This is making something new
Defining words we've never heard
How to spell?
When it's all your own
I'll share it with you
Singing silently
Let the heartbeat guide your tune
Thump thump
Carrying you along
20090402 (13:58)
You're out of time
The cover's blown
The secret's out
We've severed our ties
Said goodbye
We pray to God it's man-made
We pray that it's destructable
But this is the end
And we're moving on
Both beginning and ending unknown
It's time for a change or two
And this is goodbye.
I have now moved on to a new green notebook writing in black ink instead of blue.
20090405 (13:06)
Matthew...
...is gathering thoughts
For keeping in or handing out
It's all about the same
When you only ever talk to yourself
So please, please, welcome
I know it's not much
But it's a new pen...
...in a new color...
...on a new page
And I've left a lot less unsaid
This is the beginning
This is the greet
It's all that I have
And I just hope that it isn't the end.
And a song I wanted to add last night, but didn't. It was too late.
Something Corporate, song Space
Home,
Is this the quiet place where you should be alone?
Is this where the tortured and the troubled find there own?
I don't know, but I can tell this isn't you, your cover's blown
Oh no, don't you dare hang up this phone
(chorus)
Hey, give me space so I can breathe
Give me space so I can sleep
Give me space so you can drown in this with me
In this place.
A lonely escapade in outer space,
There's no antidote for irony you say
That you have, when you know that you don't
And you say that you can, when you know that you won't
Chorus
These padded walls and TV screens
Sometimes they make me want to scream
Chorus
Hey, give me space but I can't breathe
Give me space but I can't sleep
Give me just one inch I swear that's all I'll need
Well... I hope this somehow helps.
I'm heading to the park to try to ride my bike even if it's raining, but the last time I was there the park was blocked off because it was flooded. Usually it's called Citizens' Lodge, but when it's flooded like this, I call it Citizens' Lake. The river runs right by the park but when it rains like this they just merge into one mass of water.
Parchment floating in the wind
Basking in the somber resplendence of the moonlight
Hazy shadows cast down by a star's reflection
Could I hold it as hope in these dark times?
Can I be comforted by there dark rhymes?
The idea of love,
As scribbled on the floating pages
The shadows they cast on this moonlit, sandy night
The loneliness passed down through the ages
As a scar from the angels we were never meant to love
Now I set this free to glide among the others
The words I wrote to tell of love
Failing only when it hurts the most
At the very least,
I have to be high to fall hard
So maybe I should stop climbing
Before I break my heart
How battered and torn the shrivelled shards
Held together only by Your love
And each new time I take the dive
I give less back to You to piece together
Pouring out a nearly empty box at Your feet
I beg you sew and forge and keep
Mend the pieces of me
But when courage will fade in the deep cold dark
I know the bravest I can be is remembering hope
For in these dark times of dark rhymes and giant halls
We sing songs of hope to save us before we fall.
20090327 (23:42)
I want to write you a song
But all I have are these words
There's nothing I can do
Nothing I can say to you
That you haven't heard before
20090328 (02:09)
The empty pages seem so long
Filled with all the thoughts they don't tell
It's like a song in itself
Thinking it'd be best with no sound
And all I wanna hear is your voice
Singing soft
Singing loud
Won't you always make sound?
Even when you aren't around
The pages go slow
Maybe I should rip them out
Tossed away with all the thoughts they don't tell
Drifting slow 'til I hear the sound
All the words I could think
And still they all escape me
Ink runs low and it scribbles out
Singing soft
Singing loud
Singing as if without sound
It's a dance in the dark
No partner
Only steps to which time doesn't count
This is making something new
Defining words we've never heard
How to spell?
When it's all your own
I'll share it with you
Singing silently
Let the heartbeat guide your tune
Thump thump
Carrying you along
20090402 (13:58)
You're out of time
The cover's blown
The secret's out
We've severed our ties
Said goodbye
We pray to God it's man-made
We pray that it's destructable
But this is the end
And we're moving on
Both beginning and ending unknown
It's time for a change or two
And this is goodbye.
I have now moved on to a new green notebook writing in black ink instead of blue.
20090405 (13:06)
Matthew...
...is gathering thoughts
For keeping in or handing out
It's all about the same
When you only ever talk to yourself
So please, please, welcome
I know it's not much
But it's a new pen...
...in a new color...
...on a new page
And I've left a lot less unsaid
This is the beginning
This is the greet
It's all that I have
And I just hope that it isn't the end.
And a song I wanted to add last night, but didn't. It was too late.
Something Corporate, song Space
Home,
Is this the quiet place where you should be alone?
Is this where the tortured and the troubled find there own?
I don't know, but I can tell this isn't you, your cover's blown
Oh no, don't you dare hang up this phone
(chorus)
Hey, give me space so I can breathe
Give me space so I can sleep
Give me space so you can drown in this with me
In this place.
A lonely escapade in outer space,
There's no antidote for irony you say
That you have, when you know that you don't
And you say that you can, when you know that you won't
Chorus
These padded walls and TV screens
Sometimes they make me want to scream
Chorus
Hey, give me space but I can't breathe
Give me space but I can't sleep
Give me just one inch I swear that's all I'll need
Well... I hope this somehow helps.
I'm heading to the park to try to ride my bike even if it's raining, but the last time I was there the park was blocked off because it was flooded. Usually it's called Citizens' Lodge, but when it's flooded like this, I call it Citizens' Lake. The river runs right by the park but when it rains like this they just merge into one mass of water.
The Song In My Head
"I Woke Up In A Car"
I woke up in New York City
From my sleep behind the wheel
Caught a train to Poughkeepsie
And time stood still
She wrote me a letter from San Diego
To qualify her luck
These flights connect through Arizona
But I think I'll stay stuck
Here I am
(chorus)
I woke up in a car
I traced away the fog
So I could see the Mississippi on her knees
I've never been so lost
I've never been so much at home
Please write my folks and throw away my keys
I woke up in a car
I met a girl who kept tattoos
For homes that she had loved
If I were her I'd paint my body
'Til all my skin was gone
She wrote me a letter
As we passed through Rockford
She said she won't forget
Maybe I do maybe I don't
But I know I haven't yet
But here I am
Chorus
Maybe I could live forever
If not ever I had known
That you'd be waiting there whenever
I am all alone
But here I am
Chorus
"I Want To Save You"
Standing on the edge of morning
Scent of sex and New Found Glory
Playing as she's pulling back her hair
She drives away she's feeling worthless
Used again but nothing's different
She'd stay the night but knows he doesn't care
Home by three to deafening quiet
The porch light's off guess they forgot it
She'd cry herself to sleep but she doesn't dare
And she wants to be a model
She wants to hear she's beautiful
She's beautiful
(chorus)
I want to save you
I want to save you
I need you, save me too
I want to save you
Dressed by dawn and out the door
No lights she memorized the floor
So she could leave without being detected
She works 'til three it's uniform
She dreams that he'll come by the store
She prays for days when boys mean she's protected
And she wants someone to see her
She needs to hear she's beautiful
She's beautiful
Chorus
And she won't sleep
She won't sleep at all
Chorus
Let me save you
Jack's Mannequin
"I'm Ready"
(Spoken Dialogue)
"And today was a day like any other"
I'm on the verge I'm on the verge
Unraveling with every word
With every word you say
Make me believe
That I won't feel your tires on the street
As I'm finding the words
You're getting away
I come undone
Oh yes I do
Just think of all the thoughts
Wasted on you
And every word you say
Say something Sweet
'Cause all I taste is blood
Between my teeth
As I'm finding the words
You're getting away
(chorus)
I'm ready
I'm ready to drop
I'm ready
I'm ready so don't stop
Keep pushing
Don't stop me I'm ready
I'm ready to fall
Don't stop I've already let go
I'm ready
I'm ready so don't call
I'm aware I've been misled
I disconnect my heart my head
Don't want to recognize when things go bad
The things that you'll accept
Except that I am
Finding the words
To say
I'm ready
I'm ready to drop
I'm ready
I'm ready so don't stop
(Spoken Dialogue)
I wake up to find it's another 4 aspirin morning and I dive in
I put on the same clothes I word yesterday
When did society decided that we
Have to change and wash a t-shirt after every individual use
If it's not dirty I'm going to wear it
I take the stairs to the car and there's fog on the windows
I need caffeine in my bloodstream
I take caffeine in my bloodstream
I grip the wheel and all at once I realize
My life has become a boring pop song and everyone's singing along
I'm ready
I'm ready to drop
I'm ready
I'm ready so don't stop
Keep pushing
Don't stop me I'm ready
I'm ready to fall
Don't stop I've already let go
I'm ready
I'm ready so don't call
Already let go
If you ever get a chance, Something Corporate is a piano driven pop-punk group whom I believe broke up a few years ago when Jack's Mannequin took over in the form of piano pop. Something Corporate's two cds are Leaving Through The Window and North and Jack's Mannequin's two cds are Everything In Transit and The Glass Passenger. They are all wonderfully beautiful cds. There are a couple songs that get a bit crude, but they really are very beautiful cds. Andrew McMahon is an extremely gifted artist and I hope he continues to make music.
Friday, April 3, 2009
Anti-Meridian
Society tends to view singles who choose to remain single as generally troubled people. People think they're not all there or they're disturbed. No one ever seems to consider that maybe it's just who they are.
And on a side note... I've discovered why I don't ever blog anymore. Aside from having very little to say these days, there is simply no comfortable position. Whether I'm typing on a computer or on my phone, there are just no positions that I enjoy sitting in for long enough to type out a blog that all of six people are going to read.
That said, we can get back to singles.
Friends tell me that maybe God's plan isn't for me to be single. Well what if I just work better alone. I'd love to have someone, but sometimes I think I just work best on my own.
I don't know that it's entirely healthy all the time. I know that when I end up alone I tend to isolate and cut myself off from the world. I know I dive into myself. The past few days I've been isolated and in turn I've isolated myself. Maybe it's a defense. I went and hung out with a friend last night and I was just kidding around with some things I did or said, but it seems I was just being a jerk.
When I got to her house, I thought it looked like she was asleep on the couch, so I asked her roommate who was on the porch to shut the door so that I could use the knocker. After using the knocker there's a bang on the door, which I found out later was a pepsi bottle being thrown at the door. I went in, sat down, hung out for about an hour watching some stupid show on MTV, and I kept making a joking comment asking if I could leave yet.
When the show was over I said I was leaving and went outside. My friend followed me and went and sat down on the bench with her roommate and took the phone and started talking. I again said I was leaving and walked down the steps. She told me to sit, to get back on the porch and sit. I asked why, for what, por que? I walked out, got in my car, started it, and left. I didn't see any reason for me to stay. I felt like my being there didn't mean anything. She'd been laying on the couch watching tv and playing with her phone the whole time I was there. She had told me she had to go to bed by 10 and I left at 10:10.
Driving down the road I sent her a text asking her to tell her roommate goodnight. So she calls me and says she's not doing it, but it's on speaker phone. So I tell her roommate goodnight and after basically talking about nothing for a minute I tell her that all I needed to do was tell her roommate goodnight. So she says okay and I say okay, and I hang up. The whole point to it was supposed to be a joke that I would tell her roommate goodnight, but not her.
She was obviously offended by my hanging up on her. I apologized for being a jerk and said I wasn't meaning to be. I don't know if she was having a bad night or if I was just being a jerk, but I do know that I was greeted by a bottle thrown at the door, I sat there and watched stupid reality tv with her for an hour, and I left ten minutes after she wanted to be in bed to her telling me to come back and sit down on her porch. It didn't seem like a very friendly visit, and I felt like she was being a bit of a jerk. So sorry if I'm a jerk.
Anyway... There's an example of how I'm a jerk. How I re-enter society after being left alone and isolating myself.
My past two... Three... Four... Five roommate situations haven't turned out very well. First there was living with my cousins, I always just isolated myself in my room. I would just slip in and out of the house, to and from my room. Next was the Webbs. I love them all, but after living on their couch for two months, for some reason I was very distant from Austin. The same Austin who who would be my best man if I ever married. Not that I ever told him that... It came up one day and he said it. It wasn't him being cocky or proud. He just knew that if ever I married, he'd be my best man, and it's true.
After living with the Webbs, I lived with Sandy. I really didn't enjoy living there, same situation, always isolated myself in my room, with as little interaction with my roommates as possible. The next two roommates I had have very similar stories. I was a jerk when I did see them, and I would just go straight to my room and shut the door, coming out only when I knew they were asleep. With Chris I would sometimes even go out and get food and completely ignore him.
I consider Chris to be one of my best friends, and now, having moved out, I miss him.
I just don't think I deal well with people being close. I keep people at a distance and when they get too close, I isolate myself. So I don't know if I'm meant to be single or not, but I know I single myself out. I do better when I'm alone. I enjoy my friends and I enjoy life.
But when there's someone actively involved in my life, I isolate myself. If that person's a girl, I tend to cut off a lot of my friends and focus only on her, while if it's a roommate, I isolate myself completely.
So maybe I'm just made to be single. I don't know what to do in relationships with people. I can sometimes be a decent friend, but most of the time I feel like I'm just selfish. A leech. Now with a relationship with a girl, I would have no idea what to do. I'm used to always having a crush and always being turned down... So what to I do when a girl actually likes me in return... I don't know what to do, so I probably just end up messing stuff up and being a jerk. It's not intentional, it's just who I am.
I'm okay with myself, and I sometimes think I'll be better off alone. Friends are good for me.
Well, I've been wanting to post a blog asking which t-shirts I should take with me to basic. We are supposed to bring three civilian outfits, so I was going to have a poll for which shirts I should take. Anyone know how to set up a poll? There's no way I could just post it here on the blog, because then only like six people would see it.
So anyway, let me know about the shirts if you want.
Thanks for putting up with my selfish, jerky ways.
Currently Listening: Anti-Meridian
Artist: Brave Saint Saturn
And on a side note... I've discovered why I don't ever blog anymore. Aside from having very little to say these days, there is simply no comfortable position. Whether I'm typing on a computer or on my phone, there are just no positions that I enjoy sitting in for long enough to type out a blog that all of six people are going to read.
That said, we can get back to singles.
Friends tell me that maybe God's plan isn't for me to be single. Well what if I just work better alone. I'd love to have someone, but sometimes I think I just work best on my own.
I don't know that it's entirely healthy all the time. I know that when I end up alone I tend to isolate and cut myself off from the world. I know I dive into myself. The past few days I've been isolated and in turn I've isolated myself. Maybe it's a defense. I went and hung out with a friend last night and I was just kidding around with some things I did or said, but it seems I was just being a jerk.
When I got to her house, I thought it looked like she was asleep on the couch, so I asked her roommate who was on the porch to shut the door so that I could use the knocker. After using the knocker there's a bang on the door, which I found out later was a pepsi bottle being thrown at the door. I went in, sat down, hung out for about an hour watching some stupid show on MTV, and I kept making a joking comment asking if I could leave yet.
When the show was over I said I was leaving and went outside. My friend followed me and went and sat down on the bench with her roommate and took the phone and started talking. I again said I was leaving and walked down the steps. She told me to sit, to get back on the porch and sit. I asked why, for what, por que? I walked out, got in my car, started it, and left. I didn't see any reason for me to stay. I felt like my being there didn't mean anything. She'd been laying on the couch watching tv and playing with her phone the whole time I was there. She had told me she had to go to bed by 10 and I left at 10:10.
Driving down the road I sent her a text asking her to tell her roommate goodnight. So she calls me and says she's not doing it, but it's on speaker phone. So I tell her roommate goodnight and after basically talking about nothing for a minute I tell her that all I needed to do was tell her roommate goodnight. So she says okay and I say okay, and I hang up. The whole point to it was supposed to be a joke that I would tell her roommate goodnight, but not her.
She was obviously offended by my hanging up on her. I apologized for being a jerk and said I wasn't meaning to be. I don't know if she was having a bad night or if I was just being a jerk, but I do know that I was greeted by a bottle thrown at the door, I sat there and watched stupid reality tv with her for an hour, and I left ten minutes after she wanted to be in bed to her telling me to come back and sit down on her porch. It didn't seem like a very friendly visit, and I felt like she was being a bit of a jerk. So sorry if I'm a jerk.
Anyway... There's an example of how I'm a jerk. How I re-enter society after being left alone and isolating myself.
My past two... Three... Four... Five roommate situations haven't turned out very well. First there was living with my cousins, I always just isolated myself in my room. I would just slip in and out of the house, to and from my room. Next was the Webbs. I love them all, but after living on their couch for two months, for some reason I was very distant from Austin. The same Austin who who would be my best man if I ever married. Not that I ever told him that... It came up one day and he said it. It wasn't him being cocky or proud. He just knew that if ever I married, he'd be my best man, and it's true.
After living with the Webbs, I lived with Sandy. I really didn't enjoy living there, same situation, always isolated myself in my room, with as little interaction with my roommates as possible. The next two roommates I had have very similar stories. I was a jerk when I did see them, and I would just go straight to my room and shut the door, coming out only when I knew they were asleep. With Chris I would sometimes even go out and get food and completely ignore him.
I consider Chris to be one of my best friends, and now, having moved out, I miss him.
I just don't think I deal well with people being close. I keep people at a distance and when they get too close, I isolate myself. So I don't know if I'm meant to be single or not, but I know I single myself out. I do better when I'm alone. I enjoy my friends and I enjoy life.
But when there's someone actively involved in my life, I isolate myself. If that person's a girl, I tend to cut off a lot of my friends and focus only on her, while if it's a roommate, I isolate myself completely.
So maybe I'm just made to be single. I don't know what to do in relationships with people. I can sometimes be a decent friend, but most of the time I feel like I'm just selfish. A leech. Now with a relationship with a girl, I would have no idea what to do. I'm used to always having a crush and always being turned down... So what to I do when a girl actually likes me in return... I don't know what to do, so I probably just end up messing stuff up and being a jerk. It's not intentional, it's just who I am.
I'm okay with myself, and I sometimes think I'll be better off alone. Friends are good for me.
Well, I've been wanting to post a blog asking which t-shirts I should take with me to basic. We are supposed to bring three civilian outfits, so I was going to have a poll for which shirts I should take. Anyone know how to set up a poll? There's no way I could just post it here on the blog, because then only like six people would see it.
So anyway, let me know about the shirts if you want.
Thanks for putting up with my selfish, jerky ways.
Currently Listening: Anti-Meridian
Artist: Brave Saint Saturn
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