| [ | mood | | |  Excited about what God's doing | ] |
| [ | music | | | MP3 player on random, see music list at bottom | ] |
Wow! So last night (04-29-05) I went to a Bible study at the Hart’s house. Paul Kyle was there, and a bishop named Hank, I don’t remember his last name, but I believe he’s from Holland. Anyway, it was awesome. Before it started, I got to hang out with Kristin and Erika, and Kristin took pictures of flowers in their back yard (The rose pictures turned out really beautiful). Then we had dinner, which was less food than they normally have there, but it was good food. But moving on to the bible study, ‘cause that was the highlight of the evening (except for maybe Kristin’s eyes… They’re two different colors, but only slightly, but that’s still really cool).
We started out, and there is a couple that is moving away, and Paul was talking about the eagle, and the Israelites being carried out of Egypt. There were a lot of symbolisms from different things. People there had seen eagles, or eagle statues, or visions of eagles lately. Then Paul sang a song, and we went into this awesome free worship where we were all just worshiping, but not to a specific song, it was great. Some people were just singing ‘Hallelujah,’ or other simple words or worship. I had a line from the song “Stabbing Art to Death,” by the band Showbread in my head. The line says ‘Father, you inspire me to sing to you.’ And I just kept singing that. But then after that free worship, Hank spoke about a journey that he and his wife had been on in or around Jerusalem I believe. Anyway, after that, there was a lot said about unity in the Church which has been on my heart for several months now.
It was also brought up that we need to just let go of everything, and give our lives up to God. Every bible study or church service I’ve been to this week has been on the same subject. Sunday morning I went to a church called Christian Family Chapel, and the lesson was on Giving to the Lord with tithes and offerings and how giving unshackles our hearts. But also during the Sunday morning service, I wrote a poem on the back of my bulletin, because I was quite distraught and confused about a lot of things.
We believed in absolutely nothing
Where do we stand to find ourselves with something?
Whose hand do we take?
To be led down by the peaceful lake
To find ourselves
Forgiven in fields of grace
My Father I have fallen down
Hold me in your arms
I find little comfort in my own
Allow your forgiveness to carry me home
All I am will bless you?
All I am will bless you?
What can I give?
What have I to offer?
When all I have and seek to gain
Have always been and forever will be yours
There was a line in one of the songs sung that morning that said ‘All I am will bless you,’ and I felt so worthless at that moment, that I didn’t understand how I could bless the Lord, even though I know that (and was reminded of this last night) that the Lord delights in his children. There were also banners Sunday morning that had parts of Psalm 121, saying ‘I lift my eyes to the hills... My help comes from the Lord. Sunday afternoon, at youth group at Grace (a completely different church) one of the worship songs we sang was Psalm 121. And my Youth Pastor Steve spoke about how we need to rely on God, and not that looking for comfort from friends here was bad, but we really needed to depend on God more than our earthly brothers.
Tuesday night, wasn’t a bible study, but we were rearranging the Lighthouse (what we call our youth building). Someone brought up a line from the movie Fight Club (which I’ve never seen), but the line said something about having to give up everything we have to truly live free. And I told everyone that that idea was very true of our lives with Christ, we need to give him everything to be able to live free. No one seemed to be in a very spiritually thinking mood at that moment though, so the comments I got back were like “I guess that’s a good analogy… but that’s not what they’re talking about in the movie.” I was disappointed that no one seemed to see that phrase the way I did; that we have to give up everything (to Christ) to live truly free lives.
Wednesday night bible study at Jenny’s Josiah didn’t know what he was going to speak on, and just asked what we wanted to talk about. And I’m not sure exactly what was brought up. But a verse that I read in the group was the story of the Rich Young Man in Matthew (Same story from Mark was brought up Sunday morning). Something that stood out to me Wed. night though, was Matthew 19:25-26.
Matthew 19:25-26 When the disciples heard this they were greatly astonished and asked, “Who then can be saved?” Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”
This passage went right along with everything. We have to give up everything and rely on God to be saved.
Thursday night at Student-Venture, Mr. V. passed out tracts to us all that were about being saved, and the different types of lives we can lead.
First was being non-Christian, having self on the throne, and Christ outside your life.
The next way of living was being saved. Being saved we could live two ways. We could put ourselves on the throne of our lives, and not live for God, or put Christ on the throne of our lives, and put ourselves at the foot of the throne.
Yet again, God was telling me to rely on him.
Now we’re back up to Friday. The next awesome part about this bible study was that almost everything that was said reminded me of different poems I had written. We spoke about the Bride of Christ, and the church being as one. Paul also noticed some cherubim on the mantle at the Hart’s house. They were looking up, and their wings actually looked like they were crows perched on their back, and their beaks were connected to the cherubim’s head near the ear. Seeing the crow as representing Satan whispering lies to us, and we need to keep our focus on God. Also mentioned was suffering, and how the reality that we live in cannot be without it. Jesus suffered. We spoke about how people will read stories, and flip to the end to find out what happens, but then when they go back and read the book, they get all caught up in the suspense, and forget that the ending is happy. And that’s how Christians are in life too often. We know the end of the story, but we are too lost in the stress of now to remember that we have a happy ending ahead. There were so many things mentioned, I just can’t explain it all here. It was just awesome though.
Kristin spoke to me afterward and told me how everything had applied in her life. I was so excited at how the Lord was moving. I had showed up to the bible study exhausted from work, but leaving (around one in the morning) I was pumped and super energized. But I got home, and ran in to go to the bathroom and never made it back outside to lock my car and get my stuff out of it. Oops. I just fell asleep on my floor, didn’t even make it to the bed. Wow, what a night!
I’m going to include below, in no particular order, poems that I was reminded of last night. Which I do hope you’ll enjoy, even if you don’t fully understand the context in which I was reading them last night.
An Untitled Poem Started 02/17/2005 Finished 02/18/2005
I never decided if I wanted Victoria Rose to be the first line, the title, or both. But after last night, I’m thinking both.
Victoria Rose
Black silk petals
Blood stained thorns
Every new day offers many gifts
So untie the ribbons
Open up to life
Your eyes bleed in the color
Let rest our guards
Open our hearts to share
This gift that has been given us
Victory rose
From the ashes of defeat
I saw the payment
But forgot the memory
Let the assault of a deadly assassin
Help my unbelief
Remember we are dust
Drifting in the wind
Smoke from razing death
Child rise and live again
Look close and listen
For this is me
Biting my tongue until I’m bleeding
And I’m drowning from the liquid
Building up inside my lungs
Time stands still for raising tides
Water hits, I’ll close my eyes
Life will pause as past things die
Sleep will pass as life will rise
I think that now I’ve found it’s time
To break myself of this
My most self-destructing habit
Of holding back my words
Until they cut so deeply into me
That I’m left barely breathing
And I’m running out of blood for bleeding
Open your eyes
Start growing up inside
Maturity’s your lie
Oh, so much like mine
I can’t handle this
My veins are running dry
My pen ceases to write
But this place gives me new life
Silk rose petal ribbon
Tying back your hair
Let it down
Let’s not disguise
Our mistakes with goodbyes
But instead open our hearts
And let down our guards
Not so open
That the wolves catch our scent
But just enough
To let ourselves in
Walking together
On a cold dark night
Silence all around
But then static in my ears
The sound of rushing water
Oh, so much more than our tears
A spark in the night
The tunnel’s end is near
I’ll hold you tight
I’ll keep you warm
We’ll make it out together
Don’t fight your heart
We’ll hold you tight
We’re coming out alive
Alive and together we are one
02/17/2005 - 02/18/2005
This next poem seemed to sum up almost everything that was said last night. If you were there, you’d understand how it was summed up, but not being there, this poem comes out in a completely different light, but it’s really good anyway.
Slept So Long
The Days are Really Near the End (added this title about a week after writing)
I used to be able to see them clearly
And write them down so loudly
But now the words on my heart have begun to fade
Like a whisper in a distant field
Yours might be a voice I think I recognize
But I’ve lost the sight that opened my eyes
I’ve lost the pain that made the words shine bright
Like the words on the ring in the fairytale
Revealed by flame but they’ve begun to fade
And the time I’ve taken to rest
Has raised to life my discomfort in death
Slept so long, so long
So long, farewell
Burn into the heart the pain, the pain
I’m ready to bleed again
I’m ready to paint again
In the beat of the drums
The speed of the strums
They’re coming to fast
The warrior’s heart in the hunt
The time has passed
Marching to old battle tunes
Melodies made for memories
Where all that’s left is found in ruins
Thus I near the ending pages
Stories of my life scribbled down and dated
Ending with addresses, times, and directions for payment
Where will you carry me now?
A layman
You will take me to where blind men hear and deaf men see
I’ve slept so long
It was almost a dream
And your words, like a whisper in a distant field
The comforting hope of a voice I know I recognize
10/25/2004
Pink Is My New Black
(Hold Me Close And I'll Dance)
There was a time when we were all wearing black
Because our mood was set to that
But now that we've all joined the fad
We're wearing pink beside the fact
Like the plants outside the furniture store
We've all been dead since long before
Withered flowers were we all
But our pictures (framed as beauty) hung on the wall
And I'll lower my eyes
Just to avoid that glare before you walk away
And I'll turn around and around
While I avert my eyes…
(I love you)
We're staring at the ground
The meaning to that
Is hidden in the past
Where we wrote our letters back and back
There was a time when we were all wearing black
Because our mood was set to that
But now that we've all joined the fad
We're wearing pink beside the fact
(I love you)
It's cold out here tonight
Bathing in the moonlight
A Cheshire Cat smiling upon me
And the loneliness (I feel every night) you wouldn't believe
Hug me on your doorstep
Invite me in
So I can feel the pain of leaving
Hold me close and I'll dance with you till morning
Hold me close and I'll dance with you till morning
Hold me close and I'll dance
Because a smile's my new frown
A teardrop makes a sound
Like laughter on the playground
Pink is my new black
I'm glad my mood isn't set to that
12/13/2004 - 12/16/2004
Life Moves Forward
Oh, but longing to make a sound
Breaking golden silence so profound
The ticking clock...
Tells me life moves forward
Art is patience...
Best get in a word
Thinking on purple flowers
Searching deep for poetry
To hide behind the hours
The ticking of the second hand
That has yet to begin
The tock of something written down
In past by (your) future hand
To say goodbye to these good things
Joyous and mournful tears it brings
Praising Love it's hard to hide
Many emotions dammed up inside
But late, so late, too late
...Goodnight
Raise strong this squire-to-be
...Good Knight
Breaking silence by ticking sound
Gift that tells how life moves forward
Keep the arms always moving 'round
To remind you that I am thankful
...For everything we've shared
04/19/2005
I guess that’s about everything that I can say. It’s just too much information, and I can’t remember it all well enough to type it up so that it would make sense to all of you, but I hope that God has spoken to you through this.
With love and thanks (I know it's long)
Matt
Music List
Artist - Album
Copeland - Beneath Medicine Tree
Emery - The Weak's End
Mae - Destination: Beautiful
Mae - Destination: B-Sides
Mae - The Everglow
mewithoutYou - Catch For Us The Foxes
Showbread - "No Sir, Nihilism Is Not Practical"
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