The Sound and The Silence

Some things are better left unsaid.
But I'll let the music I've been listening to speak for me.

Cover Your Eyes By: Sullivan Release date: 2007-06-05

"This paper posed as photographs, this promise snapped with time elapsed.
You think you do, but you don't know me at all."

Great White Whale By: Secret and Whisper Release date: 2008-02-12

1- Blonde Monster
"Sometimes evil eyes are comforting. Cast spells on our hearts, we don't mind."
2- You Are Familiar
"You're clear to me, despite my blurry vision.
You are familiar in ways that I'm looking for, a silent figure that looms beyond.
You're looking over me."
3- Vanishings
"I say never again to friends, and fads, and fitting in:
A phantom walks to the sea, fades and secretly drowns until his heart's appeased."
6- Spider Besider
"There's a mystical, ancient, and forgotten way.
Ia cho ku, I'm not as sweet as I've led you.
Ia cho ku, with spiders beside her.
Tradition meets with ocean eyes, and sea monsters are in the tides.
A spider beside her."
7- Looming Moon
"We are spending all our time away from one another.
Like wind behind the grass in sway, asleep at certain times of day.
May we all turn into the leaves that crack and break apart.
And I'm anxious to relieve my mind from desperate thoughts.
I hope you remember me always."
8- Attacker
"At night we hear you wandering, gently appearing softly, and cautiously.
There are glowing particles, and flashing bursts,
But let me tell you that the whispering is the worst.
Is he attacker or friend, with a message to send?
Or is it just loneliness?"
9- Anchors
"The ocean dwells in lonely life and storm
Give me this moment; I'll wade into the ocean.
Anchors drag me down to depths of sea, where creatures can watch me drown."
10- Werewolves
"Give in to ghost that haunt you. Accept the friends you want to.
I feel like I am barely on. A well with all the water drawn.
When I'm hard on life, I sleep in days and wander nights.
With legs too weak to carry on, we fall apart like falling stars."
11- Lovers
"Waiting all her life, you have been spending your days all alone, like a widow grieving.
You hold onto the promise you will see him again, like lovers in the evening.
For the open and great unknown, you're leaving your heart at home.
He regrets all his memories, and his soul is left to haunt the breeze alone."
12- Great White Whale
"I'm searching for the great white whale, strong and bold. Locked in a tower, he will sleep forever. I'll never be alone again.
Down by the alder, we were wishing our hearts together. Down by the alder, where you told me you'd never love another.
The animals are gathering to hunt me down. To take revenge for kidnapping your gentle sound. Return to the river, with the howling of all the animals that needed you.
In hunting and living, if you remember one thing, remember I needed you."

Until There's Nothing Left of Us By: Kill Hannah Release date: 2006-08-01

"Take this heart. It's ticking like a time bomb And I'm not running anymore!
I'll stand to face it all! I'll fight for every breath until there's nothing left of us!"

Beautiful Lie By: 30 Seconds To Mars Release date: 2007-02-27

"A revolution has begun today for me inside
The ultimate defense is to pretend
Revolve around yourself just like an ordinary man
The only other option to forget"

Define the Great Line By: Underoath Release date: 2006-06-20

1- In Regards To Myself
"There's got to be some stable ground left to walk on
So tear another page from the book
Are you asleep or just alone
Clear this room from your lungs
And pull yourself together man
Just what are you so afraid of
You're staring truth in the face, so come on down"
2- A Moment Suspended In Time
"There's nothing left for me here
No time to talk you know the drill
It's so funny how we see things so clear when we have no time left to live!"
3- There Could Be Nothing After This
"You want to see me disappear? Well, so do I
Such a quiet evaporation"
4- You're Ever So Inviting
"Don't make me feel so contradicting
I know why you never take your eyes off me
I've used my lungs for everything but breathing"
5- Sālmarnir
6- Returning Empty Handed
"You brought me here for this
I see nothing but disaster
Here again? This is getting old... This is getting old!!!"
7- Casting Such A Thin Shadow
"Speak up
My ears are growing weary
I can still stand if you lend the hand to brace me"
8- Moving For The Sake Of Motion
"I hate the me that I've become
This needy useless forgetting one"
9- Writing On The Walls
"Maybe we, Why don't we sit right here for half an hour
We'll speak of what a waste I am and how we missed your beat again"
10- Everyone Looks So Good From Here
"I have put myself here
I'm the culprit
I am the culprit
I swear I've slipped right through the cracks in the floor"
11- To Whom It May Concern
"At the end of the road you'll find what you've been longing for
I know cause my feet have the scars to show
I was lost with vague direction and no place to call home
Because in this place, we're all as good as dead
...end cycle...
It's not the end of the road for you"

They're Only Chasing Safety By: Underoath Release date: 2004-06-15

1- Young and Aspiring
"I fear that I am just an end //So you'll play the mistaken and I'll play the victim
In our screenplay of desire // And I'm still writing the letters I'll never send"
2- Boy Brushed Red Living In Black And White
"Can you feel your heart beat racing? // Can you taste the fear in her sweat?
We've done this wrong we're too far gone // These sheets tell of regret
Here is where we both go wrong
In this moment that we both ignore the truth
It's all over
I'm scared, you're scared, we're scared of this?
3- The Impact Of Reason
"Crack a smile just for the sake of it, This could take a while
A long while
Silence is golden especially in this case
No lights No signs I'm at a loss for words"
6- It's Dangerous Business Walking Out Your Front Door
"I've been up at this all night long // I've been drowning in my sleep
My knuckles have turned to white // There's no turning back tonight
So hold on tight"
7- Down, Set, Go
"I had the whole world in my hands // And I gave it away
Cracking a smile and wearing it all on my sleeve
What liars we can be"
8- I Don't Feel Very Receptive Today
"I haven't talked in days // And I'm really not too sure // What I sound like anymore
9- I'm Content With Losing*
"How does it feel to be on the receiving end of this one?
I'm half way there and it's all on me // This is what I get for wanting more
So I walk around with this rope in my hand
So I'll tie it around... and around... and around.
I'll tie me down
In your eyes you were the one that tried
This is the moment that we all live for
Are you ready? Are you ready?"
10- Some Will Seek Forgiveness, Others Escape
"I heard a voice through the discord // A deluge of passerby
I saw one gaze frozen in time // Watching me passing by
I swear I'll know your face in the crowd // And I'll hear your voice so loud
When you're whispering
Here's my kiss to betray // Desperate to touch the lips of grace
Do you feel hollow when you think of how I've lied?
O sweet angel of mercy // With your grace like the morning
Wrap your loving arms around me
Hey unfaithful I will teach you to be stronger
Hey ungrateful I will teach you to forgive one another
Hey unloving I will love you
And Jesus, I'm ready to come home
Hey unfaithful, Hey ungrateful, Hey unloving, I will love you
I will love you"

Son, I Loved You at Your Darkest By: As Cities Burn Release date: 2005-06-21

1- Thus from my lips, by yours, my sin is purged*
"I've got a will, but I want yours. I've got a growing heap of crosses and burdens. I've simply lost heart to shoulder, simply no strength to lift. I've always been a man in need 'cause I keep stepping in and out of the shadow, caught by the drift and pitch of whatever it is that keeps me coming back. I want out 'cause I'm getting sick, sick from all this swerving, Driver, sick from turning on you. Someone show me a hole in this cycle. Show me the way away and I'm coming back the way I came. No! I've seen this place before. Surely this is no place for the light of this world. Oh how sweet the sound! I know it saved, but is it changing a wretch like me? Oh my God, how sweet is the sound! I once was blind but now I just look away. My bride, I don't want to know what I'd be without forgiveness brushing these adulterous lips."
2- Love Jealous One, Love
"This is me at my darkest, looking down from my tower to heaven
Teacher, which of us will be the greatest?
Father, hide our hearts in you lest we steal them back and lay them at the feet of men.
I know now that glory has not a place near my hands, or any man."
3- Incomplete Is A Leech*
"Unless you can part my ribs like the sea and make stone beat, then there's no hope for me. Unless the east never meets the west, unless you set my sin between your shoulderblades and forget. Part my ribs like the sea and change me. 'Cause stone doesn't beat and rock hearts don't pump anything. But I've grown not to mind because at least stone doesn't sling blood, or spill like guts across the floor where the bloodsuckers want more, and more, and more."
5- Terrible! How Terrible For The Great City!
"Am I a monster when I sink my teeth into her when I don't love her?
This is what real men keep quiet:
It doesn't exist if you can hide it behind your teeth and sleep at night
I just feel as empty as the lungs of those waiting in the womb.
Do you feel as empty as the lungs of those waiting to come into this world where being beautiful means being used? How long will we blame the devils on our shoulders, and pose like angels on the outside when all I am is a monster?"
6- The Widow
"My God, what a world you love"
7- Wake Dead Man, Wake*
"Let the dead bury their own dead. Will you still love me in famine, as when love began at the harvest? Or would you gain the whole world? Son, I love you at your darkest. But what good is the whole world when I promise no tomorrow? I only promise your tomorrows will never take you past my palm. Love, what is love without trust? At my word, would you bring your Isaac? Son, I loved you at your darkest."
8- Admission : Regret
"So I hear there's a whole world out there, but I've grown to love this bed to much to leave it
'Cause all I've got is sleep against my fear of being swept away by the wind, the undertow and thought. I keep hearing about this world out there. Come untie me from this bed. Untie me from the wicked things I love. Awake! Awake in the company of men given something to say. Give me a servants heart and a tongue to obey. Awake! Come Wind. Awake! Come thought. Tired head, take up your mat and walk."
9- One : Twenty-Seven
"When will the weak shame the strong
When will we raise our flags past half-mast
I call this brave but how dare I call this love and not bear my cross to the end.
How can I call this love when all that I am is because your love endures my back to it?
Your love endures my back to it."
10- Of Wand And Misery : The Nothing That Kills
"I watched you float away on a wave of want and misery.
I watched you float away on whatever caught your eye.
Now I've got to find you 'cause I've got to keep your head above the water while the current pulls me under. I will hang my life in the space between the noose and your neck.
I won't let you die just yet.
I will love you even when you won't let me and you will kill me by doing nothing.
But I know it's not you, my dear, it's the nothing that kills.
I can't save you; Control is something out of my control
No, I can't save you but I will love you.

With Arrows With Poise By: Myriad Release date: 2008-05-13

9- Throwing Punches
"Is this what you meant by love? // To throw a punch with the comeback kids
You've given me desires // With a catch of hope and faith
Is this what you meant by love? // Crashing cars with the coolest kids
You've given me my one desire even though it's dangerous"
12- Stuck In A Glass Elevator*
"If we run we just might find that // There's a way to get out of this place
If we run we just might find that there's a way, that there's a way... to get out.
And in the end the glass will crumble // In the end it will burst and break
In the end, in the end... we'll get out.
Is it just me or is it getting hotter in this place
Is it just me or is it getting hotter... Let's get out.
Let's get out, Let's get out of this place!

(This is truly a beautiful song and you should really hear it. A very mellow rock piece with a beautiful piano.)

Currently undefined: The Sun And The Moon Complete [2 CD] By: The Bravery Release date: 2008-03-18

"We are liars like the summertime, like the spring we are such fools
Like fall we are false prophets, and like winter we are cruel
And I don't know where we belong // I think we grew under a bad sun
I know we're not like everyone // You and me we grew under a bad sun"

Viva La Vida By: Coldplay Release date: 2008-06-17

1- Cemeteries Of London
"The morning is for sleeping
Save the nighttime for your weeping
We go underneath the arches where the witches all will say
There are ghost towns in the ocean
God is in the houses and God is in my head, and all the cemeteries of London"
3- Lost
"Just because I'm losing, doesn't mean that I'm lost.
You might be a big fish in a little pond, doesn't mean you've won.
Oh, I'm just waiting 'til the shine wears off."
4- 42
"You thought you might be a ghost!
You didn't get to heaven but you made it close."

Seattle Sessions By: Classic Crime Release date: 2007-11-06

Currently Listening: Safety in the Sea By: Sever Your Ties Release date: 2008-07-08

Currently Listening: The Silver Cord By: The Classic Crime Release date: 2008-07-22

Currently Listening: This Is an Outrage! By: Capital Lights Release date: 2008-07-08

Most of these are just quotes, but I've tried to mark the few full songs with an *.
This blog started at 22:56 and finished... posted at 04:35

Music and Space

I came home just after 4 this morning. I had gone to the park to ride my bike, which I haven't done for quite a while. My bike's just been sitting in the back of my car since... Before May.
I didn't get to the park until maybe 1, and then my tires were pretty flat so I had to pump them up, but after that... I rode around the park... For a while.

In the past week or so, I've realized something rather big. Something that... I'm really not so sure I like. Because it just screams of missed opportunities and how much I've messed things up in my life. Not that the mess can't be cleaned, but the mess just kind of adds to the missed opportunities.

So, I've had plenty to think about...
And here's a short poems I wrote before going to the park last night...
I'll tell you about all the music tonight.

In the absence of color
I've been fading
In the absence of color
I've been lost
This is what a heart gets
Embraced by darkness
This is what I gather is the end
Poetic or not
Here it comes
And now begins the hurt

This is justice
Just as I deserve it
All my life
I seem to think that I'm so perfect
Well this is justice
Just as I deserve it
Come what may
God, don't let Love desert us

Here is born
The pain I've come to know
Love is death and silence
On this cold dark night
It's a wonder that we want it at all

Truly an Inconvenient Truth

I'm really up this morning because I just wrote a poem, and I wanted to post it, but I hadn't posted that picture yet, so I had to get that out of the way in order to keep you up to date.

7/20/08 (06:12)
It's rather depressing at times
The realization of some facts
All the evidence points to...
Now this
Is an inconvenient truth

The insanity plea
It's like closing your eyes and claiming you're blind
But then there comes that time
And everything around
Pointing to open eyes
You find yourself alone
It's the wrong place
The wrong time
Should've just spit it out two years ago
Maybe now...
Now it may be far too late
And so again
It's rather depressing
To wake up with open eyes
Look back and clearly see
All the wrong turns you made
Despite all the signs
But you wake up to find a desire
It's been planted there all along
But feared... even shunned
"She flirts with danger,
But takes home the good boy"
And my children will also pray
"Our father made so many mistakes
May we forgive him
And forgive ourselves"

Simple as can be
I woke with a longing to love
But the time to enter in
Will it ever come again?

Oh, be forgiven for my sins...

The Ending Requires Some Telling

I beat the game the other night. Not long after my last blog. I went all the way and got the good ending.
The happy ending.
The moving ending.

In the game, there are 108 characters whom you can recruit to aid you in a war. They are called the 108 stars of destiny. The Suikoden story goes...
You start off in a castle waiting with your father to meet with the emperor. Your father, Teo, is a heroic general who helped the emperor bring peace to the empire seven years prior. You meet with the emperor and your father is needed in the north to defend the border. You enlist in the military, but you're not going with your father.
The next day your Teo leaves, and you get your first assignment - errand work. Your best friend, Ted, a servant who practically raised you, Gremio, and two other servants, Pahn and Cleo, go with you. You visit a lady named Leknaat for star charts, and when she delivers them, she also enigmatically predicts your destiny to you. Your next assignment is to collect taxes from a town and you're followed by a cowardly little officer who is really there to keep an eye on your party. Clearly, the man in charge of the town is keeping the taxes for himself, but blames it on a band of bandits in the nearby mountains. So you hunt down the bandits who attack you simply because you're part of the imperial army, and you're accusing them of stealing taxes, and because the sniveling officer provokes them and then hides behind you.
You capture the bandits and return them to the town where you are reward with a bunch of money that the officer takes from you, but on the way, you're attacked.
It's a big bug, and your party can't defeat it, so Ted says he's going to try something. He uses some magic from a rune which catches the officer's attention.
Finally, when you head back home, the officer asks Ted to join him briefly for the debriefing. Dinner finished, and a storm raging, you wonder where your best friend is when suddenly you hear the door, and you find him injured and unconscious just inside the door. When he wakes up he explains that his rune is a very powerful and cursed rune called the Soul Eater that the emperor's sorceress, Windy, has been hunting for 300 years, and Ted has been running from her for that long.
He apologizer for the burden, but must transfer the rune to you to keep it protected. He passes out again saying that he can finally sleep peacefully.
Pahn had run to report this all in an attempt to keep your name from being soiled and soon after Soldiers arrive at the door and since you try to defend Ted, you have to confront the soldiers. Ted surrenders to them allowing you the chance to escape, since they still think he still has the Soul Eater.
You run out into the rain and go to the inn in town. The soldiers come looking for you and a big man named Victor uses the confrontation to skip out on the bill for his food. He gets you out of the town, and introduces you to Odessa, who is leading a rebellion against the empire which seems to have become corrupt in the seven years since your father had helped unite it.
A man shows up telling this woman about the bandits you guys captured, and you head out to rescue them since it was your fault they were being tortured. Next you head out with Odessa on a mission to deliver some secret blueprints crucial to the rebellion. The whole time it's this constant thing that you can't be helping rebels, and Cleo and Gremio are trying to keep you from helping the rebels so that you can clear your name, but they follow you no matter what you choose. It also keeps becoming more apparent that there are problems with the empire... So...
Upon returning from the mission, the rebel hideout has been raided and Odessa is killed. She gives you her earring asking you to find her brother Mathui (pronounced Matthew, I think). When you find Mathui he joins you and you end up becoming the leader of the rebellion. Thus begins the search to recruit people to help you... Thus, the 108 stars of Destiny. It's not required to recruit them all... But...
Because of the nature of the Soul Eater Rune, it's curse is that it's bearer will suffer greatly because it takes the souls of those closest the the bearer. During the game, you have to fight and kill your father. He dies happy and very proud of you though.
But the other person who the rune takes is Gremio... Who basically raised you while your father was at war when you were little. Well, he's always trying to protect you, and ends up sacrificing himself to save you about halfway through the game. If you collect all the characters by a certain time in the game, Windy's sister, Leknaat -- who really shows up randomly and helps you out the whole game -- but she appears and brings Gremio back to life with the power of all the stars of destiny gathered together.
Anyway, that's how you get the good ending. Which I have the picture of. Gremio has the green cape and blonde hair on the right while you, the hero, have the green bandanna on the left. But at the end of the game, after saving the empire, you sneak off to live a quiet life. If you gathered all the 108 stars, Gremio is alive and goes with you, but if you didn't, you just go by yourself.

All that said...

Greetings Programs ... End Of Line.

Greetings Programs!

So it's been one of those nights... Again... :-)

I had typed this up on my phone a week or so ago... I'm not one hundred percent on when I wrote it... Saturday night... July 5-6. It was definitely after midnight, which would have made it the 6th. Anyway... Here's what I had to say that night before I fell asleep typing on my phone.

I came home and put in a movie (300) and gathered some chips and dip to snack on. I then flop down on the couch and it takes over me.
I'm too tired to move. The chips are inches away, but it seems like miles. I am completely exhausted.

I just finished the movie, and I've enjoyed quite a few chips. I looked up the actor who played the character who was also the narrator. I now must restrain myself from watching Van Helsing (which he was also in, before 300). Well, as it stands, if I watched Van Helsing, that would lead to a desire to watch Underworld. Which would lead to Underworld Revolution...
I still want to watch Spiderman 3 as well.

END

So tonight... I have more to tell you. I suppose it may be best to say I'm too lazy to try to offer my computer the patience it requires in order for me to get online and blog, so I'm simply texting my blog from my phone.
It seems to be the was I do everything lately. Email, MySpace, FaceBook... I even look stuff up, like that actor from 300.
The downside is that typing on the phone is slow. So I tend to fall asleep while doing it. Generally, I'm laying on the couch in the dark, so it's really quite simple to sleep.

Today I was thinking.
We've lost so much.
I don't remember much from when I was young. I don't know why, but I seem to have blocked out and forgotten many of my memories. Maybe I just have a bad memory and there wasn't much there that I deemed worthy of remembering.
Whatever the reason, I don't remember much.
Anyway, that's going too deep into what I thought. What I really thought of, was children.

We've lost so much since childhood. Kids run out wearing clothes that are too small, and strange colors that would never match, even in the most bizarre sci-fi movie. They don't fill there hair with gunk to keep it looking the same all day long. They don't worry that their hair's blowing in the wind and a complete mess.
I showered today, and didn't do anything with my hair afterward. I like it all soft and fluffy. I didn't dress up fancy when I went to school... Sandals and jeans... My Hawk Nelson is my friend shirt. I had no statement to make. Last week when I went to class I didn't even bother with jeans. I wore those warm up pants... That wind breaker stuff that goes "swish" all the time when you're walking, or just moving. But that was last week... Thursday.
To continue with today, I ate a honey-nut and banana sandwich. The bread is a little stale so I toasted it. The banana was brown and mushy and brown, but not bad on a sandwich looking to satisfy someone who's just trying to fuel the tank.
I really want a hotdog... Cooked on an actual grill, over a flame. I bought some tonight. I've wanted some more hotdogs since I finished the leftovers from my birthday. So I finally got some. Now I just need to go cook 'em on the grill. I tried the microwave tonight... It's okay, but not good enough.

I've had so much on my mind lately. So much that I want to say, but I don't want to write it. I want to speak. Like a narrative. I want to just speak out. I don't want people to be able to interrupt, or inject their comments or opinions. Perhaps if I could record something and post an audio or video blog... I've heard about the video blogs. But how do you do one of those? Especially when you hardly ever get on a computer. I go on my computer about once or twice a month now... Mainly to get bills paid. My computer starts overheating or something before too long. It starts freezing. The only thing I can guess is heat.
I think I want to go into computers. I just finished watching Tron. :-) Really enjoyable movie.
But's as far as school goes, I think I'll focus myself toward computers for now. I also want to get back into playing the piano and learning more music theory. I want a keyboard too.
I wrote a short... I guess it could be called a verse to a song or something. It's about a minute long. I wrote it and recorded myself singing it a couple hours ago. I also have one I did a few weeks back. I'd like to write music.
I truly no longer have much of a desire to write poetry if I'm writing it without a tune. I want to express myself. I want to get it out. I'm probably not a great singer, but I don't care. It's what I desire. I want to break myself out of this prison.

Well, the sun's coming up again.
I have a strange desire to listen to KJ-52 (it's pronounced "five two" after a small boy offering all he had to Jesus, as in five loaves and two 'fishes') He's very good. You should check him out. Think of Eminem, but mixed with a message of love, silliness, cartoons and a bright outlook on life rather than anger and hate. He wrote two songs... Letters... to Eminem - Dear Slim and Dear Slim (part 2)

Well, I've listened to the songs I wanted to hear... Those two, Cartoon Network, and a bonus track called Gimme Dat which is a silly song about Mountain Dew anonymous and being addicted to Mountain Dew.

I've been working on a video game the past couple days. I'm going to go finish it now. It's an old game, but one of my favorites. It's called Suikoden. The second one is the best, but I think the series is up to 5 now. Roman numeral V. I only have up to III. I'd like to try out the others though.
Anyway. I love you guys. Sorry I disappeared.
Just... Some crazy things...
I've only told a couple of you, but my Dad had a heart attack the last Thursday of June. It could've been really bad, but they took care of him so fast... They really did save his life. Anyway, he's doing really well. At least... I'm pretty sure he is. I'm not sure if he's dying of boredom yet, not being allowed to work and all... So he's still tinkering with stuff around the house. Just nothing strenuous. Simple stuff like mounting pictures and stuff. Changing lawn mower belts. Reading about stuff on his computer. I don't even think he's using his tractor or anything... But anyway, he's okay.

I love you guys. All of you. And I hope to see you soon.

Matthew Shane

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