An Eternity (or A year and a half, in retrospect)

It's been so long.

I was just looking over my bookmarks and decided I wanted to post a blog. Doesn't matter that no one reads it. I've been wanting to blog for years. Which reminds me. Here is something I wrote, not too long ago (although, not as recent as I thought, I guess), about that very feeling. Incomplete, and very much not going the direction I wanted to go with it. There are so many things I just don't feel free to say anymore. I've wanted to write about this feeling, but I'm not free to express those thoughts. And so... Silence.

Years of Silence

2014-09-15 (1300) 

What did you expect?
To pick up as if you'd never left?
This life moves on
There is no going back
The only glimpse you'll have
A snapshot in a photograph

Years of silence
I haven't written a thing
How amazing!
This wonder of expressing

A simple memory
Brought it all back to me
All the moments
I can't see so clearly
Struggle and pain
Slowly weakening
Then life bursts out of the nothing
A phoenix erupting into flame

What did you expect of me?
That I'd just be here waiting?
This life moves on
As if it never happened
The only evidence (a historical record)
A faulty camera in our mind (What is a memory?)

Ah!! That wasn't the one I was thinking of, but they share a similar train of thought. Here's the more recent one I was thinking of. Still, incomplete. The idea was to be practicing silence, which later would become practicing lies. I guess I kind of hint to that in the end, but it still wasn't complete.

Practicing Silence 2015-01-20 (1730)

(inspired while listening to Mike Mains and the Branches)

Well I've been practicin' silence
Such a long time - practicin' silence
That it's so clear in my head
Every word that you said
(Well, that's every word you spoke in my head)
Such a long time coming my way
And I've been practicin' silence
Long enough to adapt to the sirens
Now the sounds ring
Loud in my head
It was all in my head
2015-01-27 (1617)
(Only ever in my head)
A skipping record
Left on repeat these six long years
And I've been lying in silence
I've been mastering the craft
An expert in the art
Of leaving truths unsaid

Notes:

First verse - Practicing Silence
Second verse - Practicing lies

Then something else I wrote:

Not in a writing mood 2014-12-23

I'm here for the fall
And what's going on?
Another heart to pass along
To fall in love again
Such a feeling of deceit

I'm not in a writing mood tonight
2014-12-23 (0140)

Where I once experienced blinding light

Now is just a symbol of weight
Pulling me down
In the depths of the sea
Darkness fading me
2014-12-23 (0841)

And most recently this:

Swallowed Whole 2015-01-26 (1645)

As I venture into darkness
No thoughts of what would happen
Thinking only of escape
There is no escape
There is no relief
For all the talk you can make
There is no fix, no cure
Who would care anyway?
Who would really,
    Care?
A broken heart is a heavy empty (w)hole
Who would take note?
    If I actually didn't show?
The words come with weight I cannot bear
"Acting out"
"It's only a phase"
    "It's for attention"...
Do we have your attention now?

Exhaustion pulls me down
Eyelids flutter like butterfly stones
How much faith does it take?
For all the talk  that you can make
    There is no...
    Just close your eyes and sleep
Sleep counting sheep
But it still haunts your dreams
Friction when it should be sleek
Smooth as ice
Only the silence breaks the noise
The longer I'm alone
The better my chances
    And all the better to eat you with
Swallowed whole

Blinded

As I tried to open my eyes, a pain shot through my head, ringing through my ears. I tried to relax my eyelids, but the silence blared on, ringing in my ears; my closed eyes continued to burn. I blinked them open against the searing pain, but quickly closed them again.