Email, AIM Conversation, Quotes... blah blah blah

Blog from when I was using LiveJournal.

[	mood	|	Blah	]
[	music	|	Dead Poetic (Brought my MP3 player tonight)	]

Email to Lui
Man, I've really been thinking about Megan a lot since she sent me that email about the survey thing. She really did change who I was. I was a completely different person with her. Here by myself I'm depressed, and hating life. There's so much 'stuff' around me, but I'm not interested in it. Not movies or video games. I want friends. I want company. I want to live, not watch life being acted out on tv.I should go to the word, and go the the Lord, but I can't find the motivation to do so. I know that I should do it. I just don't want to do it. I feel too bored to read, which really makes no sense because you usually read when you're bored and have nothing else to do. Maybe that's the problem. There are other things to do. But I don't want to do them, and since I don't want to do them, I'm not bored enough to read...??? I'm confusing myself. I know what I mean, I just don't know how to write it. Man I hate this keyboard. I should just write letters and mail them. It seems more personal. But I don't have the money to buy stamps. Well, I do, or I could just use the stamp machine at my mom's office, but I don't know. Maybe I will.
I feel like I'm wasting away. Megan sent me that email trying to give me some worth, but all it did was degrade my worth, because I know I have all those things {gifts}, and here I am sitting here doing nothing with them. What a waste...

Here is an AIM conversation I just had.
HVW: ahoy!
GuardedLegacy: hey
HVW: how's it going?
GuardedLegacy: I'm not sure
HVW: why not?
GuardedLegacy: Well, I'm kinda hating life at the moment... I hate it here
HVW: mmm
GuardedLegacy: I am bored to death
GuardedLegacy: I'm sick of movies and video games
HVW: yeah
HVW: people ar e better
GuardedLegacy: I went for a walk today, that was okay, but yes... I need people
GuardedLegacy: and there just aren't any
HVW: mmm
HVW: i'm sorry
HVW: i hate being lonely
GuardedLegacy: I should be reading my bible or something, but I just have no motivation to do it
HVW: yeah
GuardedLegacy: I just don't want to do anything
HVW: yeah
GuardedLegacy: I just sit at home....
HVW: yeah
HVW: that's usually what i do
HVW: even if i can motivate myself to watch a movie or play a game it doesn't distract me for long
GuardedLegacy: If you're ever looking at a map, and you see a big black void in the panhandle of Florida, it's Marianna
HVW: hmm
HVW: is there no one your age there?
GuardedLegacy: There's like no one at all here
HVW: mmm
GuardedLegacy: well there are....
GuardedLegacy: but not where I live
GuardedLegacy: my house is about 20 miles from where I am now, and I'm at my mom's office right now
HVW: well, things will get better. sounds like they can't really get any worse, so the only way you can go is up
GuardedLegacy: Church tomorrow, the youth group has about 8 members, and half are Jr. High, and the older half are immature, not in a Sweendog way, but in a non-experienced way. Like they've never been or done anything in their lives
HVW: yeah
GuardedLegacy: I hope that's true... because I seem to be crashing to the bottom pretty fast
HVW: well, always remember that romans verse: "and we rejoice in our sufferings because suffering produces perseverance, perseverance character, and character hope."

This is something a friend of mine said...
"Oh i wish i wasn't so selfish. I feel bad. These livejournals are generally for selfish people who think that people care: when they don't."
I would like to support that comment in my current mood, but I just can't agree with it. Yes this does seem very selfish at times. But it is also a way to share what Is going on to everyone, without having to explain the same story 10 million times. People do care, My Friend. We do. Some people read and I'm sure they don't. But the people that read constantly are one of at least two things. One, they are interested and they sincerely care, or two, you have an interesting life, and reading about it keeps them entertained.

On to another subject; Mom Webb left a comment for me, and I was just thinking about my shirt for the band The Victim Of... Mr. Webb's right about me and that shirt. Because I do act like I am the victim of... (insert disaster here). It's almost like you name it, and I'll find a way to complain about it. It's sad. I truly am pathetic at times.

I'm sorry I have no poetry for you. I picked up my lastest notepad today, wanting to read through, and see if I could work on any incomplete poems I had, which I know I have a few. I skimmed a couple pages, and then tossed it across the room. I just want to see people. I was curled up in a ball this afternoon, listening to music. One song, that I haven't heard for a while came on my MP3 player (set on random) and I played it a couple times. It's called August Winterman by Dead Poetic, click here for the lyrics. Just reading the lyrics doesn't really do it. Hearing the song really expresses the emotion. The near whisper of the verses, and then the screech of the word PERFECT in the chorus. It really needs to be heard. But anyway, for nearly an hour, I just sat, curled up, half asleep in this ball, listening to music. This is no way to live.
I'm sorry...
There was an awesome sunset today. Some of the clouds were almost red. Not pink, but red. It was really cool. By the time I got to where I could take a good picture, they had become more of a pink, but it was still really cool. That was while I was driving, I had to drive around in a big circle to get back to where I fist saw the sunset to take the picture. Oh well. Earlier I went for a walk with my dog. I tried to take a picture of a rabbit, but it was too far away, and I couldn't get any closer without scaring it. I took some pictures of a little pond in the woods. I also tried taking a picture of the path leading back to the pond, but I don't think my camera has the focusing abilities to make it look the way it did in real life; like a tunnel of trees. It was cool.
This afternoon, my walk, and the sunset and, and my attitude toward this place. I really feel like just screaming. Someone please save me from this beautiful hell
Well, I'm tired, and I'm kind of tired of just blabbering on here. So I'm going to stop stealing your time with my 'victim of' attitude. This entry really does seem selfish.

With apologies
Matt

A Night Of Inspiration...

Blog from when I was using LiveJournal.

[	mood	|	I'm kind of bored... I think	]
[	music	|	(in my head) Bright Eyes - At the Bottom of Everything	]

On the way home after my last entry, I was inspired again. I stopped in the middle of a road somewhere and wrote it down. The fifteen minutes I was there, no one drove past. But then again it was about two... well one in the morning here, but all my clocks are set to EST... and so are heaven's. Well, this is just a weird poem. I just wrote random thoughts from the drive home, and then finished it with thoughts from the ending from an AIM conversation I had had with a friend that night before I drove home. I left off the last line, because I don't know what inspired it, and I don't really remember what I meant by it. Question the title if you like. As I was driving home, there was smoke from something burning, I believe there was also a fog, which I wrote about, but it may have all been smoke, but anyway, the smoke, at first smelled like smoked meat of some sort, and then of fresh coffee beans.

Smoking Meat And Coffee

Freight train headed down this backwater country road
Breakneck speeds it's headed right for me
Or am I headed straight for it
Oh, wait
It's just an old barn
And a fluorescent flood light
And this curve in the road
The moon makes this fog glow
I think I made a bad turn somewhere
There's definitely something shining
Maybe it's that light
Through the trees around the corner
Oh, let's just be lazy tonight
Ends up we just make a simple thing complicated
Goodnight, dear Little One
The moon smiles upon you
Ah, it is true
For it lights my path
On the dark windy road
Aww... Goodnight
Signing off...

I hope my friend doesn't mind the nickname Little One. It just seems to fit so well, and I have become quite fond of it in the few moments I have thought about it.
Signing off now
With Love
Matt

An Interesting Day I Suppose...

Blog from when I was using LiveJournal.

[	mood	|	Interested	]
[	music	|	I miss the music, but not as much as you all	]

I woke up at 2 in the afternoon, EST. Ate some cereal, and then headed out to work. I used some bug-be-gone stuff around the outside of the house like my dad told me to do. Then I decided I would get to work on the hole he needed dug out back.
Does anybody remember me saying that I'd dig a hole out here cause there'd be nothing else to do. I don't remember who I said that to, if I said it to anyone at all. It was a joke... at the time.
Well, after digging a while, I headed over to the lake and sat there a while. I sat at a table for a while, waiting for people to leave. There were too many people there for my taste... which could honestly be possibly less than 5 knowing how shy or isolated I feel at times. After a few minutes, I felt weird sitting there. Not sure if people were looking at me and wondering if I was some kind of stalker or child molester or something. I just lay there on my towel, and faced away from the lake just so nobody thought I was looking. I acted like I was waiting for my family, and every time a car came by I looked... about 6 cars in like 90 mins.. Well, I had sort of been waiting for family, but my cousins never showed up. After what seemed like forever, maybe 30 mins. to an hour, I gave up on waiting, and decided to go into the water. It was slightly cold. I just swam out a short ways and swam in place. I didn't want to face the shore, cause I didn't want nearby parents thinking I was watching their children, who were very entertaining by the way. Reminds me of my childhood, where you just make up games on the spot, and take turns... Shark attack... Alligator attack... Fishing (for brother/sister) (with some sort of water plant life being the rod/line). Oh, at the very least they were fun to listen too. So I stood in the water, where just my head was out of the water, and I kicked my feet at the bottom, otherwise little fish came up and nibbled on my feet.
After I was in the water for about five minutes, a big group of kids playing on the metal island decided to go play on shore. Baseball, then later as I was leaving football. But anyway, I swam out to the floating metal island, and sat on the ladder for a minute, but remember what I said about fish biting my feet if I didn't move them, well something bit my back, and I think it surprised me more than it hurt, but I think it did hurt. I quickly jumped up on the island, and sat there. The wind was cold on my wet body, but I didn't want to get back in the water. I sat there until I was nearly dry. At first I stared out over the lake, then I watched some men working on the nearby dock. Occasionally I would glance over and see what the two little kids were doing. This is when they played all those games I mentioned. There parents weren't really watching, they were... eyeing each other... it seemed. So I didn't mind glancing over to watch the two little ones play. It was so peaceful out there. I saw an occasional turtle pop up and then dive again.
I watched the men work on the dock, watched the two play near the shore, watched a group of pre-teen boys play sports, and stared off over the lake.
When I was nearly completely dry, the little girl went to play on the playground, and her brother went to play with the group of boys now playing football. He had quite an arm. I watched everything for a little while longer. The men finished with the dock, and I decided it was getting time to leave. I didn't want to go back in the water. But after a few moments, I dove in and glided toward the shore.
I headed back home and took a shower. Then I sat down to play Prince of Persia (2): Warrior Within. I ate some Sun...kist (That's a drink right?) chips (I'm not sure what they're called). Anyway, I ate some of those... nearly a whole bag, and drank some apple juice while playing. The first P.o.P. was an awesome game. I highly recommend it. Great story, easy enough to play, puzzles that were not too challenging and quite a bit of fun to figure out, and the game was pretty short too. I beat it in under 10 hours the first time I played, not guides or help or anything. Well, I played, and beat it yesterday for the second time (just over 6 hrs.), and I decided it was time to get the next one, since a third installment should be out in November. Yes, the first was that good, that I'd be interested enough to play the sequels, even if I knew very little about them. So I picked up PoP:WW at Wal-mart and started playing last night. I didn't like it at first, but decided that it would get better once I learned the new controls, and understood more of the new story. I do like it more now that I've gotten further, but I still like the first one better (it's a hard game to improve on). The second one is entertaining though. I reached a particularly puzzling puzzle and couldn't get past it at the moment, so I decided I'd had enough video games for the day, and I headed here to my mom's office because she needed some files emailed to her.
I was inspired... just briefly on the way, and wrote a short poem when I got here. So that was the main point of this entry.

05/25/2005 (22:20)
Talking to the taillights
It's the best conversation I've had all night
And it wouldn't have lasted
Had the train not stayed our progress
On my way to the wires
To see all my friends
Oh my life is a fable
None of them ever knew me
But for brief moments of loss
Not just another chapter: 'boring'
Oh, not at all...
It was such a wonderful story.

If it doesn't express it, which is doesn't really, but I miss you guys and gals. The McKelvey's were leaving today for Texas, and Bible study was tonight. Student Venture is tomorrow. Anybody mind me bringing my dog and staying for a couple days. There's a get-together next Monday at the Hart's house at 14:00 until whenever. Bring a bathing suit and towel (and something to grill and a side dish, I think).
Well, the poem starts off, the taillights of the car in front of me looked like eyes. So that inspired all of this. Next, we were stopped by a train. So I put the car in park and wrote down the first few lines. When I got to my mom's office, which was a couple blocks away from the tracks, my mind was spitting ideas and surprisingly I remembered them... I think. Well, the 'wires' were the computers, or the phones... the only way I really talk to you guys now. And then I put in the fable and no one knew me, except for moments of loss... Ah, I guess it's explainable by itself. The end is expressing my surprise at knowing that I'm not just another boring chapter in life, but I actually have an interesting story, and you have shown me that you enjoyed it before you lost it.
Well, some odd stuff happened while I've been here at the office. I was checking some emails, and ended up at some random MySpace account somehow, and seeing a recent entry titled 'boyfriend application,' I had to check it out. Yes, it was a literal application. I couldn't help but laugh, and wish that life were that simple. I've thought about it before... It seems like it would be easier to interview girls, rather than date them. I just find out, first of all, if we're at all compatible, and then we can move into something from there. But I don't think girls would like that too much.
Anyway, It's about midnight EST, and I should be heading home. I miss you all. Bring me back, I beg you...

With love (to my 'hopefully interested and not bored' readers)
Matt

COMMENTS

	kathyxwithxaxk 2005-05-27 09:20 pm UTC (link) Select
	Dig a hole all of the way back to jacksonville. I miss your company very much. No one else at youth group appreciates Bright Eyes or crackers like you did/do. Please come back, and bring your mustang, too! Much love, ahh well you should know who this is (Reply to this)(Thread)

guardedlegacy 2005-05-28 12:19 am UTC (link) Select

Who would I be if I didn't know who it was? I do long to come home. I hate this metallic, emotionless communication. I think at times it would be better to be in person or not at all... but... I do miss your dance. I don't know what was better, your dance, or your expression. "...We must hang up in the belfry where the bats and moonlight laugh, We must stare into a crystal ball and only see the past..." Memories are odd. Happy, sad... The ones that make you smile usually get you depressed within a few minutes. They are odd. With love, dear Little One... Matt

Sorry, No Poetry

Blog from when I was using LiveJournal.

[	mood	|	AHHHHHH... Nothing to do!!!!!	]
[	music	|	None, I'm not at home in the comfort of music	]

You know, you really don't fully appreciate everything you have until it is suddenly, utterly and completely gone.

Just like all of you beautiful people... Gone
All the bible studies... Gone
Murray Hill Theatre... Gone
Walmart... (30 mins away)
Movie theater... (2 screens, 30+ mins away)

I MISS YOU ALL

The only thing you guys are going to have to miss is me, if you miss anything at all. But I am going to miss all of you, and everything there that there was to do with you.
And as it is looking, my chances of coming back next year for school aren't looking too bright. I think I'm gonna be out here. I don't even know if I'm gonna be able to get a job for the summer. My parents want me to work at my mom's office, which is where I am now, by the way. I have not internet at my house, not even a phone line. So I'm here at my mom's office, borrowing a computer to plot my evil plans of escape. Please, someone come visit me. I met some people at church yesterday, and they were cool and all, but nothing compared to you guys. They were too young, and very... not immature... but... innocent?... naive?... I don't know, they just didn't seem to be real deep thinkers. I don't know that my shirts are going to catch too many eyes out here... I am sad.
Well, after a not-so-great first day here, Sunday was a little better. But now my family is all abandoning me for a week and a half or so. Not really, but they are going back to Jupiter, and leaving me here to take care of the bird and the dog. Cell phones don't work too well, there's hardly any reception. But call me anyway, as long as I'm not driving I can usually find somewhere to stand where reception is okay.
I will have two entire houses to myself for the next week at least, maybe a bit longer. Come on over and PARTY everybody... Just hop on I-10, head west. I'm not sure what exit number it is, I think around 142 or something, but there are 2 Marianna exits. Take the first one. Go to your right off the exit ramp, and down the street, you can see it from the highway, is a SuperWalmart. Cheap gas there, especially if you go inside and buy a Walmart shopping card. Then you pay for gas with that, and you save 3 cents a gallon. If you're coming over just call me up, I'll get you better directions then. No, I don't live at the Super Walmart.
Please come visit. I love you all... I need inspiration to write. Inspire me. There's nothing out here.

Love
Matt

Last Entry Before Move, Gonna Miss All Of You

Blog from when I was using LiveJournal.

[	mood	|	Missing You Already	]
[	music	|	Mae- This Time Is The Last Time (currently) Random MP3player	]

Last night at Student Venture was awesome. Lauren had come by just to say goodbye to Cory and myself, and then she had to leave. I had no idea what I was going to sign in the yearbooks that people handed to me. First was Cory's, and I think I did all right. I'm not sure what I wrote, but I think it'll be okay. Next was Megan's. Talk about not knowing what to say. It came out with no method... just madness. I wrote something, somewhere in the middle of my paragraph saying that I was sorry I was messing up her yearbook because I didn't have a clue what I was writing. And then I included a poem that I have given to her before, but I made some changes to it in the yearbook. I think I messed that up too. I don't even know if I got the title right. Well, then it was Amanda's. That was pretty short. And Courtney's was really short. I realized after signing Megan's yearbook that I hadn't left any contact information or anything. I had really wanted to leave that, but I started with Amanda's. I did go back and give Cory my contact info though, so that was good. Megan already has it.
Anyway, at some point Justin spelled his name with his booty dance. That was entertaining. I just tried my own, I have no idea how I did, and none of you will ever find out... Sorry. I didn't get to say goodbye to Megan because I was signing Courtney's yearbook, but that's okay, I'll probably see her when I come back in June. You know, my sister is having all of her friends visit Marianna for her birthday. But I'm visiting my friends in Jacksonville for mine. But then again, my sister is also having a weird party. I kind of don't want to be around when it happens. I'm not usually a big fan, or a small fan for that matter, of her friends. By the way. If you get me anything for my birthday, make it pictures. That's all I want. I want to remember all of you. Thank you guys for the card. I've already packed it away, but I will put it up somewhere where I can see it in my new house. I do things like that. Megan and I really would be perfect, it's funny. She'd throw stuff away, and I'd keep it. Well, I think I've let her go... All that's left now is goodbye. Now that it's on my mind... I don't want to let go. Just keep praying.
On to the end of the night. Lui's yearbook. AMAZING!!! I didn't have a clue what I was going to write. So I started looking through some poems I had written recently, and I found one that had been inspired by Twothirtyeight's song 'This Town Will Eat You.' I had just written it that afternoon, a couple hours before Student Venture. Aside from the last line, it seemed perfect, so I sat down and thought up an ending, and then decided that this is still a work in progress. But this is what went into Lui's yearbook:

Someday when things are slow again
We'll burn this city down
With all our memories within
We'll burn this demon down
Dancing in acid rain with hands
Raised high to praise the sound
Echoed screams of shattered dreams
We'll see this darkness drown
Someday when things are slow again
We'll burn this city down
The Lord has held us in His hands
We'll watch this pain all drown
05/19/2005

I wrote some more things for him, and then he had to go to talk to a friend before it was too late. So we left. What I wrote for Lui, was simply amazing; maybe not the poem, but everything else. I have never signed a yearbook like that. Usually when I sign yearbooks it's always just 'Have a great summer, Matt.' But tonight I don't think I ever mentioned summer. Because these are people I could possibly never see again. But I will. I'm sure.
Okay, I owe you some poems from the last few days don't I? Well really quickly. I still need to finish packing although there isn't much left. This is the one I tried writing for Megan before seeing SW3: ROTS. I think it's lame. It was combining a recent poem, 'Your Face Here (Have Your Way),' with ideas from an old poem called 'Midnight Pajama Parade (I Thought Well of Farewell).' You can tell by the last few lines that I just gave up at the end. There was too much noise in the theater, and I couldn't concentrate. So I decided to wander around the theater and visit friends, and then the movie started.

Sleep It Off

Again I thought so well
But never planned to say
Oh it doesn't want to be said
And all these words fill up my head
Oh the wild things we think of
All the wild things
And this is all that we have left
We've given in to death
And this is all that I'll have left
Memories from when I slept
Dreaming of beauties I can't recall
I think I need to sleep it off
Because I haven't found out yet
Why I'm sinking into death
Why these words, they fill my head
And I'm drowning in artistic genius
But not enough to say
What I thought so well of
But how can what has to be said
Be good?
When it all only turns out to be time
Passing bye...
Empty meaningless words
Emotions they fail to express
I'll have more inspiration
Once I give my mind a rest
I think I need to sleep it off

05/18/2005

And then when I woke up in the morning, I started something but never finished it. Now it makes me think of something God might have been writing to me because I was reluctant to get up. Here are the thoughts that came out;

Oh wipe the sleep from your eyes my Darling
You weren't out all night
Writing your heart out for
The Dear One you love
05/19/2005

I'm also going to include The Midnight Pajama Parade. The (...) The three periods stand for 'I' 'Love' 'You'. Just so it makes sense at the end.

Midnight Pajama Parade (I Thought Well of Farewell)

I’ll be ...Left behind without a smile

To greet me with ‘goodbye’

I’ll write ...Farewell to all the sleepless

...Nights you leave behind

Fare-(not-so)-well to all the bad dreams

But who was that beautiful girl in mine?

I’ll never know

Even though I tried

But to continue

The other dreams I recognized

All failed to remember to

Remember her name ...For me

Dream well!!! ...For me

Dream well!!! ...For your memories

Sleep now and dream

Rest well for the morning comes

Don’t leave without “please”

“Please think of me”

Sleep well and fantasize

Now wake well with no sleepy eyes

Don’t blink on your trip

Savor every moment

But know I’ll be there if you fall

You know God’ll catch you if you fall

Take voyage

And safe return to me

But not to me only

For now this is my prayer

This is ...My best wishes of love ...to you

Sleep well and dream

Remember for me

I will see you on your return ...Don’t forget

I will hug you on your return ...Don’t forget

Don’t forget your duty to return

We still love you so please return

I will follow when you fail to

We still love you so please return

You leave to fetch your medicines

I pray they keep you well

Windows Sun Beauty and Breeze

I pray that they keep you well

I pray in time

For this world will pass away

And it will leave you smiling...

You know that you will be smiling

Keep well...

If just for the effort of this parade

Keep well...

Poorly thought out to simply say

(...) Farewell

01/15/2005

With thanks and love

(...) Farewell
Matthew Shane

COMMENTS

Bye Matt!! humble_love 2005-05-20 09:39 pm UTC (link) Select

Hey Matt! I thought I would leave a "goodbye" comment. Although hopefully I'll see you at swing dancing at Murray Hill. But if not here it goes. I will miss you deeply. And of course I will remember to take lots of pictures for you and when you return will make a spiffy thing for you to keep of all the memories here in Jax. Your poems are amazing, so never stop writing. :) If you don't mind, I think I will print all of your poems out and put them around my room...or something to that effect. I totally wish I could write like that. God has really given you a gift, so remember to use it for Him!! Also be praying for me. Just for everything. That I will realize that everything is God's and will not be mad at Him for taking all of my friends away, but instead praise His name. And just also pray that I will be able to hear whatever God wants me to do and to figure out my gifts. I hope God blesses you with many more friends in Marianna. I will most definitely be keeping in contact with you. And whenever you should need comfort, go to the Lord and rest in His arms. - Amanda (Reply to this)(Thread)

	Re: Bye Matt!! guardedlegacy 2005-05-23 07:31 pm UTC (link) Select
	Yay, Comments.... awwww... they're like happy-sad comments... I am sad. I miss you guys. Thank you for missing me too Matt (Reply to this)(Parent)

	kathyxwithxaxk 2005-05-22 12:32 pm UTC (link) Select
	i will miss you very much Matt. I am glad that you are there safely, but i still miss you. Hopefully i will be seeing you very soon when you come back for a visit. (Reply to this)(Thread)

	guardedlegacy 2005-05-23 07:32 pm UTC (link) Select
	Yay, Comments.... awwww... they're like happy-sad comments... I am sad. I miss you guys. Thank you for missing me too Matt

Revenge Of The Sith

Blog from when I was using LiveJournal.

[	mood	|	That Movie... *sigh*... Megan?	]
[	music	|	Copeland - 'California' and 'Don't Slow Down'	]

I just got back from seeing Star Wars Episode III (3): Revenge Of The Sith. Great movie, although, if I didn't know the movies after it, I would say the ending was lame. Kind of like LotR: The Fellowship of the Ring. It just leaves you hanging, and you're like, "Come on... I gotta wait for the sequel?" So it’s a good thing that the sequel (Star Wars Episode IV (4): A New Hope) is already out.

Man, I relate too well with Anakin. I know what God has called me to (well, sort of... Ministry... somewhere), but I’m tempted to take a different path, and seek personal gain. And my faith falters far too often. I'm sure I'm going to have nightmares from the scene in the movie where Anakin cries, "I HATE YOU!" This movie is so sad, but we knew it had to go this way. The hero must fall. There are a lot of spiritual congruencies in these movies. It's amazing.

I was going to stay up all night. I wanted to try to come up with something to write in Megan and Cory's Yearbooks, and also Lui's. I have so much to do before I go, but not enough time. I am going to miss everyone here so much. But I am exhausted, and must rest now. Enjoy my shortest journal entry thus far. Later today I will submit some poems that I wrote and/or tried to write before the movie started.

Thank you all

With Love

M. Shane

P.S. By the way, I'm being weird, and when I move out to Marianna, I want to be known as Shane for some reason, so yeah, that's what the M. Shane is all about.

Megan, Megan, Megan... *Sigh* ... It's all about me isn't it?

Blog from when I was using LiveJournal

[	mood	|	distressed	]
[	music	|	Showbread - Stabbing Art To Death	]

Well, I called Megan last night. I was walking around down near the hospital. It was beautiful out there. I told her a lot about how I felt, but it seems there is still nothing to come out of this relationship. I feel like I opened my heart to her, and was as honest as I could be, but it seems like she's still holding things back. She says that the reasons we broke up were all her problems, or something to do with her. But there's gotta be something to do with me. Why am I trying to turn this into an attack against her? She didn't do anything to me... well, I guess, yes she did. But ... Why am I so hurtful all the time? Why am I so selfish? Why am I so weak?
She may come to the Wednesday night bible study, but we aren't going to be bible studying. I think we're going out to dinner or something. Last night I was excited that Megan was going to try to come. But now... I'm not sure. I don't know if I want her there. There seems to be no hope of anything. Why is it that I do this? I create a mass stock-pile of hope in my heart and mind, and then I turn it into a giant spike and stab myself in the back with it, and get all depressed. At least my memories of her are all happy... mostly... I think...
Some people tell me I need a 'rebound girl.' Others say I need to stop seeing her. A lot of people tell me to stop thinking about her, and that I shouldn't miss her. Few people encourage my hope for love. A lot of people are sad that it didn't work out, but most tell me to just throw in the towel. I wish I knew what God was telling me to do. It seems He's on the side of hope, but not from Megan's point of view. So who is imagining their own God, and who is hearing from the real God?

wow, this is interesting... okay, I know it's not the work of a pro, but some of it rhymes...

Some people tell me
I need a 'rebound girl.'
Others say
I need to stop seeing her.
A lot of people tell me
to stop thinking about her,
and that I shouldn't miss her.
Few people
encourage my hope for love.
A lot of people are sad that it didn't work out,
but most tell me to just throw in the towel.
I wish I knew what God was telling me to do.
It seems He's on the side of hope, but not from Megan's point of view.
So who is imagining their own God,
and who is hearing from the real God?

And here's something I just wrote that may or may not have anything to do with this. I don't know. I think this is mostly about self... whatever that means.

Touch your lips to your finger tips
(And) Fling them out in every direction
Is this just a shattered kiss?
Or is this insurrection?
My heart is stabbing itself in the back
Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Who would've known
That True Love's greatest enemy
Was Hope
Hope! Hope! Hope! To live without
It's like the "happy" song you're crying (all) about
So here I've got the towel
To throw it in
Or hold it close
Paint Your Word
On my heart
Here it explodes
Burn! Burn! Burn! To ashes deeply
Oh my heart will cease its beating
I've grown to comfort with this pacing
So smile... Smile! Smile! Smile!
... And turn away
05/17/2005

Okay, I've got to go now. I've got to walk over to the Webb's. More walking... I'm enjoying this time to praise. Well, sorry about this entry, this is not at all what I wanted to say. I wanted to say more about what I talked to Megan about, but I guess that is best kept between us. I kind of wish I knew of a way to tell Megan that it can't all be her fault. I was in the relationship too. Oh well, I gotta go. I hope my car's ready soon.
With Love
M. Shane (Oh the Shame) E.

Walking is Refreshing

Blog from when I was using LiveJournal.

[	mood	|	Chaos, Peace, Chaos, Peace...	]
[	music	|	Copeland - California, Mae - The Everglow	]

I didn't sleep well last night, I kept falling asleep while I was trying to do something (Like the Cornerstone journal I just submitted). But since I was trying to do things, my mind wasn't sleeping, it was trying to focus on what I was trying to do when I fell asleep. I had a dream about Megan, and a couple other dreams too, but I don't really remember them. I wrote this poem when I got up this morning

Your Face Here

(Have Your Way)

And this is all that we have left

I have given in to death

Disease and decay are quickly taking over me

And this is all that I have left

Memories from when I slept

Dreaming of you in my mind

It is working overtime

I need to sleep it off

As it is written black on pink

"Your Face Here" upon my heart

Oh, is this truly art?

Because I haven't found out yet

Why I'm sinking into death

But these words and these rhymes are filling up my head

And I am drowning

Drifting in artistic genius

Why won't these words ever fit this?

Oh my rhyming's never 'on'

And my timing's always 'off'

Oh, Lord, bring happiness

She is growing ever beautiful

And as always I'm a funeral

Buried deep inside

The mourning of unending lethal weaponry

Scream to get out

Stabbing myself in the back

This will be the death of me

And I'm never caring now

Of why I'm always fallen down

I am on my knees

Begging You for peace

And these weapons are impaling me

Cutting 'in'- to-'out'

And I am bleeding

Oh Father, Have your way in me

Father, have your way in me

I am fallen on my knees

Begging You for peace

As it is written, so

Shall it be done

"Your Face Here" upon my heart

Have Your way in me

05/16/05

After writing this, I took my car to the shop, and then Mrs. Webb took me to their house, I had lunch with them, and then I walked home, (maybe a 45-minute walk ???) it was a good walk. I listened to my MP3 player while walking, and prayed about Megan and me. I listened to the song California, by Copeland, a couple times, and then set my player on random. And I took some pictures of some beautiful roses I saw at a house on my way. I really want to talk to Megan.

Once again, thank you for reading

With Love

Matt