| [ | mood | | |  Tired and Confused | ] |
| [ | music | | | Start with Copeland - California... (Sigh... Megan) then back to Mae (Thanks Lauren) | ] |
I'll work on this in a minute. Not that you guys aren't priority in my life, but I gotta rip out my contacts before my eyes shrivel.
Okay, now that I can see and some music's playing... wow this is depressing... but I think I'm too upset with the dryer to be depressed. Two hours and fifty minutes in the dryer (that's 170 minutes) and my clothes are still wet. So, be right back again, gotta lay them out to dry since I can't run laundry after 10:00 and I gotta work at like 6:00.
GRRRRR.... My Edison shirt (the one with the Duck/Bunny) is dying... I'm gonna have to retire it. I love it, but it just isn't lasting. Back to hanging clothes, be right back.
Okay, I just don't get it. I'm furious. I mean just plain out in a rage. I want to blame it all on Megan, but I'm not really that mad at her ... STOP SIGNING ON AND OFF LINE MIKE... that's it, off my buddy list. Anyway, I'm mad at the dryer, I'm mad about how I've been treated at work, I'm mad at Mike now, I'm mad at myself... I don't want to move to Marianna. But if nothing else, I gotta get out of this place I'm living now. The bathroom is nearly unbearable... please, do me a favor and don't ask.
I've been having a great past few days... don't know exactly why, but I'm cool with it. But now it's just going down hill. Okay I'm changing the music. Box Car Racer - I Feel So.
So, I have hope one minute, and things are going great. Now I feel like Peter, when he walked on water. He was like 'Jesus, if that's you; let me walk out to you.' But then when he got on the water he was like 'Look at what I'M doing' and then he started to sink. I have hope, and then I get excited and am like I'm hopeful. And then I get depressed.
I think one of my main problems recently is that I'm sick of caring. Too many examples of this to not let them be know:
Taking Back Sunday: "So sick, so sick of being tired, and oh so tired of being sick..."
Box Car Racer: "...I'm tired, Can't smile no more, I've sure caved in just like before..."
A.F.I. (A Fire Inside): "...I'd show a smile but I'm too weak, I'd share with you could I only speak, Just how much this hurts me..."
I'm just sick of it, and don't want to deal with anything. I'm kind of glad I didn't get many hugs at youth group tonight. Had I received hugs from a select few people, I think I would have just collapsed. Of course I was fine then. It's now that I'm going to collapse. I just want to hold someone close... start crying... keep crying... and just let it all out. I just want to unleash all of this.
Well, there's so much that I want to say right now, but I'm just not in the right mood. I have work in the morning. I probably need sleep, but I don't want it. Still, here I go.
You'd be surprised how much of this anger is really just pent up, unaccepted, and rejected love
Open to and thankful for your prayers
Matt
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