So, Wednesday morning I woke up feeling like I wanted to carry an umbrella. It was a beautiful day, all day. No rain at all. But I still had this feeling in my gut that it was a nice day to carry an umbrella. :-)
So when I got off work... I carried around my umbrella... Even though I never opened it.
05/28/08 (11:45)
I know the sun is shining
It's only raining in my heart
And I'm still smiling
But it just seems like such a fine day...
A nice day for an umbrella.
And... I'm planning a party! :-)
I just rearranged most of my furniture in preparation. I'm excited!!!
I think it will be June 19 AND 20. Two days of wild and crazy games and movies and music and fun for my 22nd birthday (which is actually on the 15th). How does that sound? Two for 22.
We will grill up some burgers and hot dogs... Fry some fries and other foods to fry. Drink soda and energy drinks. Car-pool our way out to Graceville to play Smashball with it's creator, Josiah. Wii battles battles with Mario Kart, Smash Brothers Brawl, Guitar Hero III...
You really don't want to miss this. More info to come soon, when I get the dates officially finalized.
Oh... The greatest part... The reason I'm throwing the party... It's not really for my birthday, that was just an excuse. It was an excuse to invite friends from Jacksonville to come visit Marianna... Since I'm always visiting Jacksonville.
Sad to say, but I believe only Austin will make it... Hopefully his brother Jonathan as well. But it looks like everyone else is too busy... Not to say they don't want to come... They just can't fit it in with school and work and all.
Anyway... More news, and official invites to come. :-)
"Your face here" upon my heart with love...
Matthew Shane...
Friday, May 30, 2008
A nice day (for an umbrella) [continued]
So I guess now I've seen everything (but maybe not really...).
Friday, May 9, 2008
Happily, After (I'm Gone)
So, you know...
I've just realized, (and almost a month away from 22 is probably entirely too late, but) happy endings... True love... Fairy tales???
None of it will ever happen. I'm so tired of it. No one believes in anything anymore!
Everyone's so caught up in getting what they want, and getting their fill of sex that they can't simply find pure joy in giving what they love the most. All I've ever wanted was love. I believed in it. I waited for it. I dreamt of it. I lived for it.
But for what... Why?
No one will ever believe in the simplicity of it. Everything always has to be so complicated. It will never exist if people never truly believe. Sure, a happy ending is what everyone wants, but no one fully believes with all their heart that they'll accomplish it. No wonder I just want to leave.
I just keep telling people lately... Well, more asking them... "Do you ever just want to go? Pack up some clothes, and leave everything behind. Just go..."
I promise you all. One day I'll be gone. I'll just disappear. Because I'm sick of this dreamless life. I'm sick of people thinking I'm crazy because I smile when I shouldn't. I'm sick of wanting to be a prince charming, but never having a princess to rescue.
But one day soon... I'll be leaving. I'm done looking for love... But now I need to find where I belong. And...
I'll just be gone. I'm not calling into work. I'm not tellig my family. I'm just going to be out the door and gone.
My one, and only concern... :-) How will I take all my shirts with me?
I just wanted to warn you all. Those few of you who actually read this.
Someday I'll be gone... Someday soon.
I've just realized, (and almost a month away from 22 is probably entirely too late, but) happy endings... True love... Fairy tales???
None of it will ever happen. I'm so tired of it. No one believes in anything anymore!
Everyone's so caught up in getting what they want, and getting their fill of sex that they can't simply find pure joy in giving what they love the most. All I've ever wanted was love. I believed in it. I waited for it. I dreamt of it. I lived for it.
But for what... Why?
No one will ever believe in the simplicity of it. Everything always has to be so complicated. It will never exist if people never truly believe. Sure, a happy ending is what everyone wants, but no one fully believes with all their heart that they'll accomplish it. No wonder I just want to leave.
I just keep telling people lately... Well, more asking them... "Do you ever just want to go? Pack up some clothes, and leave everything behind. Just go..."
I promise you all. One day I'll be gone. I'll just disappear. Because I'm sick of this dreamless life. I'm sick of people thinking I'm crazy because I smile when I shouldn't. I'm sick of wanting to be a prince charming, but never having a princess to rescue.
But one day soon... I'll be leaving. I'm done looking for love... But now I need to find where I belong. And...
I'll just be gone. I'm not calling into work. I'm not tellig my family. I'm just going to be out the door and gone.
My one, and only concern... :-) How will I take all my shirts with me?
I just wanted to warn you all. Those few of you who actually read this.
Someday I'll be gone... Someday soon.
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Slow Down Time or Go Back To The Future
I've been feeling this way about time. I spent the weekend before last in Jacksonville with my second family, and it felt like I was there for about a week and a half. But I was enjoying it and having a grand time. :-) I'm glad it felt like so long.
But then, being back, I don't really have any close friends that I can talk to or hang out with, and time just seems to pass so slowly. It's sad to look back and think that I enjoyed talking to Melanie, and then Jessica, simply because it was someone to talk to. :-(
Well, I guess this slow down in time is due to my thoughts lately. Trapped all alone with them, and not sure who to tell about them, or even how to tell them. :-/
I've been thinking about love... And... I have a desire in my heart to love someone. I've wanted all my life to love someone. Marriage is something I've always hoped for. But, I no longer have any desire for marriage. Or even a relationship. I feel like... It's all just a game, and I've grown tired of it. I don't want to be alone, and I have this love within me that I want to share, but... I don't even know how to explain it... It's like... I don't want to share it. Like I feel like no one deserves it. I feel like girls are all so selfish, and... I've just stopped caring, I guess. I'm just... Done...
And I've been thinking about me, and I realized that the girl that I've always hoped for... The girl of my dreams... Is... The whole idea is completely contradictory... I want to meet a godly woman who's as innocent and (I don't want to say stupid... But...) Unknowledgable??... (is that a word?)
Inexperienced... As inexperienced as I am. But then, I also want to be that knight in shining armor. I want to rescue her.
That's when I realized that... When I watch people... The girls I always like, are... They're always troubled. They have a jerk boyfriend who they can't stop loving, or they're into this or that... They don't want love, they just want sex with no attachments...
I want to be able to show them that they're so much more... I want to show them the beauty that I see.
But where am I going to find an innocent girl who is, at the same time... Deeply troubled...? So anyway... I just... The desire just went away. I still want to love someone, but my dreams... I don't know what dream to chase, so I just lost interest, I guess.
So... I think that's the best I can explain it... I don't want to be with anyone, but I don't want to be alone, either.
Anyway, the silence, and the weight of the thoughts seems to be slowing down time. I think it's depressing to lose interest in something you've dreamed of your whole life. But I think I'm so used to the feeling lately that I don't even feel depressed... I just feel like life is moving very slowly. I don't know... Moving on to more important things.
I rode my bike a couple miles today. About 3.5 to get to a friend's house. I bought a helmet just for the trip today, because I had ridden most of it last week, but didn't go all the way because this one highway is pretty busy, and I was worried riding on it even with the helmet. It was fun, but I still wish we had some bike lanes out here.
My computer is gradually dying, which is why I use my phone to type this. But even my phone isn't without it's glitches. Bah!!! Technology...
It never works the way we think it should... Makes me think of love.
Well, before I go, I wanted to share a poem. I wrote it a couple weeks ago, and when I was in Jacksonville, I read it to a friend who is kind of like a mother to me, and in reading it, I noticed how much I really loved it, even though it just seemed like "useless rambling" at the time I wrote it. I love that about writing--you go back to it and it reads entirely different than when you wrote it. :-)
I read it to her first without the first line, because I originally wrote it without the first line...
I asked him for his help
But he still persistently insisted
"My mind just isn't what it used to be"
Outside these padded walls
I used to be something
My words were artistic
And my thoughts were poetry
But now it's just become a useless rambling
Then, I read it to her with the new first line, and I noticed how much adding that first line did for it. :-) It would be useless rambling without this line.
04/15/08 (20:05)
I locked eyes with a man in the mirror
I asked him for his help
But he still persistently insisted
"My mind just isn't what it used to be"
Outside these padded walls
I used to be something
My words were artistic
And my thoughts were poetry
But now it's just become a useless rambling
Much love to you all! :-)
Matthew Shane E.
But then, being back, I don't really have any close friends that I can talk to or hang out with, and time just seems to pass so slowly. It's sad to look back and think that I enjoyed talking to Melanie, and then Jessica, simply because it was someone to talk to. :-(
Well, I guess this slow down in time is due to my thoughts lately. Trapped all alone with them, and not sure who to tell about them, or even how to tell them. :-/
I've been thinking about love... And... I have a desire in my heart to love someone. I've wanted all my life to love someone. Marriage is something I've always hoped for. But, I no longer have any desire for marriage. Or even a relationship. I feel like... It's all just a game, and I've grown tired of it. I don't want to be alone, and I have this love within me that I want to share, but... I don't even know how to explain it... It's like... I don't want to share it. Like I feel like no one deserves it. I feel like girls are all so selfish, and... I've just stopped caring, I guess. I'm just... Done...
And I've been thinking about me, and I realized that the girl that I've always hoped for... The girl of my dreams... Is... The whole idea is completely contradictory... I want to meet a godly woman who's as innocent and (I don't want to say stupid... But...) Unknowledgable??... (is that a word?)
Inexperienced... As inexperienced as I am. But then, I also want to be that knight in shining armor. I want to rescue her.
That's when I realized that... When I watch people... The girls I always like, are... They're always troubled. They have a jerk boyfriend who they can't stop loving, or they're into this or that... They don't want love, they just want sex with no attachments...
I want to be able to show them that they're so much more... I want to show them the beauty that I see.
But where am I going to find an innocent girl who is, at the same time... Deeply troubled...? So anyway... I just... The desire just went away. I still want to love someone, but my dreams... I don't know what dream to chase, so I just lost interest, I guess.
So... I think that's the best I can explain it... I don't want to be with anyone, but I don't want to be alone, either.
Anyway, the silence, and the weight of the thoughts seems to be slowing down time. I think it's depressing to lose interest in something you've dreamed of your whole life. But I think I'm so used to the feeling lately that I don't even feel depressed... I just feel like life is moving very slowly. I don't know... Moving on to more important things.
I rode my bike a couple miles today. About 3.5 to get to a friend's house. I bought a helmet just for the trip today, because I had ridden most of it last week, but didn't go all the way because this one highway is pretty busy, and I was worried riding on it even with the helmet. It was fun, but I still wish we had some bike lanes out here.
My computer is gradually dying, which is why I use my phone to type this. But even my phone isn't without it's glitches. Bah!!! Technology...
It never works the way we think it should... Makes me think of love.
Well, before I go, I wanted to share a poem. I wrote it a couple weeks ago, and when I was in Jacksonville, I read it to a friend who is kind of like a mother to me, and in reading it, I noticed how much I really loved it, even though it just seemed like "useless rambling" at the time I wrote it. I love that about writing--you go back to it and it reads entirely different than when you wrote it. :-)
I read it to her first without the first line, because I originally wrote it without the first line...
I asked him for his help
But he still persistently insisted
"My mind just isn't what it used to be"
Outside these padded walls
I used to be something
My words were artistic
And my thoughts were poetry
But now it's just become a useless rambling
Then, I read it to her with the new first line, and I noticed how much adding that first line did for it. :-) It would be useless rambling without this line.
04/15/08 (20:05)
I locked eyes with a man in the mirror
I asked him for his help
But he still persistently insisted
"My mind just isn't what it used to be"
Outside these padded walls
I used to be something
My words were artistic
And my thoughts were poetry
But now it's just become a useless rambling
Much love to you all! :-)
Matthew Shane E.
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