Messages

20091022 (18:48)

The crescent moon looked down
Subtle and angry, but not so timid as I
She glared like a mother falcon soaring past
Eyes digging into my back
As a field mouse scurrying by in the tall swaying grass
Her might and drive
Ever so much overshadowing mine
She heard my heart skip
Several beats like a cheetah
Changing course in the essence of its prime

thoughts and ideas

20090711 (14:41)

I walked upon a field in flames
You tried to stomp it out
(In vain, you're feeling so inclined)
20090714 (22:40)
I drowned in the river to save the face
You tried to feed the Beast in the seas
(In vain, you're feeling so inclined)
I've been finding myself here
And I've been finding I am there
While in two places at once
I'm neither here nor in your hearts
20090714 (17:12)
Clear as clear blue skies
Clouded out by satellites
There's no path lit in the tunnel
Only dead black holes in my eyes
Can't you see the light!?
20090715 (13:40)
Textbook answers like a far off language
Far, far off
20090725 (10:25)
A week away
From the bottom of the bay
Where you're surrounded
By only the most beautiful things
(In vain, you're feeling so inclined)


20090802 (10:57)
It's amazing how the desires we have
Come after us with talons and fangs


20090812 (18:06)
Why say it once when you can say it twice?
Or even three times
Maybe more!
Why not just say what you will
When you keep repeating what we've already heard!


20090820 (18:50)
Every morning I wake up
To find myself on the wrong side of forty-eight
I don't know what to do with the state of it


James 1:9-11
20090901 (23:21)
The least of these,
Oh! I pray to be
Boasting in little
Having nothing
But if I were a flower
I'd be the richer of men
And I'd wither away
As the son touched my head
My petals will fall
And my beauty will fade
As I scurry about
Gathering fame
It's neither a wealth
Nor a warmth in my bed
Rather a sand
Passing through my clenched hand
Holding nothing
You'll see in the end
Let us boast in humble stances


20090908 (21:01)
When the world goes to sleep
In the quiet; the calm
I can find peace
In the silence of knowing I'm alone


20090913 (11:09)
I'm in a suit of human flesh
As I'm unbuttoning my chest
And peeling my sleeves from bone
You'll see that I'm not human at all


20091003 (00:31)
Dragging my feet on the ground
Hearing the scraping as I limp up these hills
Finding a way to the top
Locking my knees is the absence of your love
20091003 (14:31)
When the business of revenge
Guides my back into your doors
I'll spend the nights (as) your ghost
Dancing shadows on your floors
Haunting every moment you adore



http://www.youtube.com/v/bMfSu8WBO

OenletHeo

OenletHeo
20090710 (00:04)

A line to start
Because I've got so much to say
But I can't think of any words to use
It's all been said before!
Seven letters in
And I'm still unsure of the words
It's nothing I'm surprised about
Silence is such an awfully simple sound
And I know I have said it all before

Troubled

Well, I was thinking a little while ago that I wasn't going to blog today, after all. I was tired and trying to get to sleep and really didn't have much to say. But then I found there was too much on my mind to sleep and so I prayed and then got up to talk to a friend. And so this blog is for her. She's studying, and so to save her from interruptions, I decide I'd write this, and then I wouldn't be disturbing her but I'd be clearing my mind.

I guess it's times when my mind is troubled that I start thinking about mistakes I've made.

One person always comes to mind and it's nice to know it's not who you'd expect.

She comes to mind for two reasons... And I can't exactly just state those reasons. They go hand in hand. She's that best friend whom I always wish to talk to when I'm troubled and it seems that some mistakes I've made have actually been talking to her.

Not to say that it was bad to talk to her, I just know that I've spoken with her and what I had to say concerning my mistakes threw her for an emotional loop. She's told me that she was glad that I spoke with her, but it just caught her off guard and she didn't know how to handle it.

So I guess after explaining that I can state my two reasons as first, she's the first person I always think to call and I can confide in her when I'm troubled, and second, she is one of those mistakes that I've made, and yet she still does her best to be there for me.

There's a part of me that really wishes I didn't have feelings for her. I know she knows that I have feelings for her, but I hate for her to be burdened with it, if that makes sense. She just seems to smile and say "that's what friends are for."

I say seems because I've never actually seen her response, and I actually haven't seen her period for nearly a year. I just assume that that's her reaction. She's the soft smile type of person.

Another reason I wish I didn't have feelings for her is because whenever I meet a girl... No matter how interested or hopeful I am, there always seems to be a part of me holding out, hoping for a miracle to work out with my friend.
I could never deserve her. But she knows all my mistakes and flaws... And she still loves me (as a friend). I think she thinks of me more as a big brother, anyway.

She's always encouraging me though. Telling me about the girl that God is raising for me in His time. I'm always wishing that it could be her... And I feel like that's wrong of me. I don't deserve her.

I guess I wait. I don't need to be worrying about it now anyway. I have other priorities now. And as the Bible says, we can't serve two masters. So I need to keep my focus forward now so that I can focus on a "her" in the future and take good care of her.

I really need to get to sleep. I have to be up and headed out of the room by 0400.

I've been listening to a couple cds pretty regularly in this time before leaving.
mewithoutYou's Brother, Sister and Catch For Us The Foxes, but less than Brother, Sister.
Jonezetta's Cruel To Be Young
As Cities Burn's new cd Hell or High Water.

And don't forget to pick up and enjoy mewithoutYou's new cd "It's all Crazy! It's all False! It's all a Dream! It's Alright." You have to pick it up for me on May 19 since I'll be in Basic Training (assuming I wake up in the morning). So you have to promise to get it and enjoy it for me. Okay?!

Goodbye for now.

Picture

Picture
20090422 (20:40)

I write a thousand words, a thousand words
Just tryin' to find
Just tryin' to find you
This is me when I am blind
And I'm just tryin' to
Tryin' to find
Slowly seized by fear
The sea and the land are drawing near
This is it for
Is it for us
We are Disasters

Stranded all alone
I just wanna get away
I'm going home
Don't you see that this is it for
Is it for us
We are Disasters!

I never, never ran, ran for cover from the rain
I only, only ever, ever let my spirits soar
If this was, this was never, never going to end
Then it shouldn't shouldn't be crashing

I wrote a thousand words, a thousand words
Just tryin' to, tryin' to reach you
But you were never
You were never there
And this is me without my eyes
Just tryin' to, tryin' to reach...
Slowly gripped by terror with the ocean down
The shore is just around the corner now
Slowly, slowly gripped by terror
The ocean just around the corner
And this is it for, this is it for
Is it for you
We are Disasters!

I never, never ran for cover from the rain
I only ever saw you in the softest, softest light
I remember every, every time I write a thousand words
I could only never, never find

This is it for
Is it for us
This is it for
Is it for

Write a thousand words
Write a thousand words
(Three diverge to four)
Right a thousand words
Right a thousand words
(Two are merging to one)
Ev'rything's just addition
Ev'rything's just addition
And in it all I'm a subtraction

Write a thousand words!
This is it for, is...
I never, never ran, ran for cover!
Now it's time for you to understand
I wrote a thousand words, a thousand words
And everything is, everything is always, always faded here
And so I'm gone
Gone
Gone
This is blame and I am
Gone
Gone
Gone
We are still disasters.




Technically... it's only 342 words, but I wasn't speaking literally about writing 1000 words. I thought about it though. It would've been a nice touch of irony.
I can't exactly explain what it's about.
I can, I guess.
The girl I mentioned who was ignoring me last weekend. Well she ignored me this weekend too. Then I dropped a book and a cd off at her house as a gift because I honestly didn't expect to see her again before I left for the Air Force. Later that night I finally heard from her. She said thank you.
After very little conversation that night and the next morning, the last thing I heard from her was basically saying that She said what it was in the beginning and that since I wasn't going to keep it that way, she distanced herself from me.

So, rather than fighting with her about the fact that it's all my fault and she didn't make any mistakes, lead me on, or allow me to believe that we were actually working together and looking forward to something that we couldn't see or comprehend yet, I just haven't spoken to her since.
I can't say I have no desire to speak with her, because that's a lie...
But I'm not going to speak with her.

I'm in a very bad mood lately.
I care about very little.
Mainly, I care about finding a way to see the Webbs before I leave, and leaving itself. A few other things, or people on my mind are two Amandas-One a "Marie" and the other a "Kay," Josiah, and leaving.
Yes, I just want to leave.
This poem is not about being in the Air Force and wanting to leave and come home. The line saying "I'm going home" is actually referring to how I want out of where I am and I want to find MY home.

Anyway, take it anyway you'd like.

I'll probably write one more blog on my way up to MEPS Monday and that'll be all you get.
Not that there are very many of you reading my crappy drama anyway.
Hopefully I'll get back to writing more poetry and less stupid stories about how some amazing girl finds a way to hurt me.
I was really excited about this one... She seemed... We seemed to go so well together when we weren't quarreling over something stupid. And the way we apologized and forgave each other for the stupid fights was amazing too. It really seemed... She... I was really excited about it.

But now I'm really excited about this poem and leaving.

***!!!!Address Book Crunch Time!!!!***

Okay everyone.

I can't guarantee that I'll be able to keep in touch very well while in Basic, but I still need contact information. The only call I know for a fact that I can make is to call my parents the first Sunday I'm there to tell them my address. Other than that, I know I can send letters... but I don't know how much time I'll have to write them. So please be aware that I may not keep in contact well, and I apologize.
If I'm able, I will find a way to get my address posted somewhere so that you can write me. I'm looking forward to receiving letters while I'm in Basic Training. I have eight weeks of it. So even if I can't write back right away, please know that I do want to hear from you.

But now is the time to get me your address so that I can keep them in my notepad which will become my "address book" for the time being.

You know how to contact me.

I leave on the 27th.
So you have a deadline, and it's coming up FAST!!!

God's Success in My Disasterous Disappoinments

Today started out to find a very depressed me.
I was invited to go to a concert with some friends, but it wasn't the concert I wanted to go to.
I was invited to go see Lecrae and Lincoln Brewster at a free concert. A Christian rapper and a worship artist. I WANTED to go see Hollywood Undead and Framing Hanley. Hollywood Undead is a hardcore rap group who all wear masks and the main focus of all of their songs cover three main topic... Sex, Drugs and... Yeah... Alcohol... and money I guess... Extremely crude, but a lot of their music is quite catchy... and I generally hate rap. Framing Hanley is a punk/rock/emo type band I was really interested in seeing. They named themselves in honor of a friend who had died in a car accident.

I wanted to go to the free concert, but I was far more interested in the other.
I was depressed...
Ha...
I was depressed this morning because of exactly what I said in the last blog. :-)
Pathetic.
The girl mentioned in the last bog was going to the Hollywood/Hanley show. She told me Friday as she was headed to pick up tickets. I asked if I could join her and I haven't heard from her since. Anyway... I was pretty upset. I didn't feel I was imposing on her. I told her to feel free to say no. I wanted to go, but I didn't want to feel like I was following her, so I wanted to ask her if it was okay.
Anyway, as I said... I still haven't heard from her.

Well, this morning... as well as yesterday... I woke up with a Terrible sinus headache. I was depressed because I hadn't heard back from her... let's call her Rose, just to give her a name and keep her (mostly) anonymous. So I hadn't heard from her, I was extremely disappointed... my head hurt... My friend Amanda, who was supposed to call me last night, but didn't, called me this morning. I talked to her and told her very breifly about Rose. She said that I should just talk to Rose... which... although a good idea, was a fatally flawed idea in that... I still have yet to hear from Rose. "Oh well."
I wasn't feeling much better after getting off the phone with Amanda, but I was a bit more encouraged to join some other friends at this free concert. A very TINY bit... not really enought to get me out of bed.
All I wanted to do was curl up in my covers and be depressed.
I called my friend Quig who had invited me and told him how I felt and that I wanted to go, but just didn't think I'd make it... but... I might. If for some reason I changed my mind in the next five minutes, I'd have time to jump out of bed and make it to the meeting place to car pool.
I looked for all the excuses I could to make myself get up and go...
I just wanted out of the house and away from my "lonely" head. Honestly... I wanted to isolate myself and curl up in bed and do nothing. But I knew that that isn't what I truly wanted. I wanted to enjoy the little bit of time I had without focusing on being ignored by some girl.

I popped in Family Force 5's "Dance or Die" cd and got my myself a bit more up-beat. The plans weren't in stone, so I huridly grabbed a bag and tossed in my swimsuit, a towel, shoes, a sweater, a hat... We might go to the beach, we might go to the mall... it was up in the air. I quickly got ready and bolted out the door.
Gotta LOVE Dancin' or Dyin'.

They called me as I was pulling out of the driveway with a final check on my status. I was late and they were about ready to get going. Luckily, I live right around the corner from the church were we were meeting. I rushed over there... waited on several stupid drivers... and finally parked.

We were on the road.

My mind was still disappointed and hurt by Rose, and I really kinda hoped that she'd just lost her phone... or something.
Well, we listened to music and I read a couple pages in Twilight on the way down to Panama City. When we reached the mall, Quig and I went toward FYE and Family Christian Store, while the other two from the car went their own way. They're dating, and not a huge part of the story today, so I won't list their names. I'll just cover details as they're needed.

Not too much of interest in FYE, but there was a great Easter Sale going on at Family Christian Store and I picked up a few things. Mainly, great deals (like $6.99 or $8.99) on just about every cd in my now listening list below as I've listened through just about ever cd while typing this blog. I also picked up a Jeff Allen DVD. Testimony and comedy act. He is amazingly hilarious and has such a wonderful testimony. I believe his wife also shows up on the DVD, and since his testimony includes him destroying his family to the point where she moved out and they were 10 minutes from finalizing their divorce before things turned around on the long hard road of recovery. You'll enjoy him, I promise. Jeff Allen. Check him out.

We ate lunch there at the mall... I've been eating TONS of food lately. I've kind of been forcing myself, but still. From Chick-fil-A, I ate a 3 piece chicken strip meal, a bacon and cheese chicken sandwich, and half the box of fries.

We found our way to the amphatheatre where the concert would be and we met up with the others who left as I was arriving at the meeting place this morning. I sat there reading Twilight for a while, and then five of us went to walk around Pier Park.
It was fun.

Coming back to the concert, I soon realized that there was no Lincoln Brewster. It was completely a rap concert. I wasn't really too into that, but watched anyway. I separated myself from everyone else and moved back behind the crowd. It was plenty loud enough.

Lecrae was GREAT!!! He touched my heart and surprised me in a great way. His cd I bought there, after the concert.

Right as he started, he explained the title for his newest cd, "Rebel." He explained that typically this is a negative word, and I'll try my best to repeat his explaination as to how it became his album title.
Lecrae said a rebel is 'one who refuses allegiance to, resists, or rises against control or tradition. One who participates in organized resistance.' He was reading about the Israelites in the desert with Moses and read how they rebelled against God. But it wasn't that they hated God... that wasn't the rebellion. They didn't hate God, they loved sin. So they rebelled. They turned their backs on and resisted God and chased after what they loved and desired.
So then he explained that he was reading in the Psalms and David says "Goodness and mercy shall pursue me all of my days" (emphasis added). Lecrae said "Wai wai wai wai wai... Wait. Pursue? Now isn't pursue typically a negative word as well, as in something being hunted down?" So he decided that if David could flip around some words, surely he could as well.
So he said would rebel and become a rebel. If rebelling was simply turning your back and resisting while chasing after something you loved and desired...
Then he would chase after God and turn his back on sin. Redefining a repel as 'one who lives a lifestyle unashamed of Jesus Christ, no longer conforming to the patterns of this world.'

He then started with the performance of a song called Rebel Intro and a line caught my ear right there at the start. A VERY powerful line which I did my best to jot down. It was something close to:
"Jesus is the Truth, so one of us is VERY Wrong!"

It was amazing. The whole show he put on. Although he is a talented performer, I still didn't particulary enjoy the rap... but I absolutely LOVED the message he was offering. One song titled "Don't Waste Your Life" described how so many of us live our lives to make a paycheck or to reach a status, just seeking the approval of this world and to be rewarded with worldly things. The chorus was simply, and yet amazing. Simply repeating the title or some variation of it.

Although, what I've heard of the cd so far is quite well produced, his voice live was very rough and raw and probably just what I needed to hear.

Another message he gave between songs was that we are all in a 'hell', whether it be "fat people hell, boredom hell,..." those are the only two specifics I remember. They were the first two he listed. But he said we're all seeking... loking for that 10 minute wait loss magazine cover, or pills to lose weight, or alcohol or drugs or clubs to save us from our boredom. We are all seeking a "Functional Savior." Something that works as a temporary distraction.

I was nearly in tears at several points during his show.

He told a story about his family. He lived with two women; his wife, and his daughter of four months. Then he moved on to his one year-old son. He said his son was pathetic. He couldn't feed himself, change himself, move himself... He was just pathetic. Makes a mess of everything he tries to do on his own. But he was Great, 'positionally'. He had a Father who fed him, changed him, moved him in the right direction... So, opperationally, he was pathetic, but positionally he was set.
And so are we, pathetic. We can't do ANYTHING!!! But luckily... Positionally, we have a Father who knows everything we need and will take care of our every need.

How true, and how amazing.

I knew I wanted to go to that concert. I didn't know what forced me to make myself go... after debating with myself for a couple hours. I knew there was something I didn't want to miss.

There's more left on my heart to say, but I'll end simply with Happy Easter.
I shall return.

Currently listening: My Paper Heart By: Francesca Battistelli Release date: 2008-07-22

Currently listening: Canvas Tears By: The Contact Release date: 2007-09-25

Currently listening: The End Is Not the End By: House Of Heroes Release date: 2009-03-03

Currently listening: Rebel By: Lecrae Release date: 2008-07-08

Currently listening: In the Making... By: Nevertheless Release date: 2008-09-16

Currently listening: Vota By: Vota Release date: 2009-02-10

The Undefined Opposite of InfinitelyMany

There are those times when you just want to be around someone. It doesn't matter if you're watching Stupid Reality TV or watching her wash dishes or prepare dinner. I'm scared to write about her in this way. It makes it real to the world, I suppose. I'm not worried about... I don't know... :-) But, how about this...

You know how sometimes you want to say "this is..." And then you realize what you're trying to say is a word that you're not sure exists. Tonight I was going to say to a small dog, meet... (the big dog). I could say to the big dog "Ranger, meet dinner." But how do you tell the small dog "Pebbles, meet 'the opposite of dinner'" What's the opposite of dinner?
So... I can't tell you what I'm not worried about it. I know what I'm not worried about, but it's the implied, but undefined opposite of my worries. :-)

Ineffable! It was just on tv, and I think it's the perfect word. I could be wrong though. I don't have my dictionary and can't look it up right now.

Anyway, I AM worried about having feelings for her and admitting them. I mean, she knows, and some friends know, but it's just strange making it real to everyone else. I don't want people to get excited for me, and then it doesn't work out. I don't want to hurt any friends who might not like the idea of me liking someone. But I want to be honest, and I want it to be known. But then again, let me clarify right now that it's been made very clear that we are just friends because I'm leaving for the Air Force so soon.

Everything with Melanie ended in disaster and I'm just... I know this won't end up that way, but I just worry about... I just need to stop worrying.

I just thought of the scene from The Village when Ivy Walker (the blind female main character) goes out onto her porch in the middle of the night because Lucious is sitting out there and when she asks why he is on that porch he answers that he worries for her safety above all things (in... So many words). I'm sitting out on a rocking chair on her porch and I wouldn't mind sitting out here all night.
It's not for the same reasons, but I'd be content to sit out here just knowing that I was near. I'd protect her if there was anything to protect her from, but I think the worst thing I'll have to protect her from is myself.
I have a lot of things to deal with and a lot of growing to do. And I'm going away for a Long time.

I hope things work out. I really like her.


"Goodnight." I went home and went to bed, before I could finish, but now I'm finishing this blog.

In other news, Tiger Lily officially uses the doggie door to go outside. I hope she doesn't run away.

My friend Bradley brought a strange circumstance to my attention yesterday. Zero, the quantity, is plural.
You can have one goose, two geese, or zero geese.
One jump, two jumps, or zero jumps.
Two Tylers, one Tyler, or zero Tylers.
Isn't that strange? Just thought I'd share. We're still contemplating why this is, but maybe zero is simply where infinity and negative infinity meet, and as such, zero is plural due to the fact that it's not refering to just one object, but infinite many objects that you simply have none of.

And I feel rather proud of that description.

I am very excited to be on page 152 in Twilight. I am quite enjoying the book. I picked it up because--I'm not sure if I said it in a previous blog, but I think I did. The movie seemed to have good roots, but it seemed to be lacking quite a bit, so it inspired me to pick up the book, and I am enjoying it.

That's all for now.
~16.67 days left.
I'm sorry Jacksonville... I don't think I'm going to make it over there. Also, I'm sorry to Jupiter... I was down there and didn't visit anyone but family.

I'm going to the park, which is finally not under water anymore, and I'm going to ride my bike. Maybe I'll go by my old house and leap in the pool if it's still hot outside and not raining yet.
Meeting up with Quig tonight to hang out.

Love ya! (well... Most of you anyway.) ;-)
Matthew

A Broken Mind Cracked Wide Open

An old poem I found while packing. It was written on sticky notes in 2004

Parchment floating in the wind
Basking in the somber resplendence of the moonlight
Hazy shadows cast down by a star's reflection
Could I hold it as hope in these dark times?
Can I be comforted by there dark rhymes?
The idea of love,
As scribbled on the floating pages
The shadows they cast on this moonlit, sandy night
The loneliness passed down through the ages
As a scar from the angels we were never meant to love
Now I set this free to glide among the others
The words I wrote to tell of love
Failing only when it hurts the most
At the very least,
I have to be high to fall hard
So maybe I should stop climbing
Before I break my heart
How battered and torn the shrivelled shards
Held together only by Your love
And each new time I take the dive
I give less back to You to piece together
Pouring out a nearly empty box at Your feet
I beg you sew and forge and keep
Mend the pieces of me
But when courage will fade in the deep cold dark
I know the bravest I can be is remembering hope
For in these dark times of dark rhymes and giant halls
We sing songs of hope to save us before we fall.


20090327 (23:42)
I want to write you a song
But all I have are these words
There's nothing I can do
Nothing I can say to you
That you haven't heard before
20090328 (02:09)
The empty pages seem so long
Filled with all the thoughts they don't tell
It's like a song in itself
Thinking it'd be best with no sound
And all I wanna hear is your voice
Singing soft
Singing loud
Won't you always make sound?
Even when you aren't around

The pages go slow
Maybe I should rip them out
Tossed away with all the thoughts they don't tell
Drifting slow 'til I hear the sound
All the words I could think
And still they all escape me
Ink runs low and it scribbles out
Singing soft
Singing loud
Singing as if without sound

It's a dance in the dark
No partner
Only steps to which time doesn't count
This is making something new

Defining words we've never heard
How to spell?
When it's all your own
I'll share it with you
Singing silently
Let the heartbeat guide your tune
Thump thump
Carrying you along


20090402 (13:58)
You're out of time
The cover's blown
The secret's out
We've severed our ties
Said goodbye
We pray to God it's man-made
We pray that it's destructable
But this is the end
And we're moving on
Both beginning and ending unknown
It's time for a change or two
And this is goodbye.


I have now moved on to a new green notebook writing in black ink instead of blue.

20090405 (13:06)
Matthew...
...is gathering thoughts
For keeping in or handing out
It's all about the same
When you only ever talk to yourself
So please, please, welcome
I know it's not much
But it's a new pen...
...in a new color...
...on a new page
And I've left a lot less unsaid
This is the beginning
This is the greet
It's all that I have
And I just hope that it isn't the end.


And a song I wanted to add last night, but didn't. It was too late.
Something Corporate, song Space

Home,
Is this the quiet place where you should be alone?
Is this where the tortured and the troubled find there own?
I don't know, but I can tell this isn't you, your cover's blown
Oh no, don't you dare hang up this phone

(chorus)
Hey, give me space so I can breathe
Give me space so I can sleep
Give me space so you can drown in this with me

In this place.
A lonely escapade in outer space,
There's no antidote for irony you say
That you have, when you know that you don't
And you say that you can, when you know that you won't

Chorus

These padded walls and TV screens
Sometimes they make me want to scream

Chorus

Hey, give me space but I can't breathe
Give me space but I can't sleep
Give me just one inch I swear that's all I'll need


Well... I hope this somehow helps.
I'm heading to the park to try to ride my bike even if it's raining, but the last time I was there the park was blocked off because it was flooded. Usually it's called Citizens' Lodge, but when it's flooded like this, I call it Citizens' Lake. The river runs right by the park but when it rains like this they just merge into one mass of water.

The Song In My Head

Something Corporate

"I Woke Up In A Car"
I woke up in New York City
From my sleep behind the wheel
Caught a train to Poughkeepsie
And time stood still
She wrote me a letter from San Diego
To qualify her luck
These flights connect through Arizona
But I think I'll stay stuck
Here I am

(chorus)
I woke up in a car
I traced away the fog
So I could see the Mississippi on her knees
I've never been so lost
I've never been so much at home
Please write my folks and throw away my keys
I woke up in a car

I met a girl who kept tattoos
For homes that she had loved
If I were her I'd paint my body
'Til all my skin was gone
She wrote me a letter
As we passed through Rockford
She said she won't forget
Maybe I do maybe I don't
But I know I haven't yet
But here I am

Chorus

Maybe I could live forever
If not ever I had known
That you'd be waiting there whenever
I am all alone
But here I am

Chorus


"I Want To Save You"
Standing on the edge of morning
Scent of sex and New Found Glory
Playing as she's pulling back her hair
She drives away she's feeling worthless
Used again but nothing's different
She'd stay the night but knows he doesn't care

Home by three to deafening quiet
The porch light's off guess they forgot it
She'd cry herself to sleep but she doesn't dare

And she wants to be a model
She wants to hear she's beautiful
She's beautiful

(chorus)
I want to save you
I want to save you
I need you, save me too
I want to save you

Dressed by dawn and out the door
No lights she memorized the floor
So she could leave without being detected
She works 'til three it's uniform
She dreams that he'll come by the store
She prays for days when boys mean she's protected

And she wants someone to see her
She needs to hear she's beautiful
She's beautiful

Chorus

And she won't sleep
She won't sleep at all

Chorus

Let me save you


Jack's Mannequin

"I'm Ready"
(Spoken Dialogue)
"And today was a day like any other"

I'm on the verge I'm on the verge
Unraveling with every word
With every word you say
Make me believe
That I won't feel your tires on the street
As I'm finding the words
You're getting away

I come undone
Oh yes I do
Just think of all the thoughts
Wasted on you
And every word you say
Say something Sweet
'Cause all I taste is blood
Between my teeth
As I'm finding the words
You're getting away

(chorus)
I'm ready
I'm ready to drop
I'm ready
I'm ready so don't stop
Keep pushing
Don't stop me I'm ready
I'm ready to fall
Don't stop I've already let go
I'm ready
I'm ready so don't call

I'm aware I've been misled
I disconnect my heart my head
Don't want to recognize when things go bad
The things that you'll accept
Except that I am
Finding the words
To say

I'm ready
I'm ready to drop
I'm ready
I'm ready so don't stop

(Spoken Dialogue)
I wake up to find it's another 4 aspirin morning and I dive in
I put on the same clothes I word yesterday
When did society decided that we
Have to change and wash a t-shirt after every individual use
If it's not dirty I'm going to wear it
I take the stairs to the car and there's fog on the windows
I need caffeine in my bloodstream
I take caffeine in my bloodstream
I grip the wheel and all at once I realize
My life has become a boring pop song and everyone's singing along

I'm ready
I'm ready to drop
I'm ready
I'm ready so don't stop
Keep pushing
Don't stop me I'm ready
I'm ready to fall
Don't stop I've already let go
I'm ready
I'm ready so don't call
Already let go


If you ever get a chance, Something Corporate is a piano driven pop-punk group whom I believe broke up a few years ago when Jack's Mannequin took over in the form of piano pop. Something Corporate's two cds are Leaving Through The Window and North and Jack's Mannequin's two cds are Everything In Transit and The Glass Passenger. They are all wonderfully beautiful cds. There are a couple songs that get a bit crude, but they really are very beautiful cds. Andrew McMahon is an extremely gifted artist and I hope he continues to make music.

Anti-Meridian

Society tends to view singles who choose to remain single as generally troubled people. People think they're not all there or they're disturbed. No one ever seems to consider that maybe it's just who they are.

And on a side note... I've discovered why I don't ever blog anymore. Aside from having very little to say these days, there is simply no comfortable position. Whether I'm typing on a computer or on my phone, there are just no positions that I enjoy sitting in for long enough to type out a blog that all of six people are going to read.
That said, we can get back to singles.

Friends tell me that maybe God's plan isn't for me to be single. Well what if I just work better alone. I'd love to have someone, but sometimes I think I just work best on my own.

I don't know that it's entirely healthy all the time. I know that when I end up alone I tend to isolate and cut myself off from the world. I know I dive into myself. The past few days I've been isolated and in turn I've isolated myself. Maybe it's a defense. I went and hung out with a friend last night and I was just kidding around with some things I did or said, but it seems I was just being a jerk.
When I got to her house, I thought it looked like she was asleep on the couch, so I asked her roommate who was on the porch to shut the door so that I could use the knocker. After using the knocker there's a bang on the door, which I found out later was a pepsi bottle being thrown at the door. I went in, sat down, hung out for about an hour watching some stupid show on MTV, and I kept making a joking comment asking if I could leave yet.
When the show was over I said I was leaving and went outside. My friend followed me and went and sat down on the bench with her roommate and took the phone and started talking. I again said I was leaving and walked down the steps. She told me to sit, to get back on the porch and sit. I asked why, for what, por que? I walked out, got in my car, started it, and left. I didn't see any reason for me to stay. I felt like my being there didn't mean anything. She'd been laying on the couch watching tv and playing with her phone the whole time I was there. She had told me she had to go to bed by 10 and I left at 10:10.

Driving down the road I sent her a text asking her to tell her roommate goodnight. So she calls me and says she's not doing it, but it's on speaker phone. So I tell her roommate goodnight and after basically talking about nothing for a minute I tell her that all I needed to do was tell her roommate goodnight. So she says okay and I say okay, and I hang up. The whole point to it was supposed to be a joke that I would tell her roommate goodnight, but not her.

She was obviously offended by my hanging up on her. I apologized for being a jerk and said I wasn't meaning to be. I don't know if she was having a bad night or if I was just being a jerk, but I do know that I was greeted by a bottle thrown at the door, I sat there and watched stupid reality tv with her for an hour, and I left ten minutes after she wanted to be in bed to her telling me to come back and sit down on her porch. It didn't seem like a very friendly visit, and I felt like she was being a bit of a jerk. So sorry if I'm a jerk.

Anyway... There's an example of how I'm a jerk. How I re-enter society after being left alone and isolating myself.

My past two... Three... Four... Five roommate situations haven't turned out very well. First there was living with my cousins, I always just isolated myself in my room. I would just slip in and out of the house, to and from my room. Next was the Webbs. I love them all, but after living on their couch for two months, for some reason I was very distant from Austin. The same Austin who who would be my best man if I ever married. Not that I ever told him that... It came up one day and he said it. It wasn't him being cocky or proud. He just knew that if ever I married, he'd be my best man, and it's true.
After living with the Webbs, I lived with Sandy. I really didn't enjoy living there, same situation, always isolated myself in my room, with as little interaction with my roommates as possible. The next two roommates I had have very similar stories. I was a jerk when I did see them, and I would just go straight to my room and shut the door, coming out only when I knew they were asleep. With Chris I would sometimes even go out and get food and completely ignore him.
I consider Chris to be one of my best friends, and now, having moved out, I miss him.

I just don't think I deal well with people being close. I keep people at a distance and when they get too close, I isolate myself. So I don't know if I'm meant to be single or not, but I know I single myself out. I do better when I'm alone. I enjoy my friends and I enjoy life.
But when there's someone actively involved in my life, I isolate myself. If that person's a girl, I tend to cut off a lot of my friends and focus only on her, while if it's a roommate, I isolate myself completely.

So maybe I'm just made to be single. I don't know what to do in relationships with people. I can sometimes be a decent friend, but most of the time I feel like I'm just selfish. A leech. Now with a relationship with a girl, I would have no idea what to do. I'm used to always having a crush and always being turned down... So what to I do when a girl actually likes me in return... I don't know what to do, so I probably just end up messing stuff up and being a jerk. It's not intentional, it's just who I am.

I'm okay with myself, and I sometimes think I'll be better off alone. Friends are good for me.

Well, I've been wanting to post a blog asking which t-shirts I should take with me to basic. We are supposed to bring three civilian outfits, so I was going to have a poll for which shirts I should take. Anyone know how to set up a poll? There's no way I could just post it here on the blog, because then only like six people would see it.
So anyway, let me know about the shirts if you want.

Thanks for putting up with my selfish, jerky ways.

Currently Listening: Anti-Meridian
Artist: Brave Saint Saturn

King of Beasts / Exodus Into The Unknown

Two recent poems. One by request, for Amanda Kay, and the other just written- a prayer.

First, the requested.
Inspired by The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian the movie.
20090125 (15:09)

So sad, our King of Beasts
We so proud
So sad, our King of Beasts
Waiting, for to answer a humble request
And we've nurtured our vanity
Every craving desire vindicated
The hopes of the King have fallen
And we stand proud
Squabbleing over the scraps
Gathering to ourselves all the nothing we can
Our feeble hopes wishing for stable ground on which to stand
So sad, our King of Beasts
And we so proud
So sad, our Lord of Grace

And we all still believe
We're all standing on our own two feet
We all conceive
And we're all standing on our own two feet
So sad, our King of Beasts
Mourning our great downfall
Proud and blind and deaf
We will all be carried to our graves
Under the weight of standing on our own


And the poem I just wrote. I was reading John Bevere's Drawing Near and it offered an example from Exodus 20:18-21. So I pulled out my Bible and read, and here is what I wrote.
20090228 (08:33)

We stand, witness to the storm
Lightning flash to show a glimpse
The thunder crashed
Deafening as the winds tore down the streets
The great mountain engulfed in smoke

"Be not afraid!
The storm is mighty that we might fear
And stray not from the guided path."

Cower, we the fools
Cower in terror
Having no faith
Terror without fear
At a distance we witness the storm

Draw me near to the darkness that contains you
Draw me near
That I may fear
And be not afraid
Draw me near with a mirror
For your beauty is beyond compare.


And now I have to go get ready to leave for Tallahassee. An hour drive... Two hours time... And ZERO return travel.
We have to be prepared.

The Bigger Picture... Specifically.

I wrote all of this on February 18.

I must apologize.
I am lost somewhere within my head and my thoughts.
I feel like I used to look at a broad and wide open picture of things, but lately I've dug myself in with a microscope and I can't see the forest for the trees.
My mind is so cluttered and there is so much just whizzing past me and by now I can't even grab hold of any of it.
I can't put my thoughts into words.
I can't put my emotions into colors.
I can't put my energy into action.
I feel like there is just so much to be said and done, and it all seems so simple and yet so impossible.

Trying to think that all the strength of a dam may be balanced on a simple stone or twig.
All the functions of a modern car can cease if a tiny microchip malfunctions.
All the operations performed by my body start at a cellular level.

I feel as if I had been reading a book- my life story- and someone came along and shoved my face down against the pages.
I can't see what's going on. I can't understand my own thoughts.

I'm lost.
It seems that the only time I can focus is when I sit down and talk to someone. Then I can piece things together.
But I hardly ever have a chance to sit and talk with anyone.
I think maybe that's what it is.
Maybe my mind has just become so cluttered because I never get anything out of it, maybe it's like a crowded room filled with smoke.

Copeland - I'm Safer On An Airplane 

I think I'm safer in an airplane.
I think I'm safer with my lungs full of smoke.
I thing I'm safer on the jetway
Than a world without hope.

I think I'm safer in an airplane.
I think I'm safer if I run through the streets.
I thing I'm safer on the jetway
Than a world without peace.

I think I'm safer in an airplane.
I think I'm safer in the sky up above.
I thing I'm safer on the jetway
Than a world without love.

I just want God in my life.
I can't wait for the simplicity of having nothing.
I've been packing up my room, and I really like it. The more things disappear, the better I feel. It's freedom.
I feel better when I'm cleaning and packing. But I also feel as if I don't want to do anything else.

Eat Sleep Repeat    By: Copeland Release date: 2007-06-05

The Simple Thought of a Single Valentine

Matthew Shane WAS considering deleting his blog, but then he had a better idea.

I think I'm going to vent and complain about all these people griping and moaning about what they're calling "Single's Awareness Day."
First off, I'm not very fond of supporting mainstream holidays, but worse than someone using a holiday to make themselves a load of money off of the world's predictable "follow the trend" behavior, is someone who is going to take a holiday designed for giving and sharing, and turn it into a selfish pity party.

Now, I'm not generally fond of Valentine's Day for several reasons, but one day it may serve as a perfectly good excuse for me to go overboard in an attempt to show someone how much I love her. Now, sure, it's become entirely too mainstream. I'd bet that the original idea was to think up something romantic and surprise the one you love. The American way of thinking behind this holiday is making me sick in several ways. First, if one is participating in Valentine's Day, a male feels obligated to buy something and do something extra romantic and special, while alternately the female expects extra special treatment and gifts and is actually disappointed when they don't get the special treatment. Next, I'm disgusted by those people who are choosing to make this day all about themselves. This so-called Single's Awareness Day needs to come to and end right now! You want some light shed on why you are single and overly aware of it? You're selfish!!!

Can't we come up with anything better?

I, for one, plan on doing all I can to make people smile. I will hand out paper flowers made from straw wrappers to random people. I don't want to be absorbed by the fact that I'm single, and not particularly enjoying it. I want to absorb myself in an effort to brighten someone else's day. I will be glad that I'm saving money by not having to take a special someone out to dinner, or buy them an overpriced gift. I will be thankful that I'm not stressed out by the drama of not being able to please a girl.

All you selfish singles trying to guilt people into giving you attention should just lock yourselves up in a box. If you're not going to do something productive for society, please at least just leave it be. You don't need to further degrade our society.

Last night a woman brought the movie Superbad into Movie Gallery and said that someone had recommended it as a great movie that her kids would enjoy. I was shocked! The movie, although quite funny, is so vulgar and crude that you find it hard to laugh at all. The woman wanted to exchange it for something else, but we didn't know if we could. We only knew that we could exchange it for the same movie if it were damaged. Those are the rules. Well she just left it there. She didn't want it and said if she couldn't exchange it that we could just sell it again because she simply didn't want it. I didn't blame her. What made the whole thing worse... The woman who had come in right behind her waited until she left to say that it wasn't a bad movie and she let her kids watch it. I was appalled! I wanted to slap her.
And I want to slap all of you selfish singles. You know... With attitudes like that, you deserve to be single and you deserve to be miserable! Things could be so much worse for you.
We Americans are so selfish. It's despicable!


Oh, and by the way... I quit at Waffle House, and I'm back at Movie Gallery part time for the next month and a half. I'll be taking the month of April off because I'm planning on traveling around trying to visit people before I disappear for 17 or 18 months... A long time.
My plans are to visit people in south Florida for about a week, and friends in Jacksonville, and then come back home. I'd really like it if someone could come with me, but in these tight times, I know taking a couple weeks off is tough.
If anyone thinks they'll be able to join me, please let me know. I'd really like to have a travelling buddy.

Well, I've signed my contract, and I ship out for basic training on April 27. I'll be in basic for 8 weeks, and then tech training for... Who knows how long. I'll be in CA for, probably around a year, and then back to Texas for another 12 weeks. I probably won't be finished training until October of next year, and my recruiter isn't sure if I'll even be able to take a weekend off to come back for my sister's wedding... So...
That's that.

MEPS

I can’t describe love to you.
I just know it deep down. There’s a certain balance between an animal’s instincts and what little part of us is left to be human. True love finds that balance. Some people move too far to the animal side and yet still try to call it love, while some won’t open themselves up to instinct but continue to claim they know love.

This world has forgotten love. Either boys won’t embrace the animal within them and become a man… the lion they were created to become… or they are overcome and lost within the bloodlust of the roar. They won’t go near the power or they find themselves overtaken by it.

Very few find the balance.

Very few can control... and I’m not so sure that those who can will ever be properly appreciated.

MEPS

Military Entrance Processing Station

This has nothing to do with love or control, so please, don’t connect them. That’s simply what I was thinking about when I started writing.

What follows is going to be too much information about what I did last Thursday, 20090115. That’s a WARNING. Watch out for more information than you wanted.

The Wednesday night before, I shared a hotel room in Montgomery, AL with a stranger who felt like a brother. I had never met him before that day, but there’s just something about the experience. There’s just something that bonds you, and yet by the end of the day you may never see them again.

The alarm clock was a bit crazy, and it tried to go off at 0236 and then again around 0330–Couldn’t sleep too well after that. We got up at 0400, dressed and zipped up our bags, and headed down to breakfast with our stuff, not to go back to the room.

By 0500 we’re all on a bus headed to an Air Force base. Not everyone there was joining the USAF, the MEPS was just happened to be on a USAF base.

We all unloaded the bus and entered the MEPS. Our bags went through an x-ray machine just as they would in an airport. They were then placed in a baggage room. We had a quick briefing on the rules and then attendance was called. We were then filed out based on what branch of the military we were joining. I believe Air Force was last.

We went up to the second story and into the USAF counselor office where we received two folders of papers and nametags with our name, social, branch, and barcode. This was our temporary pass which allowed us on the base. We then went up to the third floor where we were separated—male and female—to go to different stations. Some were getting there blood pressure taken, while I went first to the hearing test. Nine of us went into a booth and sat on stools separated by curtains. We each had a pair of headphones and a button. Simple enough, we listened and when we heard a tone we pressed the button. I’m not so sure it was extremely accurate though. Later in the day Dakota told me that she had just continuously pushed the button.

After this we went and sat in chairs, moving down the rows as the line moved down the hall. The eye exam was next. I was really worried about this one. I didn’t want to be disqualified because of my bad eye sight. I seem to have passed though. Again, I don’t think the test was very good, just something to run everybody though. Later on, while moving back and forth through the halls and talking with people I found that a lot of us failed the depth perception part. It was just a bad test of depth perception.

Next I was going to go to blood pressure, but they lined all the males up to go into a room. There was another quick briefing with more rules, and emergency policies. We then sat down and were guided though filling out several medical history forms that were in one of our folders. They told us that we write the date as YYYYMMDD for military purposes, and we sign our full name; First, Middle, and Last. We took a breathalyzer test and then went back out to the hall. Don’t think this was a quick process. We were probably in that room for nearly an hour. The sun was coming up while we were in this room.

We went back into the central area where I was directed to the line for my blood pressure. After that I was directed down to the far end of the opposite hall to see a Doctor. I walked into a room of guys in their underwear and then proceeded into a small office where a young Doctor asked about my drug history... which was rather void. [Just a side note, It’s amazing how many guys were talking about pot and all manner of other drugs.] Anyway, back in the other room I stripped down to my boxers and a rather heavy, short man in a white coat led us all through some simple stretches and exercises. We started with swinging our arms around, and moved through walking on our toes, heels, and knees, duck walks, crab walks, demonstrated movement of our wrists and hands, and then simply walked around the room. We lined up to be weighed and measured while other guys started filing into the room and stripping down. I was 6’0”, 136 lbs. We sat on a bench along the whole front of the room while the new entries went through the exercises right in front of us. One by one we went into the two offices at the back of the room to see the doctors.

Again I’ll warn you that this comes as TOO MUCH INFORMATION. Be prepared.

Two groups had come in and gone through the exercises and measurements by the time I went in to see a doctor. I ended up with the doctor that I hadn’t met before stripping down to my boxers. He was old and his hands were bent and deformed, but he was nice. He checked my ears and mouth and heart and such, and then came the fun part. “Drop your drawers.” Well, I kicked off the drawers and standing there in full nude I did the hernia cough thingy, he made sure I had both testicles, and then I had to bend over and spread my cheeks. It had to be done, so I didn’t really find it that awkward except for that moment when... ah-hem... Well anyway, I told you it would be too much information. I’ll leave out the WAY TMI moment and just end it there. He explained all the information to me about the tests I’d been through: sight, hearing, etc. I did well.

I went back out and got dressed again as more guys went through the stripping down and exercising. It’s amazing how bad some of them were with following directions or some would just toss there stuff on the floor and the heavy Dr. would have to tell the “Put your stuff in a locker, this is the military, not your house.” I went back out into the hall and was sent to the line for the urinalysis. I was just glad I was getting to that point where I really had to go. They took us in three at a time, and it was a rather slow line. Anyway, we got these little cups and stood on a line about three feet out from a urinal where a guy watched us pee and then when the cup was past half way we could move forward and place the cup on a shelf and finish in the urinal. I heard some funny stories about this... but I’ll leave those to your imagination.

We gave a lady our cups and signed some stuff then washed our hands and then I went out to have some blood taken. After that, I was done. I turned in my folders and waited for them to input my information into their computers. They handed me back one of my folders and sent me back to the second floor. I went to the USAF office and turned the folder in. They sent me down to the first floor to get my fingerprints taken, which took a little bit, but after I went back to the second floor to wait for them to call me. Eventually they called me in and I sat down with a (some-sort-of) Sgt. Valentine. Maybe he was a Master Sgt, but I’m not sure. Anyway, we sat down and started talking about jobs. I told him that I was extremely flexible and open to just about anything. I really just wanted to get a job that I could book and start training for as soon as possible. So he started mentioning some things to me and then a man from the other room came in and asked if he wanted me to take a DLAB test.

I really didn’t follow this whole conversation, but he said I was EWQ (Exceptionally Well Qualified) and so I could test for this job just to see. I think it was basically like something opened up that shouldn’t have been open, and it was a really rare and good job. Someone had dropped out or something and that’s why it opened up. I really don’t know what happened, but they briefly told me about the linguist job and asked if that seemed interesting to me. I could take this DLAB test and it wouldn’t hurt me, it was just to see if I qualified for the job since I was already EWQ. I thought, “sure, why not.”

So, there was a girl that I had met the night before after dinner at the hotel. A group of us had sat playing Phase10 and that’s where I met her. Well, Brittney was taking the DLAB as well, and so they sent us to lunch early so that we wouldn’t miss lunch while we were taking the test. Lunch was awesome, and I can’t wait to live on a base. I am definitely looking forward to getting back onto a base. Well, turns out there was another guy taking the test too. We all went back from lunch and went in to take the test. There was a page we read at the beginning of the test that said it was confidential and we weren’t to discuss it with anyone, so I won’t tell you much about it except for how they described it to me. They said that it was a sort of made up language and it would test our ability to hear and identify patterns and stress tones on certain syllables and such. It was a test to see how well we could connect things that didn’t exactly make plain sense to us. Something like, “okay, you won’t understand what’s being said, but can you identify this pattern, or can you identify what connects these items and how they lead to this new one?” It’s kind of difficult to explain in writing without telling you too much, but you can look it up. There’s information on it online, I just don’t want to type anything because it said that I couldn’t.

Brittney finished the test first, and about ten to fifteen minutes later the other guy finished. I finished about five or so minutes after him. My mind was mush by the end. I was so lost in connecting things that didn’t make much sense that I just didn’t want to think anymore. Brittney had already received her score and headed back to the USAF office by the time I got out. I waited with the other guy and we discussed some of the things that were on there and how neither of us understood the directions to the final section at first. He got his papers back and I waited about ten more minutes for mine before I head back to the office.

When I had handed the guy my folder he looked at my score and asked me if I was some kind of genius or something. I thought he was kidding because I didn’t think I had passed. My brain was so tired I figured I was just putting down answers at times. I really didn’t think I had passed. I was the only one to pass. Brittney had a 75, the other guy was close to passing (which was 100), and I had a 135 out of like 176. Sgt. Valentine seemed impressed by the score too, so I guess I did really well. I had to wait a little bit because he was seeing someone right then, but it didn’t take long. He signed me up for the Linguist job. Technically, the full job title is a Cryptologic Linguist Apprentice. It seemed like it was pretty sure I’d get the job, but I wasn’t signing a contract for it yet. I guess because they had to wait for all the blood and urine tests and whatnot.

I went downstairs, then upstairs, then back down several times, delivering papers, having them explained to me, signing them, and then delivering them again, signing some more, having Sgt. Valentine sign... etc. Finally I ended up downstairs with about eleven others and we went into a red room with a flag and a podium. A man explained how to stand at attention; feet at a forty-five degree angle, don’t lock the legs, hands in a loose fist with thumbs pointing down the seam of our pants. We all then held up our right hands [one guy actually had to be instructed to hold up his ‘other’ right hand, sadly enough] and we repeated after the man up front. He had to clarify before starting that we didn’t repeat “state your name,” but instead were to actually state our names, that ‘swear’ and ‘affirm’ meant the same thing, and the “So help me God.” was optional.

“I, (state your name), do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; and that I will obey the orders of the President of the United States and the orders of the officers appointed over me, according to the regulations and the Uniform Code of Military Justice. So help me God.”

After that we basically just had to wait for everyone on our bus to finish everything. It took quite a while, actually. We were waiting over an hour for two people. The fifteen passenger van we rode in had fifteen people in it, plus a bag for each one of us, and several purses. It was PACKED!!!

The four of us crammed in the backseat were all going numb. I don’t think those busses were designed to sit grown men (And might I add that it’s very strange to refer to myself as a ‘grown man.’ I’m not really that old, am I?). After a little over an hour of driving the guy in the front seat got off and I moved up to the first row where another guy had moved from to sit up front. Another hour or so down the road half of the rest of everyone got off. I don’t know how long it was to get all the way back, but it was near 2300 when I stopped by Starbucks to make sure I’d stay awake on the hour (+) drive home, since my recruiter’s office is down in Panama City, FL.

Dakota had spoken with T.Sgt. Fisher (our recruiter) while we were waiting to leave MEPS, and we were supposed to meet her Wednesday, 20090121 at 1500.

So those were the adventures of MEPS. I’m probably the only person in history who actually enjoyed the experience. But I'm just really stoked about going!!!

I found out yesterday, 20090121, that I got the job, and I ship out to Basic Military Training (BMT) on 20090427. That’s April 27, I will be leaving for Basic. After that I’ll have six to twelve months (I’m guessing toward the ‘twelve’ end) of training for the Linguist job in Monterey CA, followed by twelve weeks and three days at Goodfellow AFB, TX.

Currently listening: The Becoming, Vol. 1 By: The Becoming Release date: 2008-09-30

Life Blog 20090114

In a fifteen passenger van, second row back sat a boy on his way to MEPS. He was joining the US Air Force and this was his first trip. Not sure what to expect aside from a medical check like a sports physical and meeting with someone for what he thinks might be something like an interview for a job, only he'll be choosing at least four possible jobs from a list of jobs recommended specifically for him based on his score on the ASVAB.

The two rows behind him held two males and one female who would be shipping out to basic training for the Army after this MEPS. A boy just out of high school sat to his left. Two girls sat in the row before him and the driver and another man in the two front seats.

Dakota was her name. The girl seated directly in front of him. Dakota Rose. When the boy from the second row had met her in the USAF Recruiter's office at 0900 that morning he had remembered the name Rose. He told her that if he had ever had a daughter he would have named her Victoria Rose.
Dakota was Beautiful. Sandy blonde hair, reached down just past her shoulders. He had thought hopefully of a start of a friendship and possibly more, but then he noticed her ring. Twenty years old and she had been married for a month. She was still having trouble signing her new name properly. "Well," he thought, "perhaps it could still be a nice friendship." Although he considered that he would be slightly surprised if he saw her again after this trip. She had played softball. He seemed to have this natural tendency to fall for softball players.
What a strange way of thinking. The ride had been quite warm to start, and he should have used the restroom before he got on the bus. About 45 minutes into the trip it was hot enough that they had asked the driver to turn off the heat. Now, nearly two hours into the trip, the boy in the second row was quite cold despite his four shirts: under shirt, thermal, t-shirt, and a dress shirt to top it off. The cold was quickly magnifying his need to use the restroom, and he was wondering when they might stop. There were still several hours left to the trip, and he was also wondering about food. "Was everything to be supplied to them for this trip?"
He couldn't keep his thoughts from Dakota. "Did he have any hope of meeting a decent woman some day or was he to remain single as he had surrendered himself to?" He wanted to talk to Dakota some more, but she was wearing her headphones, listening to music, as was he; watching the scenery and world pass by the windows.

I stayed at Runny Babbit's Fancy Motel.

Greetings all... The few who remain. I would like to share with you. I just finished reading a book by Shel Silverstein called Runny Babbit.
Shel Silverstein is a Wonderful poet who died in 1999. He wrote such books as The Giving Tree, Falling Up, A Light in the Attic, and Where the Sidewalk Ends. He also wrote songs you might recognize such as the song Boy Named Sue performed by Johnny Cash.

Well, Runny Babbit is a book that is both poetic and dyslexic. For an introduction and example, I will give you the book's greeting.
Written by Shel Silverstein, of course.

Way down in the green woods
Where the animals all play,
They do things and they say things
In a different sort of way--
Instead of saying "purple hat,"
They all say "hurple pat."
Instead of sayin' "feed the cat,"
They just say "ceed the fat."
So if you say, "Let's bead a rook
That's billy as can se,"
You're talkin' Runny Babbit talk,
Just like mim and he.

So there you have it. Runny Babbit would be an earthly Bunny Rabbit, but in Shel's world, things are much more and colorful.

All that explained...
I Stayed at a Fancy Motel.
Which I actually wrote as "I Stayed at a Mancy Fotel." I didn't have to write it this way, it just made the poetry much more entertaining and that much more challenging to write (and by the way, this is quite ridiculous to type this all on my phone, but I love you fancy few).
So please Enjoy. :-)

01/07/09 (09:20)
I stayed at a mancy fotel
And found to my deat grisappointment
All the theets and sowels dayed stirty
And I saw no millow under my pint.
I dialed the dont fresk
To mall the canager.
He sped my way, host-paste
To mee what was the satter.

Said I to he, "Come in, come in, dear, sir.
Chit down in that sair, right there.
I've been here on dee thrays now, sir
And there's still no sater in the whower."

"There are no fillows to be pound,
Under hint or over mead.
And all the heats have sholes in them
For there are rants and oaches in my bed.
The boilet is tacked up, sine, fir.
I ask not, 'What is that stench?'
Merely doint me to the poor, please, sir,
And, perhaps the nearest bark pench."

So... Who's up for translating? :-)
It may help, and is certainly more fun to read out loud. Remember, when you are pronouncing Runny Babbit words to think of the sounds that the propper words would make.
Such that the line "Under hint or over mead," should sound like "Under hint or over med," because it would normally be "Under mint or over head."

Have fun!!!

Matthew Shane

Resoved [in a Minor Key]

Here's a poem I've been writing recently. Rather than writing new separate journal entries every time an idea comes to me, I've been placing them all together. It's not finished yet. At least I don't think it is.
The dates and times separate the different sections that I wrote at (big shocker) different times.
This has been inspired by quite a few things. There has been a lot of foggy weather recently, and then on top of that, I was feeling somewhat like a vampire over Christmas... with the fact that I hardly ever saw the sun because I worked nights and slept during the day, and then the days were foggy, so... not much sun was seen.

12/19/08 (09:20)
The sun's been breaking down
This house of fog that contains me
(19:54)
The mist inside that clouds you out
This isn't even the tip (of the iceberg)
12/20/08 (20:38)
When did this life become so uninspired?!
Stifling
And the lights on these windows make me feel as if
I'm sinking
Locked in an aquarium
Suffocating
12/25/08 (05:18)
You are the light and darkness in my veins
You are all I need
(And all I can't contain)
You are the bright to burn me
Bite back my fangs to speak so softly.

An artist's work
Spread out over time
And who's to question why-e-i-e-i?
12/26/08 (18:03)
I spend my days in a defeated slumber
And take my nights
Under the quiet lights
Where all the people don't speak so clearly
After they've been spending their time [at the] "speak easy"
This isn't even the tip (of the iceberg)
When did life become so uninspired?
Locked in an aquarium
Suffocating

You are the light and darkness in my veins
You are all I need
(And all I can't contain)
You are the bright to burn me
And all the beauty that they try so hard to feign
Bite back my fangs to speak up softly
If there be a need
To speak at all
12/28/08 (11:09)
I'm seeking a silent corner
Isolated and alone
Trying to find where I belong
(Can I find Redemption?)
01/01/09 (16:55)
It's quiet in the dark
The lights make too much noise

Resolving (in keeping to the Minor keys)

I want to blog. So I blog.

End of story.

Do you ever find yourself in a situation where you don't want to resolve?
Of course the rules say, "the 'E-A-B' resolves to the 'E-G#-B.'" Sure, it makes sense when you hear it, but who says? Maybe in some alternate universe the 'E-G#-B' actually resolves to the 'E-A-B.'

Why do we have to resolve?
Who says it needs to be beautiful in accordance with someone's standards of beauty?
Why can't things just be the way we want them to be?


As far as resolving goes... Here goes:

I am done. Do you know how pathetic love is? How pathetic close friendships are? Perhaps I'm far too selfish in asking for personal time with my friends, but if that's the case, here's the cure:

NO close and personal FRIENDS!!!

It does no good to have friends. Either I have to listen to everyone else tell stories of their lives, or they have to avoid listening to me telling stories of mine.
Here in lies the beauty of this blog.
I can say whatever the ... I want and you don't have to listen. You don't have to read, and you don't have to give me feedback.

Some people actually do read what I have to say. Can you believe it??? You're one of those few.

Ever felt like you weren't unique? Ever felt like you were just average and didn't stand out in a crowd. Well, for what it's worth, I guarantee you that if you find yourself in a crowd of people, 99.9% of the time, you'll the only one in the crowd who reads this blog.
Are you better for it??? Am I?

Eh...?!

So I can't hang out or spend time with the people I want to.

Resolution #1: Leave EVERYONE and EVERYTHING behind.
Do you ever wish you had someone or something to miss?
I've already been pulled and separated from anyone whom loved as a friend or otherwise. There is no one left to lose that isn't already at such a great distance that it doesn't matter.
It's like saying that Pi (π) is 3.14159265358979323846…If I simply say it's 3.14... will it really make that big a difference?

Sure, I have friends, and plenty of people I'd love to hang out with... But for whatever reason, be it distance, school/work/scheduled obligations, time, WHATEVER... I RARELY ever get to spend quality time with any of them. When I do, I don't want to burden them with the whole "Oh, my life sucks, I miss them so much, I'm so lonely" speech. Why bother!!!???

Resolution #2: NO MORE ROMANCE (or hoping for in the so common instances of the "lack-there-of")
This goes hand-in-hand with the friendship thing. No one seems interested in quality time or getting to know me, so screw it!!! I'm done. You don't want to know me, Fine! I'm not going to do back flips trying to impress you.
That phrase, "Nice guys finish last." Well in today's society it's simply "nice guys are queer" (by any standard definition or slang of the word). I don't meant to say it in a derogatory tone, but do you know how often I get that???

"So Matt, I hear you're gay."
"Matt, have you ever considered that maybe you're gay?"

Oddly enough, if I was gay, I probably wouldn't have any problem getting myself into a steady relationship. But I'm not gay, so... Screwed I am.

And speaking of being screwed...

"If you can't beat 'em, join 'em." Right???
Well, being a single, non-parent, hard working, employed, >3.5 GPA College Student seems to be an open invitation... no, A Bull's-eye, if you will... for the government, right on my rear end.
"NO LUBE" as a friend from Ruby Tuesday used to say. :-)
I know that's not a very pretty image... but just think... I'm having to live it. You're just thinking about it.

So anyway, now maybe the government can do something for me, and at the same time, I can do something productive for the world.
You know why I'm excited about the Air Force?

Because it gets me out of here. It takes me away.
Ever been spoiled??? Ever wonder what it's like to be without???
I've gone from spoiled to being without... and you know what??? I was STILL SPOILED!!! I AM still spoiled.

I HATE IT!!!

Well, this blog has turned out to be completely useless.

I can't even express myself anymore. I wanted to express how all my friends are gone. If they want me, I don't want them, and if I want them, they don't want me. For the most part, that's how it works these days (with a few exceptions.)
I wanted to discuss how I'm sick of "love" and "romance" and "crushes" and "romantic interests." Don't try to tell me that you understand. You don't.
I have friends that are getting married... a cousin who is three months older than me is getting married, and I just found out. I don't even know who the girl is. My younger sister is engaged. But you know what... I don't even want it anymore. I want someone who... I want a relationship that is so close that... I just thought of it. mewithoutYou "Bullet to Binary"

Let us die, let us die. And dying we reply, "don't you tell us about your suffering, NO, look in our eyes, look in our eyes." Let us be, let us be! Our closeness is such, that wherever she rests her head, in the softness underneath, she'll feel me. And you will feel me!
When you laugh, you'll feel my breath there, filling up your lungs. And when you cry, those aren't your tears, but I'm there falling down your cheek. And when you say you love him. Taste me, I'm like poison on your tongue. But when you're tired, if you're quiet, you'll hear me singing you to sleep.

I wanted that closeness that defined a man and woman as two halves of one being. But who would ever want to be the other half of me? Another mewithoutYou line... "I'd never want someone so crass as to want someone like me, but a few leagues off the shore, I bit a flashing lure and I assure you, it was not what I expected it to be." So perhaps... the surrender of the ending of that song is the best that I can do... "'I do not exist' we faithfully insist while watching sink the heavy ship of everything we knew. If ever you draw near I'll hold up high a mirror. Lord, I could never show you anything as beautiful as you." And those two quotes are part of the song "Messes Of Men"

They are by far, my favorite band to quote.

I was up all night working, and I have to work another ten hour shift tonight, so I need to be going. So for the ending of the terrible blog, here is a poem I've been writing.

I will post it in a separate blog so that people who don't read this ridiculous blog might still see it.