Troubled

Well, I was thinking a little while ago that I wasn't going to blog today, after all. I was tired and trying to get to sleep and really didn't have much to say. But then I found there was too much on my mind to sleep and so I prayed and then got up to talk to a friend. And so this blog is for her. She's studying, and so to save her from interruptions, I decide I'd write this, and then I wouldn't be disturbing her but I'd be clearing my mind.

I guess it's times when my mind is troubled that I start thinking about mistakes I've made.

One person always comes to mind and it's nice to know it's not who you'd expect.

She comes to mind for two reasons... And I can't exactly just state those reasons. They go hand in hand. She's that best friend whom I always wish to talk to when I'm troubled and it seems that some mistakes I've made have actually been talking to her.

Not to say that it was bad to talk to her, I just know that I've spoken with her and what I had to say concerning my mistakes threw her for an emotional loop. She's told me that she was glad that I spoke with her, but it just caught her off guard and she didn't know how to handle it.

So I guess after explaining that I can state my two reasons as first, she's the first person I always think to call and I can confide in her when I'm troubled, and second, she is one of those mistakes that I've made, and yet she still does her best to be there for me.

There's a part of me that really wishes I didn't have feelings for her. I know she knows that I have feelings for her, but I hate for her to be burdened with it, if that makes sense. She just seems to smile and say "that's what friends are for."

I say seems because I've never actually seen her response, and I actually haven't seen her period for nearly a year. I just assume that that's her reaction. She's the soft smile type of person.

Another reason I wish I didn't have feelings for her is because whenever I meet a girl... No matter how interested or hopeful I am, there always seems to be a part of me holding out, hoping for a miracle to work out with my friend.
I could never deserve her. But she knows all my mistakes and flaws... And she still loves me (as a friend). I think she thinks of me more as a big brother, anyway.

She's always encouraging me though. Telling me about the girl that God is raising for me in His time. I'm always wishing that it could be her... And I feel like that's wrong of me. I don't deserve her.

I guess I wait. I don't need to be worrying about it now anyway. I have other priorities now. And as the Bible says, we can't serve two masters. So I need to keep my focus forward now so that I can focus on a "her" in the future and take good care of her.

I really need to get to sleep. I have to be up and headed out of the room by 0400.

I've been listening to a couple cds pretty regularly in this time before leaving.
mewithoutYou's Brother, Sister and Catch For Us The Foxes, but less than Brother, Sister.
Jonezetta's Cruel To Be Young
As Cities Burn's new cd Hell or High Water.

And don't forget to pick up and enjoy mewithoutYou's new cd "It's all Crazy! It's all False! It's all a Dream! It's Alright." You have to pick it up for me on May 19 since I'll be in Basic Training (assuming I wake up in the morning). So you have to promise to get it and enjoy it for me. Okay?!

Goodbye for now.