Society tends to view singles who choose to remain single as generally troubled people. People think they're not all there or they're disturbed. No one ever seems to consider that maybe it's just who they are.
And on a side note... I've discovered why I don't ever blog anymore. Aside from having very little to say these days, there is simply no comfortable position. Whether I'm typing on a computer or on my phone, there are just no positions that I enjoy sitting in for long enough to type out a blog that all of six people are going to read.
That said, we can get back to singles.
Friends tell me that maybe God's plan isn't for me to be single. Well what if I just work better alone. I'd love to have someone, but sometimes I think I just work best on my own.
I don't know that it's entirely healthy all the time. I know that when I end up alone I tend to isolate and cut myself off from the world. I know I dive into myself. The past few days I've been isolated and in turn I've isolated myself. Maybe it's a defense. I went and hung out with a friend last night and I was just kidding around with some things I did or said, but it seems I was just being a jerk.
When I got to her house, I thought it looked like she was asleep on the couch, so I asked her roommate who was on the porch to shut the door so that I could use the knocker. After using the knocker there's a bang on the door, which I found out later was a pepsi bottle being thrown at the door. I went in, sat down, hung out for about an hour watching some stupid show on MTV, and I kept making a joking comment asking if I could leave yet.
When the show was over I said I was leaving and went outside. My friend followed me and went and sat down on the bench with her roommate and took the phone and started talking. I again said I was leaving and walked down the steps. She told me to sit, to get back on the porch and sit. I asked why, for what, por que? I walked out, got in my car, started it, and left. I didn't see any reason for me to stay. I felt like my being there didn't mean anything. She'd been laying on the couch watching tv and playing with her phone the whole time I was there. She had told me she had to go to bed by 10 and I left at 10:10.
Driving down the road I sent her a text asking her to tell her roommate goodnight. So she calls me and says she's not doing it, but it's on speaker phone. So I tell her roommate goodnight and after basically talking about nothing for a minute I tell her that all I needed to do was tell her roommate goodnight. So she says okay and I say okay, and I hang up. The whole point to it was supposed to be a joke that I would tell her roommate goodnight, but not her.
She was obviously offended by my hanging up on her. I apologized for being a jerk and said I wasn't meaning to be. I don't know if she was having a bad night or if I was just being a jerk, but I do know that I was greeted by a bottle thrown at the door, I sat there and watched stupid reality tv with her for an hour, and I left ten minutes after she wanted to be in bed to her telling me to come back and sit down on her porch. It didn't seem like a very friendly visit, and I felt like she was being a bit of a jerk. So sorry if I'm a jerk.
Anyway... There's an example of how I'm a jerk. How I re-enter society after being left alone and isolating myself.
My past two... Three... Four... Five roommate situations haven't turned out very well. First there was living with my cousins, I always just isolated myself in my room. I would just slip in and out of the house, to and from my room. Next was the Webbs. I love them all, but after living on their couch for two months, for some reason I was very distant from Austin. The same Austin who who would be my best man if I ever married. Not that I ever told him that... It came up one day and he said it. It wasn't him being cocky or proud. He just knew that if ever I married, he'd be my best man, and it's true.
After living with the Webbs, I lived with Sandy. I really didn't enjoy living there, same situation, always isolated myself in my room, with as little interaction with my roommates as possible. The next two roommates I had have very similar stories. I was a jerk when I did see them, and I would just go straight to my room and shut the door, coming out only when I knew they were asleep. With Chris I would sometimes even go out and get food and completely ignore him.
I consider Chris to be one of my best friends, and now, having moved out, I miss him.
I just don't think I deal well with people being close. I keep people at a distance and when they get too close, I isolate myself. So I don't know if I'm meant to be single or not, but I know I single myself out. I do better when I'm alone. I enjoy my friends and I enjoy life.
But when there's someone actively involved in my life, I isolate myself. If that person's a girl, I tend to cut off a lot of my friends and focus only on her, while if it's a roommate, I isolate myself completely.
So maybe I'm just made to be single. I don't know what to do in relationships with people. I can sometimes be a decent friend, but most of the time I feel like I'm just selfish. A leech. Now with a relationship with a girl, I would have no idea what to do. I'm used to always having a crush and always being turned down... So what to I do when a girl actually likes me in return... I don't know what to do, so I probably just end up messing stuff up and being a jerk. It's not intentional, it's just who I am.
I'm okay with myself, and I sometimes think I'll be better off alone. Friends are good for me.
Well, I've been wanting to post a blog asking which t-shirts I should take with me to basic. We are supposed to bring three civilian outfits, so I was going to have a poll for which shirts I should take. Anyone know how to set up a poll? There's no way I could just post it here on the blog, because then only like six people would see it.
So anyway, let me know about the shirts if you want.
Thanks for putting up with my selfish, jerky ways.
Currently Listening: Anti-Meridian
Artist: Brave Saint Saturn
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