The cynic for the saint...

Blog from MySpace.

Current mood: cynical
Category: Life

Does anyone mind that I'm a cynic?
I'm sorry if sometimes I am overly blunt, or get upset with you because of my cynical attitude.
I have been very cynical the past few days.
Nikki told me that her brother was going to propose to his girlfriend today, and instead of saying congratulations or something... I went off on how the odds of my sister's brother proposing to his girlfriend today are 0.
Obviously my sister's brother would be me... and seeing as I have no girlfriend, I have absolutely no chance of proposing too her.

Well, on top of that, I'm very angry today...
I'm not sure why, I'm just mad.
I just want something to go right.

So... I had plans to get up around 9 this morning... (like every other morning), but typical to myself, I didn't wake up until some time after noon. Today it was about 3.
I want to get up and do something with my day...
But there's nothing to do with my day...
My time is probably better spent sleeping.
I mean, if I'm going to waste my life away, I guess the less conscious I am the less guilt I'll feel...
Seems decently logical...
...And yet completely f***ing retarded...
I guess maybe I'm mad at myself for wasting all my time...
But what am I going to do with it???
I almost dread my days off work....
There's nothing to do but go to work and hang out.

You know what...
If this is living... then somebody please tell me I can shoot myself...
Cause this fucking sucks.
(... funny that I typed that without even noticing what I was saying.....)
I don't care anymore...
If these are the "best years of my life" just imagine what I have to look forward to...
Someone please tell me that this isn't living...
I so want to die right now it's... (well, I'd say it's not funny, but I guess dying wouldn't be funny anyway)
But seriously...
If I died....
Who would be there?
I mean Austin and Mrs. Webb are on mission trips for another 2 weeks....
I don't know how my friends in Jacksonville would ever even find out that I was dead...
I mean the only people there would be family... and people around here who noticed that I stopped showing up for things, and knew where they could find out where I was or what happened to me...
And heck... would they even notice I was gone before the funeral had actually taken place???


you know the saddest thing about this...
The next time I see someone who has read this...
I'll "be" just fine....
Oh so fucking fine...

You know what...
I don't know why... but shit is my favorite curse word...
I mean I hardly ever use them... and if I do, it's almost never out loud... but I really like the word shit...
I don't know why....

...Anybody mind taking me out and getting me really drunk or really high to find out what's really wrong with me?

What is it in life...
What point is it when you reach the point that you have nothing to live for?
I'm sure I'm still alive for something ...
And I sure hope to God that it's not a subconscious hope that things will get better...
You know what makes it worse...
It's a conscious hope that I don't believe in, but I force anyway...
Why do I force myself to live...?

Currently listening : The Question By Emery Release date: By 02 August, 2005

6 Comments - 4 Kudos

	Kelly	you know mattie my offer still stands anytime you want to....i know how you feel...things are real shitty around here...and i would notice you were gone...you are my favorite guy! Noone should ever have to hide who they truly are! Posted by Kelly on Friday, July 21, 2006 at 10:36 PM

	~Crystal~	I fucking agree with you MATT! I feel like you in all that you say...I'm sick of nothingness in life...and why exactly is this the best years of our lives?! Cheer Up! Tomorrow it's just You and Me and the Signal! ;-D Posted by ~Crystal~ on Friday, July 21, 2006 at 10:38 PM

	elyse	Matt, you're a wonderful person. I deal with being cynical myself. Remember when I would always post blogs about myself, putting myself down, and you would always try to cheer me up and give me good advice? Well, I'm doing the same for you. First of all, just keep reading your Bible and praying to God. I know it sounds cliche but it seriously does help. I worked at a camp this summer for a month and my life and attitude have changed in so many ways. I don't worry as much as I used to. I haven't cussed in 2 months. I don't look down on myself anymore. I don't care what others, especially judgmental people, think of me. If they don't like me based on the fact that I don't fit their idealistic standards on beauty, being a Christian, or have family issues, well, peace out. If someone is going to judge one before they get to know one, that's their loss. I'm not going to feel sorry for myself anymore and neither should you. Only two people are invited to pity parties: you and the Devil. I hate to see you so sad. You're a good person, Matt, but we all have our hard times. Just don't give up on faith and life itself. THings will get better I can guarentee you. They're getting better for me. If you ever need anything, just talk to me and I'll be there. I will definitely keep you in my prayers and may God bless you. Posted by elyse on Friday, July 21, 2006 at 10:57 PM

	Proud to be a DAD	Fundamentally, there is always supernatural influence on your life. The devil will seek to destroy you in every way. God stops him most of the time, but not always. He tests your faith during these times. But he is always with you. Then again on the negative and this is where the shoulder angel theory comes from is the devil. Satan will try to mess up everything for you. Thats what he does, he is trying to get you to kill yourself so that it will make his job easier. He wants you in hell, he is the ultimate enemy. There is allways a war going on that isn't seen between the forces of darkness and light no one really understands. I don't think it is possible for us as mear mortals to understand. But God will always be there for you and if we stand in that belief and have faith we can fight Satan, and beat him. So keep that faith my mellow friend and I will pray for you and like I commented you, call us keep in touch and we can help you, help us, help them. :-D Later man. I also have to really really really apologise about making comments about you and Catherine. I felt like I may have really made you uncomfortable and upset. I am sorry man. Posted by Proud to be a DAD on Saturday, July 22, 2006 at 2:16 AM

	courtney	i want to be able to say something to you that would help you in some way, or give you a smart solution...but i can't. its odd. the girl that always has something to say can't think of something to help. guess i am saying all this b/c i belive in you, and i know that you prolly think i am just saying that to be nice....but that is not the case. i really do. i care when you are not around. i notice when you are not around. don't lose hope matt. i know you can make it through. and i don't want to sound "cheesy" or whatever b/c i am being for real. God can get you through this. He has pulled me out of a lot of crap that i thought i could never get out of, but with him i made it. and you can too. if no one else belives in you just know that i do. i am praying for you. courtney Posted by courtney on Saturday, July 22, 2006 at 3:17 AM

~Crystal~

I should take back my first comment due to the fact that I was upset too! However the best response would be to pray and probably refrain from cussing! :-D I don't know what was with us yesterday but we can talk about it later. Love Yas, ~CRYS~ Posted by ~Crystal~ on Saturday, July 22, 2006 at 1:08 PM