Current mood: Contemplative, Peaceful
Category: Contemplative, Peaceful Life
So there are too many times that I want to say things, and for various reasons I can't.
Whether it be the relationship I have with the person or just my own cowardice. So here's a growing list of things that I don't often say. And if I try to say them, they usually come out wrong because I'm either trying to keep from crossing lines in a certain relationship or I don't want to allow for the sending of wrong signals... or whatever.... I don't want to complicate some relationships, and I don't want to lead people on in already slightly complicated relationships. I'm sorry, but most of these things are things I would say to girls... Someone (or two or three) needs to help me find the lines in relationships so that maybe I can say things that are better than "Well it's different and I'll get used to it" about a haircut that I really liked.
Well, there's the :
"Your hair looks great." for starters.
"You are beautiful, stop talking yourself down. You are more beautiful than you can imagine."
"Wow! She looks like your younger twin sister and she is gorgeous!!!!"
You know, another list of things I don't say...
"Hey, I know you're going through some stuff... I've been going through some stuff too... maybe we could help each other."
I guess that's about all I have to say.
I'm sorry that I have this gift to see the beautiful in most everyone, but not in myself.
And I'm sorry that, for the most part, I despise, and do not trust men. (this could explain why I don't want a certain someone to be hired....)
{::wink wink::}
Now there are those of you that I trust and love and I wish that I could be more open with you guys, but it's my distrust for the rest of men that keeps me slow to speak. It's easy to tell if I trust you. Just look at how much I talk to you, or how much time I spend with you that I choose to spend with you.
So, to end this...
I'll say it's a very odd thing to attracted to certain people.
I don't really want to say anything about this attraction, because nothing will ever become of it.
But it brings me to thinking...
I've been thinking lately that, when I marry, I will love her, of course. But that won't be enough.
I believe that almost any marriage can make it. Now I'm not saying that you should stay in an abusive relationship, but I do believe that most problems can be worked out. If both parties would accept that they ARE their spouse, and that the air that they breathe is the air their spouse breathes.
That is everything in its simplest form. Stop trying to get more for yourself. Everything you get is not just yours, but, in equal share, your spouses.
If you are looking for another, more attractive man or woman, than you do not know your spouse well enough. You are selfish.
You want to know why I see such beauty in people? It is because.... as selfish as I am... I am move willing to serve, and take the least for myself. I believe that no matter what the world thinks of me, there is someone who will see me for every beautiful thing that I am... and every flaw that I have will simply add to the beauty.
It's funny how we are blinded at times. There was once that I was afraid of a girl liking me, because, although she was beautiful, I was not attracted to her. But once she was not available to me, she was more beautiful than ever before.
It's really sad that sometimes people don't know what they have. There are so many relationships that end for pathetic reasons. I am envious of people with no end. They have such a wonderful thing, and they are so willing throw it way... They don't know what they have. I would die for a love with flaws and struggles. I would give the world to know a single moment without loneliness.
I do believe that you can't really help who you are attracted to and who you have feelings for... but loving them, or someone else is your choice. I can choose who I want to pursue.... and I (feel obligated to) choose no one at the moment... She's too young, she's too old, she's married, she says too much, she's not real with people... etc...
Married couple will fall in and out of love. NEVER doubt that. It is a choice to continue loving someone, even if you lose the butterfly feelings for them. The feelings will be back once you both start choosing to love each other and stop looking for something better.
Sure, perhaps the grass is greener on the other side... but I guarantee that once you reach it, it will be brown, the grass you left will be green, and you will have a very hard time making it back to it before it goes brown again. You simply have to wait it out and discover that grass dies and comes back greener than ever.
I worry a lot about ... how will I know who I love? How will I know that they're the one I should marry.
Well. I still can't answer that question entirely.
But I have discovered that the person I love is a choice that I honestly have little choice in.
I find myself attracted to someone at the moment... and I can honestly say that I love her... She is a beautiful person, through and through... but I know that "we" can never be. This is a new experience for me... generally I'm the one saying... "sure, we could work this out." and I won't argue that if it were possible, if she did feel for me and we had a chance, I would be willing to fight through problems with this person... but I simply know that "we" can never be. There is no question to it.
And now I'm left to beat away these feelings.
I guess that means that God says "no" to me as well. I always seem to get the other end where girls are like "No Matt, it just can't be..." there's no real reason for it... it just CAN'T be. I have always felt that it could be, and this is the first time that I have really felt and accepted that it can't be.
I honestly believe that I could fight through any problems in any relationship with a person that I have loved. If I have loved you once, I will always love you... no matter what dry patches we go through. I believe that anyone can get through anything if they want to. This is why it is sad to see marriages fall apart.... and some so quickly.
I can't say that I completely understand all of this, but here it is.
Thanks for reading, I know it was long.
You are beautiful, accept it, it won't change.
My life, my mind, my heart, your eyes
Ever the "optimistic cynic"....
Yours to judge
Matt
Your thoughts, your council :
 | Currently listening : The Best Worst-Case Scenario By Fair Release date: By 06 June, 2006  |
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| ~Crystal~  |
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