I think I'm officially a stripper, And I can't say I dislike it

"We have put our hope in the living God, who is the Savior of all men, and especially of those who believe. Command and teach these things. Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity."
~~I Timothy 4: 12(ish)~~


So, I've been listening to the two Sullivan cds the past couple days.
Quite enjoying it.
Sad that they broke up.
But I've been seeing a pattern in life... Heathe Ledger, Dead Poetic, Sullivan, Cassie Bernall...
Death it striking early...

Today- well, yesterday- was my first day on outside of training at Waffle House. It's still only my fourth day though. I trained two days, and one day I washed dishes. So I'm still trying to learn a lot, but at least it was really slow.
I made 35 dollars. Well, $37.45... 30 ones, 1 five, and some change...

Well, I got online about four hours ago, planning on posting this. And I spent four hours clearing out emails, reading blogs, downloading some music... that type of stuff, and finally I'm getting to this blog.

Has anyone else's computer recently installed some updates and insist that it needs to restart now, but continue to pester you as you keep telling it that you'll do it later? I mean... it gives you the option of later... so stop asking, right? I only turn my computer on like once a week anyway... so... It will restart/shut down soon enough... let me finish what I'm working on!

I was playing Guitar Hero III yesterday, and rocking out, and I was just loving it!
I was jumping around my living room. I had to move the couch... (one of them...) because I needed more room. And I was singing and mashing buttons... (simultaneously when I could...)
I rock!!! I'm telling you.

But, So, Anyway...
(The ultimate transition... to be used when implying, "Change the subject, NOW!!!")

I was wanting to post this blog to say this:
I've been disappointed recently.
It struck me today (after I've recovered... of course). I have been frustrated not knowing who is going to make it to my birthday party. I found myself wanting to just call it off.
If no one cares to come, or has the time... I'll just not bother putting any energy into it.

This has been my thinking.
I've been thinking the same about this blog...
My poetry...
My heart... (but, not so much...)

I recently read, by C.S. Lewis, The Great Divorce. I LOVED it. Toward the end (I believe) there is an artist who turns down going to heaven because he wants to paint for recognition, rather than just paint for the love of painting.

This keeps coming to mind.

I've been thinking lately that if no one wants to read my blog, or poetry... why should I bother? If no one wants to come to a friendly gathering (which just happens to be around my birthday)... why should I bother? My heart... I lay it out for you, but no one has time anymore

But at least I've found something recently... I've found home. I've found that place where I've opened my heart to the Lord.
So I don't feel entirely wasted.
But I still... I don't write much anymore... I'm overflowing with ideas, but... God knows them all... so what's the point in my writing them out? No one seems to care to read them anymore.

I hate being depressed! What can I do about it though? I just smile and walk on. I have nothing else... Isn't it terrible that I have friends, whom I love to death, but I don' t like hanging out with? I feel alienated and alone with them... I feel like... I feel I'm not free to be myself with them. Especially because I can't tell them about how I feel.
I love them so much... but... How do you make it make sense?
"I love you, but I just don't want to be around you..."

I asked to meet with the pastor of the church recently... Mainly because I want to do something. I want to praise God, but I'm not sure where to start, anymore. After about a week the youth pastor called me and told me that Pastor was busy, and Pastor had asked if the youth pastor would speak with me because he knew me better.
I tried to not let it get to me... but I honestly expected it. Before Pastor David had even called me (and I don't mind talking to him). I was hopeful at first, but then I began to think... did they forget about me? Is Pastor too busy for me? Is my search for advice on seeking Christ less important than building a bigger church?

I hate to let these things bother me. And I try not to let them. Recently I've been doing so well...

But...
I mean... Who's going to bother reading all this anyway.
I write this here... I write as if I was writing an email to a friend. Only, I'm writing an email to multiple friends... only problem is, it's not getting to anyone.
I write a blog to contact all of you at once. An update on my life. Just for you.
I ask questions... but they remain unanswered... Because no one is getting them.
So perhaps I will forward this message to you... The ones I really want to read it.

We all have so little time these days...
Why do we even bother with friends? I hardly ever see any... because I always have to GO see them... who ever comes to see me? I'm always here...
Austin is coming... Josiah is coming...

I Timothy 4:12 has been my favorite Bible verse for a long time. I just opened my Bible last night, and ended up at I Tim. 1, so I read chapter 1. Tonight when starting this, I wanted to say something from what I read, but looking back, no simple verse spoke to me, so I jumped a couple chapters to 4:12. And when I wrote it, and I was writing this blog, they didn't seem to fit together, but now I'm starting to see something.

I'm not being looked down on... I'm simply being overlooked... So many things to get done, who has time to bother with...

I HATE FEELING THIS WAY!!!!!

But this is what I was posting this blog about.

I noticed this. That I had been discouraged. I hit a bump... I've been walking so... It hasn't been great, but I've been able to hurdle every hurdle, I've been able to stand up after being knocked down by a wave, and I smiled. But I'm finally finding that I'm tired of it...

I'm tired of it being a "nice day" for an umbrella!
Who the... Who carries an umbrella on a nice day??? (excluding Florida weather where it rains on nice days...)

Well, anyway... Back to smiling.
I have something to do... somewhere to go... a life to live, and I can't sit here crying about it...
But aren't we allowed to do that from time to time?
I once told someone I wanted to throw a birthday party, but I felt selfish... She told me "it's your birthday, you're ALLOWED to be selfish."
But does that apply in every part of our lives? Is it selfish of me to say "hey, you've been too busy with your life, would you mind sparing a moment? I'm feeling very ignored!" Is that so selfish to say every once in a while?

Is it really so bad to let me tell a story about my life every once in a while? Or should I just sit, silently listening to every one for all of my life? Why do I feel neglected? Why do I feel overlooked? Is that selfish of me?

I had a friend who created a MySpace account for close friends ONLY, and then deleted her old account. She then deleted the new account. Then she created another new one just the other day, and invited me to be her friend... I considered denying her... but I accepted, and sure enough... within a day, she's deleted the account.

I'm SICK of Drama!!! It's not her, it's everywhere. It's... I refuse to put up with it. REFUSE!!!
I'm done with it!
I had enough drama in the first month of this year to last me a lifetime.

Am I a bad, and lazy friend because I post one blog and see it as a letter to all of you?
Am I asking too much that you take a moment to read my useless ramblings?
Yes, this one takes more than a moment, but... I have something to say.
LISTEN TO ME!!!!???
Should I write all of you individually? Would that make me less lazy? Would that make me a better friend?
I don't have time to write a long letter like this to all of you individually. I'm sorry, I hardly ever get on the computer. So you know what I do? I type up little messages on my phone, and post them here to my blog. Just little updates for you to know what's going on.
I sometimes include pictures.

I take the time to read your blogs when I get online... it took me 4 hours to get to even writing my blog because I was catching up on emails and blogs...

I'm going now... It's unlikely many, if any of you will reach this point without skipping some section of this...
Except for perhaps those of you that I email it to specifically...

Sincerely
Matthew.

Well, I was...

Currently watching: Cutthroat Island Release date: 2007-05-22

But now I'm...

Currently listening to: Fall and Winter By: Jon Foreman Release date: 2008-01-15

Which is responsible for the increasingly depressing and questioning tone of this blog... I hope Spring and Summer are more.... less depressing?.... So now I'm back to...

Currently listening to: With Arrows With Poise By: The Myriad Release date: 2008-05-13