Current mood:
lonelyI don't really feel like doing anything right now, and feeling as I do, this will never get done... so here I am to do it.
Here are the two poems I said I wrote and just needed to type up in my last entry. I don't know that I particularly like either of them... let me read them, think about it a minute, and type them up, and then I'll get back to you.
Always Loving, Love
You are the whisper
Heard through all the chaos of raging wars
You are the shadow
That moves behind the pitchest night
You are the love
Dominating every man's most lonely dreams
You are everything I dream
We men are wretched things
And yet you stay here beside me
You are the void I seek to fill
And you stay here always with me
I need you tonight
You are always here for me
I need you every time
You heal all the wounds my loves have birthed
You love me more
And I give my life to honor you
You love me more
After every time I fail
After all the nights I wandered sleepless
Bedding fools to try to cure it
But you were here
Waiting all along
And you love me more
Than any creature of this earth
And more than even the measure of my own self-worth
We men are wretched things
Even so
You've never stopped
And you my Love
Will never stop
Loving me
08/12/05 (23:09)
Well I guess just reading it straight through it's okay. I just remember writing it, and it was forced. I think I was trying to make it appear as if I had faith at a time when I felt faithless... if that makes sense. This next one is about the same. Forced and not from the heart. You can see how I was trying and retrying to combine ideas that I like, but I couldn't seem to nail them together...
08/12/05 (23:12 - 23:45)
There is constantly moving a dream
Creating itself in my head
I never have to be asleep
For to weave a tale of my mind's creation
A wild tale of love and death
Not possibly told by words
You and I were holding hands
In the only time existing: Forever
Here we are
Where our hearts meet the starts
Every beauty in eternity
Captivates all the world that I can see
Drifting in a colorless void
Your eyes are the only thing in front of me
And before you had found me
Seeking you by other means
I had loved a liar
You appeared to identify him as me
You are the whisper that I could hear
Through all the chaos of raging wars
Of all the glory and power that men fight for
I fight for love, and here you are
Creating the space where my heart meets the stars
Where every beauty in eternity
Exists only in your eyes
How could you offer yourself to me
Oh, we men are wretched things
Your eyes contain the beauty
Of all eternity
Don't blink or else I'll lose myself
You captivated me
Okay, well I won't say they suck... but I don't think they're too good. They have ideas that I like, but I can't find a way to say what I want to say in either of them. I don't know... I'm tired of caring about this life. If it has value to God he really needs to show it to me... I'm not getting anything done for him or myself or anyone else, and I seem to be living a pointless life. I want to come home you guys... I miss you. Well, just because I want to, and because I'm wearing a pink shirt, and hopefully doing this will help me feel a little bit better, I'm going to post some old poems that I enjoy. (that was a long sentence...) Some of these may actually be up here already, but I'm reposting them if they are. I'm going to put them in the order that I wrote them according to the date I put on them.
The Painting of a Broken Heart
Joyous and colorful - hippie fashion - was the statement long ago
Torn and broken, I now lay, in the center of this tattered home
Bathe the cracks in black tears, of my heart's own birth
The call the let the children come, evermore will go unheard
Mourning dawn below a sky of faded gray
Blackness reigns over all the colors
Dead was all the artist could say
In a colorless, black and faded room
Was the painting of a broken heart
Four walls reflecting the artist's sorrow
Corners jaded with the pain
Nothing but an endless sorrow
Hope taken by the shame
Set fire to your heart where the truth is pounding deep inside
Burn its so-called blasphemy and from the ashes mother your pride
The blaze was set to ease your pain, but I'm the one who's hurting
I see joy reflecting in your eyes, as I'm left slowly burning
Wounds, in time, will heal and scar, and bonds of sympathy will fade
But you won't acknowledge how I am saved, your eyes blinded by hate
You ignore the one, walking beside me through these flames
The artist cries a mournful tear
View of death, it seems, has hardly changed
In a colorless, black, and faded room
Was the painting of a broken heart
A naked boy appeared so real... A lie
Guilt would not set him free
Salvation left no time to hide
A dying friend was all the boy could see
You now live in your own painting, of a portrait I'll never see
But I know that I shall ne'er forget, the loneliness of a blackened sea
Haunted in my memories, I can still hear the screams
Of a colorless, black, and faded room, painted with shattered dreams
And so you're left alone there, crying silently in vain
Perhaps you aren't yet lost forever
But only faded with the pain
In a colorless, black, and faded room
Burned the painting of a broken heart
Four walls of sad, black sorrow
That once reflected the artist's pain
Burn away to reveal tomorrow
As colorful hope returns again
03/05/04
The Sinner's Lullaby
Now I lay me down to sleep
And I pray for peace this eve
For in the morning when I wake
I'll be deceived by yet another pretty face
And there they are haunting me
For they know I'll always be
A simple sinner saved by grace
Deceived by yet another pretty face
But please God let there be one out there
That's waiting just for me
A brilliant angel that forever
A brilliant angel that forever
Forever there she'll be
Just loving only me
And when I fall before I wake
My brilliant angel there will shake
The demons from my eyes
And I'll return yes I'll return
To this world of truth and lies
And I know she'll always be
Waiting at the door eyes all full of sleep
She'll be waiting just for me
As I stumble home drunk in my defeat
A simple sinner saved by grace
I love you my Guardian
And my God give me the strength
To walk home and face my love
Tell her the truth of my disgrace
Hidden behind my innocent face
And those who knew and did yet nothing
Forever I will hate
Because they knew and yet they let me
Fall back on my face
When I hated what I did
I hated all the sin
But now my angel is here waiting
Waiting to share my embrace
And so I thank you Lord for faith
Signed the Sinner Saved by Grace
(not sure of the date for this one... may actually have come before the final version of The Painting of a Broken Heart)
Here is a tribute to all of my wonderful friends
07/31/04 (12:53)
In the pitch of darkest night
You're my hope that is the moonlight
Reminding me the Son's still there
Burning brightly in my despair
New Life
Out of the ashes grow purple flowers
In a morning haze that I wish would last for hours
You can make beautiful everything I see
Bring forth new life, beauty, and Christ in me
Help me to keep the memory of that day at the beach
Never forgetting how she felt when the waves hit her feet
But please bless me to forget her enough
So that my injured heart won't be so painful to touch
So that I can love without having to hate
So that out of the ashes, new life you can make
(09/16/04)
10/03/04 (Sunday Morning)
A thimble full of grief
Drawn forth from a sea
Knock me flat
You should hit the deck
There's water there
At the very end of everything
Forgiving a life of sin
He'll die by his own hand
There were no words that made any sense
In that room lost in grief-filled silence
The sudden death of innocence
Seeds for the faithless, in a sense
Broken marrow deep within
Blood spill from the veins
Dripping from the skin
Pouring from the sky like rain
The bitter reminder
That this world is unforgiving
10/08/04
I'll turn a page every second
Since that's what time has called me to
But if I spend my life turning pages
What moments then are left for you?
You my love
My devotion
My sleepless night of dreams
And when I find the time
I'll keep turning pages
Haunted by worshipers' hollowed screams
Building the song
And brick by brick they build
The mortar, the tar is thick
And if I think about it
I could no sooner save myself
Breathing heavy air
Oh, my Lord,
I'm full of doubt
Slept So Long (The Days are Really Near the End)
I used to be able to see them clearly
And write them down so loudly
But now the words on my heart have begun to fade
Like a whisper in a distant field
Yours might be a voice I think I recognize
But I’ve lost the sight that opened my eyes
I’ve lost the pain that made the words shine bright
Like the words on the ring in the fairytale
Revealed by flame but they’ve begun to fade
And the time I’ve taken to rest
Has raised to life my discomfort in death
Slept so long, so long
So long, farewell
Burn into the heart the pain, the pain
I’m ready to bleed again
I’m ready to paint again
In the beat of the drums
The speed of the strums
They’re coming to fast
The warrior’s heart in the hunt
The time has passed
Marching to old battle tunes
Melodies made for memories
Where all that’s left is found in ruins
Thus I near the ending pages
Stories of my life scribbled down and dated
Ending with addresses, times, and directions for payment
Where will you carry me now?
A layman
You will take me to where blind men hear and deaf men see
I’ve slept so long
It was almost a dream
And your words, like a whisper in a distant field
The comforting hope of a voice I know I recognize
10/25/2004
And Of The Lower Beings
It's time that I found my reflection in the shadows
Of a time when I couldn't find who I was
In a time that it was so dark in the silence
We were all gods when we ignored the shadows from above
The shadows cast where flames now burns
The safety of our inevitably falsified feign
Ignorance loses bliss in the terrified screams
Set loose from the chaos of Hollywood's dreams
A god among insects
Though we were at the time
We've since then faded
To 'one notes' and worthless rhymes
Now here we are
At the completely opposite end
Nowhere near home
And yet home again
But even at home
We would have never seen this chance
We grasshoppers like to leave
The working to the ants
10/30/04
Pink Is My New Black (Hold Me Close And I'll Dance)
There was a time when we were all wearing black
Because our mood was set to that
But now that we've all joined the fad
We're wearing pink beside the fact
Like the plants outside the furniture store
We've all been dead since long before
Withered flowers were we all
But our pictures (framed as beauty) hung on the wall
And I'll lower my eyes
Just to avoid that glare before you walk away
And I'll turn around and around
While I avert my eyes…
(I love you)
We're staring at the ground
The meaning to that
Is hidden in the past
Where we wrote our letters back and back
There was a time when we were all wearing black
Because our mood was set to that
But now that we've all joined the fad
We're wearing pink beside the fact
(I love you)
It's cold out here tonight
Bathing in the moonlight
A Cheshire Cat smiling upon me
And the loneliness (I feel every night) you wouldn't believe
Hug me on your doorstep
Invite me in
So I can feel the pain of leaving
Hold me close and I'll dance with you till morning
Hold me close and I'll dance with you till morning
Hold me close and I'll dance
Because a smile's my new frown
A teardrop makes a sound
Like laughter on the playground
Pink is my new black
I'm glad my mood isn't set to that
12/13/2004 - 12/16/2004
Victoria Rose
Victoria Rose
Black silk petals
Blood stained thorns
Every new day offers many gifts
So untie the ribbons
Open up to life
Your eyes bleed in the color
Let rest our guards
Open our hearts to share
This gift that has been given us
Victory rose
From the ashes of defeat
I saw the payment
But forgot the memory
Let the assault of a deadly assassin
Help my unbelief
Remember we are dust
Drifting in the wind
Smoke from razing death
Child rise and live again
Look close and listen
For this is me
Biting my tongue until I’m bleeding
And I’m drowning from the liquid
Building up inside my lungs
Time stands still for raising tides
Water hits, I’ll close my eyes
Life will pause as past things die
Sleep will pass as life will rise
I think that now I’ve found it’s time
To break myself of this
My most self-destructing habit
Of holding back my words
Until they cut so deeply into me
That I’m left barely breathing
And I’m running out of blood for bleeding
Open your eyes
Start growing up inside
Maturity’s your lie
Oh, so much like mine
I can’t handle this
My veins are running dry
My pen ceases to write
But this place gives me new life
Silk rose petal ribbon
Tying back your hair
Let it down
Let’s not disguise
Our mistakes with good-byes
But instead open our hearts
And let down our guards
Not so open
That the wolves catch our scent
But just enough
To let ourselves in
Walking together
On a cold dark night
Silence all around
But then static in my ears
The sound of rushing water
Oh, so much more than our tears
A spark in the night
The tunnel’s end is near
1st Ending 2nd Ending
I'll keep you warm I’ll hold you tight
No matter how you try to fight I’ll keep you warm
We'll make it out together We’ll make it out together
You'll keep me alive Don’t fight your heart
Stop fighting your heart We’ll hold you tight
We're coming out We’re coming out alive
Alive and together Alive and together we are one
02/17/2005 - 02/18/2005
(I'm not particularly fond of either ending, I need to work on it)
Your Face Here (Have Your Way)
Okay... That was long... Sorry... How many of you actually made it to this apology in one sitting??? I'm sorry for that... But reading the old has helped me to feel a little bit better.
"Your Face Here" upon my heart with love
Matthew (Mahi) E.
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