Wishing... (Lessons from the past)

I wish...
I wish I understood things better...
I wish I had gone with my instincts and never chosen to love Melanie...
It was a choice... not a feeling... certainly not my first instinct... But I believe that love is a choice... on top of a feeling... because there will be seasons that the feeling isn't there...

But anyway, to start, I had really liked her... she was really cool, but she wasn't the girl I really wanted... I was actually interested in two other girls when Melanie and I first started hanging out...
But I asked Melanie out anyway, because... I don't know... I did really like her... I did think she was really cool... I didn't want to be alone... peer pressure from our roommates (who were dating each other)... any one or more of a number of reasons... I asked her out...
But for three or four weeks... it just didn't go the way I wanted at all...

I want to be able to go to church with my wife, and love God and my wife... but with Melanie... I kept skipping church, and spending time with her or going to church late... I put her before God...
I was frustrated...
I had promised myself I'd save my first kiss for marriage... but I kissed her... because... I don't know... I really wanted to... I really liked her... I really wanted to know what it was like... I've wanted to know all my life.
But I always felt so guilty...
I guess because I really didn't think she was right... even though I did like her...
I felt like I was just using her because I wanted someone to cuddle with, and someone to kiss... because I didn't want to be alone.

But then this other girl I was interested in... whom I saw every Thursday in a prayer group at school... I started talking to her... She was VERY VERY friendly... She was on fire for God... and that's what I really wanted in my life... God... (looking back, I mistakenly interpreted my desire for God as a desire for this girl, and I eventually noticed that mistake)

Anyway, I talked to her about how I was feeling about Melanie, and we agreed that if my heart wasn't in it, that I needed to back out to keep from hurting Melanie.
So... I talked to Melanie... told her that I really wasn't sure about how I felt about her... which since we had started going out, I hadn't been sure... and she knew that and admits to having known that.

Well, I broke up with her, and then we really became good friends...
We hung out... and I didn't feel guilty... But I had broken her heart... and I didn't know it... I kept trying to make sure she was okay, because I didn't want her to hurt... but she always said she was fine.

So I started talking to this other girl and we both liked each other... for about 3 days... Eventually I realized that she is just a big flirt and every few days she'd meet a guy and be like "could this be the guy God has for me?"... but I was still really hoping for something, so I followed her around for about a month and a half... I was also still attracted to her because I saw her chasing after God...
She had started telling me that she really thought I should go back to Melanie, and I kept saying that I really didn't think there was anything there... That I really honestly believed that God had someone better for me.

I had distanced myself from Melanie because I had started seeing that she was hurting, and I couldn't do anything... and because we would still kiss and make-out sometimes... and I was really trying to follow God... So I distanced myself from her because it was hurting me as well.


Eventually, when the other girl I had been talking to started to drive me nuts... when she went overboard with her public praying... when I wanted to pray in corners and she wanted to yell out over a courtyard all her problems... I started to see that she wanted attention... and I couldn't stand it...
I went back to Melanie, who was a true and honest friend. I started talking to her more... I missed her... I missed her as a friend.
She really was a great friend.
So I stopped talking to this other girl, because I realized she wasn't what I thought she was, and I started hanging out with Melanie again. Not as a romantic interest... just as friends...

But then it hit me...
I could love her... I wanted to love her...
So I told myself that I did... I chose to love her...
I didn't ever tell her though...
I waited until I was up in Ohio for Christmas with her family...
I freaked out... I thought I was going to lose her forever... and it all just came out...

I loved her, and I couldn't lose her... and I was the biggest fool for ever having left her.
I still wasn't fully convinced myself that she was really right for me... but I kept telling myself that I loved her...
I had made that choice and I wanted to stick with it.

So all year long... with this long distance... there was a pattern... in the early part of the year, she tried to break it off because I was too clingy, and she was too busy with softball... But I somehow convinced her to stay...
But then from about April or May on (about the time I bought her a cell phone)... I was the one trying to say it's over... and she kept convincing me to stay... all year long... If you look at what little poetry I wrote over the year, there is a constant pattern of one poem where it's like "she loves me" and then three poems of "it's over." Because she was always so distant... and would never talk to me until I got tired of it and just tried to can the whole thing... then we'd talk for a day or two... text for a week... then she'd be silent for a few days and I'd freak out again... It was an ongoing two or three week cycle for most of the year.

So toward the end of the year... the pattern had broken... I thought everything was going to work... finally!!!
We were talking more... We had planned that I was going to drive up there, in the first or second week of January, and she was going to come down here with me... move down here... I was so excited, and she seemed to be too.

But then... she got distant... looking back, I realize now that that's when she was hanging out with Jess... although they weren't "together" until after she broke up with me... (so she claims that she never "cheated")

Anyway, when she chose Jess and it was absolutely final... I wasn't broken hearted at losing her... I was broken hearted because, at first, she was mad at me, and I felt like I had lost a friend... my best friend... really, one of my only friends...
I had never felt closer to anyone else, and I had pushed a lot of people away over the year because they criticized me for staying with her.

Now I'm broken hearted because of what I see of her and Jess. Jess is manipulative and controlling and I have emails to prove it... but Melanie can't see it because she's the one being manipulated...
Things Melanie always told me she didn't like or things she hated... she does these things with Jess, or for Jess...
Of course... she also told me that she had experimented with girls before, and she ALWAYS kept telling me she didn't like it and it wasn't for her...

But... I'm just broken hearted now... as a friend... because I can see her on a road to getting hurt... and she won't listen to me... and the more I say, the more I try to warn her, the more she runs toward what I know will hurt her.
I really can't explain how I know she'll get hurt... I just...
I know she's doing things that she never wanted to do... things she always hated... and... I can't explain it... but...
I just feel it in my heart.

I don't want her back... but... I want her happy...
And I know her well enough to be able to tell that she isn't.
Like the first week in January she went to a doctor and ended up back on Depression medicine... when she was claiming to be so happy with her decision...
So there's the best example I can come up with right now... there are so many others though... just little things... but...

It's her life I suppose... Her mistakes to make...

I really do love her... As a friend... the way that I always should have loved her.
But I don't know why I chose to give her my heart... I don't know why I convinced myself that it would work...
I don't know why I convinced myself that she we were meant for each other... when I always dreamed of someone better...
I guess it's because I see such great potential in her... She is capable of such great things... if she would only let God work with her... She has... had?? such a great, and caring heart.
But now... it seems so dark and so cold...

Jess has stolen her heart... and Jess is selfish... and... mean... and hurtful... and leaves way too much information in comments on Melanie's page about what she's going to do to Mel the next time she sees her... How she's going to bite... and scratch... and.... ... ... yeah... anyway... there's just too much info...

It used to be Melanie's joy to say that our relationship wasn't a physical one... She said it like that's what she wanted...
But I guess maybe it wasn't... I don't know...

Anyway...
Sorry... I guess you didn't need all that...
I need to stop thinking about her... It's her life... right???
As a friend... is it wrong of me to let her go... if she won't listen to my warnings...
If a friend was going to drive into a brick wall... and you warned them... and they still wanted to do it... would you sit there to watch... or... turn away??? What's worse???

I keep coming back to a Proverb... I think it's 17:6 or something... but it says "Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses." and that fits perfectly in this situation... in my eyes... because... it seems to hurt her whenever I try to warn her... but... Jess just keeps getting more and more physical...

I don't know...

Proverbs 27:6... I just looked it up.
But then... I suppose 27:7 applies to my tendency to rush decisions in my loneliness... "He who is full loathes honey, but to the hungry even what is bitter tastes sweet."

Well... to explain why this is up here...
I can send people here when they want to know the story.
I really, honestly, don't like talking about it... because then I start getting frustrated with Melanie... and I start wanting to say that she's stupid and that I hate her...
When I know it's not true... My heart wouldn't be broken if it were true.
And she isn't stupid... maybe a little foolish... but she is very smart when she isn't holding herself down...

But I am ready to move on with my life.
But I am also wanting to be very cautions right now... because I know I don't want to feel alone, but I also don't want to rush into something.
I want to make some good friends right now.
Which I'm trying to do... but it's not working so well...

Oddly enough, I have met or become friends with quite a few people named Jess or Jessica recently... So I tend to call Melanie's Jess, "Less"... because Less is the first word chosen by my phone's predictive text, and I like that word better... then I can say that Melanie left me for Less :-) And I know it's true

Currently listening: There Came a Lion By: Ivoryline Release date: 05 February, 2008