Blog... (Understanding and Forgiving)

Well.

I'm posting a blog.
I haven't written a blog in a while... a very long time.
Sure, I post poetry and such, but to actually write something.
Here goes.

I'm here typing because I'm trying to NOT talk to Melanie. I've gone nearly two whole days now... Isn't that sad. She's chosen who she wants and it's not me, so I'm going to move past it.
I don't want to pursue a friendship with her. I love her to death, yes, but I don't want to be her friend right now.
She wants to come down and visit, and she wants to talk to me and be my friend...
All this IN SPITE of the fact that it will piss off the person she's now dating...
Doesn't make sense to me... sounds like she just wanted a physical touch...
Because there is no relationship, no person that she could ever find, who will treat her as well as I would have. And there is nothing in the relationship that she left me for that I couldn't do for her except for what she wants physically... and it being a physical relationship... it'll fail.
But she wanted to give up on "us" when she was going to be moving down here in January... :-) (chuckle...) just thought of an old cd... called "Drowning With Land in Sight."
But she gave up... so that's that. Her mistake, I just have to live with it.
Anyway...
She can't even be my MySpace or facebook friend. It ticks off the person she's with... But... she wants to talk to me... and come visit... all the while not telling "Mystery Date" that she's talking to me...
Sounds... well... whatever...

I love her. Just because she's willing to submit and let someone control her life doesn't mean I have to. I LOVE HER!!!
I know.... I'm sure all my friends are sick of me talking about her, and trying to explain how I can't just let her go because it's love and all...
I'm sure everyone's tired of hearing me talk about her, but in my heart... I can't explain it... I know you all say I deserve better.... but what you don't see... is her potential... to be that better person. I will never love anyone as much as I love her.
But I know you're sick of hearing about it... but the sooner I stop talking to her and move on... the sooner you'll hear less about her... so just bear with me, please.
I really do believe God has something amazing planned... anyway.... it'll take a miracle now... which he just happens to carry around... Always prepared for anything, he is... that God, fellow...

She may want to be my friend, and come visit me because I'm "a good friend." But the fact remains that she's not being my friend... she's torturing me. And I can't survive that... I can't sit here and let my heart continue bleeding... I need to cut my losses and salvage what I can.

But just to show you how she tortures me...
Since she broke up with me... well, she never really did... she just told me she didn't love me and she loved someone else... but anyway.
We talk... we probably communicated more in any week of January than we did in any month of the past year (while she claimed to love me). I'll even go as far to say that we probably communicated more recently than in several months from 2007 combined...
She let me call her... even more, she WANTED me to call her... and even more than that... she let me call her while she had a headache and we talked for two hours, while she had a head ache...
When we were "together," I could NEVER call when she had a headache... not even to say goodnight...
When we were together... She never said anything on Valentine's day, or my birthday.... She didn't say thank you for what I sent her on Valentine's Day or her Birthday...
Her biggest and only issue with me was that I was selfish and asked too much... but what did I ask for??? I bought, and I've paid for the service for a cell phone for nearly a year... just so that we could communicate.... two of those bills were up near $400. How was I selfish... How did I ask too much???

My vote says that she's talking to me now because she's crying out for what she threw away. Her heart knows what my heart knows... That God had/has an amazing plan...
But... she won't ever admit it.
She'll just keep saying that I'm a good friend and she doesn't want to lose that.
When I'm in a long distant relationship with friends... most of them can vouch for it... it disappears... sure, I love getting to see them again... but it's a different relationship... we're different people...
So you know what, Melanie... I don't want to be your "second choice" when this other fling doesn't work out... I don't want to try hanging around as a friend... it was hard enough to hang around the past year as a lover!!!
LOVE IS A CHOICE!!!!
You can't just fall in love and then when the feeling's gone just find someone else to fall for and ever expect to find a lasting love. But that's what she wants. She wants to have that falling feeling... She wants to "fall hopelessly," in love... Well she's got it... and she'll find she also gets all the hurt that comes with it when she hits the bottom...
All I ever wanted for love was hope... but she seems to want her love to have no hope... She wants it to be hopeless. Pity....

Married couples don't stay together because they're always happy and always feel butterflies... They stay together because they CHOSE to love and CHOSE to make a commitment.
ANY relationship that stays together. LOVE IS A CHOICE, plain and simple.
I'm not saying that it isn't a feeling. I'm simply pointing out that it is first a choice.

If Jessica Alba showed up on my doorstep and wanted to go out with me...
Heck yeah, I'd fall in love... but... there is a choice... Is it what this world calls love (better known to me as LUST) or do I truly lover her...
Will it last???
Do I know her at all? How can I love her??? I don't know her...
So yeah... Love is a feeling... But TRUE love is a choice.

God is love, and the best example of choosing love I can give is His.
God created us, and lets us do whatever we want... And he LOVES us. ALWAYS!!! No questions. But he doesn't force us to love him. He lets us hate him and betray him. He lets us do whatever we want... It is our CHOICE to love him. And God IS love!!! So if you TRULY claim to love someone, then you have two choices...

Either you want them physically, and that's it... or God IS involved.
Because without God there could be no love.

So Melanie... if you truly believe it's love.... then God's involved...
And I guess, in the end, that's why we failed... because 1. You were never ready for God to be involved... and 2. We had nothing physical over this long distance...

So no wonder you don't care about losing me... In either sense of the what the term love might be used for... (God or physical Lust) We didn't have it... so that's why...
Sure... I love you... I want to show you love... The power of Love... I'm not God, and I can't love you the way that God can, but I can show you the love that he put within me...
I would've loved you the way that you had always dreamed... I would have been your knight.
But alas...

Anyway

That's my blog... (good thing she doesn't bother reading it Huh???)
Well who knows... maybe one day she'll realize what she left behind and this will be the only thing she has to tell her what happened...
How stupid will she feel then...
You'll regret this for the rest of your life.
I'm sorry... I really do love you, and that's why I won't talk to you... because I'd say something mean and hateful.
I can only control myself so much before my broken heart explodes out and starts cursing you...

Matthew means "gift from God" and Melanie's truly going to miss her gift...

So... here I go... gone. Done.
As I once wrote in a poem... "fin--Cut, Done, Over, Finished, The End ... Start again..."

Start over from scratch...
I had my heart... my whole life... I was protecting it and saving it from the world to give it to someone who would care for it... and make it better and stronger... Well... Seems I made a mistake...
And now it's gone... because Melanie had it... and then handed it over to her new lover....
And so I have to go back to God... and start building another heart... building another love...
Peace by Piece...

Goodnight. I'm going to go play Zelda now. :-)

LEAVE ME COMMENTS, Okay???
I want to know who's subscribed to my blog and who's reading.
I'm sorry this is a crappy blog... but... It's what I've got...

It's not humanly possible for my to not hate Melanie for what she's done... and even though I know God wants me to love her... I can only hold in my humanity for so long... I'm not perfect... I'm human, trying to be Christ-like... and so... I fail... pretty often, actually.
But that's why God teaches us to forgive, and love.
True love is understanding and forgiving... and at the core; the stripped down center of love... that is ALL that love is: Understanding and Forgiving.

And that is all I have...

Currently playing: Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess Release date: 17 November, 2006

Currently listening: The End Is Here By: Five Iron Frenzy Release date: 20 April, 2004