Well, I've been working on a poem lately, and you get to see the inside details on all of it... (basically because I need some help with it).
Anyway, here are all the notes and rewritings and such (a LOT of repetition here).
It all started with this short poem I wrote recently when I was feeling inspired. A phone call and realizing that I missed lunch, but still paid for it kind of killed my inspiration (I had been really hungry). Anyway, this turned out NOTHING like what I had wanted to write that day. I was very disappointed with it (perfectionist). Before I started working on this poem I went through all my old journals and made a list of the lines I liked, but had never done anything with. That list is as follows:
* We're not out of this yet
* Autumn
* Turn on the light / night
* I've been burried in a dessert
I'm still aching for tears
* I don't know how you got here
But please don't ever leave
* The dream is dead
* "The readiness is all" ~Hamlet
* "That's where I'll be waiting" ~Tinkerbell (from the movie Hook)
* How do you keep face
So far away?
* "Nobody gets out of here alive" ~Dr. Dunkle (my HUM 2233 Prof.)
* Toes that whispered across the void
* Less than, Greater than <> (to explain this, on a grave stone their are two years and a dash to represent all the ones in between. Life is <->.... greater than one point, and less than another. So basically all we have is this moment. Our lives are made up of this - little dash. It also means less than something greater.)
* Where I come from
This is clear intent to murder
* If body sweat were gasoline
* My heart looks whole with spider legs
But every breath I take it breaks
* Digging trenches, raising walls
* Silence is a language long forgotten
* Stop chasing rabbits (basically stop fretting about little things)
* Moon, smile upon me (I have many such lines, and this was just a reminder to think of all of them)
* These moments are temporary
* Of all the things when you're cold
* Deliver us from evil
* Lest we forget
We are dust
Sorry I can't explain where all of those come from, but that would take forever, and this is already going to take a lot of your time. Here's the short poem that I wrote next.
01/27/06 (15:34) No one... I don't know where you've come from But please, don't you ever leave I'm lost inside this desert And I've long been starved of tears Water not for my tongue I desire a cleansing of my cheeks And if the silence is to come Guide it here for I remember the language well Digging trenches, raising walls "The readiness is all" We're not out of this yet Nay! No one gets out of here alive It's all! It's all! This is our autumn Once it be winter 'twill stop our hearts "The readiness is all"
A couple days later, it was the middle of the night, and something hit me. I felt like writing again, and like using an old poem to help me.
This is a poem I wrote last year, but I wanted to use some ideas from it. It's actually parts of this that are messing me up in completing the final version. I can't seem to reword them properly.
02/17/2005 - 02/18/2005
Victoria Rose
Black silk petals
Blood stained thorns
Every new day offers many gifts
So untie the ribbons
Open up to life
Your eyes bleed in the color
Let rest our guards
Open our hearts to share
This gift that has been given us
Victory rose
From the ashes of defeat
I saw the payment
But forgot the memory
Let the assault of a deadly assassin
Help my unbelief
Remember we are dust
Drifting in the wind
Smoke from razing death
Child rise and live again
Look close and listen
For this is me
Biting my tongue until Im bleeding
And Im drowning from the liquid
Building up inside my lungs
Time stands still for raising tides
Water hits, Ill close my eyes
Life will pause as past things die
Sleep will pass as life will rise
I think that now Ive found its time
To break myself of this
My most self-destructing habit
Of holding back my words
Until they cut so deeply into me
That Im left barely breathing
And Im running out of blood for bleeding
Open your eyes
Start growing up inside
Maturitys your lie
Oh, so much like mine
I cant handle this
My veins are running dry
My pen ceases to write
But this place gives me new life
Silk rose petal ribbon
Tying back your hair
Let it down
Lets not disguise
Our mistakes with goodbyes
But instead open our hearts
And let down our guards
Not so open
That the wolves catch our scent
But just enough
To let ourselves in
Walking together
On a cold dark night
Silence all around
But then static in my ears
The sound of rushing water
Oh, so much more than our tears
A spark in the night
The tunnels end is near
Ill hold you tight
Ill keep you warm
Well make it out together
Dont fight your heart
Well hold you tight
Were coming out alive
Alive and together we are one
And now, on to what I wrote Saturday / Sunday night / morning. This is Draft 1. 01/28-29/06 (22:40-05:51) Black silk petals Blood stained thorns I don't know where you've come from But please come from there no more I'm lost inside this desert Where I've long been starved of tears Not for physical satisfaction For I desire the cleansing of my cheeks And if the silence is to come Guide it to me with invitation I remember the language well And have spoke too little as of late Every new day offers many gifts So untie the ribbons and open up to life Let rest our guards Open our hearts to share The gift that has been given us Not so open that the wolves catch our scent But just enough to let ourselves in Victory rose From the ashes of defeat We'd all be dead by now If body sweat were gasoline But doubtful toes whispered And I accepted "less than greater than" "The readiness is all" No one gets out of here alive This is our autumn It's all! It's all! This is our fall When winter does come upon us Our hearts will beat no more Nay! We're just not out of this yet! Look close and listen For this decay is me Biting my tongue until I'm bleeding And I'm drowning in the liquid Building up inside my lungs Time stands still at rising tides Water hits, I'll close my eyes Life will pause as past things die Sleep will pass as light will rise I think that now I've found it's time To break myself of this My most self-destructing habit Of holding back my words Until they cut so deeply into me That I'm left barely breathing And I'm running out of blood for bleeding And of all the things when you're cold Stealing my breath has always been the kindest I changed quite a bit of that for the second draft. Too much of it came from the "Untitled (Victoria Rose)" poem. But my original idea was just to rewrite that poem with new thoughts, so that's why there was so much of it there. So here's Draft 2... which is in short... a reorganization of Draft 1 with added / changed lines here and there. It's not too much different, but I was very excited about it (but it was 6 in the morning... who wouldn't be overly tired and excited about something silly?). Every new day offers many gifts So untie the ribbons and open up to life Let rest our guards Open our hearts to share The gift that has been given us Not so wide That the wolves catch our scent But open enough To let ourselves in Victory rose From the ashes of defeat We'd all be dead by now If body sweat were gasoline Digging trenches, raising walls "The readiness is all" No one gets out of here alive This is our autumn It's all! It's all! This is our fall When winter does come upon us Our hearts will beat no more Nay! We're just not out of this yet! The whispering of doubtful toes Convinced that less was greater than And I did put on a boot so childish As to appear to myself innocent But I've been drowning in the liquid Building up inside my lungs In the search to find a cure The world infected by flapping tongues So look close and listen For this decay is me Biting my tongue until I'm bleeding But of all the things when you're cold Stealing my breath has always been the kindest Time stands still for raising tides Water hits, I'll close my eyes Life will pause as past things die Sleep will pass as light will rise I think that now I've found it's time To break myself of this My most self-destructing habit Of holding back my words Until they cut so deeply into me That I'm left barely breathing And I'm running out of blood for bleeding Blood stained petals And black silk thorns I don't know where you've come from But please come from there no more I'm lost inside this desert Where I've long been starved of tears Not for physical satisfaction For I desire the cleansing of my cheeks And if the silence is to come Guide it to me with invitation I remember the language well And have spoke too little as of late By the time I was starting Draft 3, I had decided to cut out the first verse completely. I also added several things to my list of notes: * "Go away from me, Lord." ~Peter (Luke 5:8) * "Glad you came to my senses, cause I didn't" ~Blindside (I just think this is an awesome line. I didn't plan on trying to use it.) Well, here's what I have for Draft 3. Sorry it's incomplete. This is where I've hit my problem. Digging trenches, raising walls "The readiness is all" No one gets out of here alive This is our autumn It's all! It's all! This is our fall When winter does come Our hearts will beat no more (Nay! We're just not out of it yet) "If body sweat were gasoline" I heard toes whisper hopefully They stole away their carried voice (And I became) Convinced that less was greater than And I did put on a boot so childish As to appear to myself innocent (Oh God, go thou away from me I am the sinfullest of men) (Yeah, yeah, I know it's not a word!) ... And here's where I've run into a dead end. I need to figure out what message I am trying to get across with this poem, and then structure it to express my view. The last verse, that I know will not change (except for maybe a couple words), expresses the view that I want to speak the language of silence because I've spoken too little (of silence) recently. So basically it's saying that I've spoken too much and need to be quiet. This idea contradicts with the two verses I long to use. The verses about biting my tongue, and holding myself back from speaking. But if I include those, I will have a contradicting message. So I'm trying to figure out a way to combine them without butchering them. More to come. "Your Face Here" upon my heart with love (love - a feeling expressing that I will die for you if you have read this far) Matthew (Mahi) Shane | Currently listening :
Hey, I'm a Ghost
By Sullivan
Release date: By 24 January, 2006 |
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