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Current mood: disappointed
Category: Writing and Poetry
"Well it's obviously video games...."
(That was a terribly sarcastic response, but I think I have that right. If you read this, you don't know everything that I go through in my life, and I appreciate that you care for me and all, but missing a few weeks of church isn't killing me. I'm sorry, but that question hurt. You have no idea how badly I wanted to be there this past Sunday, and no idea how glad I am that I wasn't there... now that it has passed. It may have been a really good message... but what good is it if we're "just reading the lines they gave me from the pulpit.")
Dead Poetic ~ "Glass In The Trees"
"When the time that's wasted comes back to haunt me
And I'll deserve every bit, because I'm not spiritual yet.
I'm just reading the lines they gave me from the pulpit."
Here are some thoughts I've taken from a letter I wrote to a friend last night.
I feel sick lately, like I can't explain. I feel like throwing up, but the words just won't come out. I want to pour myself onto the page, but I can't seem to open my heart. I seem to have locked myself away like I was locked away before I moved to Jacksonville.
I feel abandoned, but not by God. I feel like I've abandoned myself, actually.
Ghost
"Hey, I'm a Ghost" (Sullivan's CD)
Taking Back Sunday ~ "'What's it feel like to be a ghost?'" Louder, say it louder now... 'What's it feel like to be a ghost?'"
Lovedrug ~ "Your friends, now ghosts, are screaming."
5/26/06 (04:35)
Run like Hell!
You'll need a good head start for this one
Run like Hell...
Is burning up beneath your feet
Run like Hell!
You're fighting demons fighting angels
Run like Hell...
Is closing its gates while you're still on your way out
06/05/06 (05:36)
It's funny to find yourself as you're speeding to reach the place you ought to be, but you are not simply late to this meeting, you have missed it completely.
Perhaps showing your face at the exit as the preacher passes gives the appearance that you were on time and attentive.
Who knows why we speed to the empty church lot after all the meeters have gone to lunch.
This next grouping of words is a bit.... revealing. Not just a bit, a lot. It has the simple ability to completely change the way you think about me, so if you read, you have been warned. I was only offering the truth.
06/05/06 (05:37)
Before you are young and immature,
You are born
When you are old,
You die.
I find myself approaching death,
But not nearly the end of me.
"Not just another teenage boy"
I tried to make myself out to be
But I've been just like all the others before.
There was nothing about me that surpassed the air of mediocrity.
In a short time,
I will never be a teen again
And the legacy that I left behind was one of ...
Selfishness, Greed, Lust.....
(Call it a drifting in faithless ungodliness if you like.)
So, I didn't "sleep around"
That doesn't mean I really am "Not just another"
I wanted to.
Physically touching a woman.
Such a curious connection.
I was in a deadly situation once.
Had it not been for a foolish dream,
Tribute to a fallen friend.
I would have kissed her and lost control.
I was laying on her bedroom floor,
Her parents were out of town.
Left with the empty house
I didn't realize until I didn't know how to leave.
Somehow...
She was sitting on my hips
The thought brings dragonflies to my stomach even now
Not to be confused with butterflies.
No, the air in my stomach fluttered, and I wasn't sure what to do,
But my heart was heavy with colors that aren't beautiful
Red, Yellow, Blue.....
I held her hands
And brought her face close to mine...
I so wanted to kiss her
Not out of love
I just wanted to kiss...
Anyone...
But I held onto that dream
Stolen from a friend who failed to keep his promises
I save that first kiss still
For the altar...
But oh, I can't explain how deadly it is.
I can't explain how dangerous
The touch
But I am not "Not just another."
I am no more or less than any other
Had it not been for an undead friend
And the foolish dream I hold dear for him
Had it not been for a desire to save the first kiss for last
Our clothes would have left our skins
And her brother's entrance would not have allowed for my escape.
Had it not been for childish things like dreams
His intrusion would have been nothing but encouragement
"Use a condom" was all he had to say.
Something his younger sister had seemingly randomly provided when I had arrived,
Unaware of the guidance-less state of the house.
But I had made a promise to keep a promise broken,
And I fled
It was two in the morning before I was home
But I didn't care.
I would explain everything.
Because I fled
It wasn't too late
I fled
And guided by angels
I made it to my borrowed home
I was a nervous wreck
Oh how to explain...???
But I was home in that borrowed place
And I am nothing but another...
Sleazy, Shameless, Selfish.........
Corpse of a teenage boy...
But soon enough...
I'll be dead forever.
So.... is that how well you know me?
Is that the faith you have in me?
"Who is your god?"
My God is a God who gave me innocence when I was guilty...
My God is a God who gave me a friend... who made a promise to save his first kiss for the altar. "What an idea" I thought. "I want to do that....."
My God is a God who allowed this friend to decide he was gay
My God is a God who gave me the strength to love him with tears in my heartbroken eyes.
My God is a God who gave me naivety when I was so knowledgeable
My God is a God who doesn't require that I appear at every church meeting
My God is a God who loves me....
"How dare I call this love... and not bare my cross to the end
How dare I!
And how can I call this love
When all that I am
Is because
Your love endures...
...
My back to it.
Your love endures......"
If the God I love isn't your God, please, let me know. I'd know where you stand.
But don't ask me who my God is. My God has pulled me out of situations so ....
Don't you dare ask...
I understand it was an attempt to keep me in line. I miss a lot of church... I do. But I have nothing in my life worth living for without my God, and that includes church. Don't tell me I'm falling away from God because I sleep through a couple church services because I was up all night... playing video games or writing a letter, or simply staring at the ceiling thinking.
Don't you dare judge the way I worship.
So it's not like you, with my hands raised, standing on a platform for all to see.
Is it so wrong that I seek a quiet, dark corner... where I can't see anyone.
Where I have no distractions.
Don't ask who my god is when I don't seek him the same way you do.
I respect your advice, and I value your council....
But don't look down on me.
You have no write to look down on me whether I'm just another teenage boy or not.
You have no place to judge unless you walk every moment of your life in my shoes.
"Your Face Here" upon my heart with love
Matthew Shane Eskuchen
Just another teenage boy
 | Currently listening :
Pretend You're Alive
By Lovedrug
Release date: By 27 July, 2004 |
4 Comments - 6 Kudos
quig the joker
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