I know my last blog lost focus. The ONLY thing I was supposed to post was this long grouping of words, but then I went off on a friend. If you read the last blog, you could probably see many contradictions in what I was saying... one second greatly respecting my friend, and the next second I was insulting the council that I so greatly respect. Well, this is what I wanted to have said. This is what I wanted to be seen. You know how you forget things that you don't want to remember? You don't let yourself remember something you did that was stupid or embarrassing... Well, remembering those moments can really help you. It can really lighten your load to accept that those things happened, and then move on, rather than trying to push out the memories and claim that it never happened. Embracing my mistakes has given much of the very little strength that I have. This next grouping of words is a bit.... revealing. Not just a bit, a lot. It has the simple ability to completely change the way you think about me. I am only offering the truth. This is not a poem. It is... simply not complete sentences. It is just... as it is. It just came out in these bursts of memories and thoughts, and that's how it is best communicated.
06/05/06 (05:37) Before you are young and immature, You are born When you are old, You die. I find myself approaching death, But not nearly the end of me. "Not just another teenage boy" I tried to make myself out to be But I've been just like all the others before. There was nothing about me that surpassed the air of mediocrity. In a short time, I will never be a teen again And the legacy that I left behind was one of ... Selfishness, Greed, Lust..... (Call it a drifting in faithless ungodliness if you like.) So, I didn't "sleep around" That doesn't mean I really am "Not just another" I wanted to. Physically touching a woman. Such a curious connection. I was in a deadly situation once. Had it not been for a foolish dream, Tribute to a fallen friend. I would have kissed her and lost control. I was laying on her bedroom floor, Her parents were out of town. Left with the empty house I didn't realize until I didn't know how to leave. Somehow... She was sitting on my hips The thought brings dragonflies to my stomach even now Not to be confused with butterflies. No, the air in my stomach fluttered, and I wasn't sure what to do, But my heart was heavy with colors that aren't beautiful Red, Yellow, Blue..... I held her hands And brought her face close to mine... I so wanted to kiss her Not out of love I just wanted to kiss... Anyone... But I held onto that dream Stolen from a friend who failed to keep his promises I save that first kiss still For the altar... But oh, I can't explain how deadly it is. I can't explain how dangerous The touch But I am not "Not just another." I am no more or less than any other Had it not been for an undead friend And the foolish dream I hold dear for him Had it not been for a desire to save the first kiss for last Our clothes would have left our skins And her brother's entrance would not have allowed for my escape. Had it not been for childish things like dreams His intrusion would have been nothing but encouragement "Use a condom" was all he had to say. Something his younger sister had seemingly randomly provided when I had arrived, Unaware of the guidance-less state of the house. But I had made a promise to keep a promise broken, And I fled It was two in the morning before I was home But I didn't care. I would explain everything. Because I fled It wasn't too late I fled And guided by angels I made it to my borrowed home I was a nervous wreck Oh how to explain...??? But I was home in that borrowed place And I am nothing but another... Sleazy, Shameless, Selfish......... Corpse of a teenage boy... But soon enough... I'll be dead forever.
Here are just a couple other things from that blog that I also wanted to post before I started typing all the extra stuff.
06/05/06 (05:36) It's funny to find yourself as you're speeding to reach the place you ought to be, but you are not simply late to this meeting, you have missed it completely. Perhaps showing your face at the exit as the preacher passes gives the appearance that you were on time and attentive. Who knows why we speed to the empty church lot after all the meeters have gone to lunch.
5/26/06 (04:35) Run like Hell! You'll need a good head start for this one Run like Hell... Is burning up beneath your feet Run like Hell! Your fighting demons fighting angels Run like Hell... Is closing its gates while you're still on your way out I feel sick lately, like I can't explain. I feel like throwing up, but the words just won't come out. I want to pour myself onto the page, but I can't seem to open my heart. I feel abandoned, but not by God.
Ghost
"Hey, I'm a Ghost" (Sullivan's CD)
Taking Back Sunday ~ "'What's it feel like to be a ghost?' Louder, say it louder now... 'What's it feel like to be a ghost?'"
Lovedrug ~ "Your friends, now ghosts, are screaming."
Well, that's it, I'm exhausted and I'm off to get some rest. "Your Face Here" Matthew Shane
 | Currently listening :
The Best Worst-Case Scenario
By Fair
Release date: By 06 June, 2006 |
2 Comments - 4 Kudos
 | ~Crystal~
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| elyse
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