I've wanted to blog each, but I don't like posting a bunch of small pointless blogs. So here I'll post one medium sized, slightly pointless blog.
First... I keep thinking...
My friend Lauren is getting Married... I was so surprised!!! I'm happy for her. It's just funny thinking that we're old enough for that... I mean, I've dreamed of being married for as long as I can remember. But now it's getting to the point where my friends are actually getting married... It's just a shock. My friend Amanda is in a steady going relationship... I'm happy for her too.
I thought I had that relationship. The serious one that was leading to marriage... I keep wondering if Melanie's okay. I keep thinking of when we met, and when we dated... When I sit and think about it, she really did hurt me. Usually, I just kind of laugh it off... it's been so long ago, truly. I think it's like hitting your funny bone.
So I guess my heart has a funny bone too...
I keep thinking of clever little one liners for poems, or just a couple lines, but I haven't really written too many full poems lately.
Sometimes... Well... Anyway. I'm thinking lately, that... Well, I don't want to be single, but the people I'm interested in are either... Well, there's one girl, but she's in a relationship... So I won't even go there... I've been that stupid before, and I'm not doing it again. Then there's another girl... She's... well... I suppose there's nothing wrong with being attracted to her, but I just... Maybe I... You know how you just have that feeling that if you wait, something will pass by? Well, I just feel like I don't know her all that well, and it seems she still has some growing up to do (but then, don't we all?). It's weird being interested in someone younger than you are. I feel... I mean, she's 4(ish) years younger than me... but still, I feel awkward about that. I don't know... And then... Well, you'd figure a church would be a great place to meet a girl, well... I think-- not so much! Sure, they're all nice and fun and beautiful. But there are... I don't know how to put it. I mean I'm at church for God... If a girl there catches my eye... is that bad??? How does that work? {I think of mewithoutYou-- "(Besides, how else could I confess? When I looked down like if to pray, well I was looking down her dress...) Good God, Please! Catch for us the foxes in the vineyard"} Not that that's what I'm doing... but I still feel like there's something wrong about meeting a girl in church... Like... "Catch for us the foxes... that ruin our vineyards... our vineyards that are in bloom." I'm there for God. So if something just happens... it happens, but I shouldn't be looking for it, or trying to help it along... right?
There seem to be so many unwritten rules... but maybe these rules I keep thinking aren't really there... I don't know. Do you?
I'm really glad to be getting back to church. I'd really hate to mess it up by... messing up again (mutter: "stupid melanie"). I like having God as my focus.
WOMEN!!!! (who needs 'em?)
Well... I guess the last thing I've been thinking about is this party...
I guess all I can say is I hope people come. I guess it's rather selfish of me to think "What if these people come, but not those?" To prefer some people being there over others...???
But isn't that natural... Wanting your closest friends to be there, but kind of worrying that it will just be a bunch of people you don't really know too well...
Ehh... I'm not going to worry about it.
That's what I've been telling myself. Each time I wanted to post one of these blogs... I'm not going to worry about it.
I did write something this morning. It's not really what I wrote that mattered, but what I was thinking.
Because I was thinking: I've been writing poetry for a while... nearly six years now, I guess. Well, what have I really been though in those six years? Up until just recently, I haven't really known any real pain, have I? But after being hit by the pain, all my views and writings changed. I'm not so depressed about things now... I'm always smiling. I don't let myself get depressed now... or at least I try not to. But why?
What's so different from now and then?
Why is it that now that I've felt pain that I can't write about it?
That's all.
Matthew Shane E.
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1 comment:
I'm glad your back in Church again too! We need to get Bible Studies going again!!!!!!
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