I've been feeling this way about time. I spent the weekend before last in Jacksonville with my second family, and it felt like I was there for about a week and a half. But I was enjoying it and having a grand time. :-) I'm glad it felt like so long.
But then, being back, I don't really have any close friends that I can talk to or hang out with, and time just seems to pass so slowly. It's sad to look back and think that I enjoyed talking to Melanie, and then Jessica, simply because it was someone to talk to. :-(
Well, I guess this slow down in time is due to my thoughts lately. Trapped all alone with them, and not sure who to tell about them, or even how to tell them. :-/
I've been thinking about love... And... I have a desire in my heart to love someone. I've wanted all my life to love someone. Marriage is something I've always hoped for. But, I no longer have any desire for marriage. Or even a relationship. I feel like... It's all just a game, and I've grown tired of it. I don't want to be alone, and I have this love within me that I want to share, but... I don't even know how to explain it... It's like... I don't want to share it. Like I feel like no one deserves it. I feel like girls are all so selfish, and... I've just stopped caring, I guess. I'm just... Done...
And I've been thinking about me, and I realized that the girl that I've always hoped for... The girl of my dreams... Is... The whole idea is completely contradictory... I want to meet a godly woman who's as innocent and (I don't want to say stupid... But...) Unknowledgable??... (is that a word?)
Inexperienced... As inexperienced as I am. But then, I also want to be that knight in shining armor. I want to rescue her.
That's when I realized that... When I watch people... The girls I always like, are... They're always troubled. They have a jerk boyfriend who they can't stop loving, or they're into this or that... They don't want love, they just want sex with no attachments...
I want to be able to show them that they're so much more... I want to show them the beauty that I see.
But where am I going to find an innocent girl who is, at the same time... Deeply troubled...? So anyway... I just... The desire just went away. I still want to love someone, but my dreams... I don't know what dream to chase, so I just lost interest, I guess.
So... I think that's the best I can explain it... I don't want to be with anyone, but I don't want to be alone, either.
Anyway, the silence, and the weight of the thoughts seems to be slowing down time. I think it's depressing to lose interest in something you've dreamed of your whole life. But I think I'm so used to the feeling lately that I don't even feel depressed... I just feel like life is moving very slowly. I don't know... Moving on to more important things.
I rode my bike a couple miles today. About 3.5 to get to a friend's house. I bought a helmet just for the trip today, because I had ridden most of it last week, but didn't go all the way because this one highway is pretty busy, and I was worried riding on it even with the helmet. It was fun, but I still wish we had some bike lanes out here.
My computer is gradually dying, which is why I use my phone to type this. But even my phone isn't without it's glitches. Bah!!! Technology...
It never works the way we think it should... Makes me think of love.
Well, before I go, I wanted to share a poem. I wrote it a couple weeks ago, and when I was in Jacksonville, I read it to a friend who is kind of like a mother to me, and in reading it, I noticed how much I really loved it, even though it just seemed like "useless rambling" at the time I wrote it. I love that about writing--you go back to it and it reads entirely different than when you wrote it. :-)
I read it to her first without the first line, because I originally wrote it without the first line...
I asked him for his help
But he still persistently insisted
"My mind just isn't what it used to be"
Outside these padded walls
I used to be something
My words were artistic
And my thoughts were poetry
But now it's just become a useless rambling
Then, I read it to her with the new first line, and I noticed how much adding that first line did for it. :-) It would be useless rambling without this line.
04/15/08 (20:05)
I locked eyes with a man in the mirror
I asked him for his help
But he still persistently insisted
"My mind just isn't what it used to be"
Outside these padded walls
I used to be something
My words were artistic
And my thoughts were poetry
But now it's just become a useless rambling
Much love to you all! :-)
Matthew Shane E.
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