{sitting in draft since 2015}

(This post has been sitting unpublished for five years because I didn't like the last couple lines of the poem. I had manually set the "Published on" time for the draft to 2016-03-20 at 0052. Perhaps it's time I let go of that past and share.)

I had a thought that resulted in combining two recent poems into one and adding a single line; the new title.

Unmarked Graves 2015-08-20 (0032)

What did you expect?
To pick up as if you'd never left?
This life moves on
There is no going back
The only glimpse you'll have
A snapshot in a photograph

Years of silence
I haven't written a thing
How amazing!
This wonder of expressing

Well I've been practicin' silence
Such a long time - practicin' silence
That it's so clear in my head
Every word that you said
(Well, that's every word you spoke in my head)

A simple memory
Brought it all back to me
All the moments
I can't see so clearly
Struggle and pain
Slowly weakening
A phoenix
Erupting into flame

"What did you expect of me?
That I'd just be here waiting?
This life moves on
As if it never happened
The only evidence (a historical record)
A faulty camera in your mind (What is a memory?)"

Such a long time coming my way
And I've been practicin' silence
Long enough to adapt to the sirens
Now the sounds ring
Loud in my head
It was all in my head
(Only ever in my head)
A skipping record
Left on repeat these six long years
And I've been lying in silence
I've been mastering the craft
An expert in the art
Of leaving truths unsaid
Lying in unmarked graves

And I've been practicing silence
Silently reciting all the thoughts I've never said
And I say I've been practicing silence
But in truth I've been practicing lies instead
Every love I never expressed for you
(A lie when it comes right down to the truth)




2020-08-31 (as I'm posting this)
Interesting [thinking introspectively]. I was uncomfortable with the last couple lines of this poem, and that's why I never posted it. In changing those few lines just now, I was looking back on my original document and found notes explaining what inspired this. I honestly don't remember any of this story of unmarked graves.

Here's what I wrote about this poem in 2015:

"An idea I had while listening to something by Arcade Fire (a concert of theirs on YouTube). Some song about soldiers. The imagery in my head from what I thought I heard them singing was that of Jews fleeing the Nazis in the woods.

"I had this image of being on the run and hiding in unmarked graves (althought I'm not sure if they actually said unmarked graves in the song or if that's just what I heard).

"Then thoughts came to mind of the idea I had written about in Practicing Silence. Combining the two ideas together brought me to the thought of not being myself. Hiding in an unmarked grave while waiting for my life to begin. Or waiting for a past life to come around again."

I have more personal notes there that I'm not comfortable sharing with the world, but it's certainly a millstone for me to carry. I ended my notes with this:

"This is the first I've ever written (or spoken) about these feelings in this way. I've never expressed [...] to anyone, or anywhere except in my head. Thus the importance of tying this unmarked graves idea to the thoughts behind Practicing Silence. Practicing Silence was also somewhat tied to the thoughts behind Years of Silence. Another idea with a similar theme that just didn't come out the same.

"I have a lot of difficulty speaking or even writing openly on this topic. So my first attempt cryptically tried to change the topic to not really seem that it was about what I truly wanted to say."

Had I posted this in 2015 when I wrote it, it would be right next to the referenced Years of Silence poem, which was in the blog post entitled "An Eternity (or A year and a half, in retrospect)".

There's no taking it back now.