OenletHeo

OenletHeo
20090710 (00:04)

A line to start
Because I've got so much to say
But I can't think of any words to use
It's all been said before!
Seven letters in
And I'm still unsure of the words
It's nothing I'm surprised about
Silence is such an awfully simple sound
And I know I have said it all before

Troubled

Well, I was thinking a little while ago that I wasn't going to blog today, after all. I was tired and trying to get to sleep and really didn't have much to say. But then I found there was too much on my mind to sleep and so I prayed and then got up to talk to a friend. And so this blog is for her. She's studying, and so to save her from interruptions, I decide I'd write this, and then I wouldn't be disturbing her but I'd be clearing my mind.

I guess it's times when my mind is troubled that I start thinking about mistakes I've made.

One person always comes to mind and it's nice to know it's not who you'd expect.

She comes to mind for two reasons... And I can't exactly just state those reasons. They go hand in hand. She's that best friend whom I always wish to talk to when I'm troubled and it seems that some mistakes I've made have actually been talking to her.

Not to say that it was bad to talk to her, I just know that I've spoken with her and what I had to say concerning my mistakes threw her for an emotional loop. She's told me that she was glad that I spoke with her, but it just caught her off guard and she didn't know how to handle it.

So I guess after explaining that I can state my two reasons as first, she's the first person I always think to call and I can confide in her when I'm troubled, and second, she is one of those mistakes that I've made, and yet she still does her best to be there for me.

There's a part of me that really wishes I didn't have feelings for her. I know she knows that I have feelings for her, but I hate for her to be burdened with it, if that makes sense. She just seems to smile and say "that's what friends are for."

I say seems because I've never actually seen her response, and I actually haven't seen her period for nearly a year. I just assume that that's her reaction. She's the soft smile type of person.

Another reason I wish I didn't have feelings for her is because whenever I meet a girl... No matter how interested or hopeful I am, there always seems to be a part of me holding out, hoping for a miracle to work out with my friend.
I could never deserve her. But she knows all my mistakes and flaws... And she still loves me (as a friend). I think she thinks of me more as a big brother, anyway.

She's always encouraging me though. Telling me about the girl that God is raising for me in His time. I'm always wishing that it could be her... And I feel like that's wrong of me. I don't deserve her.

I guess I wait. I don't need to be worrying about it now anyway. I have other priorities now. And as the Bible says, we can't serve two masters. So I need to keep my focus forward now so that I can focus on a "her" in the future and take good care of her.

I really need to get to sleep. I have to be up and headed out of the room by 0400.

I've been listening to a couple cds pretty regularly in this time before leaving.
mewithoutYou's Brother, Sister and Catch For Us The Foxes, but less than Brother, Sister.
Jonezetta's Cruel To Be Young
As Cities Burn's new cd Hell or High Water.

And don't forget to pick up and enjoy mewithoutYou's new cd "It's all Crazy! It's all False! It's all a Dream! It's Alright." You have to pick it up for me on May 19 since I'll be in Basic Training (assuming I wake up in the morning). So you have to promise to get it and enjoy it for me. Okay?!

Goodbye for now.

Picture

Picture
20090422 (20:40)

I write a thousand words, a thousand words
Just tryin' to find
Just tryin' to find you
This is me when I am blind
And I'm just tryin' to
Tryin' to find
Slowly seized by fear
The sea and the land are drawing near
This is it for
Is it for us
We are Disasters

Stranded all alone
I just wanna get away
I'm going home
Don't you see that this is it for
Is it for us
We are Disasters!

I never, never ran, ran for cover from the rain
I only, only ever, ever let my spirits soar
If this was, this was never, never going to end
Then it shouldn't shouldn't be crashing

I wrote a thousand words, a thousand words
Just tryin' to, tryin' to reach you
But you were never
You were never there
And this is me without my eyes
Just tryin' to, tryin' to reach...
Slowly gripped by terror with the ocean down
The shore is just around the corner now
Slowly, slowly gripped by terror
The ocean just around the corner
And this is it for, this is it for
Is it for you
We are Disasters!

I never, never ran for cover from the rain
I only ever saw you in the softest, softest light
I remember every, every time I write a thousand words
I could only never, never find

This is it for
Is it for us
This is it for
Is it for

Write a thousand words
Write a thousand words
(Three diverge to four)
Right a thousand words
Right a thousand words
(Two are merging to one)
Ev'rything's just addition
Ev'rything's just addition
And in it all I'm a subtraction

Write a thousand words!
This is it for, is...
I never, never ran, ran for cover!
Now it's time for you to understand
I wrote a thousand words, a thousand words
And everything is, everything is always, always faded here
And so I'm gone
Gone
Gone
This is blame and I am
Gone
Gone
Gone
We are still disasters.




Technically... it's only 342 words, but I wasn't speaking literally about writing 1000 words. I thought about it though. It would've been a nice touch of irony.
I can't exactly explain what it's about.
I can, I guess.
The girl I mentioned who was ignoring me last weekend. Well she ignored me this weekend too. Then I dropped a book and a cd off at her house as a gift because I honestly didn't expect to see her again before I left for the Air Force. Later that night I finally heard from her. She said thank you.
After very little conversation that night and the next morning, the last thing I heard from her was basically saying that She said what it was in the beginning and that since I wasn't going to keep it that way, she distanced herself from me.

So, rather than fighting with her about the fact that it's all my fault and she didn't make any mistakes, lead me on, or allow me to believe that we were actually working together and looking forward to something that we couldn't see or comprehend yet, I just haven't spoken to her since.
I can't say I have no desire to speak with her, because that's a lie...
But I'm not going to speak with her.

I'm in a very bad mood lately.
I care about very little.
Mainly, I care about finding a way to see the Webbs before I leave, and leaving itself. A few other things, or people on my mind are two Amandas-One a "Marie" and the other a "Kay," Josiah, and leaving.
Yes, I just want to leave.
This poem is not about being in the Air Force and wanting to leave and come home. The line saying "I'm going home" is actually referring to how I want out of where I am and I want to find MY home.

Anyway, take it anyway you'd like.

I'll probably write one more blog on my way up to MEPS Monday and that'll be all you get.
Not that there are very many of you reading my crappy drama anyway.
Hopefully I'll get back to writing more poetry and less stupid stories about how some amazing girl finds a way to hurt me.
I was really excited about this one... She seemed... We seemed to go so well together when we weren't quarreling over something stupid. And the way we apologized and forgave each other for the stupid fights was amazing too. It really seemed... She... I was really excited about it.

But now I'm really excited about this poem and leaving.