2022-08-26 (21:23)
While this can be read without context, I find the context very interesting. I will include some footnotes explaining quotes and the events surrounding the writing of this poem.
As I often do, I've blacked out the formatting on some words to show that I wrote them and then crossed them out on paper. The thought was important, even though I ultimately decided to remove the words.
Cancer (A Poem)
I am the cancer (0)
Unwelcome in this world
Where you advertise your life (1)
But run in fear when I say "Hi"
As we pass by on the streets
So dark and dangerous"We can't help you" (2)
"I don't know you" (3)
Well, I can't argue that
What a Love we show
In this world devoured by fear
What a Light we shine
Welcome smiles on Sunday morning
But can't say "Hi" as we we can't pass as neighbors
"What a cunning foe we've met" (4)
Where I am the cancer
Unwelcome
Eating away at the world outside your halls
Build your walls
Cower within
Oh, the Light we shine
Safe in our seaside tower
Explain this dis-ease in my chest
Where Love is the Cancer
Consuming all the darkness
... But unless we die to love (5)
I am the Cancer
I am the Cancer
And for me there is no cure
"Become like us" (6)
As they cower in fear
I am not welcome
"Become like us"
I'm not welcome here
I am dis-ease
I am the rot
Devouring flesh and bone
I am disease
I am the cancer
Rush along home...
Setting the scene, the references:
(0) First off, my wife has a rare cancer that has no cure. What do you think it says of me that I'd write a poem referencing myself as a cancer, when cancer is literally threatening my wife's life? Just a thought.
(1) "you advertise your life" is used here in reference to an influencer or minor celebrity such as a blogger, podcaster or YouTuber, which the family in reference 2, dabbles in.
(2) "We can't help you." This event was the primary catalyst and inspiration for writing this poem. We were driving home in our neighborhood and the windows were down because it was nice out. It was dusk and beginning to get dark. My wife was driving and I was in the passenger seat. We saw a family from church out walking their dog (mom and dad with their son and daughter, both under 10yo). I didn't recognize who they were until we were passing them and I began to say "hey! it's... [name]". My wife, not realizing what I was saying, stopped the van suddenly as the family was about even with our rear bumper. I popped my head out of the window and looked back to say "Hi" but the father had hurriedly gathered the kids and his wife and turned to rush back the other direction as he called out to us "We can't help you."
Note, after writing this poem. They laughed about it when my wife messaged them later, but I didn't find it very funny. I wrote this poem to express the unwelcome feeling I get in this life, as though I am a threat, or perhaps, perceived as a fan/paparazzi who recognized them from their online presence (as indicated at reference 1).
(3) "I don't know you." This line better fit the poem and communicates the message that "I need to protect my family," rather than the reference 2 quote I crossed out. This quote is from the pastor at church who recently shared a message titled Praying for Wisdom at All Cost. The key points of the message were 2 kinds of Wisdom, 2 kinds of Fear, and 2 kinds of Trembling. At the end of the message he used Matthew 7:21 to demonstrate how we may claim to know God, but God may not know us. To demonstrate his point he told the story of a man who had read about their orphanage and seen him (the pastor) on TV. This man wanted to visit the orphanage and claimed to "know him" (the pastor). The pastor had to turn the man away saying "You may know me, but I don't know you."
Here's the message:
(4) "What a cunning foe we've met" is a quote from the song We are the Archers by the band Oh, Sleeper. In the song, it is used in the context of betraying oneself to temptations (I think). I'm using it to express how the world has made us fearful by tricking us into believing we are gods (reference 5). When we have faith, and reverent fear placed in God, we shouldn't fear anything worldly, even for the safety of our family (as was also mentioned in the sermon above).
(5) "... But unless we die to love" This is an insanely subtle nod to the title of the Oh, Sleeper album "When I Am God". The title comes from a line in the song Vices Like Vipers that says "When I am God this church is unsound." I nod at this concept in the usage of dying to Love (God), except in this instance, I use the lower case love to represents myself as a false god (simultaneously the cancer). The line is meant to parallel the more prominent expression that "I am the cancer." It's ultimately meant to have a redemptive quality in the biblical concept of dying to self. If I don't die to self and allow God to eat away the darkness, then I am the cancer.
(6) "Become like us" is a quote from the band Project 86. The song Salem's Suburbs explores the idea of group identity and the consequences that result: "As they pounded in the stake, I thought I heard them say 'Become like us or you will be slain'"
Perhaps I should note that both the album "When I Am God" by Oh, Sleeper, as well as the "Truthless Heroes" album by Project 86 are concept albums that tell the journey of characters across the tracks of each album. So, reading only one song could be like reading a chapter in the middle of a book without the context of the rest of the story.
Update 2024-07-28
Yesterday, I looked this poem up to share with a friend (surprisingly, someone I "know" through YouTube videos, but honestly don't know). Today, our pastor spoke about the idea that God is love, which was the part of this poem that had the most meaning to me as I was reading it yesterday.
Admittedly, the feelings behind this poem are more aggressive and less loving than I'd like.
