The Right, Wrong Answer

 So, I just watched a video, which I thought was outstanding, until I wanted to comment and find an answer to a problem. The only problem with my comment was that it opened up other problems and would probably upset people. So I'll post it here where it's less likely to offend someone (or ever be seen at all).

Here's the video by Cinema Therapy: Therapist Reacts to Implicit Bias in ZOOTOPIA

My issue was with the "articulate fella'" compliments. I've been guilty of saying such things myself and I wanted my comment to express my concern of what should I say (if anything) in those types of situations? What my comment ended up saying was "I understand how you're offended, but do you see how that offends me?" and I've already been here all night going back and forth with the logic of "I see how you can see that, but can you see how I meant it?" and it's driving me nuts. This is what's kills me about whatever this is, "woke" culture or "cancel" culture. I don't know what it is, but these days we're expected to treat everyone equally, but equally based on what? I can't treat one person or party one way without offending another, and I'm so tired of feeling like I'm walking on eggshells because you've established the standard that I'm not allowed to offend you or anyone else! That's the issue I want an answer to. Can we all just agree to not be offended? Or does that offend someone? (of course it does!)

So here's my rambling comment that will not be posted on the video itself: 

Okay, to flip this away from race, because I've been guilty of "articulate fella'" comments, and I don't want to dig myself into that hole, but I do want to delve into how to fix it. So to look at a similar problem from a different perspective, I was recently thinking about how to encourage my daughter with school as she grows. I grew up with the typical A-F and 100 points or less grading scales. My daughter's elementary report cards now simply say "Meets", "Approaching", or "Below" the standard (MS, AS, BS)... (on a side note... that grade is BS!). Back on track, because this is serious, and I hope you'll see my comparison here in a second. I was thinking about when I was a kid, I had friends who would get monetary rewards for an A or B on their report cards, so I told my mom, because I wanted a reward too. But here's the problem, some of my friends usually had Cs, and had to work really hard for those Bs and As. I almost always had As. So I could easily get the same reward, but it doesn't mean the same thing.

Let's change the situation and reward a bit and say my daughter always gets MS, but my son always gets AS. How do I express the same love to both children when I get very excited that my son got an MS, but for my daughter, MS is just par for the course and I still love her the same? Do you see where I'm going with this and how it ties back to the "articulate fella'" type "compliments"? Am I wrong for getting excited that my son got an MS? Is it just as wrong as being excited to meet "a real articulate fella'" when I expected they wouldn't be? Do I love my daughter less because she can't exceed an established standard but love my son more because he can exceed his standard?

I know that problem is fairly straight forward, but do you see the hidden problem (and the hole I didn't want to dig myself into)?

I'll call it the "I'm offended that you're offended" problem.

Let's say I reward my son for his hard work and give him $5. Then I also reward my daughter with $5 because she did well too. Is it right for my son to be offended that his sister got the same reward even though she might not have had to work as hard? Is it right for my daughter to be offended that her brother got the same reward when she could have done better if the standard allowed for a "better" rating? Now with both of them offended, am I not allowed to be offended that they are offended by my reward?

I know this is a little bit different than biased complements, but this is the problem, and I'm not sure there is ever a right answer. If a person can mow a lawn in 45 minutes, do they deserve more/less/the same pay as a person who takes 60 minutes? Say one is a person of color, one is a woman, one is tall, weak, strong, fast, slow... How do we treat people equally? If you're offended at me because you think I'm treating you unequally, can I be offended right back because I did my best to be fair?

How do I encourage my daughter and son to strive for excellence equally when excellence is different for each? How do I avoid instilling a bias that my daughter "outshines" other kids at school (or at home) because she always "meets the standard"? Is the reward the problem? Is the standard? We are all different. I can't tell my son to "be smarter" or "more articulate" any more than I can tell my daughter to "be less smart" or "less articulate."

So how do we compliment and encourage desirable traits and behaviors without discouraging based on stereotypes and biases? Who establishes desirable traits and behaviors? 

So, going off now on a tangent and rant that will get me in trouble...

Typically, it seems the little person (minority) is offended that they were stepped on by the bigger person (majority), and it is generally perceived that the bigger should apologize because they've hurt the smaller. Normally, I would completely agree, and politely apologize saying "I'm sorry I didn't see you there and bumped into you and accidentally stepped on you." But when the smaller comes in accusing the bigger of "consuming more resources" or "taking up more space" or "you breathe more air" or whatever the offense of the week is, how long will the bigger keep giving ground and apologizing? 

I'm not trying to be hateful, I'm just trying to express my frustration that the offended party is so insistent on changing the party that offended them. There are a lot of changes that I agree, make sense, but others are extreme and unnecessary, but just the fact that I say that, offends someone and it has to be fixed.

It's like a cylinder being offended that a cube is square and symmetrical. Maybe all the doors are rectangles because that's the most accommodating shape to both cylinders and cubes of most sizes, but then some of the cylinders insist the doors be made into circles to match their shape. Then the doors have to be made huge so that cubes can fit through. Maybe a cylinder was offended because someone assumed it was a cylinder because it had a rounded edge. Perhaps it is the same height as it is wide and fancies itself a rounded cube.

A big one for me, being raised in private schools, was always science. Wikipedia Article: Rejection_of_Evolution_by_Religious_Groups. Imagine my surprise when I went to public school for the first time and not only was I taught that Evolution was fact, but no theory that I had ever learned before in my life was even mentioned because they were religious. It seems like arguments on both sides of the fence are firmly rooted in the "you can't disprove my theory" boat, but simply because the religious theories require a belief in a higher power, they are not taught in public schools and thus evolution becomes fact. How is teaching Creation theories in private school even legal if evolution is such an indisputable fact? It's like teaching that 2+2=5 as long as you show all of your work (oh wait... that's a thing too!). Point is, if you want equal treatment, then treat EVERYONE equally! Expect that everyone will be equally offended.

Teach all religions, teach all sciences, teach all everything, teach all cultures and customs and manners. We can be equally offensive to all people and just say "sorry, not sorry." If we're going to walk on eggshells, you need to walk on eggshells too.

I quit. I don't have the right answer, and even if I did, it would be wrong. I try to be understanding and fair. How fair do we have to be with everyone before it becomes unfair to everyone else? Perhaps we should all gouge out our eyes and cut out our tongues and live in blind silence. I quit. Thank you for ruining my night, brain!

Did you know that in my wife's culture it's considered polite to talk while your eating? Knowing that doesn't make me any less disgusted when I'm stuck sitting with someone chatting through a mouth full of food. They also don't use the word please, which is weird when trying to teach our children manners. "Please say please when you ask for something" vs "sure you can have this, I never had to say please growing up."

AHHHHHHHHHHHGGGHHHRHRRR!!!!